Learning to accept my CPTSD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I wanted to share with you something significant that I recently went through. It's a long and somewhat detailed post, but I hope you will stIck with me through the reading.

About 3 weeks ago, I took the plunge to adopt a dog. I felt I was more than ready. I have been thinking and dreaming about this for years, and I love dogs and animals in general. After growing up on a large farm and being around all kinds of animals, they have been a source of comfort and joy to me. Even though we never had a dog living in our house (they were farm dogs), I have been around and enjoyed/taken care of the dogs of my neighbors and friends for years. The dogs seem to sense that I am a safe person, and my heart was to adopt one that needed a place to call home.

I chose to adopt a 3 year old dog that wouldn't shed and would get along with children. Those were my absolute have tos because my grandchildren would come to visit. She was a sweetheart with some behavioral issues, and within the first 12 hours I realized I was in over my head, but I didn't know why.

The behavioral issues really weren't the problem although they certainly didn't help. The issue was that I started to feel almost panicked and didn't have a clue why. I'm a very patient and kind person, and the dog seemed happy, even if she did get bored as the days went on.

Emotionally I felt as if I were in this state of free falling with no solid memories upon which to place my body's reactions. (Anyone heard of the book The Body Keeps the Score?)  I couldn't grasp why I would sometimes feel close to panicked because that was a newer reaction to me, one that only managed to heighten my distress. I felt shame that I had adopted a dog only to not be able to manage both the dog and it seemed, more importantly, myself. My family was excited for me, and there was also the sense that I was going to disappoint all of them too if I couldn't manage the dog.

I think by day 4 I realized clearly that my mental state of mind was far more important than trying to keep the dog. I made the call to the foster mom and said while I didn't understand it, I couldn't keep the dog. The foster mom was so gracious and understanding. She had come from her own 'stuff,' just like those of us here, and she said it was far better that I found out early on rather than after the dog and I were attached. It took me a few days to start to come down from my hypervigilant state after the dog had gone. While I was very tempted to do the self shame and blame thing, I was at least able to say that my mental safety was the most important aspect. So that was one good shift that showed significant growth from when I first ended up here on the boards.

It was real important that I put a number of quiet days of self care into my life and not think too much about what just happened. I felt fragile emotionally, as if I could easily be re-triggered. I very consciously spent a good deal of time outdoors so that I wouldn't feel trapped in my house. There were physical outlets like walking and gardening and archery to use large muscle groups and work at quieting my inner being.

Some weeks before, I had scheduled a check-in-to-touch-base T appointment with the marriage T my ex and I had seen. It had been 6 months since I had seen him. Since I didn't have an appointment with my individual T for a few more weeks, it actually proved quite helpful to me. I casually mentioned that I had tried to adopt a dog and then had to send her back. As we talked, little things started slipping out, like the fact that the first night with the dog I had had a dream (in color and very vivid) with both my parents in it, one of them being my uBPDm. It has been many years since I was distressed enough to dream about both of them at the same time. The next two nights were dreams of my ex and of course there was nothing positive in those dreams either. Then I mentioned that I noticed I felt trapped by the dog, that I couldn't escape her, and the thought of maybe 10 more years of taking care of her and being trapped pushed me over the edge. I constantly wanted to escape my very safe house that I love. So the pieces began to fall into place as my T and I talked.

Feeling trapped was a very key word. It wasn't just that I was trapped by the dog. No, it went much deeper than that. The dreams were evidence of that, going back to feeling trapped in my marriage and then most importantly even further to feeling trapped as a child. No wonder I didn't have any specific memories but rather the emotional state of being that accompanied so many of us in our childhoods of growing up with a pwBPD.

In the days following that T appointment, I went back to my bookshelf once again and pulled out Pete Walker's book about CPTSD. There was a piece of paper that stuck out from between the pages that I turned to so I could see what it was. Ah! I had forgotten! Here was the key, and how could I have missed it? I was having an emotional flashback. As I read through the list of "13 Steps To Manage an Emotional Flashback," it all fell into place. Step 12 says, "Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met." There was inner child work for me to do, to go back and help my Lil' Wools feel untrapped, to help her escape the places where she had been trapped. I had never imagined that the 'adopting a dog experiment' would've triggered so much.

When I some days later met with my individual T, I walked him through what had happened and expressed my grief that I wasn't beyond the effects of my childhood trauma, even after all this time and years of hard work and T. He gently reminded me that just because I have flashbacks doesn't negate the forward progress. He also said that even with having had 2, maybe 3, pretty major flashbacks this year, they always go away and I return to my previous state of mind and being so much healthier than I used to be. These flashbacks will be a part of who I am because of what I went through. It doesn't mean anything except that I have them, and they're only memories that give me temporary distress. They're not fun (and it's appropriate to acknowledge that), but they don't control me anymore.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, I'm finding that my increasing awareness of myself is shifting to this place of becoming more accepting of me, of who I am. Rather than being worried about the next time I have a flashback or that someone won't like me, or that that'll be afraid of me since I have CPTSD, no, it's a part of me but it's not all.of me. The non-CPTSD side of me is so much greater and wonderful than I ever knew, and that's who I really am.

Wools

 

[Woolspinner2000]

I wanted to share with you something significant that I recently went through. It's a long and somewhat detailed post, but I hope you will stIck with me through the reading.

About 3 weeks ago, I took the plunge to adopt a dog. I felt I was more than ready. I have been thinking and dreaming about this for years, and I love dogs and animals in general. After growing up on a large farm and being around all kinds of animals, they have been a source of comfort and joy to me. Even though we never had a dog living in our house (they were farm dogs), I have been around and enjoyed/taken care of the dogs of my neighbors and friends for years. The dogs seem to sense that I am a safe person, and my heart was to adopt one that needed a place to call home.

I chose to adopt a 3 year old dog that wouldn't shed and would get along with children. Those were my absolute have tos because my grandchildren would come to visit. She was a sweetheart with some behavioral issues, and within the first 12 hours I realized I was in over my head, but I didn't know why.

The behavioral issues really weren't the problem although they certainly didn't help. The issue was that I started to feel almost panicked and didn't have a clue why. I'm a very patient and kind person, and the dog seemed happy, even if she did get bored as the days went on.

Emotionally I felt as if I were in this state of free falling with no solid memories upon which to place my body's reactions. (Anyone heard of the book The Body Keeps the Score?)  I couldn't grasp why I would sometimes feel close to panicked because that was a newer reaction to me, one that only managed to heighten my distress. I felt shame that I had adopted a dog only to not be able to manage both the dog and it seemed, more importantly, myself. My family was excited for me, and there was also the sense that I was going to disappoint all of them too if I couldn't manage the dog.

I think by day 4 I realized clearly that my mental state of mind was far more important than trying to keep the dog. I made the call to the foster mom and said while I didn't understand it, I couldn't keep the dog. The foster mom was so gracious and understanding. She had come from her own 'stuff,' just like those of us here, and she said it was far better that I found out early on rather than after the dog and I were attached. It took me a few days to start to come down from my hypervigilant state after the dog had gone. While I was very tempted to do the self shame and blame thing, I was at least able to say that my mental safety was the most important aspect. So that was one good shift that showed significant growth from when I first ended up here on the boards.

It was real important that I put a number of quiet days of self care into my life and not think too much about what just happened. I felt fragile emotionally, as if I could easily be re-triggered. I very consciously spent a good deal of time outdoors so that I wouldn't feel trapped in my house. There were physical outlets like walking and gardening and archery to use large muscle groups and work at quieting my inner being.

Some weeks before, I had scheduled a check-in-to-touch-base T appointment with the marriage T my ex and I had seen. It had been 6 months since I had seen him. Since I didn't have an appointment with my individual T for a few more weeks, it actually proved quite helpful to me. I casually mentioned that I had tried to adopt a dog and then had to send her back. As we talked, little things started slipping out, like the fact that the first night with the dog I had had a dream (in color and very vivid) with both my parents in it, one of them being my uBPDm. It has been many years since I was distressed enough to dream about both of them at the same time. The next two nights were dreams of my ex and of course there was nothing positive in those dreams either. Then I mentioned that I noticed I felt trapped by the dog, that I couldn't escape her, and the thought of maybe 10 more years of taking care of her and being trapped pushed me over the edge. I constantly wanted to escape my very safe house that I love. So the pieces began to fall into place as my T and I talked.

Feeling trapped was a very key word. It wasn't just that I was trapped by the dog. No, it went much deeper than that. The dreams were evidence of that, going back to feeling trapped in my marriage and then most importantly even further to feeling trapped as a child. No wonder I didn't have any specific memories but rather the emotional state of being that accompanied so many of us in our childhoods of growing up with a pwBPD.

In the days following that T appointment, I went back to my bookshelf once again and pulled out Pete Walker's book about CPTSD. There was a piece of paper that stuck out from between the pages that I turned to so I could see what it was. Ah! I had forgotten! Here was the key, and how could I have missed it? I was having an emotional flashback. As I read through the list of "13 Steps To Manage an Emotional Flashback," it all fell into place. Step 12 says, "Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met." There was inner child work for me to do, to go back and help my Lil' Wools feel untrapped, to help her escape the places where she had been trapped. I had never imagined that the 'adopting a dog experiment' would've triggered so much.

When I some days later met with my individual T, I walked him through what had happened and expressed my grief that I wasn't beyond the effects of my childhood trauma, even after all this time and years of hard work and T. He gently reminded me that just because I have flashbacks doesn't negate the forward progress. He also said that even with having had 2, maybe 3, pretty major flashbacks this year, they always go away and I return to my previous state of mind and being so much healthier than I used to be. These flashbacks will be a part of who I am because of what I went through. It doesn't mean anything except that I have them, and they're only memories that give me temporary distress. They're not fun (and it's appropriate to acknowledge that), but they don't control me anymore.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, I'm finding that my increasing awareness of myself is shifting to this place of becoming more accepting of me, of who I am. Rather than being worried about the next time I have a flashback or that someone won't like me, or that that'll be afraid of me since I have CPTSD, no, it's a part of me but it's not all.of me. The non-CPTSD side of me is so much greater and wonderful than I ever knew, and that's who I really am.

Wools

 

[poppy2]

Hi Wools,

It's really heartwarming to read your story, thanks so much for sharing. I think Pete Walker also writes something of this effect in the book, that managing Cptsd is a lifelong process and that there is no such thing as a 'salvation fantasy'... but it does get smaller and more manageable, at the same time.

Happy to read about your progress and story,
poppy

[zachira]

Woolspinner,
Thank you for sharing your story about how the dog affected your CPTSD. We are truly a group of people challenged by so much trauma, and what affects us can be very different than how most people would be affected, yet our responses are truly normal for a person with CPTSD and are protective of our wellbeing. It sounds like your mind and body are telling you that you come first, and caretaking a dog isn't what would be the right thing for you right now. Sometimes, I wish for a few seconds that I could just be numb like before, not notice so much how I am the scapegoat of certain people, and not be so challenged by having to learn how to have healthy relationships with healthy people, and than I realize, that I do not want to go back to what it was like before, and I am grateful for the challenges. So many people with CPTSD never realize it and spend their whole lives tormented by the symptoms. You are doing everything to have the life you deserve and helping others to do the same.

[GaGrl]

I am convinced my mother had CPTSD.   At age four, she lost her mother, who was advanced in a second pregnancy, to pneumonia. She then had a uBPD/NPD stepmother who further traumatized her. I think only a very safe and loving marriage kept her as balanced as she was. And even then, I could see how her triggers affected her. I so wish she had a higher level of awareness.

[wmm]

Hi Woolspinner2000,
I learned in psychology and trauma courses at school, and also with my own work with therapists, that unfortunately our CPTSD never fully goes away. A metaphor that I like is that we develop a toolbox. As we go along we fill our toolbox with more and more strategies for how to deal with our CPTSD and with that toolbox we are able to deal with our CPTSD and develop coping mechanisms that help us survive and thrive in life. It sounds like you have a pretty good toolbox. Deciding to return the dog for your own well-being shows that you were able to use some of your tools by setting healthy boundaries for yourself. I have personally decided to not have children because I spent my childhood and twenties looking after my younger siblings and my bpdM. I need my adult life to look after myself and enjoy it. People do judge sometimes and see it as selfish but they haven't experienced what we have and it's not their lives. I'm currently digging through my toolbox and although it has been hard lately, I've been coping much better than I would have before. Your toolbox will only continue to get bigger and better.

[Turkish]

When i got Big Puppy (then only 8 weeks),a guy at work said, "you got a puppy! Oh, you just got married!"

I wish for a great companion puppydog in your future, but you know this:

It sounds like your mind and body are telling you that you come first, and caretaking a dog isn't what would be the right thing for you right now

Dogs can exhibit unconditional love, when when neglected, sadly... sounds familiar.

Take care of yourself for now, Wools.

[Woolspinner2000]

poppy2,

Thank you for this reminder:

I think Pete Walker also writes something of this effect in the book, that managing Cptsd is a lifelong process and that there is no such thing as a 'salvation fantasy'... but it does get smaller and more manageable, at the same time.

He does indeed say that, and it's a helpful fact to remember. My T has said the same thing to me, that the frequency will get less and less which has been quite true for me. The ones that get me are the ambushing types of emotional responses that seemingly come out of nowhere. My body knows they don't come out of nowhere, that there's a very good reason for the response, but it can take some time for my mind to catch up. I think that's why the tremendous need for self-compassion and care is so critical during emotional flashback times. We get to finally offer to ourselves the comfort that we needed desperately so long ago.

zachira, I appreciate your understanding response as well.

We are truly a group of people challenged by so much trauma, and what affects us can be very different than how most people would be affected, yet our responses are truly normal for a person with CPTSD and are protective of our wellbeing.

This can actually be really helpful if I could just remember that these flashbacks are indeed moments of protection for me. Unfortunately the survival insticts we learned as a child aren't as helpful now as an adult, but that's why we are here on the boards, learning about ourselves and how we can change those responses to be more healthy. You alluded to them when you said:

Sometimes, I wish for a few seconds that I could just be numb like before, not notice so much how I am the scapegoat of certain people, and not be so challenged by having to learn how to have healthy relationships with healthy people, and than I realize, that I do not want to go back to what it was like before, and I am grateful for the challenges.

There have been more than a few times when I almost wish that I hadn't learned how to feel and to understand what my emotions were saying. T is what opened that door to me. To finally be able to cry real tears of grief, to pinpoint what my emotions are saying rather than having to stuff them because "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" was the message my uBPDm said. Like you, I can not go back to that state of numbness either. There is SO much healthy and happy life outside of those prison walls. We were most certainly trapped within those walls for way too long.

Thank goodness we have chosen to take the path of healing and getting free.

 
Wools

[Woolspinner2000]

GaGrl, did your mom suffer from BPD too? My mom's story was similar, and I'm quite sure some of her CPTSD responses were due to the trauma she received from her step mom who was probably BPD or N. The responses would trigger her worst BPD behaviours towards us. She also had a lot of PTSD from a terrible event when she was in high school when she nearly died from a gunshot wound. The young man with her that night on a date did die from The first gunshot. She had to testify against the former boyfriend/fiancee who shot them both. She never got over that, and who would?

I think only a very safe and loving marriage kept her as balanced as she was.

This sounds like it was what she needed.

wmm, you certainly have been going through the wringer of late. I'm really pleased to see how you are reaching out and also taking such big steps to care for yourself. 

I am so thankful for my toolbox that I have! If one thing doesn't work, I try another. Sometimes I forget or don't see the most obvious tools in front of me, and I'm not sure why that is. I just forget. Perhaps that is part of the trauma response as well, the forgetting part. I feel like I need to write them on the walls or something. Thankfully I have good people like my T who patiently keep reminding me over and over.

Turkish, that line about:

...Oh, you just got married!"

Boy, that's definitely what I was experiencing! I even thought that if I felt that trapped with the dog, I'm certainly not inclined to start dating and step into another relationship. Funny how strong those messages can be. Yet as already mentioned, they're a protection for me right now. Maybe when I retire I will try another time with a dog. No need for now. I shall just keep petting my neighbor's dogs and giving them treats and letting them climb in my lap.

 
Wools

[GaGrl]

Wools, my mother had a couple of BPD traits but was not full-fledged BPD, thank goodness. She was never able to handle criticism, disapproval, conflict, or her own anger. Her response in those situations was to go deep into herself, pout, and give the silent treatment. I believe those traits were triggered by her steps mother's treatment of her -- which was verbally and emotionally abusive. My mother was allowed no voice as a child, and it took her many years to find it.

However, she never raged or was abusive to her family members, no self-harming, did not demean or criticize others, none of those behaviors. It was more that she froze (CPTSD) and didn't know how to handle an interaction when encountered with situations that took her back to her childhood experiences with her step-mother.

[HappyChappy]

Love your post Wools, I’d just been triggered by someone saying PTSD is made up just to get attention,  so the validation your post gives is very helpful.  

Maybe you could adopt a cartoon dog, so you can just close the book and pop it back on the shelf if you feel trapped ? Then work your way up to adopting a cat ?  I use to have an enormous black and white rescue cat, from a distance he looked like a friesian cow. He followed me around like a dog. Stroking furry animals is apparently good for anxiety and PTSD maybe you could adopted one of those tactile pillows that feels like you're stroking a cat (that thinks it's a dog) ?  

[Woolspinner2000]

Oh HC, your post made me smile!  I can only imagine your big rescue cat that looked like a cow!  Were you perhaps thinking of a cartoon dog that might look like Snoopy?

I'm glad my post was helpful. I know you also deal with CPTSD. Thinking of you. 

Wools