Emotional rollercoaster. Will they come back ?

[Dancinglondoner]

Hi all. Been a reader  here for a year or so.
I met my ex in 2017 , whom I didn’t know had BPD. I didn’t know what hit me.
We were friends for 2 years and then in a relationship for a year.
I used my savings to help this woman, spent hundreds of  hours driving all over the UK to see her as she was about 100miles from me. All whilst running a business and  co parenting my son (from a previous relationship).

She was such a lovely person during that time. I can see what people mean when they say love bombing. And being a favourite person.
Then We had a misunderstanding a few months ago, she then met some bloke off a dating app in that time whom she’s now made her new favourite person, although she hardly knows him.
I tried to mend the misunderstanding yet she says she’s happy and doesn’t want contact. Threatened police involvement out of the blue if I saw her in person again.
So I had to admit defeat.
I just don’t understand how someone can delete years of such deep friendship and a relationship. The kind where you text eachother all day every day.
She even talked about marrying me.

I suppose I want to know if she’ll ever come back? Do I write her a letter and just say I’m here for her if and when she’s ready or does that make them pull away more ?

I don’t know why I want her back given she’s been so awful in the past week.
Love is weird.
Thanks to anyone that replies / or read this. I’m just in so much pain right now and I don’t know what to do.

[Cromwell]

Welcome and to a guy who has been lurking for a year here i admire the courage to post and share.

If you want the short blunt answer {some will say tactless) i. Don't see it this way in context

Stick to what you've learned so far and see this moment as a weakness of the past you've moved on from, in practice.

Walk the walk

These specimens are incorrigible

It's your choice to waste 'more' of. Your life and finances or accept the learning expirence and being the losses to an immediate stop {you have the power to do so} damage limitate

Its. A. Dead end street, you've been there alresdy. Well trodden. Forget about her asap.

[Dancinglondoner]

Thanks. I’m trying. I just wondered as I’d heard people mention recycling etc. It’s all so complicated

[Newdawnnewday]

Hi Dancinglondoner

So sorry to read you're in so much pain. There's nothing surprising about that, given that you were led to believe you had a very deep connection with a person for such a long time, only to have that connection abruptly suspended - and even, suddenly, the long time friend and lover becoming an enemy. This would shatter anyone's heart, I understand just how very painful it must be.

On this part of the forum, we discuss detaching from these relationships, so you will probably not get the best advice as to what to do if you want to recycle the relationship.

If you want to try and reverse the break-up, this is where you should head :
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

No one other than you can know what is best for you. We don't know. Some of us have tried multiple times, some of us have learnt the hard way that it was best to detach early and cut our losses, etc. Some have had several relationships with people with personality disorders... some have only had one but for many years... we all come from different horizons and are all learning the lessons we need to learn, each in our own way.

So, depending on where you want to go next, you get to choose. You can also choose to keep your options open ! And stay on both sections of the forum to see what you want to do next !

Sometimes, it takes several tries before we successfully cut our exes w/ BPD out of our lives.

In any case, it is a very, very painful thing to have happen to anyone, and I'm really glad you have found us in those circumstances : you are not alone. You can come here to vent and express whatever you feel, you'll always find a sympathetic ear from SOMEONE WHO KNOWS just how painful these relationships can be.

Please don't hesitate to let us know more, and in the meantime, take excellent care of yourself. What could  you do NOW to make your pain a little less ? Even if only, 1% less ? Get yourself a nice cup of tea ? A great show, even if just for 20 minutes ? To get your mind off of things ?

Hope this helps even just a little...

I know that it's not much of a consolation, but I hope you know you're not alone : we know the depths of that kind of despair. We understand.

[Newdawnnewday]

Love is of all the passions the strongest, because it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.

Lao Tseu

So, it makes sense to be kind to ourselves as we struggle to make sense of that attack and how to best deal with its aftermath !

[Cromwell]

Thanks. I’m trying. I just wondered as I’d heard people mention recycling etc. It’s all so complicated

as much as we allow it to be?

lets not get side tracked, into the "what does recycle mean"

its been a year, youve been apart? whats happened lately to make you join and post?

if it helps ive been here nearly half a decade and been through the mill, got my life back and seen dozens of others do the same.

has he/she has contacted you and you dont know what to do?

[Dancinglondoner]

Thank you Newdawnnewday. You have no idea how nice it was to just read that. I’m trying to keep busy. It’s just so hard.
So I can post the same thread to both threads then ?

[Dancinglondoner]

Cromwell, no we were friends for two years, in a relationship for one year. We’ve only just broken up. So I joined and posted now.
I’ve been reading the forum for the past year as she told me she had BPD and I wanted to know how to help when she got bouts of really low self esteem.

[Newdawnnewday]

So I can post the same thread to both threads then ?

Yes ! You did right.

What you have been through is a lot to process, and it's only natural not to know where you stand in the beginning.

You need time : not just "chronological" time, and also, "psychological" time (time away from the situation to process what happened, and see where that fits with what you want to do with yourself next).

In general, No contact (zero contact with the ex partner and blocking all avenues of contact) is advised for people who want to end their relationships w/ pwBPD, because it allows them to have the space and clarity to decide things for themselves without the interference of the emotional roller-coaster of the relationship. That's how you get the best "psychological time" to process things, regain your sense of self, and make decisions that suit you best.

Whatever you decide to do, don't forget to take good care of yourself !  And welcome again

[Cromwell]

If you were to go back, would you be more protective over the savings rebuilt in the interlude?

the analogy that sticks in my mind and has helped me on many a weak minded occassion is that of the gambler in the arcade machines. furiously keeps putting more coins in and keeps losing, eventually gives up when everything is gone. then some other random guy goes and puts 10p in and wins everything in that moment. At least, for that moment.

is it okay to slightly alter the "will they come back" to "can you afford to have her back?"

[Dancinglondoner]

Interesting analogy. Yeah the guy she’s favouring at the moment doesn’t have much money so she won’t be able to take too much from him.
It just so happened when we met I had a lot of savings. That are no more as I spent them helping her get housing when she was in the midst of depression and lost her job.
She knows I don’t have that kind of money now, and says it’s not a problem and that’s not why we broke up. I believe that given the new bloke doesn’t have much.

[Cromwell]

I believe you may have been knocked a bit sidewards. The guy is just an extra to the play, for many though it adds to the existing complexity, depending how far choose to focus on it/them/a specific interest in their ongoing relationship.

Has the breakup made you depressed or were you already before you met. Just keep your hand on top of the wallet pocket and give yourself some distance to get over the recent upsets. It's amazing often what a month apart can do.

How have you been doing today. Best,

[Dancinglondoner]

Yes I always got the idea she likes game playing. When she first blocked me and then unblocked me I sent her a message saying  something along the lines of “odd, messages weren’t going through yesterday “ and instead of saying yes I blocked you, she said “isn’t that odd … ”

No, ironically I’ve been the best I’ve ever been this past year as I’ve lost a lot of weight and fixed some family relationships which for me was a big thing to achieve. Only got hit with depression when she cut contact.

I’m not too bad today, just trying to keep busy. Hope you’re well

[Cromwell]

So that is huge accomplishment. Was the extra weight a result of anxiety or low mood craving. It sounds like you worked yourself into a far healthier place, im just concerned of it getting uprooted.

Im fine im enjoying life a lot. I've also at the moment got a lot of things going on, perhaps the two are associated.

I ended up with a shoulder injury Bevause sports became the distraction and outlet. I was told to stop and completely rest. It took my habit away that worked, so i found other things to do and they worked now im healed and back to sports. The point is find the things that produce happiness and are positive.

In response to the 'isn't that odd' remark. It's the further evidence of a lack of emotional intimacy.

She might come back if she does try only you can decide. I didn't want another round to see if things magically changed im too cynical for it.. I think any human beyond age of 20 is very fixed, personality, habits so on. When relationships end up that crazy it's best to cut them loose and find a better match.

It felt a very immature related dyad. High school stuff but started to show signs of it stagnated in her. And so long as i enable it by staying i felt just as similar, not a good feeling for a man in this culture to have, is it?

It does boil down ultimately to those who wish to become men or stay stuck as boys. The reason is, the gameplay is carried from childhood and what happens is you get eventually the role of the past persecutor. The devaluation is then legitimised.

So without elaborating on and in great depth my practical point is, things may be ok for awhile but there's nothing you can do or reason or argue against a devaluation when it happens. And as the hallmark of bpd, that risk is what you sign up to. In those moments you are loathed and love is non existent, unless you carry it and the consequences yourself each time. All depends what you want, if it's the chance of emotionally responsible relationship that could built what most guys want, joy of family, property, friends so on. Forget it, it's cruel Bevause you can even get all that and as soon as you do a dynamite stick gets thrown in. Almost literally. You've probably read some other members as i have done and i didn't want to let it get that far. Youll make your savings back and then some, if your healthy enough.

Thanks for the well wishes same to you

[once removed]

the important thing to know is that this a breakup board for those committed to breaking up (even if doing so wasnt their first choice) and deep into the stages of grief.

if you are entertaining or open to the idea of getting back together, even 5% of you, i would encourage you to explore your options on the Bettering/Reversing a breakup board. if your ex came back tomorrow, a plan would be pretty vital.

i can also understand why you may not do that or want to do that. and the advice id give you here, or there, is that there really isnt any competing with a new relationship. its something you really need to give a wide berth and let stand or fall on its own.

I just don’t understand how someone can delete years of such deep friendship and a relationship. The kind where you text eachother all day every day.
She even talked about marrying me.

I suppose I want to know if she’ll ever come back?

this really speaks for itself.

its really something to go through a close bond that blows up. its another when that person jumps in another relationship and doesnt appear to look back. it happened to me as well. i think its natural to wonder if your ex will look back, or more. i did.

unfortunately there isnt a simple answer. in my own case, i gave it about six months at which point i took a different path. my exs new relationship ended up lasting around 4 years, so in retrospect, my choice was a prudent one 

your exs relationship could blow up tomorrow and she could come back, or the opposite could happen. theres really no telling.

i think at this point whats really important is exploring what about the relationship (yours) was broken. can it be fixed, and if so, what would it take?

because if something was really fundamentally broken, and cant be fixed, eventually, this will sink in for you alongside acceptance, and its important to focus on, whichever way you want to go presently.

but if the relationship blew up and she came back tomorrow, it probably wouldnt be the strongest foundation to try to rebuild your relationship on, ya know?

so you ultimately want to know what, if anything, could be saved, and not just saved, but rebuilt in a completely different way, and whether that feels feasible to you.

at the same time, its a brutal way to be broken up with. its a natural thing i think, in the process, to feel that if she came back, it would erase the hurt of what she did and redeem the connection the two of you had. in practice, it would probably be a great deal more complicated.

what do you think?

[Dancinglondoner]

Once Removed
Thanks. Yes I’ve posted on that side of the forum, I didn’t know it was there until I was pointed that way earlier.
I suppose it depends, I feel like our communication about important things  was very off and if that was fixed it could work.  
Problem is people with BPD communicate like 5 year olds sadly