Daughter with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter has bpd. She is having therapy and we only recently got a diagnosis. We knew from a young age that something was wrong but around a ýear ago her outbursts and uncontrollable behaviour became much more regular and and more intense. I didn't know anything about bpd and was distraught watching her as I still am. She is 19 and has attempted suicide twice in the last 10 months. She has self harmed and I feel completely helpless as I seem to only make things worse when I try to talk to her and help her. She is making one disastrous decision after another. She's moved out as she says that we have a horrible relationship and always have, which is absolutely not true and has a completely different view of our relationship than me and the rest of the family. She's bought a dog and seven cats and has moved from one bad relationship to another. She had to leave her job. I go to bed every night and pray that she'll not do anything to harm herself that night. If I ring her anytime during the day or evening and she doesn't answer I fear the worst and jump in my car, sometimes shutting my business to go check on her. My hair has started to fall out and I don't sleep. I had a major melt down last night and screamed at my parents when they had done nothing. I blame myself and constantly analyse everytging I've done wrong as a mother and an anger is building up inside me towards myself. Last night it exploded and it was like I was the one with bpd and I feel like I'm heading for a major breakdown as I can't cope anymore. I need help. I've read everything I can find on how to help my daughter but its killing me as all I can do is watch her destroy her life as everytime I try to help she tells me I'm triggering her and to stop talking. If I was to carry on she would completely lose it so I have to shut up. I just don't know what to do

[Jenny3011]

My daughter has bpd. She is having therapy and we only recently got a diagnosis. We knew from a young age that something was wrong but around a ýear ago her outbursts and uncontrollable behaviour became much more regular and and more intense. I didn't know anything about bpd and was distraught watching her as I still am. She is 19 and has attempted suicide twice in the last 10 months. She has self harmed and I feel completely helpless as I seem to only make things worse when I try to talk to her and help her. She is making one disastrous decision after another. She's moved out as she says that we have a horrible relationship and always have, which is absolutely not true and has a completely different view of our relationship than me and the rest of the family. She's bought a dog and seven cats and has moved from one bad relationship to another. She had to leave her job. I go to bed every night and pray that she'll not do anything to harm herself that night. If I ring her anytime during the day or evening and she doesn't answer I fear the worst and jump in my car, sometimes shutting my business to go check on her. My hair has started to fall out and I don't sleep. I had a major melt down last night and screamed at my parents when they had done nothing. I blame myself and constantly analyse everytging I've done wrong as a mother and an anger is building up inside me towards myself. Last night it exploded and it was like I was the one with bpd and I feel like I'm heading for a major breakdown as I can't cope anymore. I need help. I've read everything I can find on how to help my daughter but its killing me as all I can do is watch her destroy her life as everytime I try to help she tells me I'm triggering her and to stop talking. If I was to carry on she would completely lose it so I have to shut up. I just don't know what to do

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Jenny3011. Yesterday I was reading Msparky's post and it brought to mind those years of intense anxiety when DD was on the streets, or hadn't come home etc.

I am taken to those times also reading your post. If my experience is similar, I felt like I was literally falling apart, mentally and physically. It is such an experience of powerlessness.

I mentioned in reply to Msparky that I discovered a Bach Flower remedy for myself - Red Chestnut - I still use it today (Yes I am still on a BPD journey!)when I start to wake at 4am with mind racing, body feeling like I can't make my muscles work as a team and the sheer mental and physical exhaustion.

I forgot to mention that before coming across the remedy I read something put out by ARAFMI (Association of the Relatives and Friends of the Mentally Ill). It was called 'Letting Go'.

It was a series of statements such as:

Letting go means I can't do it for someone else.
Letting go means to love more and to fear less.

There were about 15 or so I think. Anyway whenever I realise I am in a state of deep anxiety, I reach for the Red Chestnut and repeat these statements over and over again - like a mantra.

Coming here also was a great help. I felt that I was not alone. We are all carrying a heavy burden, day by day.

I hope you have a support system - GP? Counsellor? - to help guide you.  Some people here are so helped by these supports.

I personally found that the more I let go, the more I was able to relate to DD. So I have changed from seeing myself as the person who is responsible for finding answers and stopping the train wreck, to the person who is just walking beside her, accepting her for herself no matter what - just being there.

It's been a rocky road - still is, but I am in a better space now than I have been for a long time.

We can't influence the choices and direction of our loved ones - and this is so painful. But we can just 'be there' - and there is peace in that.

Sending hugs and thoughts . . . .