HELP - How do I make a clean cut and end a relationship?

[being me]

How do I make a clean cut. I am fearful of doing it face to face?

My girlfriend has suspected BPD with extreme delusional jealousy issues and comes from alcoholic family (father) and traumatised childhood. She has addictive and obsessive tendencies.
 
We have agreed to end our relationship after a very close 24/7 relationship of 4 years. I am 54 yrs old she is 31. This was her first serious relationship.

I know I have tried my best over 4 years, I've given all, caged myself up to satisfy her needs. I haven't left her on previous occasions up to now (although tried...and sometimes the wrong way, sometimes to get her to change) because of underlying feeling that it's wrong to give up, I need to surrender to all (Buddhist philosophy) and not to abandon her. I am not a quiter. But i feel now is that there is no future together in particular becaus of the underlying feeling is that everything i do is never enough and her controlling needs are out of control.

Her biggest fears of me leaving is abandonment,  lonliness, me meeting another women, me staying in her home country (she insists i must leave) as she is fearful that I will meet another women or make friends with people she knows and she wont be able to move on. However I love living in this country. This is another issue I need to find clarity with?

I ran away 2 weeks ago as I needed space. I escaped a totally controlled environment by leaving when she was away from home as in the pasts she has physically/violently tried to stop me. Since leaving she has stalked me by searching the streets and has been persistent on messaging and calling me.

On past occasions when I have wanted space or time on my own or to end the relationship she has physically tried to  stop me' she has expressed: anger, been violence, cut her wrists 4 weeks ago (police said attention seeking), threatened to kill herself on other occasions, on many occasion after I left wanting a break' she jumped on top of my car or forced herself in my car to stop me from driving off'...and lulled into having sex to draw me back in (my weakness).

2 days ago we agreed on a Whatsapp video call to end our relationship. It went really well with me encouraging not to blame and to be thankful for all the love and beauty . But even though we agreed in a positive and peaceful way to end after a 6 hour video chat I still got lulled into having sex at the end of call because I felt her sexual energy. We are both energy beings.

I spoke with her yesterday. She says she has acceptance and that we should meet face to face to bring closure.

I am fearful of her motive because I know due to our hypersensitivities and the way we feel each others energies that she will remind me to be in the moment, not to get into the mind and that 'it feels right now being together 'now' '...which will possibly lead her to express that things could be different if we try again.

So how do I make a clean cut? Articles I read say do it face to face? People around me say just run away?

Any advice would be so helpful.

Thank you

[Newdawnnewday]

Hi Being Me,

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this very tough spot.

It seems to me you have already made the clean break

You wrote :
"2 days ago we agreed on a Whatsapp video call to end our relationship"

Now, anything more than that would be you being manipulated into staying by her and her fear of abandonment.

I have been there, I had to break up in various ways more than... (too many to count). In the end, I had to simply leave (I even had to move !) and I sent a letter for closure afterwards (but I had ended things face to face before that, then on the phone, etc. ; each time I got sucked back in and it was making it harder and harder to leave). So I just packed my bags and left. And then I sent the letter.

Hell, I even sent two letters, because I was so scared he wouldn't get the first one. And that is, because I was SO SCARED I wouldn't break up with him "the right way" (looking back at it, I was simply held hostage by his fear of abandonment : there was NO right way to leave, he just, didn't want me to leave ; and would use my desire to "do it the right way" to pull me back in each time).

Their pain and their immense dysregulation gets to us, which is normal, as we are empathetic beings.

But our empathy must now be turned towards OURSELVES.

We are allowed to walk away from a relationship that hurts us.

We are even allowed to walk away from a relationship that simply doesn't suit us ! So, of course we have the right to leave one which hurts us.

Why do we feel we don't have that right anymore ? Originally it surely stems from childhood.

And today, it is reinforced by a confusion between our partner's fears and responsibilities and our own.

You are not responsible for the way she reacts to the break up. You're only responsible for you.

Her behavior when you tried to leave before awakened some kind of guilt in you, and you are now left feeling responsible for her feelings and well-being (which is very natural, I still feel that way too, even though 3 weeks NO CONTACT allow for some distance and healthier thinking).

It's VERY hard, as you also have your own feelings and desires (your love and attraction to her) playing in the mix...

But I hope you find in yourself enough LOVE FOR YOU and YOU ONLY to move forward first, and deal with the residual guilt and withdrawal second.

Take care !

PS : also I wanted to add, you're a free being, you're allowed to live in the country of your choice.

PPS : while my ex was guilt-tripping me into staying with him all the time, that didn't prevent him from walking out when he was angry, blame-shifting, never taking responsibility, etc.
Talk about double standards ! We're so preoccupied with sparing their feelings (namely, their fear of abandonment) that we self-abandon and stop taking care of the only adult we have to take care of : ourselves !

[Newdawnnewday]

Being Me,

I forgot to mention something about your girlfriend's behavior. It only appeared to me in retrospect, as we're usually less struck by how abusive a woman's behavior is (than we would if a man displayed similar behaviors), and less likely to name it "abuse".

But I believe that is also the reason why you are, as you say, FEARFUL to end it face to face : because she has been abusive to you in the past (physical abuse, emotional abuse, emotional blackmail) when you did try to end it face to face.

Fear is a normal reaction to have when faced with that degree of violence.

And I must say, none of the rules you'll find on the internet for initiating a break up in a considerate manner (breaking up face to face, giving one another closure, etc.) apply in cases where that degree of abuse is involved.

It may be hard for you (I know it is for me) to call abuse abuse (because of the trauma bond, we are quick to excuse our loved ones' abusive behaviour and tell ourselves, he / she is doing it "out of love", "out of fear" - that's not true ! that's not love : that's control ! That's not love : that's abuse).

However, if you can identify the abuse, it'll be easier for you to understand that this gives you THE RIGHT to protect yourself and leave without making yet another considerate break.

If a female friend told you she was subjected to that kind of abuse, in a relationship, how would you react ? Would you be protective of your female friend ? That's the kind of protection you need to extend to yourself !

What advice would you give her ? That's the advice you need to give to yourself !

Rooting for you here, Being ME !

You can do this !

[Dad50]

Stay strong, as I can attest, it is too soon for that face to face. The trauma bond is too strong. It weakens as you move on, and you will even find yourself progressing from realizing her behavior was unpleasant, to traumatic, to abnormal, and then finally realize that yes, she was abusive. That part is hard to accept. You could love someone who could be so cruel.

You are right to be leery of the face to face. You rightly recognize that that physical, hormonal, chemical intensity is so fierce.  My ex  was sleeping with a new guy consistently within a day of our break up, yet I was still couldn't resist sleeping with her for two months afterward. I mean, he would drop her off, then she wold call me to come over, and I would. She would tell me how great he was compared to me, and then I would go over and sleep with her. We do things we never would have imagined. That bond is almost irresistible at first.

I can say now that if I was face to face with her I could *probably* resist. Most likely. But face to face is dangerous right now for you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey being me, Welcome!  I would say that, like me in the past, you are quite susceptible to manipulation: threats of suicide, dramatic gestures like jumping on your car, using sex to control you, etc.  At the end of the day, you are only hurting yourself by caving in to manipulation.  What you need are boundaries (see Tools, above).  A firm "No" saves a lot of pain down the line.  Of course she wants to discuss your b/u face-to-face, the better to twist your arm.  I suggest you change the pattern by declining to get together.  Make sense?

LuckyJim

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Being Me,  Welcome.  So you're not going to make a "Clean Cut" by having sex with her every time you attempt to break-up in person.  I think that's about as opposite of that as you can get.  Buddhist, Judeo-Christian, Deist philosophies will not help you here.  If your partner has BPD she has twisted thinking and resides in an alternate reality from you (or me).  You're playing a role in a fairy tale, but not one with a happy ending.  You'll have to take the blue pill Neo, and get out of that rabbit-hole as quickly as you can scramble out!

Advice:  Make yourself a cup of tea, make sure you have all your stuff, and go No Contact.

[being me]

Thank you all for your suppoŕt, experiencies, warnings and advice. There seems to be only one way as you have all said. Its what I feel too but just needed that endorsement based on your experiences...so thank you...thank you...thank you.

Just to say since I posted she's been trying to reverse the break up and dropped a whammer 2 days later in the morning saying she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me...then a double whammer by telling me in the afternoon she was testing me to see my reaction and withdrew it...hmmm.

So now I need to draw together all my strength  to grab the moment and end the contact...it feels so so hard knowing that she will be so so distraught...its hard...i know what I need to do. I've always known and now I just need to action it.

I will miss her...but I know I tried my hardest and thats all i can ever do...i'm not perfect myself...but at the end of the day when there is a delusional mind involved I know enough is enough. I suppose one of the hardest things about quitting is knowings its not her fault...alcoholic father...abandoning father...and even Lymes disease may have been a trigger...a life she was born into.

So I will say thank you...and hope she finds away to love her own heart and enjoy the beauty of life...no regrets its been a journey of beauty and many lessons. So I am grateful.
 
I know i have my own work to do on myself and I know we came into a life together for a reason and now is the moment for my feet to do the walking and switch off the mind.

Thank you all so so much for your support.

[Ad Meliora]

Hi again BeingMe.  Seems like you have a good plan, keep us posted as to how it goes.  I saw in your original post you wrote "I am not a quitter".  Neither am I, and my BPDex used that against me.  It was another way for her to control me, keep me in her grasp and attached to her.  Even though for my persistence I was treated as an object, to be used and disposed of at her whim.

On my vision board I have a Visuddhimagga (Love Meditation) that has several parts which I wrote down from a book written by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh.  I often recite one of the passages before I go to sleep at night.  Here's a passage that may help you.

May I know how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day.
May I be able to live fresh, solid, and free.
May I be free from attachment and aversion, but not be indifferent.

[being me]

 

Hi again BeingMe.  Seems like you have a good plan, keep us posted as to how it goes. 

Thanks Ad Meliora for your inspiration and support.

Cut all contact with ex 48hrs ago. The only media I cant block is her emails...hmmm. I have foolishly opened them...hmmm. Just discovered that she is using an app which tells her that I have seen her emails.

My mistake...need to junk them. Just to say she is stating on one hand she wants me 'forever'...on the otherhand she wants me out of her country 'now'...and also she revealed before I cut contact she has been in contact with one of her ex's from 2 years ago when we were previously seperated.

[being me]

This is madness...

Today I get a call from the police...my ex has reported me as a missing person. They needed me to go to the police station to confirm that I am alive and kicking.

So now she is manipulating the police...so resourceful...unbelievable. After validating it was police who contacted me whilst on way had to make contact with ex as i needed to estaish whether she was being vindictive and reporting me as I have a few problems with my residency. She hadnt so went to police station. On way they rang to say that my ex had arrived at the police station. So whilst they kept her thinking I was coming they arranged a meetup for me with police officers elsewhere. All went ok with police however because of ex they had spent 5 hrs searching local villages for me...ol la la. I understand after they gave her some harsh words.

I decided to ring her this evening to find out what she is doing. It turns out she spent the whole of yesyerday and through the night hitch hiking searching villages for me on foot and similarily was searching for me whilst we were talking.

This madness playing a game of escape and evade.

She tells me she loves me wants to spend rest of life with me...2 days ago she said thank you for letting her go so she can find herself. 8 days ago she was messaging one of her ex's. She says stay  in the monent forget about what she prevously has said or done!

I have to get away from this madness...although I am pleased to say that I am pretty calm with things generally at moment.