Still learning how to navigate my partner's BPD symptoms

[calavera24]

First off, hello! I'm glad to have found a safe space to discuss my concerns as a partner of someone who has BPD.

My partner and I have been together for about three years, and over time she has discovered that she has BPD. For some background, she is on two medications, one for depression and the other a mood stabilizer. She has been on this treatment plan for about 10 years and understandably, the meds don't work the same as they used to.

While we've been trying to navigate new treatment options for my partner, she's had several breakdowns and tends to lash out in anger during them. As of late, I don't feel I have space for my emotions in the relationship, and that our entire relationship revolves around managing her mental health.

What are some healthy ways to discuss my concerns? Thanks in advance!

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[once removed]

when someone is experiencing crisis, they have a great deal of difficulty making room for someone elses needs.

i dont mean to be bleak or anything. i just mean youre going through a rough time, for an unforeseeable amount of time (hopefully not forever). as the rock in the relationship, a lot of the fallout is going to fall on you. a strong support system will go a long way. recognizing when that anger has gone too far, and what to do about it, will as well.

what have you tried so far when she lashes out in anger? what do the breakdowns revolve around?

[calavera24]

Thanks for the input!

The breakdowns usually revolve around triggers, i.e. family stress, financial, or generally feeling overwhelmed. My response is usually to gently ask what I can do for comfort and ask if she needs anything. If she lashes out in anger, I shut down sometimes, but I try to do everything possible to not escalate the situation. She becomes unreasonable, picks unnecessary fights, expresses intense feelings of hopelessness, and sometimes talks of wanting to self harm.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, and yelling and rage are triggers for me, so it is tricky.

[thankful person]

Hi Calavera and welcome,
You are in the right place, the people here are so supportive and knowledgeable. I have been with my wife seven years and we have two small children. I only found this site about six months ago but it has made a tremendous amount of difference. People here speak of us non bpd having to be the “emotional leader” in the relationship. It is scary because it means coming to terms with the fact that your partner may not be able to support you as a regular person would. But if you can try to accept that, follow the advice… we non bpd can make a big difference to the relationship all on our own. My wife is not ready to accept that she/we need therapy. She did dbt for a while years ago but believes she is cured. She does not recognise her treatment of me and behaviour to be bpd related. I am working on slowly taking some of the power back, where she has become so controlling that I practically feel I have to ask her permission to go to the toilet! I am challenging her little by little, preparing myself to react as calmly as possible. She is responding well. I am also generally better prepared for the random angry outbursts and getting blamed for things. What has helped tremendously is learning that much of her behaviour is not about me at all, even of she’s saying that I’m ruining her life or whatever… she is actually experiencing feelings about other things either past or present, and while it’s very real to her at the time, I find that if I can possibly not argue (but not agree..) that also really helps. It’s called validation. Read as much as you can here. I’m still muddling through myself but the website has been such a positive find and may save my marriage. All the best.

[Cat Familiar]

I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, and yelling and rage are triggers for me, so it is tricky.

Me too.

The upside of learning different ways of responding to yelling and rage is that they no longer are triggers for me. Yes, they’re certainly unpleasant, and I’d prefer not to experience them, but I now consider them “verbal farts” and can distance myself accordingly.

Oddly enough I was initially reluctant to emotionally distance myself from my husband when he behaved in unpleasant ways. My first reaction was to think that somehow I could reason with him and try to find a meeting of the minds. Despite that strategy not working, I tried over and over doing the same thing.

At first I felt sadness thinking that I had to grow a thicker skin and be less emotionally available. The irony was that the more I tried to connect with him when he was unpleasant, the worse things got. When I began to distance myself and take back my pride, he began to respect me more and things got better.