So. Nine weeks post discard,...
This morning, I finally blocked him on social media. We weren't connected on any forum -- not friends on facebook -- but I hadn't blocked him until now.
First off, congratulations. This seems like it was one of the last tethers you had connecting him to you. I'm sure it wasn't easy. You have 30 years experience with this person, so everything is amplified in this context. None of it is silly, your feelings and concerns about your personal safety, unless you see it as such.
I know you're still thinking of him, his feelings, how he would react, etc... But I only think of your ex as the guy who discarded you with a cryptic text while you were in the hospital parking lot waiting for your mom to come out of heart surgery. The guy who dumped you when you had cancer. The guy who moved in with another woman on the first date and again, you know the story, dumped you. Dumped you after he had recently told you how he loved you. How he wanted to be with you, yeah, that guy.
So I'm trying to imagine this guy even thinking about
your feelings, how
you might react, what concerns might be going on in
your mind. I find it very hard to imagine. What I can imagine is my BPDex doing similar things to what you've explained. Thank goodness that didn't happen, but the feelings inside are the same. 14 months, 3 weeks of No Contact. She told me she loved me, she told me she needed me. Discarded, and not a single word to bring me back in that time.
There is nothing inside of her that can generate true compassion or true empathy for anyone outside of her, and there likely never will be.