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Author Topic: Boundaries  (Read 618 times)
Eljefe

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 4


« on: September 25, 2021, 06:54:34 AM »

My partner's bpd mom is up at 3 every night throwing objects, often yells and plays loud punk music, has attacked our landlady and thrown her furniture and belongings out in the yard, has severely death threatened me in the past, has assaulted me in the past and is calling the HOA to try to get us to lose our housing. The offense each time is a perceived slight against her or her son. Seeking to set limits and boundaries since the landlady will not evict her. Landlady will not leave her room out of fear or confront her due to fear of more property damage. I seek to encourage firm and calm boundary settings. She is controlling and manipulating 4 people and treats everyone this way. No one ever challenges her. She does have calm and cooperative moments but they tend to be only moments compared to her long periods of rage.
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Woolspinner2000
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2012



« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2021, 02:58:33 PM »

Hi EljefeWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

Welcome!

Boy, sounds like quite the drama is going on during the middle of the night! Since this is a consistent pattern, any idea what the trigger is? Can you tell me any more about your living arrangements? I am wondering if she lives with you or is she in her own apartment/flat? It sounds like multiple units are in the place.

Has anyone ever called the authorities? Sounds like she is doing a lot of controlling by her fear and anger outbursts.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Methuen
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1909



« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2021, 04:34:19 PM »

Use an I statement to set a boundary.  This gives her fair notice.  Then if it happens again after that,  Call the police, and secretly record the audio Of the event  with your phone for objective  evidence.

Sometimes unless there is a boundary and they believe you will follow through on the consequence, they will not stop because their behavior makes them feel empowered and in control.

The things you have  described including death threats are an offense and should  be reported.  The poor landlady sounds terrified.  
« Last Edit: September 25, 2021, 04:40:58 PM by Methuen » Logged
Eljefe

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2021, 03:08:00 PM »

It's hard to tell how to reply to a specific comment. I have called the police on her when she attacked me with a full liter bottle of soda and broke my ear cartilage. This was after tolerating days of pulling hair and pouring beer on me and screaming abuse. The police always take her side and refuse to press charges. I am large. She is small. She always makes false claims that I attack and beat her and continues to repeat to everyone that I broke her bones on that occasion even though her son is a witness that I just sat there in the vehicle and only verbally told her to stop. She again locked me in the back studio at this property and I did call the police. The owner was angry that I called the police and told me I had to leave. I am continually being blamed for her violence. She's a good liar and victim and her parents support her lies and blame anyone she attacks. Usually the victims like her ex husband also refuse to hold her accountable and praise her constantly. Of course none of them visit or call her because she's vicious. Her father 100% supports her and told me I forced her to lock me in the studio. My SO and I left for a month and then returned. She makes overtures towards me that are insincere because he has shown he will leave her with me if she pushes us too far. Apparently he made a recent police report online because she was harassing him inside the house. But no police follow up. And the owner will not report her for the harassment and assault or evict her. I don't know why. Recently she was screaming " I'm disturbing the peace call the cops" at 4 am. I would have called 3xcept for fear the owner will retaliate against me. I woke up this morning after making a positive conversation with the Mom yesterday and she had once again locked me out of the main house. My key copy won't work and she also bolts the door to block entry. To complicate mattwers her son my SO is undiagnosed Aspergers/ autism. She is pathologically dependent on him and he can't break away. She was an a real upswing yesterday as she is interviewing for a caretaking job that is live in that she thinks my SO can go with her. Did not ask him or me if that was OK. Her father who is in denial repeatedly tried to set up caretaking jobs for her. I know she will eventually start abusing the patient at least verbally at some point and was discussing whether any such person should be warned if she gets the job. The two of them might give enough clues that they are an unwholesome pair though at the interview. At any rate I feel stuck as the owner is coming round to my view but I really will be on my own if I act. Also she is rampaging mostly at night while I sleep in the back unit. Her method is to move break and throw things to harass us and the clean the kitchen like a model housewife. I don't think there are any triggers. She does this everywhere she lives and no one ever challenges it. They believe she is frail and tiny and cannot control herself. She turns the behaviors on and off like a faucet. She does have control. The police would only believe me if all 3 of us reported the abuse. But there is reluctance and I have no idea why. I moved here only to be with my SO and almost never enter the house or speak to Mom. The exception has been when she's tried to be pleasant. But she always needs a target so when she made the effort to be pleasant to me she started attacking the owner.
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Eljefe

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2021, 03:36:34 PM »

It's hard to tell how to reply to a specific comment. I have called the police on her when she attacked me with a full liter bottle of soda and broke Way to go! (click to insert in post) my ear cartilage. This was after tolerating days of pulling hair and pouring beer on me and screaming abuse. The police always take her side and refuse to press charges. I am large. She is small. She always makes false claims that I attack and beat her and continues to repeat to everyone that I broke her bones on that occasion even though her son is a witness that I just sat there in the vehicle and only verbally told her to stop. She again locked me in the back studio at this property and I did call the police. The owner was angry that I called the police and told me I had to leave. I am continually being blamed for her violence. She's a good liar and victim and her parents support her lies and blame anyone she attacks. Usually the victims like her ex husband also refuse to hold her accountable and praise her constantly. Of course none of them visit or call her because she's vicious. Her father 100% supports her and told me I forced her to lock me in the studio. My SO and I left for a month and then returned. She makes overtures towards me that are insincere because he has shown he will leave her with me if she pushes us too far. Apparently he made a recent police report online because she was harassing him inside the house. But no police follow up. And the owner will not report her for the harassment and assault or evict her. I don't know why. Recently she was screaming " I'm disturbing the peace call the cops" at 4 am. I would have called 3xcept for fear the owner will retaliate against me. I woke up this morning after making a positive conversation with the Mom yesterday and she had once again locked me out of the main house. My key copy won't work and she also bolts the door to block entry. To complicate mattwers her son my SO is undiagnosed Aspergers/ autism. She is pathologically dependent on him and he can't break away. She was an a real upswing yesterday as she is interviewing for a caretaking job that is live in that she thinks my SO can go with her. Did not ask him or me if that was OK. Her father who is in denial repeatedly tried to set up caretaking jobs for her. I know she will eventually start abusing the patient at least verbally at some point and was discussing whether any such person should be warned if she gets the job. The two of them might give enough clues that they are an unwholesome pair though at the interview. At any rate I feel stuck as the owner is coming round to my view but I really will be on my own if I act. Also she is rampaging mostly at night while I sleep in the back unit. Her method is to move break and throw things to harass us and the clean the kitchen like a model housewife. I don't think there are any triggers. She does this everywhere she lives and no one ever challenges it. They believe she is frail and tiny and cannot control herself. She turns the behaviors on and off like a faucet. She does have control. The police would only believe me if all 3 of us reported the abuse. But there is reluctance and I have no idea why. I moved here only to be with my SO and almost never enter the house or speak to Mom. The exception has been when she's tried to be pleasant. But she always needs a target so when she made the effort to be pleasant to me she started attacking the owner. I did record the entire incident where she berated and slapped the landlady. The death threats were reported and the cops just mocked me saying " are you really afraid of her? Do you really think she's going to kill you? Does she have a weapon? You know she has First Amendment rights to say whatever she wants don't you?" They refused to read the texts so don't even know she threatened beheading and gruesome disgusting violence in detail. She has had the police called on her several times in her life but her family won't do it. The support of her father keeps her cocky. He is 87 and she threatens people that her dad will come take care of them! She sent thousands and thousands of texts day and night to her son berating me during the death threat period in 2019. She tried to plan an internet scam where I'd show up to a worksite and be jumped and beaten and keep telling my SO I deserved to die. I have read recently that death threats are pretty common with bpd and even violent attacks. This really makes the police response to my problem malfeasance. We are hoping she moves out but her strategy seems to be to abuse everyone til we are evicted. The owner has said she is selling the house rather than evict one person. I fail to understand that. She herself has some emotional problems to allow the abuse on her property and not evict or report it. When I bring up the police she goes silent or changes the subject. I want to add that I think emotional incest is the term for what she does to her son. He is handicapped by ASD but is her caretaker and victim. The family supports this arrangement! She had him sleeping in her room with her yesterday. He is almost 40. And she still entices him to sleep with her. I have also found love notes she's written him like Valentines to a spouse. Last but not least she is obsessed with rats. She has 2 at all times
 They are always named Jake and Arnie. If a rat dies she wraps it in a sarcophagus and keeps it in her room. One she made us deliver to her father on Good Friday as if his Easter resurrection was at hand. Again everyone pretends this is normal. She has posted online " The rats and I will win" She seems to think they have magical powers. If she gets angry she sets the rats free to eat clothing, gnaw wiring and walls, and poop all over. Her son lived with hundreds of free roaming rats and was in terror when I met him because they ate his shoelaces and food and if he tried to set traps she'd tell him  get bad karma for killing  them. On Christmas she sent a lewd video of a naked man with Christmas lights on his buttocks dancing to her SON. She also sent him a time lapse video of decaying meat with flies and  worms as it rotted over a period of a week. She tells him intimate things about her personal parts and sex acts with her 2 husbands ( his father included).
 I have read about the concept of spoiling and it seems every time someone sets up a situation for her she delights in pissing on it while others freeze in terror. It's bizarre to me why no one stands up to her. I have and I believe that keeps her at bay but here I will be punished if I hold her accountable. What could I say to the owner to get her to agree to boundaries? I had hopes that the horror show of the past was improving as her behavior became less extreme and both of them are in a better place than before but she can't resist spoiling. Also the denial of her exhusband, second son, parents, sister and extended family is unreal. They blamed me for the death threats and said I must have forced her to send them.
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