How to secretly read a book?

[thankful person]

Hi, so my partner is very controlling and we barely spend any time apart, especially as I’m mostly working from home due to us having a vulnerable baby.
Since she has both babies in our marital bed without me, I now have the night time to learn more about handling bpd and get some support on this forum. I downloaded “loving someone with bpd” onto my phone last year and read it. It was risky because when you use the books app, it comes up on the Home Screen and she does look at my phone. I know it’s bad, but I found “stop walking on egg shells” online for free and read it, also at night time. The book I really want to read that someone recommended is, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. I REALLY like the title and I do think it could be helpful to me. But the title is far more potentially offensive than “loving someone with bpd”. She was diagnosed before we met but sees herself as fully recovered. I have nowhere to physically hide a book and no time to read it. It would be on my phone but she could find it. Please anyone, share your thoughts. In particular, how the hell can I respond best were she to find the book on my phone, “how to stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”? I have rarely spoken to her about her crazy behaviour being related to bpd. On occasion in the early years I would say, “I read about bpd when we first met… all the advice was to steer clear…” I know this was cruel and I wanted her to realise she’s lucky to have me but of course this didn’t help matters.

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[kells76]

Our city's public library (in the USA) has an e-book check-out option. As long as you already have a public library card, you use your card # (and a password) to sign in to your account, and within the account you can check out e-books. There are no payments (so it won't show up on a bank statement or credit card bill) and as far as I know, unless you have "overdue reminder" emails, it won't show up in your email.

Hope that idea helps;

kells76

[Hope4Joy]

I have found that most things can be removed from your home/lockscreen so play with that. And as stated above, mostly library e books and audiobooks. I have a local library card and one to a major city that will grant one to anyone in the state. I have several platforms available like Libby. I typically can read in the morning before he wakes. I can listen to books in my car when alone or with a wireless earbud if I am around the house with enough privacy.

[mitten]

I can totally relate to this post.  I bought the paper copy of the Walking on Eggshells Workbook, but it was way to hard to work on at home, because my uBPD wife is ALWAYS with me. 

When I first suspected my wife had BPD I would workout at the gym and listen to free YouTube videos on my iPhone earbuds while riding a bike or stair stepper.  That was pretty discreet as most people have earbuds in.

Then COVID hit and I quit going to the gym.  But I started buying audio books on Audible.com.  These are awesome because I can discreetly listen to them with my earbuds in while doing the dishes or driving to work.  I would religiously listen to the books while driving.  It became my favorite time to learn about BPD.  (I even listen to them while working sometimes...). 

My 3 favorite audio books on Audible are:
-Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
-Stop Walking on Eggshells
-Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissist Spouse (This book was just released and is amazing for parents)

[thankful person]

Thank you all, Kells I found you are right about the library ebooks but I sadly gave my library card to my toddler to play with some time ago never to be seen again!
I have discovered that the books app on my iPhone has hidden purchases I’m just not sure how to buy a hidden purchase or whether I can hide the other book. Part of me wanted her to find it, crazy thought I know. Another part of me wonders if she did see it and chose not to mention it. It is my mission to find out about this hidden purchase thing. I really need to read the book about resilient children too. I worked with children for over twenty years before having my own… thought I had it all figured out… but now I fear so much for their mental health. And I feel a massive responsibility too… I am terrified of letting them down… making things worse for them… not being a good role model in dealing with my wife’s erratic and unfair behaviour…

[thankful person]

I still haven’t found a solution. Does anyone know about the hidden purchase thing in the books app on iPhone? I can’t seem to work it out. The caretaking book is only available on audio, not ideal as I’m not out of the house much and like to listen to my music. But I would get it if I knew how to “hide” it. Does anyone know of any online book website or app where I could delete the app but still be able to log in another time to access purchases? Because deleting apps deletes data I think it would delete the book. I really don’t know what I’m doing here and I’m so annoyed I lost my library card.

[babyducks]

and I’m so annoyed I lost my library card.

is there a reason you can't go to the library and report the card as lost?   close it and open another?

[mitten]

As I mentioned in my earlier post I find audio books EXTREMELY helpful given I can't have books laying around either.  I listen to them while commuting, while working, doing house work or even if bed if I'm sleeping in a separate room.  I've never once been questioned about what I was listening to, although if I did I would just say a podcast or something.

Is there a reason why audio books wouldn't work for you?  Just curious because they have been so, so, so valuable to me as they are super discreet. 

[thankful person]

Ducks, she knows my every move. Like literally I only leave the house for three cleaning jobs and two piano students, the rest of my work is at home online (for the protection of our poorly baby but I know she likes to have me here to hear what I say to people..) I usually do the supermarket shopping and pick up baby meds from chemist. And she is on the phone to me most of that time. Like I literally only had a library card to use their printer years ago. So it would be a difficult task to replace it tbh.
Mitten I don’t do much driving certainly if I was listening to it she would want to know what it was and accesses my phone too. I could listen at night but would but nervous her hearing is very sharp! I was thinking also I could do it when I’m at my cleaning jobs but not sure how much I’d be able to concentrate. I’ve found the first few chapters of “raising resilient children with a bp/np” as an online sample and found it so good and encouraging. I feel I need to put many things in place and make some changes before the kids get older. One is two years and the other five months. I surely will figure it out soon. There is so much content on the site to get through too. I am so grateful.

[Hope4Joy]

Can you visit the library for physical books for the kids? We use the library for DVDs too.

Can you try listening to something like music or even non-threatening books (gardening? Astronomy?) with a wireless earbud just to see how it goes before moving on to books to help yourself? My earbuds are even waterproof and I listen in the shower.

[thankful person]

Can you visit the library for physical books for the kids? We use the library for DVDs too.

Can you try listening to something like music or even non-threatening books (gardening? Astronomy?) with a wireless earbud just to see how it goes before moving on to books to help yourself? My earbuds are even waterproof and I listen in the shower.

Hi there’s no way because she would be there looking at my phone to see what I’m listening to. Audio books is a possibility for the rare occasions we’re not together but would have to leave no trace of it on my phone… We are sin moving to a new area and joining the library “for kid’s books” will be a great idea and hopefully I can then get e books from there. My wife is hoping to become more sociable and make new friends of her own too in our new area. She is feeling very positive about this and I think this would be great for our relationship as well as giving me a bit more space..

[mitten]

Can you try listening to something like music or even non-threatening books (gardening? Astronomy?) with a wireless earbud just to see how it goes before moving on to books to help yourself? My earbuds are even waterproof and I listen in the shower.

This is a great idea to test the waters... no pun intended.  ;)

I use the Audible app on my phone to store and listen to books (I believe it's owned by Amazon).  As far as I know my wife doesn't open that app and probably doesn't think it would be that interesting.  She would be more interested and likely to read my texts, social media channels and emails.  I do make sure I close the app out after listening to a book and I have my own credit card so she doesn't necessarily see the payment for the subscription... But IF my uBPDw did notice and ask me about it I would just say it's a book that I downloaded that sounded interesting.  If she asked why, I'd say- I'm not sure it just sounded interesting.  If she got suspicious that I thought she had BPD I would probably say something like - I'm not a doctor, do you think you have BPD? 

[thankful person]

I’m going to check out audible, thanks. You’re right, she probably wouldn’t be at all interested in audible, but only thing is she was diagnosed with bpd shortly before we met so hmm that would be interesting. She’d be like, “why would you want to stop caretaking me? Don’t you love me?” I don’t really know what she would say… but I think she would feel very betrayed. She wouldn’t be interested in learning what the book is about though. Just wondering out of interest, how many hours does it take to listen to an ebook? Like how long is “stop caretaking”?

[babyducks]

she was diagnosed with bpd shortly before we met so hmm that would be interesting.

is she still receiving any treatment?   getting support from any source?

She’d be like, “why would you want to stop caretaking me? Don’t you love me?”

I can't let this slide by with out comment.       caretaking is not always love.   not all caretaking is bad, like most things, it exists on a spectrum.   ideally being the emotional leader means caretaking comes with boundaries and respect for both parties needs.

this is from this website:

People with a predisposition to be a codependent enabler often find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante. These helper types are often dependent on the other person's poor functioning to satisfy their own emotional needs.

and this:

For the enabled person the dependence on the enabler is equally profound. In a codependent relationship, their poor functioning essentially brings them much needed love, care, and concern from an enabler and they are accepted as they are with their addiction, or poor mental or physical health.  The enabler's consistent support reduces the outside pressures on the enabled person to mature, or advance their life skills or confidence.

caretaking, when done in unhealthy ways,  keeps both people stuck, trapped and controlled.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[thankful person]

Hi my wife did dbt around the time we got together (2014) but didn’t complete the course. I said that I would leave my ex for her, if she would work on recovering from her eating disorder and self harm. And she is indeed much recovered from those and no longer has the ptsd nightmares. Well she says she sometimes does but nothing near as bad. But as you know, the bpd behaviour has largely continued, but it’s not something we discuss. If you asked her she would say she was diagnosed bpd but has done therapy and recovered. She doesn’t know the term “caretaking” but I think she would like it so would be upset  that I’m reading about quitting it. I am no longer in denial but may have some way to go. I am coming to terms with what a mess my previous relationship was, when I actually thought it was pretty good for 14 years (I posted on “processing stuff from my past).

[Hope4Joy]

The stop caretaking book is 7 hours 40 minutes.
Another thing I picked up on while listening is that we should care for our partners not take care of them. I had to leave our home for 18 hours or so after an episode Friday and I found myself wondering, who will take care of him…