Hey lafleur, glad you reached out.
Your post reminded me of when I was 19 and in an IOP (eating disorder). I'd already done a stint in a PHP at 16 and then had done outpatient therapy at the same clinic that whole time. By 19 I was pretty stable, successful in college though living at home, had a part time job I really loved. My parents wanted me to do the IOP and due to our relationship I believed I had to. Likely I wasn't as stable as I thought, though it also wasn't to the level of self harm etc.
Anyway, either at the end of the first day or the first week, I remember calling my mom from my grandparents' house (where I was staying, as the IOP was out of town), and being SOO angry. "All we do is
crafts -- this is POINTLESS and I quit my job for THIS?" I hated it there, I missed my job, and it felt so meaningless and petty -- sitting around making collages 3 days a week. And, they'd promised me it was the kind of program where I could keep my job. I felt let down, betrayed, and furious.
I remember my mom just listening, and not trying to convince me of anything. I think I remember being surprised by that -- that she wasn't going to argue with me about why I needed to be there.
Looking back, I think I needed that space to vent all that anger and loss and, to my mom's credit, she gave me that (she was not always successful with being empathetic and available in the past).
She expressed to me she doesn't want to be there and just wants to go home.
lafleur, I wonder if next time you guys have a call, if you can tap into whatever emotion is behind your D's words. Loneliness? Frustration? Adjusting to a new place? Maybe she has some feelings that need room... I bet you would love to provide that to her.
I explained this is the on the right path to returning home and a place where she can continue to use the tools she has for coping. But it was a no win conversation and she hung up mad at me.
With "normal" people, we can explain why something "has to be", and that helps. With emotionally sensitive people, it can come across as hurtful and invalidating, regardless of what we intended. While it's true that being there will help her return home and it's true she can practice her tools there, I'm wondering if she hung up angry because she felt unheard and unempathized with? It'd be interesting when you guys talk again, if she is able to deescalate and self soothe (i.e. not hang up mad) if she experiences you listening to her openly, without taking the "explanation" route. She may do better with less explanation.
And also, don't lose sight of the fact that she reached out to you -- she wanted you in her life at that moment. Really important.
Hope this is a helpful perspective...
kells76
