Issues with wife

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

To the top.
Am currently experiencing extreme, difficult to handle emotions. I feel so bad for what is going to happen. Yet I shouldn't.
I truly feel so bad for my wife that she will have to go out into the real world, get a full time job and function as a productive member of society. Things she has NEVER had to do or even consider doing.
Bad in a sense because she won't even go visit with her daughter 1000 miles away due to her anxiety/ inability to schedule a flight and depart on it by herself.
I guess these unfortunates make it through life "on the backs of others".
I wonder where are the life skills she should have attained throughout her formative years?
I even went so far to explain it to my therapist relating that maybe "she was my cross to bear". He related that she was not, and that it would be extremely unfair and unhealthy to function this way for the next 25-30 years. I related that I certainly would not want that.
I think its going to start getting a bit rough until things are finalized. Rough in the sense that I'll be portrayed somewhat as an "abusive" man that won't heed her requests to reconcile, see how she's changed, etc.
I just try to keep it civil. I do not engage in unnecessary communications.
Even one of her daughters related that she needs to go and hook up with a retired old "sugar daddy" that could devote all of his time/energy to listening to her non-stop BS in exchange for whatever.
Therapist advises to keep moving and ixnay the attempts she makes to pull me back in due to a real questionable motive as to why she keeps trying. I don't think its out of love for me. I really think she wants to be taken care of.
Hard to accept.
Peace

[SPD438]

To the top.
Am currently experiencing extreme, difficult to handle emotions. I feel so bad for what is going to happen. Yet I shouldn't.
I truly feel so bad for my wife that she will have to go out into the real world, get a full time job and function as a productive member of society. Things she has NEVER had to do or even consider doing.
Bad in a sense because she won't even go visit with her daughter 1000 miles away due to her anxiety/ inability to schedule a flight and depart on it by herself.
I guess these unfortunates make it through life "on the backs of others".
I wonder where are the life skills she should have attained throughout her formative years?
I even went so far to explain it to my therapist relating that maybe "she was my cross to bear". He related that she was not, and that it would be extremely unfair and unhealthy to function this way for the next 25-30 years. I related that I certainly would not want that.
I think its going to start getting a bit rough until things are finalized. Rough in the sense that I'll be portrayed somewhat as an "abusive" man that won't heed her requests to reconcile, see how she's changed, etc.
I just try to keep it civil. I do not engage in unnecessary communications.
Even one of her daughters related that she needs to go and hook up with a retired old "sugar daddy" that could devote all of his time/energy to listening to her non-stop BS in exchange for whatever.
Therapist advises to keep moving and ixnay the attempts she makes to pull me back in due to a real questionable motive as to why she keeps trying. I don't think its out of love for me. I really think she wants to be taken care of.
Hard to accept.
Peace

[BigOof]

I truly feel so bad for my wife that she will have to go out into the real world, get a full-time job, and function as a productive member of society. Things she has NEVER had to do or even consider doing.

I doubt it. She'll have someone caretake her in a few months.

[ForeverDad]

I truly feel so bad for my wife that she will have to go out into the real world, get a full time job and function as a productive member of society. Things she has NEVER had to do or even consider doing.

You've been married for about 7 years.  Your perspective is fooling you, she has two grown daughters and a minor son who is shared between parents.  So before you met her, she never had any support from anyone?  Your logic knows that to be untrue.

She's a grown woman, an adult.  Her daughters have left and are living their own lives.  Probably soon her son will too.  If she were a male I'd quip, "she needs to man up and face life."  But she's female and it's tugging at your heart strings.  We get it.  But you can't save her from herself.  Maybe an emotionally detached therapist (no emotional past baggage) could guide her towards a measure of recovery... but that's on her, you can't do it for her.

Have you read the handouts of Dr Joe Carver, a retired clinical psychologist?  His first handout article describes the controllers, manipulators, abusers, users and losers that can attach themselves to us in our lives.  "Poor helpless me, I'm a victim, save me from myself."

[SPD438]

Good Day,
I'm amazed how much I learn by being on this site. I may not respond to everything I see on it, but believe me I take it all in.
This situation here is kind of taking awhile to dissolve/ seek dissolution. I filed November of last year.
Anyhow I believe there will be a time I will have to exit my own home and stay with my folks due to my being sick and tired of her trying to get back together. It plays on my emotions being under the same roof. I feel bad but know this is how things must go.
Even the minimal interaction we have I would call "grating" to me. She is laden with anxiety, and it can be depressing/ contagious to be around. I know now that this "is truly who she really is", and that I will not chnge/ make her better.
THANKS

[SPD438]

I know its been a minute...
Spouses attorney apparently has been facing some extreme health issues for the worst, resulting in unforeseen delays?
My attorney contacted me to come to her office to retrieve original financial documents I had provided for dissemination to wifes counsel. During the call, she related that information to me. She asked if my wife wants this divorce due to these extreme delays. I said that she did not want it. My counsel asked what does she want? I related "a reconciliation". She related that I should "divorce her to protect your assets, then see what happens after" if you want to hang out or whatever.
This whole experience dealing with this I feel has made me a different person.
I get the whole BPD concept, what they're about, what the "assumed" roles are when partnership comes about, the dysfunction, nice guy classification etc. So sorry I'm part of this.
Living under the same roof during this procedure certainly has its downs, as she has access to me somewhat regularly.
Continually trying to show me how much she's changed, or relating that we need to try again. But all the while implying that the past is off limits. How convenient, my therapist would say.
Thanks for reading.

[ForeverDad]

My attorney related that I should "divorce her to protect your assets, then see what happens after" if you want to hang out or whatever.

Regardless whether there are children of this marriage, this is a practical approach.  After all, if your spouse does manage to 'recover' significantly at some future time, you could always reconsider marriage again when you aren't in the middle of the emotional chaos.

My marriage imploded, there was no going back.  But my lawyer too was aware of the emotional pull to the relationship that could compromise making practical decisions.

From a post on February 5, 2011:
I've posted about this topic a few times before, it's probably a good time to mention it again as it teaches a lesson: Experience is not the best teacher, it is the harshest teacher.  So, if you can, learn from others' experiences.

My lawyer warned me to avoid a trap a prior client had fallen for.  His client was divorcing his wife and the reports had come out well for him, his wife's behaviors were that concerning, he was going to have custody of his children, all that was needed was for him to sign.  One last signature. That's all.  No response to his letter to come in and sign, so he called (probably his secretary) and guess who answered?  The wife.   Yes, they were back together again.   The husband dropped the divorce.  Six months passed.  Then the husband came in wanting a divorce yet again, his wife really hadn't changed after all.  This time around his wife knew which behaviors the court and evaluators scrutinized and which she should avoid during the custody evaluation (or it might have been the court's cheaper parenting investigation) and the second time around the reports recommended the children stay with her.  You see, the second report had little or nothing to do with the first one, dropping the first case and starting over in court had triggered a Full Reset.

My lawyer wanted me to avoid a similar mistake.  He told me that even if she came and danced on my lawn naked, I should think with my big head and not my little one.

[ForeverDad]

My attorney contacted me to come to her office to retrieve original financial documents I had provided for dissemination to wife's counsel.

Maybe wife's counsel would manage to maintain proper custody of the papers.  But be aware that your original documents could disappear if spouse gets hands on them.  I recommend a two item policy:

• Provide copies or digital scans of original documents.
• If each party is to share respective documents, such as evaluations, etc, once you provide the documents, or copies, to your counselor, then instruct that the other side be notified, "The expected documents are ready.  Please make arrangements for the exchange."  Note that it is to be an exchange. When pwBPD are involved and the documents are no longer in your control, then your leverage for compliance from the other side is weakened.

[SPD438]

Hey All
Thanks Forever for all the knowledgeable advice relative to this situation. I take it seriously.
This past weekend I had plans unbeknownst to her that would have seen me out of town for 2 days in order to enjoy a special interest vehicle event.
On my last workday, I received a text relating that she "didn't feel good". Didn't respond back.
3 hours later texted asking if I was working late. It was still 3 hours away from when I would actually know if I was going to be "forced back". Said I didn't know and that I would speak to her at home whenever I got there.
Upon arriving home I find her slouched on the bathroom floor where she related she's been for the past 10 hours.
 "I can't breathe, my back hurts, my neck hurts, I haven't eaten I feel like its going to come out both ends, and THIS STRESS YOU AND YOUR ATTORNEY ARE PUTTING ON ME etc. etc.
I end up taking her to a medical facility because obviously, she needed a place to go.
After 3 hours of inconclusive testing which would see her being given anti anxiety meds through an IV, the facility said "go home, eat and drink something, and get some rest.
"I'm so weak..." caused me to stay at my residence for the next 2 days in order to administer lifesaving meds to one of my sick felines and prepare food for her.
What a load. This whole episode was created to get me to pay attention to her while interjecting divorce proceeding discussion at times. I shut that BS down.
Missed the final car event of the season.
At least as of today, her dysfunctional son will be here. He can tend to her needs as opposed to just consuming oxygen when he's here.
Peace to All

[kells76]

Hi SPD438;

Thanks for the update on where you're at.

It's sounding like the home stretch? Any specific dates on the timeline for moving forward? I know you mentioned a few weeks ago that there've been unforeseen delays.

As you both are living under the same roof at this point in the process, the best you can do may be to make the situation the "least worst" possible. Taking her to the doctor when she had those physical complaints makes sense. Keep being decent and not disrespectful and deal with medical concerns; beyond that, let professionals and others help and support her as you work to disconnect.

I wonder if you will want to look back on this time and be able to say to yourself that no matter what anyone did or thought or said, and despite your frustration with the dysfunction, you acted decently and with integrity. Maybe a way to, as ForeverDad sometimes says, be able to gift some closure to yourself.

Thanks again for checking in.

[SPD438]

Okay making it along now shouldn't be too much longer.
There was a date set regarding "petition for maintenance" held last week. I was available if needed and my counsel knew it. I never received notification to "come on in".
I related a few things prior to that date to my counsel. They understood EXACTLY what I would/ would not be willing to do as far as assets/ housing of she and her son and monthly expenses.
Next day (I don't follow this that close, but I think she must monitor EVERY heartbeat relative to this case), she related that "Well, you must be happy! There will be 1 mandatory court appearance then we'll be divorced!"
I was thinking to myself WTF ever...
She is still trying to work on me/soften me up. I'm civil to the max, but will not budge an inch as far as "getting the band back together" goes.
It's all cool and the gang that she's involved with the church, works there etc. Sometimes attends al-anon meetings there as well. Good for her that's "good change" or whatever.
But deep down I know what she is. Actively listening to her speak creates so much anxiety in me. I used to just suck it up and "deal with it". Them days have come to a grinding halt. When one of her estranged daughters related she "couldn't stand talking to her on the phone" I used to be like "huh"? Yeah, I get it now.
Thanks to all for being supportive.
Peace
 

[SPD438]

08 Jan 23
Hanging in there still. Thank God for people who support me and can actively listen and understand "what I'm laying down". Big difference between that and pretending to listen, or listen and fail to comprehend. I'm so over people that function that way.
I imagine I'll receive some sort of notification this week from my counsel. I'm kinda ready to move it along.
She's STILL trying to relate "change". "I love you and want to be with you". I wish I could relate that "If you mean those things you say, then you can pursue me after the divorce is finalized", as that would be the only acceptable condition.
Feel bad that this whole thing has dragged out for 14 months with no kids involved. Unbelievable.
PEACE

[SPD438]

On today's date.
I can't believe this has been going on for 18 months. 2 people no children. I believe the specifics will be agreed upon by the 28th of this month, or else face trial.
I'm upset that this has taken so long as I've lost out on valuable time I could have been at peace/healing during.
Wife is trying to be uber nice and super civil. Making me "work lunches", preparing meals for me to eat in the evening, etc. I'm a peaceful man. "Go ahead and do your thing Kid". Whatever. But don't be trying to relate to me that "It should be just you and me working on this. A new beginning without any outside influence. Just you-n-me".
Spoke with my LCSW about that. He related that she is incapable of being "emotionally supportive" while being in a relationship with me/probably anyone else, and that's what I need. I don't think I'll get that from her. LCSW related that my requests for companionship were not unreasonable. Quite the opposite.
So as the financials/finals are being dealt with, I'm amazed that she hasn't indicated anything about seeking gainful future employment. If I pass by her workstation in the home, I see adult coloring books on it. Should be filled with resume material and postage stamps or whatever people do these days. She did indicate she would need furniture awhile back when her council was probably pushing her to agree on financial matters after I had a "sit down" with my council and hers by which i indicated that a reconciliation calendar would not be suitable because "It's broken and unfixable."
I'll keep posting.
THANKS