My partner has bpd & I’m having trouble understanding the illness

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Hello,

Me & my partner have been dating for about two months & it’s been a very chaotic relationship. We argue on a daily basis and our relationship is just overall toxic. My partner gets upset about almost everything I do & even why try to apologize or talk out these problems it just doesn’t work. Here’s an example of a situation that happened recently. I was at her mother’s house & she bought both us McDonald’s while I was staying over there. Her mother hands me the bag & told me that my water was in the McDonald’s bag. I grabbed the drink took a sip & realized that it wasn’t I took a sip out of the wrong drink, the drink that I took a sip out of was my partners sprite. I then found my water at the bottom of the bag & apologized to my partner and told her that I took a sip out of drink by accident. She then goes into a furious rage & calls me idiot, stupid, etc because I accidentally took a sip of her drink. Situations like this occur very often & I feel like I’m at my breaking point with this relationship. She’s currently not taking any medication or receiving any therapy which is why I’m so lenient about her outbursts. She agreed to getting therapy but every time I try to give her information about the appointment date she just starts raging again. I don’t know what to do at this point & I really need some advice on how to handle this situation. The last time I broke up with her she bursted out in tears & that killed me inside. I love her from the bottom of my heart & want to help her with her situation, but sometimes I feel like we should just go out separate ways. She’s currently unemployed & lives with her mother & her baby boy. I try my best to help her out because the father of her child is absent & her and her mother don’t have the best relationship. The problem is that every time I try to help her & help around the house, she belittles me and projects towards me for no reason. It’s very frustrating because all I want to do is help her with her situation and get her out of her mother’s house. Another thing I noticed too is that I’m the only person she projects at whenever she’s having these episodes. I can ask her something as simple as “Hey are you hungry?” & she’ll give me an unnecessary smart  remark like “does it look like I’m hungry?” With a nasty attitude. Now if her mom, friends, or stranger were to ask her that same question she would just say yes or no & it’s very confusing for me because sometimes I feel like it’s not even the bpd she just has some sort of animosity or built up anger towards me that she’s not telling me about. All advice is welcomed I just really want our relationship to work out.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome I can relate to many parts of your story. I found it took a change in my mindset to improve the relationship. Have you created any boundaries, e.g. for verbal abuse? Are you enabling any bad behaviors from her? This article may be helpful. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" are two essential reads in my opinion. Reading others' posts here could also help.

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Hello thanks for the advice. To answer your first question yes I have tried to set boundaries & that hasn’t worked for me either. All that does is make her more upset & causes her to say things like “If you don’t like it then just leave!”. I don’t usually enable her behavior & I think that’s part of the reason why we bump heads so much. Her mother & friends enable her behavior & never really talked to her about seeking therapy which is what I’m in the midst of doing right now. She’s agreed to it which is great but we won’t be able to start the therapy until next month.. I will also check out those articles that you recommended. Hopefully they’ll help with our situation in the meantime. Thanks again.

[thankful person]

My wife was diagnosed bpd 9 years ago shortly before we met. She did dbt for some time but didn’t complete the course. She sees herself as cured because she has recovered from her eating disorder and self harming. But she is extremely jealous and controlling and angry, and exhibits bpd behaviours towards me every day. I also find that she is worse towards me than anyone else. I only found this site last year after seven years together, and I’m glad you’ve found it early on. I think one of the best things it’s helped me to accept is that I can’t change her behaviour, only affect it through my own behaviour. So I mean, at the moment, I have no hope that she will suddenly decide she is sick and needs psychiatric support, and I finally accepted that maybe she will never feel she needs help or that anything is wrong with our relationship. But I feel so much stronger in understanding that actually she does not have all of the power. And I can change myself. Someone on here said you have the responsibility of being the emotional leader. I mention about her not seeing any need to change because… if your partner is anything like my wife, then she may have no intention of attending therapy and may be just going along with it to please you but will keep evading it. But I hope I’m wrong. I wish you all the best.