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Author Topic: Is there any Chance?  (Read 491 times)
DKWTC

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 32


« on: October 19, 2021, 06:50:23 PM »

First of all, I must apologize for translation errors, I am German.

I do not really know where to start...

3 months ago, completely out of nowhere, my fiancée left me for someone else after 6 years of relationship, 1 day before our anniversary. She told me she wanted to visit her brother and met him there. Now she lives 400km away from me, has her own apartment.
We had every year her "escape" with come back together after 1-2 weeks.
We lived together for 6 years, spent 24/7 together without restrictions - and it was good, very good.
The separation she made by text message. After that came many reproaches from her, what I had done wrong. After she cheated on me with him, she was sure that I would have cheated on her. After that we only had contact because of picking up her things. She cancelled every appointment. I then initiated a NC. In the following 4 weeks she texted me twice that I should send her numbers for authorities. I did not answer.
After 4 weeks we then had 3 days of a text course, in which she made me many reproaches, then she said she wants to close with it to send me hours later again a huge text. I ended it with "I was always there for you in the relationship, but please realize that I am no longer, I have to go further". After that I got a few days later many anonymous calls in which no one said anything, when I asked them what this is about I was blocked - everywhere. In between, a fake account in Instagram also wrote me where I am, with whom I am and if I want to exchange hot photos. I know that she has done so photo exchange with others when we were together and she ran away. After that we had no more contact.

At the end of the year we were going to get married, have kids.

Then last week her grandmother called me, asked why I wouldn't give her her stuff. She had letters from her in the mailbox, in which it says, it is winter and I would not give her her things, she does not know what to do. I said that this is not true, she can always make an appointment, which then also did not happen. Her grandmother did not even know that she now lives in her neighboring town.

I know relatively much about her because I can see her search history. She hasn't searched for things like "get married Las Vegas", "buy a house", "how many times can I make him come" for over a month now. Instead, things like "how to act on a first date" come up in my feed. I don't know if they are still together, but if they are, it won't be for long, the guy is 5 years younger (she is 24) and the poster fu.boy.

I do not know what to do. The 6 years she has never worked, I have had more than enough money so we both would never have to work again. Now she is broke, lives in a terrible hole. But she is still happier than with me? Why does she block me everywhere? Ok, I know enough about BPD that I wouldn't know that. But shouldn't she still remember when she's miserable how good we were together?

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I think about going to her house with her stuff all the time so she can see that I'm not the bad person she projects into me.

During the months I forced myself to see other women, but it all sucked. Please help me.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2021, 06:56:43 PM by DKWTC » Logged
DKWTC

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 32


« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2021, 09:12:25 PM »

I was her first real relationship. I don't know much about the time before me, only that her grandparents supposedly locked her up (not the ones who called me). Today I'm sure that's not true, but they tried to get her under control and also sent her to therapy. From there i was the savior.
She is also relatively! reflected.
For example, she said that there were many nice moments, but somehow she can only remember the bad ones (and there were almost none of them).
The trigger for her disorder was probably that her mother shipped her off to her grandparents when she was ~10 years old. At the time she said her mother was the biggest whore, completely out of nowhere. However, as soon as we were together, she immediately wanted contact with her mother again and completely put her on a pedestal.

Also, it didn't actually get worse, but more stable. In the first year she left me 3-4x, then 1x a year and then 2 years ago the last time. But never was another guy available because her mom lived so out of town or the guys screwed her over.
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SinisterComplex
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2021, 01:21:09 AM »

First of all, I must apologize for translation errors, I am German.

I do not really know where to start...

3 months ago, completely out of nowhere, my fiancée left me for someone else after 6 years of relationship, 1 day before our anniversary. She told me she wanted to visit her brother and met him there. Now she lives 400km away from me, has her own apartment.
We had every year her "escape" with come back together after 1-2 weeks.
We lived together for 6 years, spent 24/7 together without restrictions - and it was good, very good.
The separation she made by text message. After that came many reproaches from her, what I had done wrong. After she cheated on me with him, she was sure that I would have cheated on her. After that we only had contact because of picking up her things. She cancelled every appointment. I then initiated a NC. In the following 4 weeks she texted me twice that I should send her numbers for authorities. I did not answer.
After 4 weeks we then had 3 days of a text course, in which she made me many reproaches, then she said she wants to close with it to send me hours later again a huge text. I ended it with "I was always there for you in the relationship, but please realize that I am no longer, I have to go further". After that I got a few days later many anonymous calls in which no one said anything, when I asked them what this is about I was blocked - everywhere. In between, a fake account in Instagram also wrote me where I am, with whom I am and if I want to exchange hot photos. I know that she has done so photo exchange with others when we were together and she ran away. After that we had no more contact.

At the end of the year we were going to get married, have kids.

Then last week her grandmother called me, asked why I wouldn't give her her stuff. She had letters from her in the mailbox, in which it says, it is winter and I would not give her her things, she does not know what to do. I said that this is not true, she can always make an appointment, which then also did not happen. Her grandmother did not even know that she now lives in her neighboring town.

I know relatively much about her because I can see her search history. She hasn't searched for things like "get married Las Vegas", "buy a house", "how many times can I make him come" for over a month now. Instead, things like "how to act on a first date" come up in my feed. I don't know if they are still together, but if they are, it won't be for long, the guy is 5 years younger (she is 24) and the poster fu.boy.

I do not know what to do. The 6 years she has never worked, I have had more than enough money so we both would never have to work again. Now she is broke, lives in a terrible hole. But she is still happier than with me? Why does she block me everywhere? Ok, I know enough about BPD that I wouldn't know that. But shouldn't she still remember when she's miserable how good we were together?

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I think about going to her house with her stuff all the time so she can see that I'm not the bad person she projects into me.

During the months I forced myself to see other women, but it all sucked. Please help me.

First, Welcome.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post). You picked a great resource and a phenomenal family to be a part of. So, I'll reply again to this more in depth when I have more time, but I need to say this right away...you need to quit worrying about what she thinks of you. Live your TRUTH. Have faith and confidence in yourself. She isn't happier without you. Stop that. That is fantasyland BS Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post).

You need to get it through to yourself that you determine your value and self-worth and absolutely no one else. Period! F Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) the guy she is with and F  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) her to. You need to see the big picture here...it is addition by subtraction. And hey the reason why seeing other women sucked...you are hung up on the ex and you haven't worked on your own issues. Remember you cannot find happiness in someone else. You have to be happy with YOU first. Work on that.

I'll check back in again, but please continue to post and vent. Get all the crap off your chest and release it. Time for you to start marching towards creating a better and stronger version of YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Erfanovich

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: single
Posts: 27


« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2021, 03:04:20 AM »

Hey DKWTC,

Really hurtfull to read what you are going trough. Its similar to the most of us I think.

First of all, and most important: stop thinking about her being happy and the thought you are the bad guy. Because you aren't, its what she made you think you are. Stop searching and digging in her feed, social media and other. thinking about the new guy, he gets the same treatment you got and put energy in your own recovery.  It's hard but you deserve it!

There is no need to show her that you are not a bad guy. It doesn't matter at all, you know you aren't the bad or evil person.Thats what matters! Get to work on the issues why you think you are a bad guy, why you think you did wrong or destroyed the relation. These thoughts are destructive. Go to friends you trust and speak about you, how they see you. I promise you will hear suprisingly positive things and enjoy these things, they see you like you really are. They don't see the terrible man who she made you think you are.  Seek help of a professional and try to discover which issues made it possible that your boundaries are crossed and you did not see that or let it happen. Why you ignored red flags during your relation, why you did not listen to you guts. It sounds hard, but after a while you see it. The pattern, the dynamics of the relation and the behaviour. The reason I tell you to work on your own issues is important because you were a part of it in the relation. No. you weren't the reason it did not work, absolutely not! She was and now the other guy is in the same sh*tstorm you were.

Believe in your own good heart, your own truth. Listen to your feelings and accept your own faults. Everybody makes mistakes, and thats ok. But don't hurt yourself like this, don't be to hard on yourself. Embrace the pain and learn to deal with it, it will dissapear in time. Give it time, and do not think women are the solution now. It isn't and it will not work untill you are able to deal with your feelings and love yourself again. Again, give it time.

Its no shame that you loved your ex, or still do. In my opinion they can be the nicest, lovable persons but the truth is, they can be evil and mess you up totally. I did not know such people like my ex did excist but I learned the hard way like you do now. Been in your sitation, thought I was the badest lover/partner in the world, broken and totally messed up and destroyed the relation and lost the love of my life. But after a while, working on my issues ( with help), the puzzle pieces fell to place and i realized I lived a fairy tail with a princes which was a real wolf in sheepskin. Our relation, altough started as a unbelievable love story, was a mirage from the beginning. I discovered that 80% she told me was not true. Her life, her exes, everything.

Stop thinking about you being the worst guy. You aren't!

Best wishes and good luck!

Erfanovich


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DKWTC

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 32


« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2021, 10:37:41 AM »

I don't blame myself for it, on the contrary. But I don't hold her responsible either. Everything she threw at me was actually not very bad and bullPLEASE READ.

"You haven't told me often enough that I'm pretty".
"I was afraid you might turn out like your father."
"I never felt like I was the only one for you."
"we were together too much"

The rest was devaluation like:

"I should have ended it the first time."
"the marriage proposal sucked"
"there was no more love"
And some more.

She is not a particularly hard case. Also, the relationship with her was not bad, no violence, no quarrels and everything was really always good. Except when she just ran away the 1-2 weeks a year. I always thought that it was because of the mother who manipulates her.
She also wanted 2 years ago to a psychologist, but I stupid idiot haves her "talked out", because I thought it's really only the mother.

When we stood in front of each other, personally, there was never any bad blood. But when we wrote, it was like walking on eggshells. I had a relationship with a borderliner 12 years ago and by God, I don't mourn this person for a second. That was extreme back then.
But this was different, chastened. And I really think you could make it work, somehow.
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DKWTC

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 32


« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2021, 08:28:39 PM »

I just see I posted in the wrong section.
Can you move it to " Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup " ?

----------

At the moment I see 3 possibilities:

1. either I do nothing at all and wait for something to come from her. The risk is, of course, that she paints me completely black here. And nothing more comes here at all. Her new relationship will not last long, I am sure. But the risk is that she then jumps directly to the next one, because they definitely already had a lot of quarrels and nothing came from her.

2. I use the pretext and drive her things to her. That seems to be the best option at the moment? Only how then behave? Play that one is happy? Talk about it?

3. i write her from my 2nd number, what is with her things and that she can contact me if she wants.


Number 3 would have the problem that I bypass the blocking. Option 2 would give me the opportunity to show her how I've improved since then (I'm doing intense sports again and I bought a new Porsche). Also, it would probably show that I am still "there" for her. However, it would also make the whole thing completely closed when her things are gone.



----
I must add that she blocked me with her fake account when I posted a picture with 2 wine glasses.
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Ad Meliora
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 331



« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2021, 11:38:35 PM »

Hi DKWTC,

If you want to be on the reversing a break-up discussion group, the easiest way would be to cut and paste what you want from here and start a new thread.  I didn't find anything that could help you in the "tools" section.  Send a message to the moderators and they can possibly delete any duplicates or help you with that.

Here's the link to the other message board.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

If it is any consolation, many of the same people look at both boards.  You can also copy a link in that new thread to this one you started.  Your story is coming through fine in translation.  Good luck with your journey.
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