Advice needed about accountability please

[poppy2]

Hello everybody,

content warning: sexual assault

I am usually on the "detaching" board, but I wanted to come here and ask a question please. I guess if it isn't suitable the mods will move the discussion.

I am no longer in the relationship with my ex, which lasted for 9 months. Since it ended I have need to enter therapy and also get a psychiatrist. At one point in the relationship my ex became very sexually aggressive. I said it was too rough and it was like she didn't hear me and kept going. After this I screamed for her to stop it and really had to push her off me, and lay afterwards on the bed unable to move. Unfortunately, this behaviour was too much for my brain and it kind of "shut down" afterwards and blocked out the memory.

In the guidelines of the country I live in, this was a sexual assault, although I cannot say how a judge would perceive it since it "stopped" once I said "no"... for me the damage was much more psychological, like it did damage my worth as a person, which is the guideline for sexual assault.

I am 5 months out of this relationship and I am considering taking my ex to court. I had already written her an angry email at one point, basically saying I know what she did and she can't hide it/demanding she acknowledge it, and received a legal letter in response denying the accusation and saying I cannot contact her again. The reason I am considering taking her to court is that I feel unable to enter a stranger's flat anymore, with the thought there is a subtle predator lurking there. It feels unjust and her denying of what happened is also unjust (she once told me she felt "guilty" for feeling like a "perpetrator".) It is easy for her to paint me as a stalker or whatever because due to sexual trauma the real memory was repressed until after we broke up and she had broken contact with me.

Nobody can give anybody else direct advice about such things and also I know that for many people in marriages things are much "worse". But this was still very damaging for me. I would like to know if anybody here tried to make their ex accountable for something in the legal process, instead of using the legal process to protect themselves, and if so, whether it worked out. I would especially like to know if you did this where there are no other "witnesses", like in intimate violence. My fear is that she truly dissociated in that moment and will believe whatever other crap she comes up with, and make other people believe it, too. I would like  to believe that, whatever stories my ex makes up, the "truth will out", and I have a counsellor, therpaist and psychiatist to also back me up.

Or, if anybody just knows a good past thread that concerns this topic, please link that to me. I believe my ex will "win" at all costs and this is how I see the legal letter, which was, to me, a crazy escalation of something she just needed to take responsibility for. I never previously would have considered taking her to court, what I wanted was for her to take responsibility for her actions which really damaged me. In the eyes of the court it could seem like I am "seeking revenge" or having ulterior motives for being left, but actually, it disturbs my sense of the world to think that someone can do this and not ever be accountable.. and this is also months after beggining to process all that stuff.

For me, if she was ordered to go to court-appointed therapy, I would feel vindicated. I do not want to press larger criminal charges.

Thanks for reading.

[formflier]

Is your desired remedy an option for the courts?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

As the wife of a lawyer, but not one myself, I’ve heard a lot of stories about people trying to redress grievances in court. Often, they accrue a large legal bill and are unsatisfied with the outcome.

The law is really precise and though you sustained injuries that are long lasting, if her actions did not constitute a violation of a specific statute, you have no case.

Have you consulted an attorney yet?

[kells76]

poppy2, to echo what Cat Familiar brings up, consulting with a few lawyers could be a good step. Initial consultations are often free or low cost, and do not require paying a retainer. You are allowed to consult with as many L's as you have time, energy, and $ for -- there is no "rule" that you cannot consult with multiple L's. You can describe your situation, and lawyers will share with you what often happens in your area with your situation.

In fact, bringing this question:

I would like to know if anybody here tried to make their ex accountable for something in the legal process, instead of using the legal process to protect themselves, and if so, whether it worked out. I would especially like to know if you did this where there are no other "witnesses", like in intimate violence.

to a few (at least two or three, though whatever you're up for) consultations, and getting feedback, will probably get you some very useful information about "whether it worked out" for other clients.

One thought to keep in the back of your head, especially after everything you've been through, is -- can you have your "wise mind" keep an eye out for your well-being? As in any profession, L's can range from absolute straight-shooting heroes to unscrupulous folks out to make a buck off of naive clients. I would hate for you to find yourself betrayed by a L who you thought would "fight for you" and who swore "you'll win in court" but was actually just interested in your $. That's where doing a few consultations could help you understand what is realistic for your particular situation in your region, so that the unscrupulous don't take advantage of your desire for your ex to be held accountable.

kells76

[poppy2]

Hi,

Thankyou all for your considerate and intelligent responses. Honestly I don't think I would have the strength to go through with this alone. and I really appreciate it.

Speaking to a lawyer is the first step, yes, to see how this case will be seen in the eyes of the law. I don't know if an apology and court-appointed therapy even apply to sexual assault.

There is also the step to consider of what it costs, emotionally, to go to the police and report this (after speaking with a lawyer). I imagine it can be damaging.

And there is a step of costs or 'damages' to consider. I think the state can provide me with a lawyer but if she makes a counter-claim for whatever reason I could be vulnerable there.

I think with trauma it's very important to 'fight' because it exactly becomes a trauma when you can't 'fight' or look after yourself at the time. That's why I'm considering this. I will describe my case to a lawyer and also keep very much in mind the 'wise mind' approach and asking them of other cases were successful (I think not, but it would be good to hear.)

For me it's helpful even to list the issues here, so I will put one more - I live in a non-English speaking country and doing this in a foreign language is an added weakness (say, with the police, the court will appoint an interpretor). She is a native speaker and doesn't have this problem.

Thankyou again all for replying.

[poppy2]

Hallo everyone,

I just wanted to update this thread to say - I reached an important moment of acceptance about what happened. I accepted that she will never be able to recognize what she did to me, that she is too limited. I think going to court was a way for me to force her to be accountable, since it was damaging and since she denied it. I could still take her to court, but I also wanted to say the acceptance really helped me to let go - not of what I deserve, but of directing that need towards her in any way.

Now I know, for instance, that if I did go to court it would be on my terms with the full expectation that she would deny/make up stories and I really don't think it would hurt me as much as it would have before. And it also helps to set the court as less of a place for expecting resolution of a grievance and more of an adversarial battle over a "crime', one which I probably won't enter into to protect my own resources.

[NotAHero]

 Looking for accountability with a borderline is like trying to find the Loch Ness monster. You have better chance finding the later. They are incapable of understanding how their actions affect others.

[NotAHero]

 It’s best if you accept that there is no motive behind the harm. It’s not an excuse just reality. The decision is yours at the end to accept and distance yourself or approach it differently.  I learned that with BPD nothing ever comes out from searching for answers.