i need to learn how to speak dbp language, help

[agapej]

Hey everyone, I believe my wife has bdp.  We met 6 years ago.  I was fresh out of a divorce and seperated a month (unlucky her for that timing) when we met.  She tripped over my dog and we connected eyes and that was it.  That marriage ex wife was unsucessful because I was not a good communicator and she had issues with major depression prior to our meeting each other.  I live in the clouds a bit and always want things to just be "happy go lucky" and always optimistic and I constantly asked her to also tell the good that happens in her life (because constant bad news was depressing for me to hear).  I love our two children SO much from that marriage and I believe that was also part of our demise as it's in my nature to be a protector for those who can't protect themselves.  my ex wife came from a long line of divorce and I come from a family with not a single divorce in our history and I feel that difference between the two of us was against us as well.  
Back to my current wife.  She had a child out of wedlock and has told me stories of why it didn't work out with her childs father and I have heard contrasting stories from others.  She moved away from the father after the child was born stating he was dangerous for her son.
 She also lost a close boyfriend to an accident after a few years of dating.  We dated for 5 years and over that time she has moved in and out of my house numerous times.  I feel whenever something doesn't work out her way she gets angry and moves out.  She is an only child and her parents enable her in many ways, but that's my opinion.  She has horrible health issues (RA, migraines, etc.) and I have to take care of her and she doesn't work very much.  
I wasn't ready for engagement but she gave me an ultimatum so we got engaged, and it was the perfect engagement.  I wasn't ready to get married but she gave me an ultimatum on time frame to get married, so we go married.  When we first started dating I told her I was 99.9% sure I didn't want any other children and that 3 would be a lot of work...6 weeks before we got married she told me that she had to at least try to have a baby with me or she was going to leave.  There is so much that I just don't have time to explain her, now, but the things she has told me are things that are the most hurtful things you can imagine, she has thrown plates, yelled, screamed, cussed, threatened suicide, banged her head against walls, beat trees with hammers, thrown vases, sent my parents hate texts calling me a monster, called my children names, called her children names, etc. .  She has to be on serious pain medicine daily and muscle relaxers and anytime she has anxiety takes zanex, etc..  I am the total opposite and don't take anything for anything, which is difficult for her to understant.  I am 47 and she is 36 and healthwise she could be considered to be in a 90 year old body (she has osteoporosis as well, and Transverse mylitis).
I am afraid to talk with her because things I say get twisted and she is an extremely black and white thinker.  I have literally asked her that anytime she has problem with what I said, to consider what was said 30 seconds before and 30 seconds after the snippet she refers to.  I caught her talkign with an ex boyfriend after we got married and the lies and deceit that came from that was almost unbearable. It was with someone whom she had been talking with for many years who had caused issues and we agreed to block his number.  
SO much more to discuss, but long story short, I am from a very religious family and I am a fixer and want to make things work.  Keep in mind, I am not perfect, but I am not abusive. She says I am abusive, but can't give me examples when I ask for them.  I am almost always calm, don't curse, don't raise my voice, and would never intentionally say anything to cut deeply into my wife emotionally.
I have two children (7,12) from a previous marriage..she has one child (8). Before I knew what bdp was I had concerns and she did as well with me.  Of course, I feel like it relates to her BDP, but I'm told I am the cause of most of our issues and I need to get help.  We went to a counselor years ago, and after a few trips he gave me the book, "walking on eggshells".  He said, "I'm not telling you she has it, but it will surely help you deal with her and understand what you are going through".  I read it and it all made sense.  
I hesitate on how much to share because we are all people and all have issues.  The one thing I do know is that I do things out of love and I love her deeply, but I am scared of what bdp behavior can do to my children and her child as well over time and what effect it will have on me over time.  I am exhausted with dealing with everything and running a family and caring for her.  She has extreme anger, rage, and tremendous abandonment issues.  Topping it all off her father just passed away and it seems like her world has come to an end.
I am here because she has once again moved her things out.  I came to her and said I cannot take the abusive comments anymore and she said if that's the way I feel about her that she needs to leave.  I told her I had to let her know how I felt, but I did'n't want her to leave.  Tons and tons more details, biut in short, I do believe she has almost all the traits of BDP, and I know I am contributing to our difficult marriage because I don't know how to communicate with anger, rage, and abandonment in my wife.  I need help and I would like suggestions on how I can deal with all of this better.  It's wearing on me, and I know I'm a good person with good heart and intentions, and I don't want to let her go because I love her and when it's good it's great, but it's rarely good these days. I am so accustomed to feeling like I should have remembered a conversation or a phrase that I used, or something I said that upset her or how could what I said be possibly taken in a bad way that I find myself doing that as I write this, with all of you.  This is where I need help. It's affecting how I live my life, and I consider myself a man's man and my self -esteem is slowly eroding from her comments and behavior towards me.  
Looking forward to comments.  Numer one is that I find someone, via zoom or otherwise, to learn to speak BDP language.  it's a new language for me...having to slowly and mithodically think about every word that comes out my mouth for fear it will be misconstrued or twisted.  Getting better, but not there yet and I want to show her (probably another fault of mine) that I am taking the steps to better myself (secretly in hopes that she will do the same).  Also, I had a conversation today with her and she actually asked me if she thought that she had a mental problem (she is a psych major and works in criminal defense).  I chose not to tell her that I was working on myself to better handle BPD, but I did say that I need to know how to better communicate with her when she is angry or raging and feeling emotions of abandonment because I simply didn't know that language and couldn't be expected to know how to answer and respond to things if I don't know that language to speak in.  I feel like I had an opportunity to tell her I thought she had BDP and still think I should call her back and tell her , in a loving way, that BDP is just a word put to the traits that she expresses to me, and that I think it may be helpful for someone who is going to help me with communication be experienced with all of these traits and even some I haven't shared with her that she expresses but are encompassed in  "Borderline personality Disorder".  If I can tell her that's what I am going to tell a professional I feel I am dealing with and having trouble dealing with it, then a professional will better understand and be much more efficient helping me through everything...and in turn she can "see" that I've made improvements.  To her I am the problem.  I need help letting her know that I am willing to work towards a better marriage regardless of what the problems are.
sorry for typos and sorry if this is hard to follow.  I am drawing on a lot of hard memories to write this.  I don't want to put our life story in here, but in general, I am a husband with children dealing with what I consider to be BDP in  my spouse and it's getting worse.  Please help.  I need to vent. I talk about this to my friends and they all say that I am getting taken advantage of and need to get divorced, but it's not that easy for me.  I love her, I am on my second marriage, and if she was getting help and traits minimized I feel we could live a happy life and show the kids that quiting isn't always the answer when things get difficult.  I don't want to give us a chance at the expense of loosing my children.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are difficult and are not easily returned to the honeymoon phase you experienced when you first got together with her. It takes a great deal of time and commitment to therapy for the BPD spouse to make positive changes in their behavior.

How do you feel about exposing your children to her unpredictable and violent behavior?

Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page. Utilizing what you learn here can help make things less volatile.

[NotAHero]

Agape,

 Welcome to the forms you came to the right place.

 I read your story and not only I can relate but I can see the details that are too many to mention.

 I understood you don’t have children in common correct ? Second question, did she show any commitment to getting help or therapy? In the stage she is in I’m afraid that you will find out that it is very unlikely that she will. It looks like she already painted you black. Will give you more details once you clarify the above.

[agapej]

Hey, I am so sorry i didn't get to this when you replied.  I thought I would get a notification once a reply came in, but I didn't.We have no children together.  I am 100% certain it's BDP I am dealing with.  AFter the death of her father, who was abusive, it's gotten pretty bad.  I am getting better at understanding it and the swings are more extreme now, with VERY little times when I am an angel and more often I am getting bashed.  Everything is my fault, and exhausting.  I am trying to uphold my morals and stay committed to her, but there  never seems to be a break.  I know I've aged 10 years in the past 3-4 years of our relationship...seriously.  My kids must be so confused.  I am trying to not abandone my wife, but she is making that choice an extremely difficult one.  I can say with almost 99% conviction that the two things that have kept me in the relationship is my codependancy and moreso my christian upbringing and moral obligations to my faith.  I am getting tired though, but scared to break it off.  It's a rollercoaster and absolutely nothing I do is right.  As bad as this sounds, I am getting healthier and beginning to learn about BDP and taking steps to stop emotional and verbal abuse as well as taking steps to help me communicate better when talking with my BDP wife. 
Does anyone out there have children (I have a 7 yr son and 12 yr daughter...of whom my bdp wife has verbally stated she is jealous of her and that's the reason for some treatment my daughter has had to experience)?  What have you seen as far as your children distancing themselves from you due to constant placating and assuring a bdp spouse you aren't abandoning them?

[agapej]

Dear "Not a Hero",
We went to couple counselling a few times years ago and then went to that same counselor seperately and on my seperate visit the counselor gave me the book, "Walking on Eggshells", designed to help the partners of someone with BDP.  My bdp spouse doesn't want me to get advice from this counselor again.  To be fair, we went to college together and were close friends growing up and are still friends to this day so there may be some conflict there.  Regardless, this was my first time ever hearing the term BDP.  She does have a therapist that she was seeing.  She is very smart and it's very difficult for us to get a therapist that can handle "us".  I say us because from what I understand it's not appropriate to say "bdp" and not take ownership of what I bring to the relationship such as possible ADHD and possible codependancy.  I asked my friend what he thought of our relationship...as a friend, and he said she was one of the most difficult people he would ever try to help manage in his 20 years of practice.  I asked becuase I was at the end of my rope and needed some idea if putting me and my children through hell to give us an opportunity to become healthier toghether would be worth the sacrifices.  That's when I didn't understand bdp.  Now I have studied it enough to understand and I can understand the traits as I experience them now.  It's not any easier to handle them, but it's much easier to tolerate the bahavior and be empathetic while not getting sucked into the verbal abuse and baiting, etc..

[agapej]

Also, to comment on your phrase, "painted black".  I have been painted black many times, been the victom of smear campaigns to mutual friends, and numerous others including my parents.  She has attempted to seperate me from family members that she says have "slighted" or betrayed her, and now she won't be around my immediate family  because one of them forgot to wish her condolences when her father passed (so she chose not to attend my birthday party because they would be there).  I have gotten better about not letting her choices isolate me from my family, but being painted black...I feel like it's such a regular occurance now.  Is there a "final painted black" with BDP's?  It's such a confusing disorder.  I am walking on eggshells constantly because she will regularly say, don't speak to me again, or you are the worst husband and I am setting a boundary that we can't speak, or don't ever call me again...but I know she is pushing me away from fear of her percieved threat of abandonment (for instance if I make the choice to continue to spend time with family members she has painted black). 

[bugwaterguy]

"Walking On Eggshells" is great.  I would also recommend "Walking On Eggshells Workbook" and "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder"  they all help in different ways, and there is some repeats of information.

With regard to speaking her language - these are the three steps I have learned
Step One: Regulate your own emotions - because she will not be able to regulate hers.  She will also take whatever you are feeling and magnify in a negate way.  You need to be able to calm yourself.  These are the steps

• 1. Pause.
  2. Pay attention to my emotions (what are you feeling?, don't try to change it, just be aware)
  3. Pay attention to my physical sensation (is your blood pressure up?, do you feel knots in your stomach?)
  4. Pay attention to your body posture and language (crossed arms or legs, eye contact, hunched)
  5. Half-smile. (not a smirk or a full smile - because that could be seen as invalidating - the kind of smile you give yourself when you are feeling sad and want to show care, but not that you are glad about a situation)
  6. Validate and cheerlead yourself. (in your head - tell yourself you are doing the best you can do right now)

Step Two: Validate everything she is feeling enthusiastically.  This goes beyond "active listening".  Don't do anything to discuss what she shouldn't feel that way.  Don't give her education or facts.  Look for ways to explain why she is feeling the way she is, and justify her feelings to her. 
NOTE:  Validation is not agreement - do not agree with anything that isn't true for you. 

For example:  If she says, "You love your kids more than me!"  You could respond, "It must feel horrible to think that I love my kids more than you.  The bond between a husband and wife is important, and in many marriages, kids can disrupt that relationship." 

Step Three: Respond with your hope - without discounting her feelings

For example: "I love you.  I know it doesn't feel great right now, and I am learning some things about how to improve our relationship that I am excited to try"