dysfunctional communication

[poppy2]

So I was at an event on Saturday and the organizers asked me to leave as there were allegations of stalking made against me. I have no idea if my ex was at this event or not and the organizers wouldn't tell me who made the allegations, but the only time in my life I've ever been accused of stalking was in a legal letter from my BPD ex, after I wrote her an angry email  describing a time she sexually assaulted me and demanding she talk to me about it. The letter denied the assault and said I was just 'forcing' contact because I couldn't accept she had broken up with me (! unbelievable. It took me 6 months and 15 sessions of therapy to even remember the assault properly, it was so overwhelming and hurtful. The fact she denied it was just insane to me. I first of all told her it was too hard, she ignored me, then I screamed at her to stop and pushed her off me and just lay there like a dead thing for 10 minutes afterwards... so it's not like an ambiguous 'he said she said' situation).

This was all obviously upsetting and I came home and checked Bpdfamily and saw a discussion about the karpman triangle. It really helped me, I had to laugh even - my ex was the victim, I was presented as the persecutor (stalker), and the organizers became the 'rescuers'. In a way, even though it uses emotions for nefarious and manipulative purposes, the karpman drama triangle is also a very cunning way of getting what they want (in the short term... in the long term smart people will see through it).

What I found strange about this experience is that afterwards, I made a Spotify playlist with songs titled 'sexual assault', 'you're guilty', 'Borderline', 'just talk to me', grow up' and so on. I did this because after the breakup - and this is where I participated in the dysfunction as well - I felt so in need of recognition and explanations that I made several playlists of songs describing my experience with my ex, knowing that several times in the relationship she shared playlists with me as a way of sharing her feelings thru music (she's an artist and she does this very well.. in real life, she has very very dimished resources to name or share her feelings.)

 She then posted different playlists in response, some of which were so obviously aimed at me directly that I felt like we were communicating. It was just too apposite to be a coincidence. Now, after I made this playlist about sexual assault, she has changed her profile completrly, hidden all her playlists, and generally gone into 'hiding'. Her profile isn't deleted though, her name has changed to 'fufu' (?), her picture has gone (used to be her drawings).

What I find super weird is that she would even check my playlists at all. I know this is dysfunctional thinking but I can't help because because I have the right to confront my perpetrator and I'm so dissatisfied she has blocked and forbidden me from contacting her, that's why I made this playlist as the only avenue left to me except court. I have certainly at times been obsessive, like checking if I'm still blocked or checking which music she posts, but I don't see this as stalking (or if so, a very benign form) because of my need - and I think this is justified - to have explanations and apologies from her about the assault and also about something she did that re-traumatized me, which is what I wrote the poem about here. Stalking is more like going to somebody's house or workplace and forcing entry or whatever.

Of course, with this 'playlist communication' I could just be drawing an effect from a cause that isn't there - I don't know why she shut down her Spotify account - but I think people really familiar with BPD will also be familiar with double binds, with subterranean means of communication, and plausible deniability (ie she can say sorry to me in a playlist but never admit to sexual assault or brutal discarding in real life).

The reason I'm making this post is to share my experience. It's also to just comment on the weirdness of it all - why would a person who completely refuses to speak to me care about what I post on my Spotify? I check it sometimes and her account was totally stable in the last 2-3 months, the only time it changed before that was when I sent the email accusing her of sexual assault and she again hid all her playlists, eventually opening them again. Now, again, after I make a playlist about sexual assault she hides all her playlists within 2-3 days and also changes her name and picture. It's just too weird a coincidence. Why now? if she is checking my music account so regularly, why the hell isn't she talking to me? I was the one who for many months wanted to talk everything out, now I really don't care but was triggered by being accused of stalking by the organizers of this event.

I would say I became quite paranoid and destabilized after being discarded because I thought - how could I live 10 months with someone intensely and then they just cut me out of their life? Only BPD helped me make sense of that. We all know how it goes. Also, I've never really been able to stop checking on her, in a way, just because I feel like I still haven't fully processed being left like that. It was all so hard, sudden, stressful and traumatizing. It's also confusing because after two abusive relarionships I obviously have a pattern of denial and returning to abusers.

I feel don't know what anybody else can say about this stuff, I just wanted to share my experience. The 'go NC and focus on yourself' school hasn't really applied to me, I think I'm on a much longer journey.Thanks for reading.

[Ad Meliora]

I made a Spotify playlist with songs titled 'sexual assault', 'you're guilty', 'Borderline', 'just talk to me', grow up' and so on.

Wow Poppy, that's quite a story.  Let's talk about the most important part first...what was on that playlist exactly?  ha ha.   I'm thinking "Borderline" is that Madonna's version?  I listened to that earlier this year a lot and am convinced the songwriter is talking about BPD.

The Karpman Drama triangle has showed up on several threads recently.  Similar scenarios were discussed in the book "Borderline Mother" as where the pwBPD gets injured (mostly out of their own rage at the non) and then tells the police it was the partner that did it.  Even when proven false, there's a stain that sticks.  I'm really sorry you had to get stuck in this when you were just trying to go about your day and some snapper-heads accuse you of being a stalker.  Just terrible.

As for the behaviors you've witnessed on your posting lists and social media, Grumpy Donut talked about "Disorganized Attachment" in a recent post.  Maybe check that out.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351127.0

I'm so glad I'm off all the social media platforms, it just sounds to be a nightmare post break-up with someone with BPD, especially.  I spent most of my life using a telephone as a phone and when I agreed to show up somewhere, I showed up.  I still do those things.  Judge me as you must, but what good are the connections if the connections only add to your pain and suffering? (I did enjoy a good 'cat video' tho...

[poppy2]

Haha... So, actually with this I didn't even bother to make a real playlist... I just picked titles for the things I wanted to say to her, and posted them. It is quite a story I know! so complicated, weird, and dysfunctional. I wasn't even sure I should post it, but I thought - why not.

I know that the artist 'Marina' most probably had BPD or at least is well loved by women with BPD. The song I included was actually by Tame Impala the blood orange remix (cool song).

The only reason I actually caught on to BPD was that my ex made a whole playlist of songs about being borderline, right around the time she split me.. thats actually why I researched BPD in the first place, and why I believe she's been diagnosed too. I can't share the playlist with you tho because it's hidden now and anyway, I never listened to it, I really didn't want to be exposed to it.

The Karpman Triangle is honestly so amazing.. it's insidious to be exposed to but it also made me realize how rescuing is also ultimately victimizing. It's discussed in most detail in the 'stop caretaking book'.. bascislly, caretakers enter the triangle as rescuers, borderlines as victims. I can really recommend that chapter if you haven't read it yet.

Thanks for your sympathy too.. I was just trying to go about my day and it really felt like being 'mobbed' to be asked to leave. And thanks too for your recommendation of the other topic - I think I need to look into disorganized attachment. What I don't understand about it is why she would still be checking up on me or listening to my music... but have me blocked and controlled in every other way. Of course I should just focus on myself, I'm honestly not even so bothered about it... it's just so weird.

[Ad Meliora]

I know that the artist 'Marina' most probably had BPD or at least is well loved by women with BPD. The song I included was actually by Tame Impala the blood orange remix (cool song).

I'm a Tame Impala fan.  "It might be time" was a song  I was into after it came out. Got me thinking it might be time to face it with my BPD (ex) partner at that time.

Let me know the chapter, and no I haven't read a book on it.

Disorganized Attachment seemed to fit the scenario as in Someone Nice's post.  He was blocked everywhere and didn't understand why she created another account and intentionally didn't block him.  Grumpy said Disorganized Attachment was reason.

[poppy2]

Ah okay, well that was a book that changed everything for me. It's Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by  Margarlis Fjelstad, chapter 2, 'why the bpd needs a caretaker'. Understanding why caretakers enter the triangle as rescuers is most relevant for a lot of nons.

I'll have a listen to the Tame Impala song now.. thanks. Also, I appreciate a lot that you use a normal phone... I became so anxiously attached to my smartphone, in a way it was a lifeline in Corona, in another way its a soulsucking and triggering anxiety factory   I think your way is much healthier.

I'm going to look into disorganized attachment... I wonder if it explains why they play these games? I mean, in some sense who cares, but I'll post an answer if I find one.

[Ad Meliora]

Also, I appreciate a lot that you use a normal phone... I became so anxiously attached to my smartphone, in a way it was a lifeline in Corona, in another way its a soulsucking and triggering anxiety factory   I think your way is much healthier.

I have a smartphone too. I was using a flip-phone and I asked my BPDex if I got a smartphone would she share more with me.  She said "yes", her lips were moving so you know that was a lie! (ha).  I use it to text, and as a camera,  more than any internet functions.  I still have a landline. I prefer that if I'm doing business calls, etc...  People are forgetting how to use an answering machine, and they think I have caller id, which I don't on that line.

[poppy2]

I have a smartphone too. I was using a flip-phone and I asked my BPDex if I got a smartphone would she share more with me.  She said "yes", her lips were moving so you know that was a lie! (ha).  I use it to text, and as a camera,  more than any internet functions.  I still have a landline. I prefer that if I'm doing business calls, etc...  People are forgetting how to use an answering machine, and they think I have caller id, which I don't on that line.

I'm sorry to hear about the lie... if it was like that all the time it must have been really tough for you... but at least now you can play candy crush 

 Good luck in the snowy mid-West! we don't really get snow anymore where I am, except sometimes in January.. which is sad, but at least no shoveling duties

[Cromwell]

you were "asked" to leave by the organisers of some sort of event.

the rest is a speculation, which has some strength to it, the stalking accussations have been brought up in the past by her.

its a big reason why I totally, 100%, cut off with bpd ex. it was partly a strategy to hopefully avoid the chance of accussations. It is far more difficult for stories to be crafted to a new relationship or anyone else, when there is zero interaction at all. When keeping some contact, such as texts or calls here and there - it is enough to parlay into something bigger and be used against.

I wanted my ex to f off and either die (ideally) im an idealist, and there would be 100% no more future problems or b) carry on existing but have no arrows to her toxic bow to fire.

a) is just dreaming and did not happen
b) is realistic, and worked, but was difficult to do. it was worth it, in the end she as much as a) gave up and did not interfere anymore. the importace was a complete cut off with zilch interaction, it forced her I assume to need to fixate elsewhere. I dont have that maladay of desperation, I can live and survive on my own two feet.

if there are no kids or marriage to dissolve etc, just take my advice and clear the decks thoroughly and thereafter, completely forget. its the best gift you can give yourself and it worked for me once I had the backbone to actually go ahead and take the relationship nuke option.

[poppy2]

Hi Cromwell,

Thanks a lot for your reply. I get the relationship nuke option, it works for some people and is necessary in some situations.

In this situation, however, I find the way that I was treated unacceptable and if I'm triggered about that I usually want to do something about it.

If there is a continuing interest of any sort there is a reason, for me the reason is to understand, surely, but mostly to stand up for myself in whatever way I can
... disorder be damned.

What I most look forward to is a 3 month adventure holiday to really do something for myself. Failing that (and it's totally unlikely rn) I'll keep posting, trying, and expressing (also to her or her friends if necessary) my side of the story.

Best wishes,
poppy