Guidance and Help... Please

[legalboxers]

4 levels of crap.. as you call it...
working my way backwards..

4 - Problem with the person I first introduced here. Shes gone.. Harping on such.. not rehashing..

3 - Mom still going on about the money..Now.. She is saying I took my clicker remote plus $100..

2- Have this friend I knew. I keep them at past arms distance. Dated them, stopped talking to them. She wasnt talking to me. I call her one day and I find out shes in the hospital. One guy she was with drove her stir crazy, she ended up having a heart attack. Since then her "status" diterated. She goes on and no about someone in law enforcement who is "following" her and attacks the people who live upstairs saying they are "asian people stomping and vacuuming". She screams at people who walk past her, thinking they are following her. Her mother died last year during the Covid thing. (she harps on this everytime she calls me, like the former ex who harped I wasnt with her when her mom died, etc)

And the cherry on top..
1 - The person who caused all my problems with the person I started talking to talk about on here. I deleted her off facebook.. She wants to be friends with me. Should I just ignore it, or accept her as a friend...

Am I a magnet for people like this? I mean I get this crap at home. I dont need any relationships like this...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Am I a magnet for people like this?

Most of us here who have been in a relationship with a pwBPD for an extended time may be caretakers. I recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist if you haven't already read it. As such, we likely have few or no boundaries and end up with unhealthy relationship patterns.

The good news is, you can change things. Start with yourself and create boundaries to protect yourself from being victim of unhealthy relationship behavior like fighting, arguing, etc. Then start examining the people you associate with. Find and nurture relationships with people who have healthy boundaries. If you have issues at home, consider getting your own place. Good luck and let us know if any questions.

[legalboxers]

Most of us here who have been in a relationship with a pwBPD for an extended time may be caretakers. I recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist if you haven't already read it. As such, we likely have few or no boundaries and end up with unhealthy relationship patterns.

The good news is, you can change things. Start with yourself and create boundaries to protect yourself from being victim of unhealthy relationship behavior like fighting, arguing, etc. Then start examining the people you associate with. Find and nurture relationships with people who have healthy boundaries. If you have issues at home, consider getting your own place. Good luck and let us know if any questions.

My mom is 85.. So its my obligation (I use that term since its what most kids do who have people from the old country)to do what I need to do. I set up many boundaries. and they seem to cross them

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey LB-

It seems sometimes our hands are a bit tied about certain situations in our lives, like taking care of aging family members.  And even then, there are some things we can do to lessen our direct involvement- move out, Medicaid home care , meals on wheels, other social services for the elderly, etc.

And other times we DO have complete control over the boundaries we set - like when to answer the phone, when to end calls, and who to allow as “friends” on Facebook and who to ignore.  All within your control.  Completely.

You must recall the pain you went through on the Detaching board while your relationship was ending.  So the question is really for you...  why would YOU allow her back into your world and under your skin?  Through Facebook or otherwise?  What would you hope to accomplish *this* time?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[legalboxers]

Hey LB-

It seems sometimes our hands are a bit tied about certain situations in our lives, like taking care of aging family members.  And even then, there are some things we can do to lessen our direct involvement- move out, Medicaid home care , meals on wheels, other social services for the elderly, etc.

And other times we DO have complete control over the boundaries we set - like when to answer the phone, when to end calls, and who to allow as “friends” on Facebook and who to ignore.  All within your control.  Completely.

You must recall the pain you went through on the Detaching board while your relationship was ending.  So the question is really for you...  why would YOU allow her back into your world and under your skin?  Through Facebook or otherwise?  What would you hope to accomplish *this* time?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

I grew tired of her anti-vax tirade and everything else. She was the cause of the problems with everything else. Only call me when she needed me. I think Im going through changes where I say enough is enough with my friends

[SinisterComplex]

I grew tired of her anti-vax tirade and everything else. She was the cause of the problems with everything else. Only call me when she needed me. I think Im going through changes where I say enough is enough with my friends

It is a process my friend. Especially for those like yourself who are naturally caretakers and genuinely kind and good people. Your natural instincts are to help and be altruistic. Great strengths, but also great weaknesses that draw in people who will use and manipulate.

Remember real friends respect your boundaries and value you just for being you and not for what they can get out of you. It has to be reciprocal as well. YOU have to feel valued and respected.

I am pretty sure you know this stuff too amigo. Just quit being so hard on yourself...that isn't healthy.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[legalboxers]

It is a process my friend. Especially for those like yourself who are naturally caretakers and genuinely kind and good people. Your natural instincts are to help and be altruistic. Great strengths, but also great weaknesses that draw in people who will use and manipulate.

Remember real friends respect your boundaries and value you just for being you and not for what they can get out of you. It has to be reciprocal as well. YOU have to feel valued and respected.

I am pretty sure you know this stuff too amigo. Just quit being so hard on yourself...that isn't healthy.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I was superman... from 2003-2018... Literally.. Im still one.. to a smaller scale.. I wasnt valued, nor respected because of the toxic people I worked with. And it was a VOLUNTEER JOB.. I was offered a pay job.. but I cant.. Im not going back to the place where I was treated badly