I'm scared of disagreeing with my best friend

[Thebiunicornisal]

Hello, I just joined this forum today, I started looking for help online because I am very lost. My best friend displays traits of BPD. I didn't really know what it was before she confessed to me a few months ago that she was suspecting she had BPD. I started doing research on it and was happy to find answers about some of her behaviors that I found for lack of a better word "odd", or things that I couldn't relate to at all when it came to dealing with her relationships. I was also happy about her going on a road that could help her dealing with her emotions and relationships tho recently we haven't talked much about this so I'm not sure if she's still looking into it.
My issue is that I've noticed how "silenced" I've become in the relationship. Due to some of her intense reactions to some criticism or mistakes I committed, I became scared of her reactions because they affect me very very badly. I justified the intensity on the fact that I made the mistake, so I deserve to get punished for it. Of course I should be held accountable, but I no longer feel human when I get treated like that. It gets abusive and scars me. I never want to be treated like that so I always try to be careful around her. That had lead me to not express my opinions, unless it's something that's not personal. Her constant fights with her SO don't help with this because she is often is a state of distress. I want to help and communicate with her in authenticitacially and speak my mind but I don't know how. I don't want to make it seem like I'm dismissing her pain by disagreeing with the way she rationalizes things. I am lost on how to deal with all of this, be honest with her and not lose myself, and keep her feeling cared for and appreciated. I would appreciate any comments.

[juner]

First, I'd like to say that you have a right to make a mistake, have your voice heard, and to feel safe. From the literature I've read (sorry not sourced here), someone with the disorder sees you as a stand-in for their critical parent and you are either cherished or hated, depending on what they're feeling. And it's way more important for them to get their voice heard, so that it drowns out your own needs. I hope you don't downplay your needs just because hers may seem much greater. Your feelings count.

In my long-ago friendship with someone who had a lot of traits, it felt like she was fighting ghosts from her past. During episodes, she would sometimes get a far-away look in her eyes, like she was haunted (probably dissociation?). Whatever "mistake" I did, did not seem to warrant such a strong reaction, in my view. It really hurt. You may be setting her off, because of one small thing not even related to the present-moment, and it's causing her to flash back to a push-pull dynamic with a parental figure or ghost from the past, and you just happen to be there and she needs to regain control in a heavy-handed, immediate way. So, any little thing you say or do will get magnified when she goes to that place.

Could I be honest with her? I could not. I believe there was too much going on in her head. Therefore, she could not hear my words as anything but a threat to the approach she took, I think mostly subconsciously, in order to regulate her emotions during those times.

[Goldcrest]

I had a similar issue with my sister in law who I was very close too. She had what we would call the face of fear, an expression that let you know you were dangerously close to an explosion. I became so afraid of upsetting her or voicing an opinion (she was very much the intellectual and would run rings round people in political arguments). I started to notice I felt less than her and ever so slightly bullied by her tendency to simmer with anger. I tried, all be it passively, to tell her how I felt on a couple of occasions but she would switch to victim mode. When I was going through a lot of stress with my mum sick and the breakdown in my marriage I realised the poverty of people I could share my difficulties with. I couldn't talk with her because she was always too stressed with work, I felt she was unavailable to me. In the end I went no contact.

I think in a good friendship disagreements do happen but you BOTH want to care for the other when the argument is over and find a resolution. You both worry about what was said and think over what happened. Perhaps try telling her how you are feeling by owning it as your experience, that you experience her as often angry, that you become afraid. You may need to accept that the relationship is over because if she reacts badly then, I suggest, you are faced with a choice of continuing as you are or walking away?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Thebiunicornisal

A warm welcome to the forum.  
It's great that you want to support your friend, it's very hard for someone with BPD to admit to it, so your friend must be very insightful/brave etc... It's more an issue if you were a child of an undiagnosed BPD, so you may find those of us who grew up with BPD parents / siblings may have an overly negative view - but that was back in the dark ages when we use to dunk witches (yes I'm that old). Understanding BPD always improves the relationship.

My issue is that I've noticed how "silenced" I've become in the relationship. Due to some of her intense reactions to some criticism or mistakes I committed, I became scared of her reactions because they affect me very very badly. I justified the intensity on the fact that I made the mistake, so I deserve to get punished for it.

A BPD can use F.O.G. fear obligation and guilt. So they project unfair blame onto you - never accept that blame. One technique is to use JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.  Lots of people use BPD techniques, so JADE is a useful technique to avoid conflict with anyone. But don't accept invalid critisum, check with others, post on here for a second opinion if you're not sure. Valid critisum given in a positive way can be useful though. Walk away if necessary, step outside the dysfunctional behaviour if it gets too much. But be aware people with BPD fear abandonment, so if you walk away make it clear it's no abandonment.