I am processing stuff from the past..

[thankful person]

Hi I hope it is ok to post this here, my head is all over the place but it seems the only safe place I can share. I don’t really know where to begin.
I have never got over my ex, even though I left him. I left a “happy”, stable 14 year relationship with a man I loved, for my wife who at the time was extremely mentally ill, self-harming, eating disordered, suicidal etc. She was 15 years younger than me and lived on the other side of the world (actually in my home country I originally came from). She had recently been diagnosed with bpd. We randomly met online and she began controlling me immediately, not wanting me to stop messaging her to spend time with my boyfriend etc. She made me feel I had to leave him, to save her. I only wanted a friend. But I fell for her, very quickly. And I was obsessed with her, I loved her so much I would do anything for her. Like giving up my whole life. (And can I just say, I miss my cat). When I told my ex about her he became absolutely broken and finally started needing me. It broke my heart. I didn’t want to leave him. But I wanted to be with her. And came to the conclusion that in having to choose between these two people I loved so much, I could never be happy.
Note I just want to mention.. I had never been happy anyway. Not as a child, not as a teen, not in this 14 year relationship with this lovely man. He cared for me, we got on well and had a laugh together. But the main reason I wasn’t happy with him was because I wanted children and he did not, and he refused to discuss it with me (I brought it up about once a year). He didn’t realise how unhappy I was.
So anyway, he has been completely on a pedestal for the past seven years since I left him. He can do no wrong, because when he was so broken and needy, I said I would stay with him to give him a chance to make me happy… knowing he had no chance. He even said he did want children with me but had been too immature to discuss it before. So I stayed with him for six months. And he became the perfect man. Immediately. So since getting with my bpd wife and of course, things were tumultuous from the very beginning. You know what I mean. And every day I’ve missed my ex and wished my wife was easy going like him, and not totally unreasonable all the time.
Last night I was reading the free introductory part of “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. And something stopped me in my tracks and totally blew my mind. It was the line, “the caretaker’s job is to keep up pretences to everyone that the relationship is good and normal and healthy…( or whatever) “. Oh my, well that was what I spent 14 years doing with him. Pretending and lying to everyone that I didn’t want children, to protect him from their judgment. Even though I had always loved children and wanted them and worked with them. People asked me about it all the time.
Now, when I said I was leaving, it was like he suddenly realised how badly he had always treated me. He acknowledged it. And he changed. But for some reason it was all under the surface and so only last night I started reflecting on how bad he did treat me, and I need to share some of it because I would appreciate another opinion. I never thought he was a narcissist. He was kind.
But these are some of the things about our relationship:
Although we had emigrated together and I wanted to come home every year, he did not, so the compromise was going to be every four years (the compromise was decided by him).
He decided what we did, where we went, what we watched on tv. Always. I told him I didn’t like certain things but was still made to watch it. (I just went along with it.)
He wanted me to be a biker like him, I got a Harley which I loved, but then I had an accident and due to shoulder injury had to sell it. So he wanted me on his sports bikes. Which I hated. Because I was terrified. It was only after I said I was leaving, we were getting ready one night to go out on the bikes together and I just went to him and said, “no. I don’t have to do this anymore.” I said the same about his tv programs.
I did get more freedom than I do now, contacting friends, playing the piano… but only because he was playing x box and out running.
Ah yes the running. I was to become trail running and ultra marathon supporter. At each check point, at the right time, with the right supplies, shouting my support and taking perfect photos. And I always failed. Usually I failed to even be there at the right time. And truth be told, I’d have rather stayed in bed.
I was not allowed to buy chocolate or ice cream at the supermarket. I could only have a cake or pudding when out, if he said so. He told me many times that he would leave me if I ever got fat. And he wanted me to be more toned. I worried that if I ever were to get pregnant he would be disgusted by me. And I thought I would have had to choose between him and the baby anyway.
He teased me about being ugly, spotty, having frizzy hair… these were jokes, but as I said to him once it was all out in the open, “you wouldn’t say that to me if I wasn’t ugly”. He would say, “don’t do the chin thing” which is an unattractive facial expression I make. He was very concerned about my facial expression in photos.
Another very stressful part of our relationship was yep, I couldn’t believe it… Christmas and birthday presents. In this regard he was exactly like my bpd wife. Wanting perfect presents. Surprise presents. But he was always disappointed with the presents. I actually couldn’t believe it when my wife turned out to be the same.
These are probably not all of the things that went down. But please help me to understand this. He didn’t mean to be a bad person. He was devastated when he realised how unhappy I was, but I never told him until I’d decided I was leaving him for my wife.
But I seriously have not been able to process how controlling he was and to be fair, also quite unkind, even though to everyone else he was such a wonderful person. We hardly ever argued. He was a good boyfriend to me. Or was he? My mind is blown. I think it’s important I stop seeing him as being so perfect. It has never been fair on my wife. But she wanted me even though I was in love with someone else. I’d rather betray her, the marriage breaker, in this way… rather than my loving long term partner. She demanded I go to her even when I said if couldn’t leave him. He deserved to be set free.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Notwendy]

Broken Person- looking at your romantic choices- it appears you have chosen two controlling partners, as your ex and your wife are both controlling in different ways, but still controlling. And also probably chosen two partners with personality disorders. You also tend to have a rosy view of them- your ex BF appears to you as perfect and also you fell madly over your wife and would choose what she wants over your own wishes.

What else do both of these people have in common? You. You chose them and one big question is- why is it that people with these traits seem to be the ones you are attracted to?

Don't be critical of yourself- we love who we love. Who we are attracted to, and who is attracted to us, is complicated and in many ways beyond our consciousness. It's also formed in childhood by the family emotional patterns and examples of relationships. Also know that you are not alone in this tendency to be attracted to people with a disorder, to love so much you lose touch with who you are, to take on what or who they want you to be rather than to be your own authentic person. Many posters here share similar relationship patterns.

It is also said that if a person leaves one dysfunctional relationship and jumps into another, without self processing their part in the relationship or emotionally heals from it- they risk recreating similar dynamics in the next one. The new partner may not be like the former one- but the patterns can be similar- because it takes both people to form the patterns.

The term for caretaking someone else and doing for other people to the point of losing ourselves is co-dependency. I think the caretakers struggle with this idea due to the word dependent in it. Obviously your wife is the more materially dependent one in your relationship- you take care of her. The dependent term refers to focus. The focus is on her and her wishes and moods and you then form how you are according to her feelings. Your self image and feelings are formed around her. That's the dependent part.

Changing the patterns between you and her- and actually you and anyone else- begins with you. You are the only one you can change. You can't change anyone else. While you can't change your wife, you can work on how you respond to her and also how you can hold on to who you are, no matter how she reacts or what she says.

It takes personal work- with a therapist, 12 step sponsor, whatever type of counseling works for you. I have done work on this and feel it is very worthwhile. I have a mother with BPD and my father was her enabler. ( he is deceased now). Growing up, co-dependency was the "normal" in our home, we were all expected to meet my mother's needs, walk on eggshells, and tolerate her behaviors. As children, these were necessary behaviors in order for our family to function at its best. As adults, taking these behaviors into other relationships causes issues. We are attracted to and attract others who fit familiar emotional patterns. We can identify them and decide they aren't working for us now, and learn new ones. It does take some work, but it can be done.

Idolizing love interests- I can relate to that too but I don't do that anymore since working on co-dependency. Nobody is perfect and thinking they are is an illusion. But imperfect people are worthy of love too. I wonder if this perfectionism is partly thinking you have to be perfect to be loved? I felt that way growing up, because we had to walk on eggshells and behave perfectly- experiencing conditional love. Romantic love can feel overwhelming in comparison. However, love has to include self love. With self love, there's more of a balance. You don't have to give up "loving you" to love someone else.

[thankful person]

Hi not Wendy, and thank you for taking the time to think about my situation and share your thoughts. Honestly I am finding that being here on the site is incredibly healing for me; whilst I hate to be going behind my wife’s back, our relationship has been at breaking point and I think we have a far better chance of survival if I’m learning from the good people here. Since she doesn’t want me to go to therapy. I haven’t ruled it out but I’m not ready to tackle this yet as something she doesn’t want me doing individually or together as a couple.
I knew that I needed space between my relationships. I wrote a song called, “I wanna be alone”. Even my mum became needy at that time which was very strange for her. I had always felt unwanted, and wanted someone to need me, and suddenly I was getting all this attention I had craved.
I do think my wife will be a good mother to the children through their childhood and into adulthood. I hope she will always support their choices. We agree on most aspects of parenting, what a relief! The only thing that I really dislike is when she shouts in front of the children. Sometimes it is often and sometimes not, it’s all in phases depending what’s going on. But yes she does like the dependent stage of a newborn. Is there any alternative idea though? Her hardest challenge has been being jealous of my relationship with the older child, who has become much closer to me since the second arrived, especially since the second was in nicu for a few weeks. Things are getting easier in the regard.
I’m feeling so much more positive since being on here. I don’t think I’m that great at saying the right thing etc. But I’m learning. I am getting better at not saying the wrong thing. But the most valuable thing? I am not so upset by my wife’s treatment of me. And this seems to be making a huge difference. Today was my daughter’s second birthday. We had a slight wobble yesterday while making the cake and the cake nearly went in the bin. Because I told her that when I was at school we had to beat the butter and sugar with a wooden spoon, and she took it to be some form of criticism. But we got through it. Today, we were supposed to be going swimming. But I was told we didn’t have time because I had spent too long video calling my mum and “dd could have just opened one present not several”. Do you know what I said? About this, as well as the cake issue?… Absolutely nothing. And she got over it. All by herself. It was probably the best celebration day we’ve ever had together, apart from our wedding but I think that went well due to the fact that it was such a busy day with many guests. I largely credit it to my learning from others on here and learning about others’ experiences of bpd family. Thank you again.
I hate to think of my ex having a personality disorder. But I know he was becoming more self-aware and wanting to be a better partner. He acknowledged that he would work to be a better partner in future relationships. I hope he’s happy. We have completely lost touch.

[Notwendy]

I think it's a big step to not be emotionally reactive to your wife's moods and also to not try to fix hers. By saying nothing to her remark and letting her manage her own feelings, you are allowing her to get better at that. I am glad this site is helping you to understand the dynamics between the two of you and learn to relate better.