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Author Topic: Marriage destroyed by affair partner with BPD  (Read 1550 times)
Mam1st
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Relationship status: Seperated
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« on: November 06, 2021, 05:30:40 PM »

I'm not sure if this is an appropriate use of the forum, but I'm struggling to find other avenues to share insights of how someone with BPD has impacted on life from my perspective.
I am a 45 year old wife and mother of 2 fabulous children aged 13 and 9. Sadly I am currently seperated from my husband as a result of his ongoing infidelity with his BPD affair partner. I feel like this person has utterly destroyed our family and made my husband into the worst possible version of himself.

In terms of the context, my husband works with his plwBPD. She is 16 years younger, single and up until recently still lived with her mother.

Having lived through this now for 3 years, and reading through other peoples stories, I'd say our situation is fairly textbook and may well resonate with lots of people. What seems to get forgotten about, are the innocent bystanders in these complex relationships like myself and my children.

In terms of how/why the affair started, I would consider myself and my husband to have had a good marriage. We have been married for 17 years and best friends for 22 years. We may not have had a hugely passionate partnership, intimacy obviously tales off when you have a household, jobs, kids and a million responsibilities to juggle. We did still however enjoy each others company and when time and childcare allowed, tried to rekindle some element of romance. Sadly, 3 years ago my mother died of a brain tumour after months of grueling treatment, leaving behind my Dad who at the time was in the early stages of dementia. Obviously my time was hugely monopolised, and the opportunity to spend quality time alone with my husband was virtually non existent. Our daughter was also struggling with anxiety relating to the loss of her Nana and having major behavioural outbursts. N short, home life wasn't great.
Meanwhile, my husbands junior coworker with BPD (which he wasn't aware of at the time) found that he was a good listener and a non threatening gentle man. She began to lean on him in a work context initially,  but that gradually increased to more personal offloading about her problems with parental abandonment, self harm and eating disorders. Initially he would tell me about these discussions and I identified a red flag immediately. I warned him that she was confiding in him beyond an appropriate level and investing too much in him. I said at the outset that he was playing with fire, although at the time I didn't identify her as someone with BPD.
I picked up on a few social media posts in which she singled him out and alarm bells were ringing but he dismissed this.
Anyway, I now know that she had very quickly  assigned him as her rescuer and I have since uncovered letters and cards from her sent to him that are heavily loaded with almost psychophantic descriptions of adoration for him and sexual fantasy (it was this evidence that clearly highlighted to me that she had BPD, a diagnosis which she has eventually confessed to my husband).
My husband describes his initial contact with her as just wanting to be helpful and feeling sorry for her because of the atrocious things she was describing. Once she started with the excessive praise and appreciation I believe he found it intoxicating and he would compare this to feeling neglected in his home life (obviously I was trying to live up to the responsibilities of beng a parent, daughter and busy NHS professional...if anything the neglect was towards me given I had just lost a parent...but I wasn't in a position to compete with a single 26 yr old living at home with no friends, no responsibilities and mountains of time to write letters and send attentive messages to my husband). Their relationship developed into an intimate one and thus ensued the destruction of our family. They would organise hotel stays, meals, weekend trips whilst I was being told my husband was on a work trip or visiting friends. It seemed like she was trying to recreate my life and go to places we would visit, except she was there in my place.
They even managed to continue their affair through a pandemic!
Of course I knew, I instinctively knew it was happening but for months my husband lied, misled and deceived me. I eventually uncovered that they were on holiday together in a secret hot tub hideaway, when I hid my daughters mobile phone in his car and tracked them.
So, the affair was uncovered. Surely that would be the end of it one way or the other?
No, sadly the torture has continued. Living apart, my husband has insisted that he desperately wants to rebuild his marriage, save his family and be home. We had counselling and I've read every book and article published it feels about surviving an affair, unfortunately nothing seems to take into account an affair partner with BPD, who has no remorse and zero cognitive empathy for the man, woman and children's whose family she is wrecking. She has called me 'vicious' after 1 voicemail I've left to her highlighting my disgust of her (when I discovered they were together). I've not posted anything on social media, exposed her or made any other attempt at contact, yet she portrays me as the aggressor even threatening to contact the police on one occasion and demanding my husband gave her the details of the car I drive.
My husband has failed to end his relationship with her, claiming he wants to but fears she will harm or kill himself. He has tried to minimise contact to work related interactions only, but after quite strained periods of pushing from her...she begins to pull again and the private messaging and begging to see him returns. My husband sadly failed to allow me to help and fell fowl of trying to keep his continued personal contact secret, which has only deepened the betrayal and mistrust. After it seemed we would survive and recover from the affair, his inability to achieve zero contact and secretly continue messaging and meeting, has all but ended our marriage.
My husband was of the belief that once he told his plwBPD it was over, she would just fade away, increase self harming and 100% not want anything to do with him. What actually transpired is that she bought a house 10 minutes from where we live (previously having lived in a town we would never need to visit or go anywhere near) and posted pictures on social media of when she was in a hot tub with him.
I have asked my husband for a divorce as I feel it is the only way to escape this cruel limbo that we have been forced to endure in which he claims he wants to be with his family, but can't seem to extract himself from this toxic person.
He tells me I don't understand. I don't.
I have friends that work in BPD specialist services and they have tried to explain her behaviours and I've read as widely as I can, but whatever I've learnt about BPD, I don't understand how my husband could do this to me and our children. He claims he would love to erase the last 3 years of his life and whenever he is with her, he wishes it was me. No one is holding a gun to his head and telling him to stick with her! Is she really so addictive he can't give her up?
I just feel whenever it seems that she's gone and we might have a chance, another drama erupts that he needs to help her with. A hospital procedure, a work crisis, an issue with her father etc etc etc. My husband feels he can't abandon her.
If he does reject her attempts, she splashes some victim statement on social media about losing that person that was HER world ( not my husband or children's, but hers).
I just feel so sad.
I recognise that my husband has been selfish and weak and blame is not entirely at the other womens door, I just feel someone without BPD and even a speck of empathy might not have allowed him to treat his family so badly and would have respected his wish to end the affair.
I don't see a way that we can be together now. It seems we will always be haunted by this person and she has stolen a part of him that she will never give back.
My husband claims he is at rock bottom. He only ever meant to help her and was naive as to where it would all lead.
I don't know if any marriage could realistically survive this. My husband is begging for me to keep hope alive for him. I just want him to be free from her so he can find himself again, regardless of whether there is a future with me. As I've said, she has made him into the worst possible version of himself.

I'd love to know if any other wife/husband has survived this and if removing myself and my kids from the situation permanently is the best option?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
EyesUp
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 446


« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2021, 10:37:10 PM »

Sorry you're here and going through this.

Know this: You're not alone.

You've done a remarkably good job of sorting through a lot of what's happened and is happening in your life.  That said, at this point, you're likely experiencing some degree of trauma and may not be thinking objectively.

Taking BPD out of the equation for a moment, this is really between you and your husband. Your husband's AP and her circumstances are somewhat secondary.

Seeking an explanation for what happened is not uncommon.  Assigning blame to the AP is common.  However you will need to come to terms with what has happened between you and your husband. 

In my case, if you had asked me if infidelity would be a deal breaker in my marriage, I would have unequivocally said yes. But when it happened to me - after being married for nearly 15 years - I struggled to understand what had happened, and I did everything possible to save the relationship.

I wanted to blame the AP.  I wanted to support my wife.  I desperately wanted to avoid disrupting our kids' lives.  I was, to my own surprise, prepared to support my wife - I wanted to believe that somehow she was also a victim - played by her AP.

What I eventually learned, from sources that focus on infidelity (not necessarily BPD), is that to have any chance of reconciliation, both partners need to reestablish trust.  The cheating partner needs to consistently demonstrate a high degree of remorse.  And in most situations, the AP needs to be fully removed from the equation. These are not hard and fast rules, but they do seem to be instructive for a lot of people in this situation.

Is your husband willing and able to seek new employment, change his phone number, give you unrestricted access to his phone and email, relocate if needed, etc., in order to fully break contact with the AP?   Yes, it's all super difficult.  Willingness to do what is super difficult appears to be what it takes, for both partners.

Are you capable of radical acceptance?  Is your love so strong that you can forgive him?  Do you really want to police your partner for the rest of your life?  Or will you be choking on the PLEASE READ sandwich (sorry) that is infidelity for the rest of your life?  Only you can determine what can work for you.  There is nothing wrong with trying to reconcile, although many will tell you to make a break and never look back.

No matter what, you need to establish a support network - friends, family, counseling, boards like this one.  Do it independently, i.e., do not feel obligated to include your husband in every aspect of your recovery process.  You need to take care of yourself, and at the moment it sounds like you are very much trying to take care of your husband.

Consult an attorney that specializes in family law in your county, and with experience in the court you are likely to be assigned if you decide to proceed with divorce.  Talking with an atty does not mean you've decided to get a divorce - it means that you're trying to understand what divorce entails and what it might look like in your specific circumstances. Many attys will provide a free initial consultation to learn about you and your circumstances.  I encourage you to interview several attys. Learn as much as you can about divorce in your state and county.  Again, do not share this with your husband while you assess your options.

In my case, the attempt to reconcile failed - however I'm glad I tried, as I was eventually able to proceed with a clear conscience and the conviction I needed to move forward.

As much as I did not want to divorce - for myself or for our 3 kids - I arrived at a point at which I realized that it was absolutely necessary.  It took me the better part of a year to get there, at which point I was able to proceed with confidence.

If you feel that your spouse has a PD, this board is an incredible resource.

Unfortunately infidelity is not uncommon among individuals with PDs - do you think your H may also have PD traits?
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Mam1st
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« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2021, 02:25:11 AM »

Many thanks EyesUp. That's very insightful.
I have tentatively progressed with some of those suggestions, such as speaking to a solicitor about what divorce would entail. I've asked my husband to attend marriage mediation but he gets very hostile at this suggestion as he is adamant he doesn't want to divorce. This is contradictory to what he was saying after the initial discovery of the affair, when I was begging him to focus on his family. At that point he was suggesting I deserved better and a fresh start might be in my best interests. A year down the line, after his failure to achieve all the suggestions you have made (leaving his job, blocking affair partners attempts at contact, location sharing etc) I've concluded we can't reconcile. Trust is non existent and I don't want to live in a state of constant paranoia.

I find the question of whether he has PD traits interesting. He is a middle child, feeling like he has never really lived up to the achievements of his siblings and in comparison, has a poor relationship with his mother. He has low self esteem and struggles with confrontation, choosing to take flight whenever he's backed into a corner and going missing for several hours. When I have tried to take control and be firm with regards ending our marriage, my husband claims I am ruining him, that it is me destroying our family and that I have never accepted my part in neglecting him. He feels that I have let him down.  He will send messages with suggestions that his life is not worth living and on one occasion forwarded a picture of railway crossings saying it was 'tempting'.

Prior to fully discovering the affair he would accuse me of being paranoid and questioning him constantly ( because the gaping holes in his lies were becoming more and more evident). When I caught him red handed still in contact during our supposed reconciliation phase (at her house a number of times) and challenged him he would yell at me and ask why I was doing this to us?

He has become adept at compartmentalising his life. Feels he is happy when absorbed in family life... but then continues to maintain his affair...so what does he tell his affair partner about spending time with her? Is she also under the assumption he is happiest in her company?

So, gas lighting, narcissist tendancies, low self esteem, manipulation...could he also have PD? I'm not sure as for the vast majority of our life together its hasn't been an issue. That said, this is his 2nd affair. The first occurred after the birth of our daughter and was discovered quickly and ended after a few months.
I would identify both occasions as being at times of major transition for me. Becoming a parent and losing a parent. The two points in my life when I probably needed the most support from my husband. Ordinarily I'm a strong and resilient person, not a waif, so I'm guessing my husband simply didn't know how to cope with the responsibility of helping me through two very challenging times in my life. Both events also took us away from the pleasurable activities we had previously enjoyed, perhaps only temporarily, but his coping strategy appears to have been seeking out opportunities for pleasure elsewhere.
I feel that his reactions during conflict over the past year have been learned behaviours from his BPD affair partner, as otherwise he functioned very well in life prior to meeting her.

I agree that the whole thing has been traumatising for me and despite having some counselling, I'm still suffering from a version of PTSD. I often wonder if I was able to speak to his affair partner, to understand her version of the past three years and vice versa would that help? Some friends advise me to confront her, whereas a close friend who worked as an OT in the PD team has told me to never try and attempt a rational conversation with her, she's wired differently and it would have no value.

I agree, that I need to let go of this person. Take her out of the equation. That would be easier if she would also just be willing to walk away.
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EyesUp
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 446


« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2021, 01:52:50 PM »

>> So, gas lighting, narcissist tendancies, low self esteem, manipulation...could he also have PD?

It's not necessary to have a formal diagnosis - you've come to the right place to learn some skills to deal with these behaviors.

>> I'm not sure as for the vast majority of our life together its hasn't been an issue.

It doesn't matter - the behaviors can manifest or become more evident later.  That's what happened for me - my PWBPD was highly functional, until she wasn't.

>> That said, this is his 2nd affair.

Certainly a red flag, and an indication that certain behaviors are, in fact, not new.

>> I would identify both occasions as being at times of major transition for me.

And for him as well. These changes can be triggers. I'm not assigning blame or attempting to provide an explanation - merely stating that "life events" can give rise to behavior change.

>> Ordinarily I'm a strong and resilient person, not a waif, so I'm guessing my husband simply didn't know how to cope with the responsibility of helping me through two very challenging times in my life.

From your description, it sounds like he exhibits some waif attributes, at times.  Somehow he is the victim of his infidelity, right?

>> His coping strategy appears to have been seeking out opportunities for pleasure elsewhere.

What did/does he do for pleasure when not seeking extra-marital attention?  Any other compulsive / addictive behaviors?  Shopping?  Drinking?  Gaming? 

>> I feel that his reactions during conflict over the past year have been learned behaviours from his BPD affair partner, as otherwise he functioned very well in life prior to meeting her.

Except for the prior affair...   Others here are more skilled in how to provide support.  I know enough not to judge, but this statement sounds a lot like reaching for an external excuse or explanation.  It's unlikely that a disordered individual has so much sway or power.  It's also possible (though highly speculative on my part), that what you know about this person comes entirely from your H - in which case, it could be projection.

If he's not a reliable narrator of his own story, how can you rely on him for information about someone else - particularly in this highly charged situation?  Is there a chance that he has intuitively redirected your confusion and concern away from him and toward his AP?

>> I agree that the whole thing has been traumatising for me and despite having some counselling, I'm still suffering from a version of PTSD.

Having certain basic truths ripped out of your life is not easy.  Many of us have experienced this in some shape or form.

>> I often wonder if I was able to speak to his affair partner, to understand her version of the past three years and vice versa would that help?

No - or at least, highly unlikely.

>> Some friends advise me to confront her, whereas a close friend who worked as an OT in the PD team has told me to never try and attempt a rational conversation with her, she's wired differently and it would have no value.

Focus on this.

>> I agree, that I need to let go of this person. Take her out of the equation. That would be easier if she would also just be willing to walk away.

Walk away from you?  Or your husband?

Again, I'm sorry you're going through this.  Given that you've been working on this for some time, that your H shows little or no remorse - possibly the opposite - and that he is unwilling or at least resistant to your seemingly fair and reasonable requests for his support, and that contact with his AP is continuing in some form, my suggestion is to turn your attention to you, your boundaries, your wants and needs, and your future.

There are some exercises here re: healthy boundaries - have you had a chance to explore this yet?

There may yet be a way to remain married with new expectations and new boundaries - or you may find that the detachment you seek from the AP is actually from your H.  There is no right or wrong choice - only you can decide.

I'm sure others will be along to comment here.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2021, 12:06:24 PM »

I don't have experience in this area, but the fact that your H seems so addicted to his rescuer role that he feels he can not stop, is something to consider.

You are looking at her as if- if she were not BPD, this would not have happened.

I will also add that if your H didn't feel some connection to her, to the point he'd break up a solid marriage for this relationship, this would not have happened.

It has been said that if someone is attracted to, and attracts a person with BPD and the relationship "sticks" then they match each other in some ways.

Yes, it's understandable ( but not OK) that after several years of marriage and a time of stress where you were preoccupied, someone who is making advances might be tempting. However, some people with enough emotional maturity would be able to put that into perspective and choose to not harm their marriage. Someone else might fall for it, but once the BPD dynamics got dramatic, decide it's not for them.

Your H on the other hand wants both- his family and his affair. The next boundary is on you. If this is unacceptable to you, then he must choose you and not her.

Then there's the question- if she matches him emotionally in some way, and he matches her- then in what ways were the patterns between the two of you dysfunctional? Were you the more codependent one? Supporting his feelings too much so that when you were in need of understanding yourself ( with the stresses you had) he wasn't able to deal with that? Were you the one doing too much?

If so, this may be an opportunity for you to work on yourself, build better relationship skills, and do some self care- being now single- you can do more for you without having to do more for him. With some self work, you may decide you still want the marriage or that you don't.

As for your H, if this affair is not acceptable to you, I think that's a boundary that must be communicated clearly. If he does choose you, then I think counseling is in order as that is what is usually needed to repair this kind of thing. If he refuses, then you know this too. If he's expecting all to be erased, we are good now, consider if that is realistic for you. Repairing broken trust isn't usually quick or simple.

Lastly, if he can not give her up, then also consider he will get the whole package. The trend for these kinds of relationship is to have initial love bombing and idealization, but that generally doesn't last and if he's given up his stable family for that, that's on him.

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