Hard to believe it's been 18 months.

[brighter future]

I thought I'd make a post about my progress, as it's been quite a while since I created a post about myself. Earlier this month was the 18 month mark of when I was abruptly discarded by my uBPD ex-g/f. I still drop by the forum at least a few times a week to read posts and share some of my experiences with others if I think I can help out. Stopping by the forum does help keep me in check and reminds me about what landed me here in the first place a little over 16 months ago.

The appointments with my counselor have been stepped down to once per month. Initially I attended once per week, then I stepped down to every other week after about the 6 month mark.  Both my counselor and I feel like I've progressed a lot, and she feels like I've changed a lot for the better since I started seeing her for sessions in May of 2020. I feel like I've made great strides in self-confidence, and I am so much more self-aware. I've learned so much about myself and why I've entered into two codependent/BPD relationships in a row. That's a cycle that I've made a commitment to break now that I know what the source of those issues are, and I don't need to rescue and take care of people to feel worthy.

A little over 3 months ago, I met a nice woman that lives approximately 7 miles from my home. She has a child that is the same age (and same grade in school) as my child.  We go on dates alone when the children are away with their other parent, and we also do fun activities together with our children. The kids get along well so far, so that's a big plus. As far as my new lady friend, she is 5 years younger than me, has been in her present job for almost 11 years, has a college degree, and owns her own home which was purchased after her divorce. Her behavior is consistent, and there is no push/pull behavior or love bombing like I had with my BDP ex-wife and uBPD ex-g/f. I'm still vigilant, but I am not hypervigilant. I am primarily focused on having a fun, healthy relationship with her, and I think we're doing a pretty good job with that so far.

I still see my uBPD ex-g/f on occasion in passing when she visits her parents next door to me. We went through a period where she'd acknowledge me, then went through a period of time when I was flat out ignored like I was the plague. I had usually made it a point to be cordial and wave, especially when her children or my child are around. I am not interested in another other contact besides that and always keep it simple when I have conversation with her. I do not converse with her in any other way like social media, texts, or email.  Over the last month or so, she's been acknowledging me more. About a week and a half ago, she came over right behind her son and dog while I was outside and struck up a 10 minute conversation with me like I was a long lost friend giggling and laughing virtually the entire time. It was very odd considering how I was treated like I was a leper this past Spring.  She told me goodbye and said that she had to get back over to her parent's house. Before she walked away she said to her son, "Are you going to stay here with brighter future, or are you coming back with me?"  I thought that was odd as well, especially since I was busy trying to mow my yard. Her life is basically still the same since our split a year and a half ago. She's still struggling significantly emotionally and financially and even posts about it on social media (with inappropriate attention seeking posts) from time to time based on what friends are telling me. Nine to ten months ago, she swore to mutual friends that she and this new guy were going to get engaged. There was no ring on her finger when I saw her the week before last, so apparently he's in no rush for that. I'm still thankful that it's not me. I definitely dodged a bullet.

Best wishes to all of you. I hope everyone that is presently struggling  finds peace and comfort soon. I'm here to tell you that it really does get better. Hang in there!

[lichtermeer]

Your post gives  a lot of hope, thank you so much for sharing your progress with us.
It's true it takes two to tango. And despite the fact, that most of the time the raging and problems that come with a bpd relationship aren't exactly the partner without bpd 's fault, there are still patterns and cycles why we entered in those relationships in the first place. At least in most cases.
I wish you the best and you can be so proud of yourself to become the reflected and strong person that you are.

[brighter future]

Your post gives  a lot of hope, thank you so much for sharing your progress with us.

Thank you, lichtermeer. I wouldn't be where I'm at today if it wasn't for this forum, my counselor, along with supportive family and friends. The forum was/is beneficial because it grouped me with people that had been through similar experiences. It showed me that I wasn't alone, and for that I will always be grateful!

Take care of yourself.

[poppy2]

Hi brighter future,

It's really helpful to reach your post. I'm glad that things have improved for you.

Best wishes
poppy

[SinisterComplex]

BF, I am happy to see you in a much better place and doing so much better. Big difference. I do remember once upon a time where you were at on here. Additionally, I am happy to see you here again and posting and providing hope and inspiration to others.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[brighter future]

Poppy & SC,

Thanks for your kind responses. When my ex walked over from her parents house to see me the week before last, it showed that that I'd come a long way. We've had similar encounters over the last 18 months (this time she talked a lot more than in other instances). Our encounter prior to the one week before last occurred 3-4 months ago.  Previous encounters from the time of the breakup to the 1 year anniversary usually always made me anxious, caused my heart to race, and I felt awful emotionally for at least a few days afterwards.

At our most recent encounter, I remained completely calm during and afterwards, and there were no ruminations in regards to her in the days that followed. I truly believe that I am over her for good. That strong physical attraction that I once had for her has all but dwindled. There's a little curiosity at times about what she's up to, but that's really it.  I'm also confident that getting back out in the dating world and seeing someone regularly has helped tremendously as well.

I'll continue to check in on the forum as often as I can. Take care of yourselves! 

[Ad Meliora]

Thanks for sharing.  It sounds like you're in a pretty good place and the future is looking up on the relationship side of things.  That's great to hear.  I'm approaching 15 months (an update to ensue).  I think you hit on a lot of good points demonstrating, for example, your BPDex said she found someone new perfect to get engaged too, yet there's no ring.  The same things over and over if you stay in their vortex, and actually, you never know where you stand whether in the relationship or even as a casual viewer living next door.  I have been fortunate that I don't have to be exposed to any of her toxicity in any way.  No social media.  No neighborly drop-ins.  Sounds like things are living up to your name!

[brighter future]

Thanks for sharing.  It sounds like you're in a pretty good place and the future is looking up on the relationship side of things.  That's great to hear.  I'm approaching 15 months (an update to ensue).  I think you hit on a lot of good points demonstrating, for example, your BPDex said she found someone new perfect to get engaged too, yet there's no ring.  The same things over and over if you stay in their vortex, and actually, you never know where you stand whether in the relationship or even as a casual viewer living next door.  I have been fortunate that I don't have to be exposed to any of her toxicity in any way.  No social media.  No neighborly drop-ins.  Sounds like things are living up to your name!

Thanks Ad Meliora. I look forward to hearing an update on your progress in the near future. I will keep an eye out for it.

As far as how I felt during the months after the breakup, the intense pain didn't ease up until about the 3 month mark. I noticed significant improvement at the 5-6 month mark. However I started getting social media blips from her 5 months after the split even though I'd removed her (did not block though) from my social media accounts. She was reacting and commenting on things that I would say to mutual friends over social media. That lasted off and on for roughly six months. During that time period, I also received a text message from her on my phone asking to see me so she could return an item that I had given her a year prior (an item that I told her I did not want back when I gave it to her). I declined her offer and told her to give it away to a person or charity of her choice. Those events caused me to start frequent ruminations about her again, which caused some setbacks for me. My counselor and this forum (time as well) were able to get me back on track, and I found myself really letting go of her around the 8 month mark. She's probably walked over into my yard at least a half dozen times or more since the breakup. It's usually awkward, and I've noticed that she will never look me in the eye while she's speaking to me.

Their behavior and way of life is truly like the vortex that you describe. Anyone that is around her gets sucked right into it. Early on in our relationship, she told me that most people didn't stay in her life long and that "most people when they really get to know me end up not liking me." Too bad I wasn't paying better attention when she told me these things.  A mutual friend of ours told me that she's repeating the same things with her current b/f that she did with me, her ex-husband, and other relationships before us. My ex told this mutual friend that she broke up with me because "I am not going to date him forever and not be engaged." Funny thing is, in about a month, she'll be with this guy as long as she was with me and still has no engagement ring from him. Like our mutual friend said, "She'd cut off her nose to spite her face."  I feel fortunate to have escaped the vortex before it was too late. Maybe one day she'll get the help that she needs for her sake and also for the sake of her two children.  The have certainly suffered because of her issues.

Best wishes and thank you again.

[WhatToDo47]

Thanks for posting this! Gives a lot of hope and strength to keep going! Glad you’re doing so well and hope we all get to that point!

[brighter future]

Thanks for posting this! Gives a lot of hope and strength to keep going! Glad you’re doing so well and hope we all get to that point!

You're quite welcome, WhatToDo. Hang in there, and I will be thinking about all of you that are struggling now. Things will get better! Just be patient and kind to yourselves. Personally, it took me 6-9 months after the breakup before I felt more like myself again, but we all heal at different paces.

Best wishes to you!

[WhatToDo47]

You're quite welcome, WhatToDo. Hang in there, and I will be thinking about all of you that are struggling now. Things will get better! Just be patient and kind to yourselves. Personally, it took me 6-9 months after the breakup before I felt more like myself again, but we all heal at different paces.

Best wishes to you!

Thank you so much! That really does help. Any tips on the healing that helped you or that you wish you would have done differently? Or just time, kindness, and posting/reading here.

[brighter future]

Thank you so much! That really does help. Any tips on the healing that helped you or that you wish you would have done differently? Or just time, kindness, and posting/reading here.

Definitely time, kindness, and support from this forum. On the days that I didn't feel like getting up, I forced myself to get out of the house to work on projects and go on hikes. For about 8 months, I made it a point to take a 2-3 mile hike at the local park out in the woods. It did wonders for my mind and helped me sleep better at night. I also religiously went to counseling once a week for roughly six months. Then I stepped down to twice per month and once per month. I suppose it's been about 10 months since I've gone to a session with the counselor. It probably wouldn't hurt to drop in and see her once every couple of months to check in, and that's something I'm considering to stay on track.

As far as things I wish I would have done a little differently, one thing comes to mind. Even though I removed my ex from social media and went no contact with her, I still checked her social media sometimes daily for several months. I believe that set me back in my recovery watching her parading her rebound man around. It certainly didn't do me any favors. I've casually heard from her several times in a few different ways (in person, online, and phone text message) over the last two years, but I've never given her the opportunity to make it more than it was. On several of those encounters, I got the distinct impression that she was trying to feel me out. My counselor thought so as well. That started roughly 5 months after the split. She knows that I've been involved with someone else for a little over a year now, and I have not received any personal visits from my ex at my home for about 10-1/2 months now. I hope it stays that way. Yeah, I do admit I get curious from time to time about what she's up to, but when it comes down to it I really don't care what path she's going down. I guess I've been beyond that for well over a year now. It's pretty much water under the bridge as they say. You will get to that point as well!

[WhatToDo47]

Definitely time, kindness, and support from this forum. On the days that I didn't feel like getting up, I forced myself to get out of the house to work on projects and go on hikes. For about 8 months, I made it a point to take a 2-3 mile hike at the local park out in the woods. It did wonders for my mind and helped me sleep better at night. I also religiously went to counseling once a week for roughly six months. Then I stepped down to twice per month and once per month. I suppose it's been about 10 months since I've gone to a session with the counselor. It probably wouldn't hurt to drop in and see her once every couple of months to check in, and that's something I'm considering to stay on track.

As far as things I wish I would have done a little differently, one thing comes to mind. Even though I removed my ex from social media and went no contact with her, I still checked her social media sometimes daily for several months. I believe that set me back in my recovery watching her parading her rebound man around. It certainly didn't do me any favors. I've casually heard from her several times in a few different ways (in person, online, and phone text message) over the last two years, but I've never given her the opportunity to make it more than it was. On several of those encounters, I got the distinct impression that she was trying to feel me out. My counselor thought so as well. That started roughly 5 months after the split. She knows that I've been involved with someone else for a little over a year now, and I have not received any personal visits from my ex at my home for about 10-1/2 months now. I hope it stays that way. Yeah, I do admit I get curious from time to time about what she's up to, but when it comes down to it I really don't care what path she's going down. I guess I've been beyond that for well over a year now. It's pretty much water under the bridge as they say. You will get to that point as well!

Thank you so much for this gem of a post! That is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. Much of it is similar to what I am doing/have done, and there is also a lot of actionable advice in there that I'm going to implement and I'm sure many others here will as well. The hikes especially resonated with me and I'm going to start hiking more again. It's something that I love and have been missing as my ex didn't want me to hike as it was time away from her.

I've also had my ex send out feelers many times, but I didn't and won't bite thanks to my knowledge from my therapist, this site, and so many others.

Sounds like you have a very clear head and are on a very good path towards a much better life!

2 more questions, if you don't mind:

1.) You mention that you're seeing someone new. How did you meet and how did you know you were ready to meet someone again?

2.) How did you decide when to go down in frequency of therapy? I'm at every other week now and would like to decrease to once a month because my therapist, while excellent and probably literally life saving, is expensive, but I don't want to stop too soon and risk all the progress I've made.

Thanks again for taking the time to come back here and help out so many who stand where you did before, and congrats on the amazing progress and on choosing a happy, healthy life!

[brighter future]

Thank you so much for this gem of a post! That is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. Much of it is similar to what I am doing/have done, and there is also a lot of actionable advice in there that I'm going to implement and I'm sure many others here will as well. The hikes especially resonated with me and I'm going to start hiking more again. It's something that I love and have been missing as my ex didn't want me to hike as it was time away from her.

I've also had my ex send out feelers many times, but I didn't and won't bite thanks to my knowledge from my therapist, this site, and so many others.

Sounds like you have a very clear head and are on a very good path towards a much better life!

2 more questions, if you don't mind:

1.) You mention that you're seeing someone new. How did you meet and how did you know you were ready to meet someone again?

2.) How did you decide when to go down in frequency of therapy? I'm at every other week now and would like to decrease to once a month because my therapist, while excellent and probably literally life saving, is expensive, but I don't want to stop too soon and risk all the progress I've made.

Thanks again for taking the time to come back here and help out so many who stand where you did before, and congrats on the amazing progress and on choosing a happy, healthy life!

Sorry it took me so long to write back to you. I've been fairly busy over the last few weeks and haven't stopped in the forum for any length of time. I hope you're doing well.

As for the new woman that I'm dating, we've been seeing each other for about 15 months now.  While I was in counseling, I mentioned to the counselor how difficult it is to meet people when you are in your 40's as opposed to when you're younger. She and her supervisor suggested that I try online dating and recommended a couple of reputable sites. I was kind of hesitant of that suggestion because I'd never tried that before. After pondering over the idea for a while, I decided to give it a try and signed up for the service online. From the time I signed up for the app to the time my ex and I split was a span of about 10 months. I feel like that gave me enough time to heal emotionally before looking for another relationship.  From the time I signed up on the dating app to the time I actually met the woman that I'm with now took about 5 months total. Prior to meeting her, I talked to between 6-8 other woman but only met one other woman in person. I went on two dates with the other woman and had a decent time, but I didn't feel like we were very compatible as far as what we were looking for in a relationship. I felt like she was looking for something serious initially while I was looking for friends first. Additionally, it seemed like she had a lot of family baggage as well, more than the normal amount. We lost touch about a month after we began talking. I met the woman that I'm with now about a month after all of that.

Back to the woman that I'm with now, our relationship works well. We care about each other deeply, respect one another, and have a lot of fun. Neither of us pressure the other for something more and just concentrate on having a good time, and we help each other out with household projects, etc. at our respective homes. Maybe our relationship will develop into more in the future.

As far as online dating goes, it has its positives and negatives like everything else. Probably the single most negative thing I can think of is it reminded me of an episode of the reality TV show the Bachelorette or the Bachelor. Behind the scenes in online dating, most people are probably talking to several more people in addition to you. I recall at least 2-3 instances where I was talking to women and thought things were going well. Well enough that I thought we could meet for a date and get to know each other on a more personal level. The next thing you know, you're abruptly dropped, and they will no longer respond to your messages even though the app stated that they read them. I learned not to take that stuff personally. Another negative is it appears that some people are on there just looking for hookups and or someone to take care of them emotionally and financially. Personally, I'm not into that any longer. I had my fill of that with my ex.  

As far as me stepping down in the frequency of my therapy, that was a mutual decision between my counselor and myself. It's hard to remember exactly, but I think I stepped down from weekly to every two weeks around the 6-9 month mark after starting therapy. She noted how much I had improved and stated that it would be fine if I'd like to step down.

[WhatToDo47]

Sorry it took me so long to write back to you. I've been fairly busy over the last few weeks and haven't stopped in the forum for any length of time. I hope you're doing well.

As for the new woman that I'm dating, we've been seeing each other for about 15 months now.  While I was in counseling, I mentioned to the counselor how difficult it is to meet people when you are in your 40's as opposed to when you're younger. She and her supervisor suggested that I try online dating and recommended a couple of reputable sites. I was kind of hesitant of that suggestion because I'd never tried that before. After pondering over the idea for a while, I decided to give it a try and signed up for the service online. From the time I signed up for the app to the time my ex and I split was a span of about 10 months. I feel like that gave me enough time to heal emotionally before looking for another relationship.  From the time I signed up on the dating app to the time I actually met the woman that I'm with now took about 5 months total. Prior to meeting her, I talked to between 6-8 other woman but only met one other woman in person. I went on two dates with the other woman and had a decent time, but I didn't feel like we were very compatible as far as what we were looking for in a relationship. I felt like she was looking for something serious initially while I was looking for friends first. Additionally, it seemed like she had a lot of family baggage as well, more than the normal amount. We lost touch about a month after we began talking. I met the woman that I'm with now about a month after all of that.

Back to the woman that I'm with now, our relationship works well. We care about each other deeply, respect one another, and have a lot of fun. Neither of us pressure the other for something more and just concentrate on having a good time, and we help each other out with household projects, etc. at our respective homes. Maybe our relationship will develop into more in the future.

As far as online dating goes, it has its positives and negatives like everything else. Probably the single most negative thing I can think of is it reminded me of an episode of the reality TV show the Bachelorette or the Bachelor. Behind the scenes in online dating, most people are probably talking to several more people in addition to you. I recall at least 2-3 instances where I was talking to women and thought things were going well. Well enough that I thought we could meet for a date and get to know each other on a more personal level. The next thing you know, you're abruptly dropped, and they will no longer respond to your messages even though the app stated that they read them. I learned not to take that stuff personally. Another negative is it appears that some people are on there just looking for hookups and or someone to take care of them emotionally and financially. Personally, I'm not into that any longer. I had my fill of that with my ex.  

As far as me stepping down in the frequency of my therapy, that was a mutual decision between my counselor and myself. It's hard to remember exactly, but I think I stepped down from weekly to every two weeks around the 6-9 month mark after starting therapy. She noted how much I had improved and stated that it would be fine if I'd like to step down.

Thanks so much for this reply! Glad to hear that you're doing so well, and everything you shared is extremely helpful, especially your insight on online dating and the timelines and specific examples.

Your story is super inspirational and your new relationship sounds very healthy and gives all of us hope. You and all of us deserve to be loved and treated right in a happy, healthy relationship!

Keep up the amazing healing and have a great night all! Praying for all!