When I'm frustrated, it helps to just spew thoughts into notes on my computer. I went NC November 2020 (I learned about BPD after going NC), and I hadn't planned to - the blow up just finally happened. After reflecting for months, I realized that I had doubtful thoughts before NC, and was starting to pull away from my uBPD mother. I am starting to realize that I've had those thoughts for long time.
Today I was looking through my files, and I found one of my notes from January 2020. It's surprising how spot on it was. I'm happy to say I have found the ability to say no and create a peaceful life
Here's what I wrote:
"I can't make everyone happy. I can't say no. Am I selfish? Is it wrong for me to do what I want? At what point can I chose myself over others.
I don't want you to hate her. I can't explain it well. I love her, she gave me everything I have in life.
But, I'm scared of her.
I don't know what will make her angry. I don't know how to keep her calm anymore. I'm terrified of being dependent on her. I don't think she means to, but she keeps trying to make me more dependent on her.
I don't want to lose my family.
I can't say no to her. If I do she will be angry. If she's angry she could change her mind on my car. She could threaten to kill herself. She depends too much on me, if I hurt her she won't forget it. But anything I do she is offended by. She wants to be offended or angry when she isn't put first. She thinks since she has been and goes through so much she deserves everything from me.
She had the choice to stop. She didn't have to buy the condo. She didn't have to go on cruises. She says money isn't a problem anymore. It could be her business, it depends on her.
Maybe this is just in my head. Maybe she won't get mad if I say no. I can't believe that though. I have to believe it's my fault.
I can't believe she won't get mad, I know she will. I know it's not my job to keep her calm. I just can't help but feel that I have to do everything she asks, no matter how inconvenient or ridiculous. The thought of ever saying this to her is terrifying on its own.
I just have to believe that one day I'll have control over my life. One day I won't ever have to depend on anyone. I can live in peace and quiet. No more yelling, no more stepping on eggshells. I don't believe that day will come, but I'll keep pretending and looking forward to it."
