What makes it worth staying for you?

[TheBatHammer]

I’m curious as I try to decide whether to give my relationship another chance. I see a lot of posts here about challenges, using tools, patience and understanding, validation, SET, etc.
I’m curious what makes people want to stay? What makes the constant work, validating the narratives and misplaced anger and blame and so on and navigating all the interpersonal and social issues worth it? What does your partner provide you?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi TheBatHammer, 

Good question.

For me there were several things:

-My faith
-Hope that things would improve
-Longevity of the relationship
-Our children

Of note is that ultimately I thought I could do something to make things better. Took me a long time to understand I can only change myself and how important it is to learn how to be stronger and healthier.

Wools

[NonnyMouse]

-Hope that things would improve
-Longevity of the relationship
-Our children
-Inertia

[thankful person]

-Hope that things would improve
-Longevity of the relationship
-Our children
-Inertia

I agree with all of this… but in addition:
- Our marriage
- I genuinely believe that my wife and I are meant to be together and I want to be there for her, even if she doesn’t always want me. Bpd is an absolutely tragic  disorder. I don’t know whether all sufferers have been through the worst types of abuse and neglect as children. But it absolutely breaks me. I am a broken person… I was drawn to a broken person… I feel that maybe she will never be happy… but I still believe we belong together.

I am realising that I was wrong to put up with much of what I have put up with. Being on this forum has changed me. I still don’t know what to say all the time… but I have a new found confidence. My wife was starting to shout at me in the supermarket because I was no help getting the baby into the sling. And I calmly told her that I was helping all I could. And suggested she look for a new way. And usually she freaks when I do this. But today she calmed down and worked it out herself. I do (sometimes) feel I am gaining more self-respect and she is responding to it.

[Cat Familiar]

I love him. He’s a kind, trustworthy person. Financial security. Companionship. He can be funny and entertaining. He supports my dreams.

Yes, the BPD can be annoying at times. Best if I just ignore some of the difficult symptoms and they pass. Not giving any energy to them seems to make them occur less frequently.

I cannot be as open with him as I can with some of my friends, so it’s sad that isn’t a possibility for my most important relationship. But accepting that and realizing that we all have our limitations has made it OK for me. There are a lot of good qualities he brings to our lives.

[At Bay]

I see why you’re asking as the situation definitely drains a good deal of my energy. Even after 50 yrs of this, I value practicality and financial security with a chance to stay in this house with all my things vs. hoof it to an even smaller place where I wouldn’t feel safe. Men remarry easily and women do not. I keep a lot of thoughts to myself and shouldn't be surprised he's still emotionally unstable.

I do win small battles avoiding conflict and create victories and distance from dBPDH to be myself that is satisfying. It becomes easier as one’s needs change with creature comforts being right up there with a mostly-sane spouse. He had 10 yrs of therapy, and I had 4 yrs, and my therapist said she was supposed to tell women married 30 yrs to stay. Alternative-- assisted living and for someone who enjoys privacy it is an unpleasant scenario.

Time passes, and a friend who did leave, told me it is hard either way. For that reason H is still here even after I heard his girlfriend's voice mail, and he valued his reputation more and tried to compensate for the havoc caused. I saw his phone records online and the calls and texts did stop. He's also  a l w a y s  home now. Didn't see that coming.

I need h’s help. He’s 5-1/2 yrs younger and does all the driving. Our son and his family live 2,000 mi. away, and my support system mostly passed away, have ghastly problems of their own, or are young people trying to build wealth as they call it, and raise children. I’m calling staying in this marriage a trade-off as well as a truce, since we agree that arguments are harmful and counterproductive.

[jmbl]

Honestly, I stay because I love the person who he is. I love his empathy, compassion, intelligence, and his strength/resilience.

Is love enough? I’m not sure. The bad days are few(er) and father between, but they’re still devastating. My friends and family are frustrated by his behaviour. I don’t always respond in a helpful manner and the learning curve is huge. I don’t have a need to cure/be a caretaker of him. I support his dreams and goals and he supports mine. Life is hard, BPD is ugly, but there is a lot of comfort knowing that I get to go through it with him by my side.

[mitten]

This is a great topic.  All of the above comments resonate with me and I'll also share my experience.  

I remember when I first started dating my uBPDw I was so confused by her mood swings- wondering if I was causing them due to lack of experience dating.  Then I vividly remember looking in the mirror and telling myself that her mood swings were normal and this was just my high anxiety making me run from the relationship... She was really my first relationship because I got anxiety every time I started dating, so I didn't know what was "normal".  In the end I "overcame" my anxiety and continued the relationship.  I ultimately said to myself that the good times outweighed the bad...  

So here are my reasons now that I'm in it - Honoring the commitment I made in my wedding vows as well as being a father.  If I didn't have these commitments I may see it another way (I didn't connect the BPD dots until I had been married for 5 years and had one child).  I think it's only fair to point out that my spouse is also high functioning, so that makes it more possible to stay.

[jmbl]

I just thought of something, as my partner takes alone time in a time where we need to be working together (moving and packing).

Loving my pwBPD is loving someone on their terms, for the most part. We can’t do some of the things in a way that a traditional relationship would do. The only way we can be successful is to, more often than not, put my needs on the back burner. It messes with your head at times, but then in the moments when I’m able to do it we have a beautiful relationship.

Loving someone on their own terms is not something we’re taught or prepared for. What mutual respect and understanding in my relationship looks like is different than my friends’, but it’s there and just as important to enact on the daily. Everyday is work, but as I said above, there’s a lot of comfort knowing that I tackle each day with him