Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 03:09:29 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I had more interesting thoughts about her past exs  (Read 860 times)
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« on: October 11, 2021, 08:09:59 AM »

Its been a very much untapped region in the quest for solace via digging.

What happened to them? Did they end up similar fates?

I actually got a warning from one very early into the relsitonhship, he said she had made him heartbroken. But i chose to take those words as what id relate to as, there were strong feelings but something went wrong like relationships do and it ended. Cest la vie.

In hindsight do i feel a fool to have not focen that more attention? A bit.

Her reaction to it was instantly dismissive. He was wrong and that was that. With such a tone of self assurance that I sided with her. Because its so self assured because it 'is' the truth, in her minds narrative. Good luck anyone who tries to input their own alternative or challenge it.

Waste of. Time.

And i could open this up and spend some time pondering more about the graveyard od her exs. No. Let go. It was interesting thought but doesnt have to be a rumination.

My solace is there by sampling a taster of a thought, then leave the rest.

Today anyway, im feeling comparatively stronger and centered.

It's why posting strong days help ill remmeber this and anchor back if needed.
Logged
GuyIncognito

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Polyamory
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up from BPD partner. Still in relationship with other partner.
Posts: 13


« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2021, 04:12:22 PM »

The question of my ex's ex-partners really started to surface with me once I saw how bad things had gotten with us more plainly. I couldn't help wondering then, if the stories she told of certain ex-boyfriends being abusive or gaslighting or dismissive or whatever other things she told me, were entirely accurate.

When we first got together, I remember thinking it sucked how often it seemed like she'd ended up with bad partners who didn't do right by her, and that I was not going to that, at least. But now of course, that's exactly how she thinks of me.

The irony is they'd have been the only people who could give me real insight into her. She had no friends, avoided talking to/spending time with family, so I never got anyone else's idea or impressions of her that had actually been close with her and would know more about any of the ways she would eventually show herself to be with me.
Logged
SinisterComplex
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2021, 01:04:08 AM »

The question of my ex's ex-partners really started to surface with me once I saw how bad things had gotten with us more plainly. I couldn't help wondering then, if the stories she told of certain ex-boyfriends being abusive or gaslighting or dismissive or whatever other things she told me, were entirely accurate.

When we first got together, I remember thinking it sucked how often it seemed like she'd ended up with bad partners who didn't do right by her, and that I was not going to that, at least. But now of course, that's exactly how she thinks of me.

The irony is they'd have been the only people who could give me real insight into her. She had no friends, avoided talking to/spending time with family, so I never got anyone else's idea or impressions of her that had actually been close with her and would know more about any of the ways she would eventually show herself to be with me.

Odds are you were treated no differently than the other guys. They are great actresses...truly deserving of Oscars I tell you.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Remember that they cannot acceptable responsibility for their failures and they are perpetually the victim. The disorder is a monster and even if you don't feel like it...the sufferer has it worse...they are static. They will most likely remain the same and repeat the same patterns with others. It won't be better with someone else, but just more of the same. You are dynamic and can choose to be better and to want better. You can learn and grow. Bottom line...Just be happy to be done and moving on to healthier and better things.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
Logged

Through Adversity There is Redemption!
B53
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 326


« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2021, 06:44:30 PM »

Hi Crom,

I hope things are going well for you. You’re mailbox is full, so I’ll send you my well wishes here.

Maybe they were right about their ex’s. They take kind, caring, loving people and suck the life out of them, until there is nothing left. I know that I didn’t like the person that I was becoming. I wasn’t fit for anyone. He use to tell me that his ex-wife was such a beitch and I remembered thinking that if I spent that many years being tortured, I would probably be that way too, I was certainly heading in that direction.
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2021, 07:40:57 AM »

Thanks both

Sc. I believe so too, i wasn't much different in the big picture behavioural patterns. Yes I'm much happier and it's important to focus on, thanks alot

B53. My. Mailbox has compelely disappeared some glitch. Like your situation, her exs were all demonised but then at what id call inappropriate moments she'd have a memory trigger and start crying. I felt annoyed back then wondering why on a good time out she's doing this, i realise now it wasn't creating about them but her 'loss' of them as objects. Very different concept but easy to conflate to the layperson.

And I'm not usually a fan of 'im not normally this way but you forced me tp by your behaviours'

I forgive anyone in these bpd specific circumstances for caving into relentless and full throttle provocations. Its. Exceptional pressure. Even trained psychiatrists can't handle the 40mins probably collapse after, we had 24.7 emotional melee to deal with unsupported unpaid unrecognised as mental health caregivers what should be specialist expert intervention.
Logged
Ad Meliora
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 331



« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2021, 02:38:38 AM »

I've thought about this too, Crom, and I came to the same conclusion that GuyIncognito did and that is that nothing I heard from my BPDex is to be trusted about them.

I took it one step further from a thought experiment to looking up her most recent ex whom she said she lived with for 10 years.  They worked together, and I knew his first name and the town he owned a home in.  I figured he suffered greatly with her over that time.  I wrote him as much and that I thought she had BPD, and that he should research the condition.  I told him I hoped he was okay, and that it wasn't his fault the relationship tanked, and that nothing he could've said or done would've saved it.  I told him I thought he had at least 3 courses of action: 1) call me up and we could share "war stories". 2)  Contact her doctor who was prescribing her anti-depressants and say she likely had BPD or 3)  Do nothing, he suffered that mess long enough to be troubled with another thought of her.

He has chosen option #3 so far, as this was a couple months ago.  What I heard from my BPDex is that her ex called the cops on her when she was moving out (and on her sister).  She was astonished by that.  I'm not.  I feared for my safety while she still had the key to my house.

One day when I was on the phone with her and had written her an exhaustive letter about my ex's (she didn't want to hear it), she opened up a bit.  She rambled through a story of 5 relationships, and I tried to pay attention as closely as I could to what happened there.  I think I even took notes afterward to remember it all--she was an excellent storyteller.  There was a lot there, and I think if I would've taken the time to dissect it I would've found a lot of answers too.  One of the break-ups occurred when an ex wanted her to come to family dinner at Thanksgiving.  She said she was starting up a new restaurant as the manager and didn't want to hear it, she said if he called again she was done with him (discard).  That was telling.  She never met my family and came up with excuses the three times I asked.  It was all about control with her.  Engulfment and avoiding that and meeting any of her exes family because they might see she's a fraud.
Logged

“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.” ― Mark Twain
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2021, 03:04:12 AM »

Sometimes it helps to know when to stop digging and ask why. Its like you say, what good are stories to dissect when can't believe a word of them anyways.

Its in that basis my relationship dissolved the trust just wasn't there and without it theres no point in anything.
Logged
HappyChappy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1607



« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2021, 11:03:42 AM »

Sometimes it helps to know when to stop digging and ask why. Its like you say, what good are stories to dissect when can't believe a word of them anyways.
Wise words Cromwell. Overthinking can just create another problem inside your head.

Logged

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
Erfanovich

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: single
Posts: 27


« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2021, 05:03:59 AM »

I think Cromwell is right, stop digging and move on.

Altough its interesting to read the same thoughts I had for a time being. My ex had also only the most disgusting and horrible exes. I really thought to contact some of them to discuss or to share feelings. I had a hard time to realize that her new boyfriend has heard the most horrible things about me, but then I realized he was now compensating the things I did 'wrong' like I did in the relationship with her. I makes my angry, she did hurt me unbelievable hard and now she is doing it to someone else. But I can't do nothing about it and that's ok.
After a while i discovered it doesn't make a difference to know how her exes are doing or how wrong they were. I know one of her exes from a distance and are ashamed that I had terrible thougthts about him, but now I see him in a new healthy relation so its ok and I know she is the problem. I moved on never knowing if its true, but now I never want to know. With help from my friends, famliy and and a therapist I know that I am a wonderful, kind, and a emphatic person. In fact, I am sure I was the best for her.
Logged
jaded7
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: unclear
Posts: 394


« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2021, 12:25:56 PM »

The question of the ex's.

She always told me, quite proudly, of how she discarded her ex's. Suddenly and without warning. One she left in a hotel room in a city they'd travelled to together. Just left and went home. Another she dumped on a highway (she tried to do this to me too, in the middle of nowhere in the dusk and rain), another she simply ghosted after he didn't leave a big enough tip at a dinner he took her to. I always noted that she told me these stories without me asking, and seemed to be very proud of them.

She also told me that an ex of hers died by suicide, and in his letter he left he blamed it on her. She told me how traumatizing that was, how she had to go to the service. After being the recipient of her horrible insults, put downs, name calling, explosive anger, ghosting, silent treatment, evasions, etc., I"m sorry to admit that I was in that place too, and sometimes still am 18 months later. The words and the anger tend to stick in your subconscious and the shame and guilt can be overwhelming.

She was obsessed with her ex-husband with whom she has a child. She called him a narcissist and abuser, and talked about him constantly. She had me read the emails he sent her, read the texts he sent her, she had me look at his Facebook page to see if he had a girlfriend with him on a trip he took, to see if there was a conference for his industry in the place he went to see if he was telling the truth about the trip. Talking about him was 70% of our conversations in the last 6 months.

I've considered contacting him, but don't and won't. After reading thousands of words of his writing to her (that he didn't think anyone else would see) I simply do not see evidence of an abusive personality. He never was mean, snarky or rude, didn't use foul language, was very to the point. He was frustrated, you could tell, but he had reason to be with her manipulations.
Logged
SinisterComplex
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2021, 03:34:24 PM »

Sometimes it helps to know when to stop digging and ask why. Its like you say, what good are stories to dissect when can't believe a word of them anyways.

Its in that basis my relationship dissolved the trust just wasn't there and without it theres no point in anything.

Trust and respect for me are a huge deal with anyone I deal with. I may be a bit more harsh than others, but I look at it as if I cannot trust you than you are worthless and useless to me. Emphasis on TO ME. Perhaps the person can do better with others, but if I am disrespected and I cannot trust you I essentially tell the person to kick rocks. It is that kind of force and energy that keeps the BS  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) away from me and crappy people away in general. My circle is full of people who understand my simple principles...Respect, respect, respect. Trust, trust, trust. And of course reciprocity.

Lastly, it is always a wise decision just to let things be when dealing with a disordered person because trying to figure out the why will essentially make you feel like you are the one who is disordered. Moral of the story...let sleeping dogs lie.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
Logged

Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #11 on: October 19, 2021, 04:34:42 PM »

Thanks SC

having my back when I feel ive needed it most.

I do know I have to stay entirely away from her, its getting much easier and that reflex upset anger somehow is evaporated. a lot of this is neuro-programmed reflex stuff, its sort of literally "going against the grain" to over-ride it, at the ripe old age of nearly 40, but ultimately, ive learned its possible and not to let into learned impulses.

I have also taken Sapphos advice to resume some martial arts training. I havent read the theory behind it, but so far its been incredibly helpful. Similar to soccer, I dont think anything of her during those hours, probably also because its too high intensity and requires paramount concentration I wouldnt be able to afford the luxury to ruminate in memories of the past.

thanks again appreciated.
Logged
SinisterComplex
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #12 on: October 20, 2021, 01:39:32 AM »

Thanks SC

having my back when I feel ive needed it most.

I do know I have to stay entirely away from her, its getting much easier and that reflex upset anger somehow is evaporated. a lot of this is neuro-programmed reflex stuff, its sort of literally "going against the grain" to over-ride it, at the ripe old age of nearly 40, but ultimately, ive learned its possible and not to let into learned impulses.

I have also taken Sapphos advice to resume some martial arts training. I havent read the theory behind it, but so far its been incredibly helpful. Similar to soccer, I dont think anything of her during those hours, probably also because its too high intensity and requires paramount concentration I wouldnt be able to afford the luxury to ruminate in memories of the past.

thanks again appreciated.

Always mi amigo. And BTW...my brother I say screw tradition and what the norms of the world say...40 is when life really begins. Hell I'm happier now as I've gotten older. However, I also refuse to give into Father Time so easily. I am a passionate and driven biohacker so I will tangle with Father Time just like I did my own father who was an awesome man BTW (I may not win, but backing down is just not coded into my DNA). LOL. Seriously man I think people get too down about aging. It all depends on how you view things. With age comes wisdom and experience. What does that mean? An ability to have more fun because you know what you like and what you don't and you'll overall make better decisions because of that...well hopefully ;-).

I mean as a prime example...I'm older and youth is no longer on my side, but I am the largest and most muscular I have ever been. When I did bodybuilding and personal training over a decade ago I thought I hit my pinnacle and I pulled off 292lbs Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 6.6 Body Fat. Up until the past year and a half I could never get above 300lbs. Well now I'm 350lbs and 14% Body Fat (endless hours of research and biohacking experimenting and just plain flat out busting my Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)$$). My goal is to get down to 300lbs Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 10% Body fat (I don't like going below that actually...sex drive and energy suffers below 10%). I'm 6'4" so while the weight looks like a lot you'd never think I'd weigh that much. Ha.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on here...my point was to quit thinking of the age factor as an anchor weighing you down and instead look at it as a life boat you made it to after a shipwreck...in essence, time to start over and build something new...stronger and better than ever before.

BTW...you are doing pretty damn good Crom. Keep it up!

#bropound

Vaya Con Dios

Cheers and best wishes mi amigo  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged

Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!