Having a very difficult time. Please help

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

It’s been a month and a week and a half since I broke up with my exwBPD and I still feel horrible. I wake up at odd hours of the night, have horrible stomach aches, and I can’t stop thinking about what she’s up to or if I should reach out or not. I’m watching videos about BPD day after day, but it only gives momentary bursts of peace. I feel like utter garbage.

It’s been 5 weeks no contact, and if I’m honest, I’m hurt that she hasn’t made any effort to reach out, seems like she’s enjoying herself from what I’ve seen in her friends social media, and my ex still has me blocked on her social media. I can’t stop replaying the break up and the texts afterward or if I made the right choice in breaking up and everything else. I’m cannibalizing myself with all these questions and what if’s, and it’s just so painful that it doesn’t look she is being burdened by any of this. It feels like she discarded me without her actually having to do it. The entire ordeal feels so unresolved, it’s making my lose my mind.

I don’t know. Am I losing my mind about all this? I know this level of obsession and concern with her isn’t healthy, but I don’t know what else to do to shake it. I workout everyday, see friends, eat cleanly. Any sort of advice or dialogue or insight, anything, would be really helpful right now. What should I do and not do? Should I reach out, let her know I’m thinking of her, dk her if she wants to talk over some coffee, etc?

Thank You,
Deep Blue

[Deep Blue]

Hello,

It’s been a month and a week and a half since I broke up with my exwBPD and I still feel horrible. I wake up at odd hours of the night, have horrible stomach aches, and I can’t stop thinking about what she’s up to or if I should reach out or not. I’m watching videos about BPD day after day, but it only gives momentary bursts of peace. I feel like utter garbage.

It’s been 5 weeks no contact, and if I’m honest, I’m hurt that she hasn’t made any effort to reach out, seems like she’s enjoying herself from what I’ve seen in her friends social media, and my ex still has me blocked on her social media. I can’t stop replaying the break up and the texts afterward or if I made the right choice in breaking up and everything else. I’m cannibalizing myself with all these questions and what if’s, and it’s just so painful that it doesn’t look she is being burdened by any of this. It feels like she discarded me without her actually having to do it. The entire ordeal feels so unresolved, it’s making my lose my mind.

I don’t know. Am I losing my mind about all this? I know this level of obsession and concern with her isn’t healthy, but I don’t know what else to do to shake it. I workout everyday, see friends, eat cleanly. Any sort of advice or dialogue or insight, anything, would be really helpful right now. What should I do and not do? Should I reach out, let her know I’m thinking of her, dk her if she wants to talk over some coffee, etc?

Thank You,
Deep Blue

[Dad50]

It’s hard, but there are reasons that you broke up with her.  Sometimes it can help you to articulate those reasons out loud, either here or trusted  friends. When you say it out loud, to someone else, you start to realize how bad it really was. Like any addiction, our mind will defend the addiction. Our mind wants to maintain the addiction , so we will minimize, make excuses, and justify stuff that is truly unjustifiable.

So I would start there. Remind yourself and remind us why you broke up.  It is super, super hard to even break up with a BPD, so it must have been hard, and if it was hard for you it as probably worse.

And go easy on yourself. It feels like you are completely messed up. Like, asking if you messed up braking up. My guess is you didn’t.  As far as how she is all happy go lucky about it all, that seems typical of most BPD here as well. She was happy go lucky with you at the beginning as well I bet.  That is just their defense and disorder.

[Deep Blue]

Thank you for replying Dad50.

I broke up with her because she kept instigating fights and would overreact to benign circumstances. Whether it was me not responding within an hour of a text, or me saying I’d be “unavailable” for a day or two, she would explode in a fit of anger. What ended up leading me to break up with her though is that I shared an insecurity with her that resulted in me telling her a white lie. I apologized for it and detailed my insecurity, and then days later she shamed me for it and told me that she was being really turned off by me. That issue more or less resolved and a few days later we had planned to hangout, but then she blew up about a perceived sleight. When I tried talking to her about it, she threw my stuff at me and told me that “she bet she could find someone somewhere else who could treat her better than I do”.

She would accuse me of cheating every week, and each time I told her that she needed to trust me, as the weeks went by, her responses grew more and more hostile and dismissive. I would cry and she wouldn’t react at all towards it. It was only growing more and more dysfunctional each week. That is why I pulled the plug. But I’m still all messed up and missing her and thinking about her constantly.

Can I ask though, why are they so nonchalant and easy going after break ups? Do they not feel a sense of mourning or loss? Do they have no wishes to rekindle or reach out? Why?

[Newdawnnewday]

Hi Deep Blue,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain at the moment, but I'm not surprised. I am currently three and a half weeks out of a relationship w/ a gentleman suffering from BPD, and the degree of emotional pain and obsession is extreme.

Honestly, I suspect the intensity of the relationship you describe is what makes you currently go through that kind of withdrawal.

We mistake the expression of their deepest insecurities, fears of abandonment, wanting to be with us all the time, etc. ; preventing us from going about our days normally, etc. : we mistake all of this for LOVE and a love of the most intense kind.

So, it's only natural that while in the relationship, a part of us feels really loved. We then bond, in a deep manner.

When these relationships end, sometimes they project their dysfunctional love elsewhere. It takes a lot of time and dedication for us to SEE CLEARLY and realize that this was perhaps, not love ! And it hurts, enormously !

This usually goes back to our childhoods. If we had dysfunctional parents, that were unable to love us and bond with us in a healthy manner, we still had to convince ourselves they loved us, it was a matter of survival. Any indication to the contrary (and if we're raised in a dysfunctional / neglectful / abusive household, there were many, perhaps on a daily basis) was a direct threat to our survival !

I guess it's the same in the dysfunctional adult relationships we choose, until we've healed our own wounds. We feel that losing that love threatens our survival.

But in truth, it is the opposite. That "abusive" love (if I may call it that) was what was threatening our survival all the time !

It sounds as though you're in a trauma reaction, and your fight / flight reaction has been activated (which explains the symptoms you're dealing with). You've associated this relationship with a deep threat.

But don't be mistaken : the threat is not in ending the relationship and going through withdrawal. The threat would have been : staying in it and losing yourself, petal by petal. Now you get a chance to GET BACK to being you. You have a chance to GET YOURSELF back, even if it means, for a couple more weeks (I know, it sounds awful !), or a month, having to endure these horrific symptoms (of which rumination and endless questions, such as "did she really love me ?" "how can she appear so happy ?" are a part).

I would suggest reframing the symptoms you're having as : having a very bad case of the flu. The only way out is through. And then, journalling if you can, and writing down what progress you've made, even if it is just MINUTE, any type of progress is an indication that you have a BIT OF YOURSELF BACK.

Even just 1%.
1% better sleep.
1% respite from the obsession.
etc.

Also, I would suggest, if you can't get out of the obsession, try both of these alternatively :
-accept that you're obsessed and that it can be therapeutic to indulge in the obsession at times (binge-watching videos on the disorder) ;
-and at times, force yourself, even if for just 10 minutes, to watch something totally unrelated to the subject ; or do something totally unrelated.

Even if you don't manage to focus on the subject, really, try something new, again and again and again, until new neural pathways that take you AWAY from the issue are formed.

It sounds crazy, how could we be so obsessed ? But only one who has gone through this degree of intensity and dysregulation can relate.

So, try to remember : what subject did you love before meeting her ? What videos used to catch your attention ? Anything you loved ? Make a list.

Even 5 minutes away from the subject is 5 minutes of freedom. 

They'll add up, and after a couple of weeks, you'll manage to pull away for half an hour, maybe, an hour at a time.

It may seem very little, but that half hour is the road to freedom, the first step to an entire life, free of drama.

Remind yourself why you chose to pull the plug on that relationship.

What was the highest value you were trying to preserve and cultivate ? Reframe your decision in the positive.

For instance : FREEDOM

I decided to end this relationship because I value Freedom above everything.

You can also list all the things you now get to be free from. Freedom is scary when our mental space is full of rumination ; but don't worry, once the obsession clears, and abates, we'll know exactly what to do with this freedom we decided to gift ourselves.

Take care !

[Newdawnnewday]

Also, since you asked for advice : do not reach out !
Let these URGES pass. These are only urges, they are so strong that they distort our reality (the emotional, and physical movement propelled by urges of that intensity is incredible ! the ripples through our bodies, minds and souls are extreme ! yet we can learn to resist them, and then they pass).

And as soon as you're out of the urge to contact someone so destructive to you, ask yourself questions :

If I weren't in a trance-like state because of this urge, would I want someone like this for a long-term partner ?
(you can choose anything she has made you to feel and that has caused you to pull the plug on the relationship)
For instance : if I weren't in the throes of an urge right now, would I want someone who uses the insecurity I shared against me ? Would I want to be with someone who makes me feel unsafe because she rages at me ? etc.

(of course not : we want the opposite ! someone who cherishes us enough to love our insecurities just as much as they love us ! someone who makes us feel safe ! someone who doesn't project their dysregulation, chaos and drama onto us !)

Etc

Asking yourself the right questions will allow you to connect with what you TRULY, DEEPLY want : a healthy relationship ; and not what you desire in the moment.

Ask yourself : what do you really want ? Deeply ? Truly ? Vs : what do you think you want now, because you're in withdrawal, in a bit of a trance state, or having an urge that is difficult to combat ?

[SinisterComplex]

Hello,

It’s been a month and a week and a half since I broke up with my exwBPD and I still feel horrible. I wake up at odd hours of the night, have horrible stomach aches, and I can’t stop thinking about what she’s up to or if I should reach out or not. I’m watching videos about BPD day after day, but it only gives momentary bursts of peace. I feel like utter garbage.

It’s been 5 weeks no contact, and if I’m honest, I’m hurt that she hasn’t made any effort to reach out, seems like she’s enjoying herself from what I’ve seen in her friends social media, and my ex still has me blocked on her social media. I can’t stop replaying the break up and the texts afterward or if I made the right choice in breaking up and everything else. I’m cannibalizing myself with all these questions and what if’s, and it’s just so painful that it doesn’t look she is being burdened by any of this. It feels like she discarded me without her actually having to do it. The entire ordeal feels so unresolved, it’s making my lose my mind.

I don’t know. Am I losing my mind about all this? I know this level of obsession and concern with her isn’t healthy, but I don’t know what else to do to shake it. I workout everyday, see friends, eat cleanly. Any sort of advice or dialogue or insight, anything, would be really helpful right now. What should I do and not do? Should I reach out, let her know I’m thinking of her, dk her if she wants to talk over some coffee, etc?

Thank You,
Deep Blue

DB, so again how you feel is actually pretty normal. You are not losing your mind. Also, relax because your world is not crashing down and the world is not ending. So with that said take a breather and be kind to yourself. Also, keep in mind here I do have your back but I have to provide some tough love for a moment...

Absolutely do not reach out. Period!

Ok, so you are educating yourself on BPD. That is fine and all, but as you found out that will only get you so far. The real battle is for you to educate yourself on well...YOURSELF. What goals do you have in life? What are your passions? No one person deserves this much attention and focus except for yourself in your world. Get it? Got it? Good!

Who gives a S  what she is doing. She isn't your problem or responsibility. She has to save herself. You have to save yourself. Cut the umbilical cord of attachment. MOVE ON, LET GO! Focus on what YOU are doing.

Your mind set is unfortunately based too much on someone else. You cannot allow that to happen to yourself. You need to learn how to derive happiness from the inside out so you do not run into this kind of hurt again. You may have other relationships in the future that may not work out and fail so take your lumps and work on making yourself a better man.

You are working out and going out with friends...that is good. However, I want to point something out with that. Are you doing it to appease others? Are you doing it because you want to or feel obligated to do so? Do you enjoy working out? Is fitness something you are really into? Do you enjoy your alone time? Do you have any hobbies you enjoy doing by yourself? Why am I asking? To find something else to put your mind and focus on that is getting neglected. Take all of the negative energy and start using it as motivation to turn it into positive energy. The best thing you can do you is replace the destructive thoughts and behaviors with something constructive and productive and then let time and the universe do their thing.

You got your heart crushed yes, but guess what? You are still here. You are still alive and even better you have youth on your side...start putting things in motion to make your life better for you and allow the room for better people to come into your life and for better opportunities to come your way.

I know you want to stubbornly focus on her, but we are going to focus on YOU ok.

#bropound

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[confused4now]

  I know I am just reiterating what has already been said, but do not reach out. i went through years of the "Suitcase Drills" it did not get better. When I reached out or went back to my ex, I always felt good at first, because the anxiety of breaking up left. The relief felt so much better then the anxiety, I thought I needed the relationship.
  It does get better, but the sucky thing is it takes time, and a lot of behavior modification for you. that means, if you truly want to exorcise this person from your soul, you must not give into the traps that bind you.
  I can relate to going crazy in your mind, and only getting moments of relief, and seeing or hearing about them; they seem great, that really hurt, because I thought I was different ...
  I did what ever I needed to do in order not to contact him. I wasn't perfect, I would check his social media, look through old photos ect.. Sadly, if I am honest, I was in such denial about our relationship, I was waiting for the representative I fell in love with to beg me back. That stopped a few years ago, along with my self care(mental). If I would have cared more about my withering self esteem, I might have saved myself a few years of hell.
  It has been 3 years N/C, and life is so much better, it has taken a lot of work, therapy, and soul searching to see clearly. i still think of him(relationship), but my thoughts are very different. I am processing regret, I really wish I would have walked away the first time my instinct told me he could not be trusted. I wish you well, and really hope you put one foot in front of another, one day at a time, stay away. 

[Erfanovich]

Hello,

It’s been a month and a week and a half since I broke up with my exwBPD and I still feel horrible. I wake up at odd hours of the night, have horrible stomach aches, and I can’t stop thinking about what she’s up to or if I should reach out or not. I’m watching videos about BPD day after day, but it only gives momentary bursts of peace. I feel like utter garbage.

It’s been 5 weeks no contact, and if I’m honest, I’m hurt that she hasn’t made any effort to reach out, seems like she’s enjoying herself from what I’ve seen in her friends social media, and my ex still has me blocked on her social media. I can’t stop replaying the break up and the texts afterward or if I made the right choice in breaking up and everything else. I’m cannibalizing myself with all these questions and what if’s, and it’s just so painful that it doesn’t look she is being burdened by any of this. It feels like she discarded me without her actually having to do it. The entire ordeal feels so unresolved, it’s making my lose my mind.

I don’t know. Am I losing my mind about all this? I know this level of obsession and concern with her isn’t healthy, but I don’t know what else to do to shake it. I workout everyday, see friends, eat cleanly. Any sort of advice or dialogue or insight, anything, would be really helpful right now. What should I do and not do? Should I reach out, let her know I’m thinking of her, dk her if she wants to talk over some coffee, etc?

Thank You,
Deep Blue

Hi Deep Blue,

Hard to read that you are in so much pain and sorrow. And probably i say the same what others have written but thats what it is and we all heve been there. What you are going trough is normal but a lot heavier and is a self defence system of your mind and body. Yes, you feel like garbage, thrown away, you think you are the problem and it's your fault you lost the love of your life and yes you think she is happy. But she is not, its the same period you had when you met her... Its not your fault, you batteled a unwinable fight...

What you tell is exactly the same I felt and have been, still not there but a little further in the proces.

I my opinion is what you think something else than what you feel. In fact you can't feel or think normally because of a severe trauma bond. Your heart is not telling what your mind wants to tell you. What I read is that all you want is her, because you 'think' your life is nothing without her. And yes, leaving a BPD is very very hard (btw most break ups are hard) because of the traumabond, the mindgames being played, the blaming and in much cases the lies, and probably even your break up was a lie. She had already a exit strategy en there is someone else. Hard to read but believe me, there is... In another post you wrote she accused you of cheating but in most BPD or NPD relations when he/she tells this, they are actually doing it themselfes. And in my case, she did, multiple times en blamed me for doing it, or being the reason she had to do it, but still told me she loved me like nobody else ( real mindf*ck huh?).
Don't foget the reasons you broke up. There are good reasons why you had to and problaby a lot: devaluation, humilation, anger, blaming, chaos, and finally the discarding. Normal people won't do that in a relation or with you. Dont' forget she yelled at you that there was an other person better for her. No, there isn't, never will be, but thats not your problem anymore, you can't save her!
Don't forget: you are not dealing whit a person who feels, think or handle like you do!
I write a lot of 'don't forgets' but thats the thing you have to do: don't stick with the nice moments, the romantic energy, the sex, the 'soulmate'feeling because thats gone and never will return when you go back. Believe me and others: never go back because you will be punished harder than before. I experienced it and a lot of others here to.

But, now the 'good' news. This period of shame, guilt and wanting her back will stop eventually. I did not eat for weeks, did not sleep for weeks, wanted her back so bad, thinking about her constantly, and blaming myself for losing the love of my live. (she replaced me 1 day after our very emotional break-up) and even wanted to kill myself at some point. That was the moment I realised I was going to fight back and make my life my own life! But you have to work hard for it. Most important thing is time AND don't contact her! Give it time! And second: embrace the pain. Embrace it and don't put it away, because you have to feel it to heal. Listen to your body, soul and feeling. Take time for that, every day for at least 10-15 minutes. Concentrate on the pain, the feelings and let it be, because it will be there all day and will not go away. The pain you feel you will feel again when you contact her. Maybe for a short period you will feel great, but after a few days or weeks you will feel miserable as before, even more for sure and another break-up period will be.

Write a letter to her (DON'T SEND IT, EVER!) and tell her what you felt during the relation, tell her everything: your pain, hate, chaos, questions and why it did not work out. Tell what you did wrong, and what she did wrong, nad don't be nice, tell all you disliked or hated in the relationship. It helps you to understand the dynamics and it tells you why the break up was neccesary: you choose for yourself and probably you should have done it earlier...

You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally!

The traumabond is something you need to work on, in my case a professional, it's scary  and hard but it will help you.

 Deep Blue: you deserve yourself, dont be so hard on yourself ( typical for empaths) and try to move on, embrace the nice moments which will come, sometimes sooner than you think. Arm yourself for a charm in some time but when she charms: Dont believe the sh*t she says! Never!
You moved on, and happier times will follow. Take the time, go to friends, laugh and embrace the nice moments. Every moment you dont think about her is a win! You need this moments and be aware of it, the time they last, what feeling it gives you. Experience the progress, every little step brings you closer to a better feeling, a better life and eventually a better relation with someone who really loves you and respects you how you are. Its freedom! Everyone deserves it.

Maybe read this, it says a lot: https://joannewellington.com/2020/10/11/powerful-words-from-anthony-hopkins-must-read/

Stay strong Deep Blue!

[Erfanovich]

Dear Deep Blue,
I read my reply and maybe I was a little bit strong to you and her. But the message is clear: think why you left her and what you are really feeling, what you deserve. Maybe you think you deserve her behaviour and disrespect and rages. No, you don't! 

I truly loved my BPD ex, still do. Our break-up was a (at first) soft and emotionally break-up. She loved me, never wanted to loose me and still believed in our love and getting old together. I confronted her with her behaviour towards me and the problems she had, told her I was broken after 4 years of giving everything, being there for her, 4 years of comforting her, helping her and loving her. She had replaced me with another guy which she was dating several months, I knew it, but did not tell her. She lied and manipulated all the way.  Although she hugged me for about 1 hour crying she ended with a rage telling me I was the one who had a problem, I was sick and needed help from a shrink and told me she was going with the other guy from now on.

You mentioned several moments which I relate to. Confronting with things happened some days or even weeks earlier, blaming you of telling lies, or just tell you you are a horrible person or lover. Once, she yelled at me: for you there are 10 guys for me who want me! I remember a occasion that I picked her up to bring her home. She asked me to drop her off at the street corner, I did. 2 weeks later we had a huge argument about it. She blamed me for being a terrible man to drop her off like that and leaving her at the cold street corner and not loving her ( it was 40yrds from her home). I lost count of all the arguments we had like this. But the result was I felt guilty and was compensating over and over and over untill you break.

Still i love her, and hope she is happy but I know she isn't, the same things happens with her new boyfriend but I hope she will find peace and happiness.  She has a place in my heart and always be, she can't do anything about it. She had a terrible youth and is in a lot of trouble. But after my period of pain, hurt, sorrow, guilt and wanting her back to forget the pain I realized that I deserve better. Did I deserve all the rages? did I deserve all the lies? Did I deserve the knowing she was with another guy and coming back to me as the love of her life? Did I deserve the manipulation? And is it my duty to save her while my life breaks apart? When she told me she will work on her problems I had given her a chance, but she went on, starting over the same show. I didn't wat a part of that anymore.

Do you? No Dee Blue, you don't. Keep that in mind all the time. Your chaos now is like a sigarette for a smoker, a drink for a alcoholist. A smoke or a drink reliefs the pain or tears for a short period. But when the rush is over regret starts... Don't reach out.

No!