Well, I reached out and got burned

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I couldn't take it anymore. It was my birthday yesterday and we had once planned a trip for today. So while I'd been making progress in the last five weeks, he was on my mind.

I texted to say we should have spoken when it ended. That it would have helped me feel that I hadn't been terrible.

To recap, we had  planned a trip and I drove to his place. Was just a few minutes away when I got a four-line text that said he was with her and they were now together. And that was it. No calls, no kind words. Just ended with me in the rain five hours from my house with nowhere to go because I had come to stay with him.

His answer today: He is happy with her; they had talked and he realized a lot of what he'd thought was wrong between them was just in his head. But good news: They are doing "really well now."  Not a single word of care for me or concern about how I have been.

I mean, we knew it would be like this, but dang. How can someone who cared about me over three decades just discard me like that?
 

[Cant breathe]

I couldn't take it anymore. It was my birthday yesterday and we had once planned a trip for today. So while I'd been making progress in the last five weeks, he was on my mind.

I texted to say we should have spoken when it ended. That it would have helped me feel that I hadn't been terrible.

To recap, we had  planned a trip and I drove to his place. Was just a few minutes away when I got a four-line text that said he was with her and they were now together. And that was it. No calls, no kind words. Just ended with me in the rain five hours from my house with nowhere to go because I had come to stay with him.

His answer today: He is happy with her; they had talked and he realized a lot of what he'd thought was wrong between them was just in his head. But good news: They are doing "really well now."  Not a single word of care for me or concern about how I have been.

I mean, we knew it would be like this, but dang. How can someone who cared about me over three decades just discard me like that?
 

[ILMBPDC]

I'm sorry, that's just such a cold reaction from him, though I guess with BPD I shouldn't be surprised.
You may not have "real" closure from him, but hopefully that interaction can serve as a type of closure and allow you to move forward.
Just remember: this isn't about you, its his issue, and you will likely never truly know why he discarded you like that (how can you?  your brain doesn't work like that at all).
I know its not easy, god do I know, but I decided that I had to just accept that I would never know his reasoning and go from there.

[Ad Meliora]

I think this person has some good advice she goes by the handle "Cantbreathe"

Well, after first discard, I was contacted over a year later. Ex was remorseful. I believed. Now I am on discard 5. Final discard. Don't fall for it.

You couldn't believe what he said before, so why would you believe him now?  Or into the future?  It's hard to imagine 30 years of it, but not completely.  I could see my BPDex coming up with stories on top of the stories and just repeating them infinitely.  Thankfully I had 29+ other years of relationships with women without BPD so I had a reference point, still it was easy to get caught up in her BS.

She's soo good at it that if I was listening to her tell the story of why we split I bet I'd be so captivated by her telling it that I'd be saying, "Yeah, yeah, that's right, that's how it happened..." Even though she'd be painting me black and making me a villain.  Ridiculous for me to write, but she was transfixing.

So do you still think you're making up this disease in your ex or are you coming to see it in all these other stories?  That it is a disease, a demon, a specter that haunts these people and lays waste to those who become their partners.

You and I are going to get over this, but our BPDexes...well, they have a life sentence to their condition, and unless they do something about it things won't ever get better for them.

[SinisterComplex]

I couldn't take it anymore. It was my birthday yesterday and we had once planned a trip for today. So while I'd been making progress in the last five weeks, he was on my mind.

I texted to say we should have spoken when it ended. That it would have helped me feel that I hadn't been terrible.

To recap, we had  planned a trip and I drove to his place. Was just a few minutes away when I got a four-line text that said he was with her and they were now together. And that was it. No calls, no kind words. Just ended with me in the rain five hours from my house with nowhere to go because I had come to stay with him.

His answer today: He is happy with her; they had talked and he realized a lot of what he'd thought was wrong between them was just in his head. But good news: They are doing "really well now."  Not a single word of care for me or concern about how I have been.

I mean, we knew it would be like this, but dang. How can someone who cared about me over three decades just discard me like that?
 

Not to sound heartless and cold, but for them it is quite simple. You cannot look at it through a rational lens. Do not take it personally. Yes I understand it is hard not to, but in truth I would laugh it off because the real truth of it is you probably meant a lot. Think of it like a paradox. The discard had to be cold and ruthless. This is how their disordered mind works. The more you mean to them the worse they are to you. I guess in a perverted sense take solace in that.

Please be kind to yourself and do not let this get you down. It is truly not worth it. Keep your head up and move forward.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[babyducks]

Happy Birthday cant breathe.    I am sorry that this years birthday wasn't what you hoped but I am convinced next years will be better.

I mean, we knew it would be like this, but dang. How can someone who cared about me over three decades just discard me like that?
 

because its not about you.  its never been about you.    its about him and how he views / experiences relationships and people.      for him people are mere objects to fulfill / meet his needs for attention, emotion, affection.   now that he perceives that some one else can fulfill his needs better, you become secondary.    he is constitutionally incapable of seeing you as a full person with needs, limits, rights,  and feelings of your own.    I'm sorry.    

even his message isn't about her,  they talked and he realized and he thinks they are doing 'really well now'.    again all about his perceptions and impressions.

I know this is hard.   and it does hurt.    what can you do to take good care of yourself today?    is there something special you can do to gift yourself a better day?

'ducks

[Cant breathe]

Thanks to this group for replying. It helps.

I think I woke up this morning realizing that I can't argue with person who has such a disordered mind. He is incapable of "I care about you. I'm sorry I did that to you" in the mode he is in now.  He was cruel in the way he ended it, but he will never acknowledge it, likely doesn't even know it. It is particularly cruel given our long history.

I answered his  note. Just said I can't believe he didn't feel the loss, too. We all here know that was a ridiculous thing to say because he doesn't feel any loss. I know he won't answer, which is for the best. I'd love to just tell him off, but we know that won't get me anywhere because you can't argue with crazy. The more I try to reach the person who was so open with his heart, the more wooden he will respond, as if he never knew me at all. It's like he always wins in the end with me. Since we were 16 and now as we are 55.

He's off with his ex and they are engaged again. Five weeks ago  I was the love of his life and he never wanted to speak to her again. She spread all sorts of things about me. So I am the bad person in this little triangle, the one who was ruining their changes of a happy relationship. Now they are off playing house and I am off on an iceberg. Maybe he will make it last this time. They both seem to think so. They aren't young and I was his only other option so there won't be other distractions now. Did I get used here?

My therapist says this was actually a gift. That I escaped chaos and while he is having a better fall, I will heal, I will improve myself and I will have the better life. In theory, I know he has proven to be unstable, unkind, a jerk. Intellectually I know I will have better. BUT... man my heart is broken.

 

[ILMBPDC]

My therapist says this was actually a gift. That I escaped chaos and while he is having a better fall, I will heal, I will improve myself and I will have the better life. In theory, I know he has proven to be unstable, unkind, a jerk. Intellectually I know I will have better. BUT... man my heart is broken.

I agree wholeheartedly with your therapist. My discard, while painful, was the best thing that could have happened to me in this situation. I know I will heal but without extensive therapy my ex will never have a fully functioning relationship.  Admittedly its an awful thing to have to heal from and you have many, many more years invested than I do but you, too, will heal and eventually look back on this point in your life and wonder "man, what was I thinking? I'm so glad I got out of that situation"

[Cant breathe]

All it would have taken is for him to say "I was wrong in how I ended it." Not that he ended it, I'm not asking that much. I just don't understand how he doesn't realize his four-line text that night I was nearly at his house to go on vacation with him  -- "She is staying. We are together now" -- was all I deserved. It was all good, all love, then I was just dropped off a cliff with no warning. Not even a phone call later to make sure I was ok.

[grumpydonut]

@can't

Their only interest is themselves. Once he had her back, you were both a nuisance and expendable. They can be extremely psychopathic.

[Cant breathe]

@can't

Their only interest is themselves. Once he had her back, you were both a nuisance and expendable. They can be extremely psychopathic.

THAT statement is exactly what has me so stuck here. The ability to just shut someone out with no warning at all and never look back. It really isn't human.

[SinisterComplex]

All it would have taken is for him to say "I was wrong in how I ended it." Not that he ended it, I'm not asking that much. I just don't understand how he doesn't realize his four-line text that night I was nearly at his house to go on vacation with him  -- "She is staying. We are together now" -- was all I deserved. It was all good, all love, then I was just dropped off a cliff with no warning. Not even a phone call later to make sure I was ok.

Your expectations are reasonable. How you feel is completely valid. However, it is wishful thinking. Let go of the personal attachment to this and accept that he is not normal and is completely incapable of giving you that respect and he is incapable meeting your needs.

Yes it was cowardly. Yes it was total BS  . But...let the sting of it make you powerful. You will not tolerate this kind of disrespect from anyone ever again. You will not be put in a position like this again either. He doesn't get to win. No, F him! As a matter of fact I will say it how it needs to said for you...F him, F her, and F everybody that has a problem with YOU! 

You will not be put into a position of weakness. Hell no. You raise your head up and push on forward and say to yourself...that's the best you got? Ha, I survived and I'll be stronger and better off without you from this point on. Remember you are dynamic and you will get better and be better. He is static and his life will suck and will not get better. It will be the same broken record stuck on a loop. The privilege of having YOU in his life has just been terminated! mic drop

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[poppy2]

THAT statement is exactly what has me so stuck here. The ability to just shut someone out with no warning at all and never look back. It really isn't human.

Hi can't breathe,

In my experience it's important to hold on to this feeling. It's completely inhuman to act like this and I think in that judgment lies the seed to healthy anger and detachment. It means the other person is truly unhealthy to be around.

I'm still trying to emotionally fully absorb this lesson and it's difficult because of the bond that I felt, as well as the unpleasantness of it all (I'd rather not believe it) and cognitive dissonance around being treated this way. But I think over time it improves and can lead to a stronger person who wouldn't accept treatment like this in the future.

[ILMBPDC]

THAT statement is exactly what has me so stuck here. The ability to just shut someone out with no warning at all and never look back. It really isn't human.

I understand this - its a hard thing to wrap your head around. This is exactly the reason I chose to work on letting go of the need to understand, I had to come to terms with knowing I will never understand. My personality is analytical, my career is analytical - I have an incessant need to understand things, so this was a huge thing for me to let go, but I did it and you can too.

In my experience it's important to hold on to this feeling. It's completely inhuman to act like this and I think in that judgment lies the seed to healthy anger and detachment. It means the other person is truly unhealthy to be around.

While I advocate to learn to let go of the need to understand, what poppy is saying here is also relevant - you can let go, but don't forget how much pain he put you through. You don't want to get to a point where you are willing to take him back again.  Its a fine line, IMO, between letting go/detaching and excusing his behavior.

[Cant breathe]

Let the sting of it make you powerful. You will not tolerate this kind of disrespect from anyone ever again. You will not be put in a position like this again either. He doesn't get to win. No, F him! As a matter of fact I will say it how it needs to said for you...F him, F her, and F everybody that has a problem with YOU! 

You will not be put into a position of weakness. Hell no. You raise your head up and push on forward and say to yourself...that's the best you got? Ha, I survived and I'll be stronger and better off without you from this point on. Remember you are dynamic and you will get better and be better. He is static and his life will suck and will not get better. It will be the same broken record stuck on a loop. The privilege of having YOU in his life has just been terminated! mic drop *

These two paragraphs are amazing. I keep reading them, saying them aloud. I actually FEEL more powerful.  I do hope I can hold onto this thought. Thank you and F *%! him. 

[Cant breathe]

I understand this - its a hard thing to wrap your head around. This is exactly the reason I chose to work on letting go of the need to understand, I had to come to terms with knowing I will never understand. My personality is analytical, my career is analytical - I have an incessant need to understand things, so this was a huge thing for me to let go, but I did it and you can too.
While I advocate to learn to let go of the need to understand, what poppy is saying here is also relevant - you can let go, but don't forget how much pain he put you through. You don't want to get to a point where you are willing to take him back again.  Its a fine line, IMO, between letting go/detaching and excusing his behavior.

Poppy2 and ILMBPDC make sure relevant points. I also have an analytical career and it has been very difficult to wrap my head around actions that swing so wildly from logic. Most people don't have such wild swings and most mature adults don't just walk away from a long-term relationship without saying something, anything. I need to let go of the need to understand. This will be very difficult. But, like poppy said I can't ever excuse his behavior. I need to channel anger into giving me power over this crazy.