Child making up stories about us

[CatMom22]

More of a long rant and I have no one to talk to about this in real life so I am putting it here for anyone who can commiserate.

My 12 year old child was diagnosed with BPD tendencies after a stint in an inpatient hospital for SI earlier this year. She started telling her friends and eventually her therapist that she was cutting herself last year but there were no signs of any self harm. I think she made it up to get back at her friends for not including her at a sleepover but she told everyone she hates us and that's why she cuts.

This summer was a roller coaster of telling friends she wanted to self harm and then denying it to us. We managed to keep things calm and we didn't have to go to the ER. I expected when school started we'd see an escalation in behavior as she has a tendency to use the get-to-know me forms as a way to air her grievances towards us. So far, nothing has come up but the school counselor keeps asking for permission to talk to her Therapist. When I replied that we are getting a new therapist (we are looking for a DBT therapist and it's been hard to find one that is taking new patients) so there was no need to speak with the current one. If there are issues at school, please contact us and we can discuss. Then I get a request to speak to the hospital. I am starting to suspect something is up but the counselor insists there aren't any concerns, just trying the make sure my child is acclimating to school after being at the hospital. Well, that hospital stay was at a different school and there is nothing about that stay that needs to be addressed now unless something I am unaware of is coming up. So, I told the school counselor just that and asked if something was going on and was assured that she was just trying to give my child the best care possible.

So, I decided to take a peek at her journal and in it she is talking about how we are going to send her to conversion therapy because she is gay. Here's the thing: my oldest is gay and in the Gay student alliance at high school. Our church is very LGBTQ+ friendly and there is no way my pastor would ever recommend conversion therapy. I suspect if I asked about it, I would be referred to a counselor for myself ha ha. I am not going to bring it up to the kid and I'll just wait and see if it ever comes up from her or the school.

I am just tired of this kid making things up about us to play victim. She has accused one of my children of abusing her and luckily that was all sorted out via CPS etc. We are always the bad guy and she has to make up crazy stuff to tell the world to satisfy her need for drama.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Isabel2]

I am sorry you are going through this.  For me, the lies that our BPD daughter tells about us and others (she often told people that her boyfriends were abusing her too) is one of the scariest behaviors since many are very serious claims.  Our daughter is an adult now so it is not as intense and many in the extended family knows about her diagnosis which helps so we are not fielding questions from them about her claims. But it is difficult - the walking on eggshells part - always wondering what other people think and the lies she has told them about us and others.  I just thought I would write a response to let you know you are not alone in this difficult situation. 

[CatMom22]

Thank you for the response! I see a lot of my own situation in many of the other posts on here. It's good to know I am not alone.

Re-reading my original post, I realize I was all over the place. I am just so frustrated that the kid keeps trying to make us out to be these horrible people. She really wants to be a victim. When we've talked to her therapists about this behavior, basically we are told to not take it personally. She is testing us and is afraid of being abandoned. At the same time deep down she knows we will not abandon her. I don't know how a person can go through life living like this. She burns through friends with her 'testing' and overreactions.

When I told a friend I haven't spoken to about sending her to conversion therapy she assured me that anyone who knows me won't believe it. Which I know and is why I am not too terribley upset. However she is at a new school so who knows what these people think of us. Nothing I can do about that.

[mggt]

Hello. I’ve been on these boards for years. First let me tell you it does get better with a lot of hope and prayers, and anything else that helps you. Our d was diagnosed very early on. Long long story. We have been estranged from her many times. Along with our little grand babies. I thought how can I get through this. How will I survive. We did. Just keep hanging on. Not sure if this helps. But for now, we are in a good place with our d.   Sendings hugs.

[Trying2Survive]

This is my first day on this forum and the first time I am reading stories in which I can relate to deeply.  It is a very strange feeling as I am used to feeling judged and shamed as a parent struggling with this.

My daughter is 17 and although it hasn't gone as far as CPS or stories with counsellors she does post a LOT about us on social media.

IE:  BPD daughter stormed out of the house not wanting to speak with us and declared she was sleeping at a friends house.  Do not contact her.  Tried to remain calm and respect her boundaries.  That night hubby and I happened to have dinner reservations. Our youngest saw we were heading out and asked to join. (this is rare so we were thrilled) Youngest posted a picture on snapchat that we were out for dinner.  My BPD daughter then went on a rant on her social media that her family is ostracizing her and having family dinners without allowing her to join.  Um.  Ok?

I was SO upset.  How dare she lie about the situation and make it appear that her family is just a bunch of unsupportive and cruel people out to get her.

I never brought it up with her because I know there is no reasoning with her when she is in this place.  And honestly her reaction will be 'mom I have BPD and I am irrational'.  What do you say to that?

I feel your pain and I hope things settle down with regards to the lies xo

[CatMom22]

I lurked for a while before posting my story but I also read so many posts that resonated with me. It's like our BP kids all are reading from the same script but we aren't privy to the screen play ha ha.

My child isn't on social media because we have not given her a phone (she's in middle school). I realize it's too late for you now to do this but I made my child sign a contract concerning her iPad privileges. She's not allowed to bully people, secretly record people, look up self harming stuff, etc .When she eventually get a phone (which at this rate looks like a flip phone, ha ha) I will also have her sign a contract concerning the use of phone plus how she uses social media.

I know it's hard to do but try not to take anything your kid does personally. It's hard for me to not worry about what the school or my community thinks of me if they hear her version of stuff first. I don't even bother to try to get in front of the story and share my side. It sucks that social media gets people so angry and willing to believe the first version they hear. Especially if it's a sob story. Good luck to you!