Is there any possible method of apology or atonement?

[Boogie74]

Maybe it’s an impossible feat.  More than anything, though, I want a way to show remorse and apologize for even perceived slights and mistakes I (and every other human) make in communicating or accomplishing tasks.   

I find myself in a never ending world devoid of any forgiveness or understanding of things such as accidentally forgetting that something was said- or even slightly mentioned in a long lost conversation months or years back.   Or if she asks me to scratch her back and I have a sharp hangnail that causes discomfort.   Or if I am in a bad mood because I am disappointed at something unrelated.   NONE of these things matter- EVER - to her.   I cannot apologize or explain that something that is completely innocent or accidental or even a spoken misuse of words was not intended or a true act of evil.

I recognize that to the BPD sufferer, all is either angelic or just demonic in nature.    There are no nuances of grey area.   If it causes any inconvenience or discomfort, it MUST be due to deliberate or purely preventable negligence.

But, as most people recognize, the universe isn’t a fair or always pleasant place and it isn’t due to anything but “_____ happens sometimes”.   

For my sanity sake and true emotional health, I want nothing more than to be able to TALK to her about my world and how I feel bad for hurting her with a hang nail or forgetting my phone in the car when she happened to text me for to remind me to buy something at another store or misunderstanding what she meant when she tells me a story or asking questions (because I’m LISTENING to her tell me what she wants ordered at a drive thru) or forgetting what brand of toilet paper she wants me to buy… ad nauseum…. 

Because when you live with and love someone, things happen that aren’t due to one person ALWAYS BEING A JERK or NEVER KNOWING HOW TO COMMUNICATE or NEVER LISTENING when she tells me a minuscule detail in 2016 about her favorite way she likes a certain restaurant to prepare a certain dish…

Does anyone have any idea how to communicate that they made a (non lethal) mistake in something that happens in life?

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[NotAHero]

  I don’t think you have to apologize for non intentional issues like that. A casual I’m sorry - state fact- move on. If the BP keeps bringing it up distract - change subject - don’t respond.

 The more you apologize the more you will be prosecuted.  Nothing good will come out of that. Apologize only for mistakes you are actually responsible for and even then give them a time to prosecute you then move on. Otherwise they will be stuck in the same devaluation cycle for months or even years.

[Boogie74]

  I don’t think you have to apologize for non intentional issues like that. A casual I’m sorry - state fact- move on. If the BP keeps bringing it up distract - change subject - don’t respond.

 The more you apologize the more you will be prosecuted.  Nothing good will come out of that. Apologize only for mistakes you are actually responsible for and even then give them a time to prosecute you then move on. Otherwise they will be stuck in the same devaluation cycle for months or even years.

I agree with all of what you said.   I am starting to realize that much of the “evil” or “intentionally negligent” transgressions are very poorly identified by her as cause and effect issues… “You ate food and took too long to clean up the dish- so the cat jumped up to investigate it and scratched me on the arm when jumping up- so YOU caused me this pain in my arm!”

Also having trouble showing empathy without being accused of making it all about me.   “That sounds painful”. “What do YOU CARE?”  “I don’t like seeing you in pain”. “You’re a narcissist!  It’s always about YOU!   YOU don’t like seeing me in pain!  YOU YOU YOU!”

[NotAHero]

 Exactly. A lot of times it has nothing to do with what you did at all not even the dish cat connection.

 In reality the inner world of BPD goes something like this:

 “ I feel intense pain, guilt and shame. I can’t take it anymore. It can’t always be me so it must be someone else. Oh wait here is an easy target , the loved one. He is responsible for my feelings. Let’s take it out on him”

 The feeling comes first then the events are twisted or even completely made up to fit the feeling.

“ He is looking at his phone probably wanting to leave me “

 Result: Why are you cheating on me ?

[Boogie74]

Recognizing a lot of projections too… I’m often accused of throwing a tantrum when I don’t get my way…

I will listen for a moment or two and at a reasonable break in the tirade, I simply tell her that I am pausing because I am needing to take a break for myself. 

As I sit in another room, she is screaming and ranting in a sing song “tantrum!  Tantrum!  My name is ____ and I’m throwing a temper tantrum” as a 9 year old would yell.   Meanwhile I’m silent in another room recognizing completely that she’s throwing a preadolescent tantrum as she complains about me throwing a tantrum.   

[once removed]

Maybe it’s an impossible feat.  More than anything, though, I want a way to show remorse and apologize for even perceived slights and mistakes I (and every other human) make in communicating or accomplishing tasks.   

it very much depends.

are we talking something specific, or generally speaking?

[Boogie74]

it very much depends.

are we talking something specific, or generally speaking?

I mean, it would be nice to say “I’m sorry but I forgot the brand of olive oil you wanted- what was it again?”  without getting berated about how I never listen to her and if I paid attention I would know.

Or-

“I am sorry I was snippy- it’s not you at all- I had a rough day and I’m in a cranky mood” without being berated “You ALWAYS had a ‘BAD DAY’!  You’re selfish and a narcissist!”

Or-

“I’m sorry I hurt your toe massaging your feet- my nail slipped and I didn’t mean to hurt you”. without being berated that “You ALWAYS ‘slipped your nail’! It wouldn’t happen if you were careful- but you’re not!  You don’t care about who you hurt or what happens to anyone because you’re a narcissist!”   

“All you ever say is “I’m sorry!” but “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it anymore.   Either you care or you don’t and if you cared this would never happen!”

[thankful person]

Boogie, I completely hear you on this. When I apologise to my wife, (which I’m trying to do less but I need to build up my own self esteem), she just tells me, “you’re NOT sorry” and that “it’s ACTIONS that make a difference, not words”. Of course, being that I have already done the terrible action that I’m apologising for, I have no way to prove I’m sorry and that regret it. I’ve always said, “why would I want you to treat me like this? I hate it when you’re upset with me”. That doesn’t help. I also get accused of being a narcissist and told, “it’s all about YOU and YOUR FEELINGS! Why can’t anything just be about me for once?” I’m really struggling here and I don’t have any advice for you, just wanted to say I totally get it.