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Author Topic: Serious health concern with my young adult child and it's still about her  (Read 411 times)
madeline7
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« on: October 24, 2021, 02:27:28 PM »

I know it's no surprise, totally expected but still I am feeling so upset about my elderly uBPDm not being able to think about anyone else but herself. Recently my healthy young adult son had symptoms which led him to a Dr. and it appears he may have a serious congenital disorder that may require surgery and a lifetime of monitoring the disease. I have only told immediate family and a few close friends. I toyed with the idea of not telling my Mom, but knew that when she saw me, she would know something is up. She is still mentally sharp, and I also did not want to have calls and visits be only about her incessant ramblings about herself and all her complaints. So when she asked me what was wrong, I carefully said I have some news that is somewhat serious. See how I am already walking on eggshells here. She immediate got upset, started hyperventilating and told me she doesn't want to hear anything negative. So I agreed not to tell her. She then changed the subject, and only wanted to talk about herself. So fast forward to her continuing to ask me how things are, and to only tell her good things, I reminded her that not everything is good. She then explained that she was old and couldn't handle anything (when she was young she couldn't handle anything either), so I should just lie in a clever fashion to protect her feelings. I was assertive but told her my priority was dealing with the situation at hand and not protecting her feelings. And that "this" was not about her but about a family member (AND she still doesn't know who or what). In the end, she was rambling on about how things are hard for her and hung up on me. I am struggling with letting go, since she is old, in her 90's and this would be a hard time to go NC. But I don't know how to pretend to have a relationship with her when my son needs me, and I need to make him my priority. And I need to be done with this to also take care of myself, so I can finally be free of this and focus on what and who is important.
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Methuen
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« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2021, 02:57:58 PM »

Excerpt
She then explained that she was old and couldn't handle anything (when she was young she couldn't handle anything either), so I should just lie in a clever fashion to protect her feelings.
My blood pressure shot up when I read this.  I felt a strong physical reaction myself, just reading it.

I am saddened to hear what you are dealing with on multiple levels.

Excerpt
I was assertive but told her my priority was dealing with the situation at hand and not protecting her feelings. And that "this" was not about her but about a family member (AND she still doesn't know who or what). In the end, she was rambling on about how things are hard for her and hung up on me. I am struggling with letting go, since she is old, in her 90's and this would be a hard time to go NC. But I don't know how to pretend to have a relationship with her when my son needs me, and I need to make him my priority. And I need to be done with this to also take care of myself, so I can finally be free of this and focus on what and who is important.
This says it all Madeleine.  You already know what you need to do.  Just do it.  You son is your priority.  You need to look after yourself, to be fully present for him.  Just do it.

“Mom:  I cannot lie.  That is not who I am.  I can respect your need not to hear difficult news.  I get that.  But I am needed elsewhere now for a while and may not be available like I have been.  Please respect my needs to respond to this other  situation, which will take up much of my time.  I will be in touch when I am available.”

Excerpt
I was assertive but told her my priority was dealing with the situation at hand and not protecting her feelings. And that "this" was not about her but about a family member
Great response. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Let her sit with it.  Do what YOU need to do.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2021, 03:05:45 PM by Methuen » Logged
Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2021, 04:34:36 PM »

Oh Madeline- I hope your son does OK and please know you can focus on him, and not your mother's questions.

She immediate got upset, started hyperventilating and told me she doesn't want to hear anything negative. So I agreed not to tell her. She then changed the subject, and only wanted to talk about herself. So fast forward to her continuing to ask me how things are, and to only tell her good things,


My mother too. When my father was ill- she was all about her. Now at her age, some of her friends have had medical issues. She says she doesn't want to hear about it, she only wants to hear positive things. I don't hear any empathy for her friends.

At this point, I think your business and your son's business does not have to be shared with her. I think you can see she's not capable of empathy. Take care of you so you can be there for him. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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madeline7
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« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2021, 04:03:09 PM »

yep, I know what to do but still...
Even a stranger would show more empathy if they knew the situation. I no longer have hope, just another example of what I am missing.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2021, 05:03:28 PM »

It's shocking to see this - I understand the loss of hope and also the grief at knowing others have an empathetic mother. I hope you can focus on you and your son. Hugs
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Couper
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« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2021, 02:55:05 PM »

I no longer have hope, just another example of what I am missing.


My situation isn't parent / child, but I'm in the same boat and my kids will be in your position someday.  It pains me to know the circumstances I have brought them into.

Right before we got married, an employee (and good friend) of mine passed away from heart failure without warning just minutes after he left work.  I was the last person to see him that day.  We weren't living together yet, but the lack of empathy from my uBPDw was apparent, though I had no idea what I was walking into.  Weeks after we got married, another very good friend (that was at the wedding even) passed away and needless to say, I was in a funk about it.  After a whole entire day she wigged out on me and said, "I can't deal with you when you're quiet like this.  Are you going to do like when B died and go into your cave?  I need you here for me." and she had nothing of her own like that going on in her life.  It was all about her and I was aghast.  I told her I just needed some space for a few days to process it and I'll be fine.  I wasn't weighing on her about any of it, I just needed some quiet to think.  Then she strong-armed me into going to a family party the next day that I told her I didn't want to go to because I wasn't up to it.  She said I could be alone there but she didn't want to go by herself because she'd be embarrassed, then she regretted my going since I wasn't exactly the life of the party and for years afterwards all I heard was how I ruined her day.

I didn't need her to take care of me or offer any sympathy, but I sure didn't need her adding to the burden either.

About a year later our downstairs neighbor we liked at our apartment was taken unexpectedly in a work accident.  He was a drunk with no license so he rode a bicycle everywhere.  She was tearful and mourned him for all of about two minutes before they turned into tears of, "What if our new neighbor drives and we lose our extra parking space?".  I could go on, but you get the point.  

Easier said than done, but do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself and don't let her rob from you any energy that would be better expended helping your son.  All my best to you and him on finding the best possible outcome for his treatment.          
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zachira
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« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2021, 10:39:51 AM »

Madeline7,
We hear you and feel sad about how exhausting and heartbreaking it is for you to deal with your mother who only cares about her feelings and no-one else's. Your heart is in the right place wanting to put your son's health first. Being involved in your mother's care and interacting with her right now is probably over the top for you in terms of the mental and physical stamina you have to deal with your mother right now because you want to dedicate your time and energy to helping your son.

In my mother's last years, I just could not deal with the fact that she had no regard for my feelings, limited my contact with her, and shared no personal information with her. Now that she is gone, I feel sad about treating her this way and do not regret it, as I had reached my limit of being invisible to her. There is no right or wrong way to do this. I would so much have liked to help her ways that did not involve conversation, and my siblings ended this type of contact when I was pretty much banned from her house, as they wanted control over her, particularly her estate.

It is a life long sorrow to be invisible to our own mother. It is normal to long for being seen by her no matter how old we are and no matter how aware we are that our mother is incapable of empathy and putting the needs of another above her own.
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madeline7
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« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2021, 05:33:21 PM »

No matter how old I am, I am still expected to take care of her, physically and emotionally. But I have now reached my senior years myself, and the worst possible scenario is a health concern for my young adult son. Today I keep reminding myself that all the times she left me out of family gatherings, stopped talking to me, cut me out of the will, it was fine because that is what she wanted. Well now she wants me to be the devoted daughter, but I can no longer be there for her when she dictates it. But it's still hard.
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Methuen
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« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2021, 05:54:06 PM »

yep, I know what to do but still...
Even a stranger would show more empathy if they knew the situation. I no longer have hope, just another example of what I am missing.

Yes.  Let the grief come out.  I let out a good dose two nights ago.  I was in an outbuilding since my mom was inside with H.  That was after 3 nights without sleep. Today is a better day.  A good nights sleep helped a lot too. People are helping me.

How is your son coping with this news about this congenital health problem?

How are you doing today?  Do you have local support?
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madeline7
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« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2021, 10:10:37 AM »

I am going to join my son at a second opinion appt this week, so hopefully getting more info will help and being there to support him will be a good thing, for both of us. I am sharing my concerns with just a select few friends, those who will be there for me. I learned the hard way that sharing too much is not always a good thing, that was in the early days when I told all my friends about my Mom, and most people just didn't get it. So trying to find the silver lining here. I have a smaller but more empathetic group of friends. And I have pulled back tremendously with my Mom, and focusing on my son, myself, and those that care for me.
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zachira
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« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2021, 10:58:26 AM »

During COVID and now that your son is ill, you have had to pull back from being with your mother. Although it is tragic to have your son with serious health problems, you now have a reason to pull back from her care, that could be more permanent and easier to navigate.
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