Can't stop thinking about my BPD Ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey guys,
This is my first post on here, so let me first say how much I appreciate what you do here.
I'm in a bad place emotionally. About 1 year ago, I met a charming and beautiful gal with diagnosed BPD at a yoga studio I used to work for. We seemed to hit it off right off the bat, and we began dating very soon. She mentioned she was going through a divorce, and had a lot of trauma from her childhood. This made me a little apprehensive, but I proceeded and we began dating. Things were really great for the first few months, but as many of you are aware this is where things started going downhill. At first, she mirrored me. We seemed to be the perfect match. We spent so much time together, said, "l love you" very early in the relationship, and became physical really fast. This was something I wasn't comfortable that she kind of pushed, but since I really liked her I just went with it. She expressed a deep fear of abandonment, pushed boundaries frequently, had many unstable short lived relationships of all types in the past, was self-destructive/threatened suicide, frequently played the victim, and projected a future together with a family and kids. She even tried to move her 2 dogs, cat, and 5 guinea pigs, and herself into my condo after we'd known each other 5 weeks. There is so much more, but I'm sure you get the picture. Anyway after about 6 months, she decided to get back together with her ex. I was devastated, but honored her wishes. We stayed in contact against my wishes which is something I deeply regret as I sit here today. She constantly told me how unhappy she was, missed me terribly, and felt she had no choice but to go back to him for financial reasons. She longed for the day we would be together and start out family. I told her I couldn't be with her until this was resolved, but stayed emotionally attached and enmeshed with all of her trauma. We talked every day, with her initiating almost all conversations and texts. She made it very hard to let go. At one point she even told me they basically had a roommate type situation. She was due a large sum of money through a family settlement, and she frequently talked about how this would be the catalyst for us to start new. We'd even talked about this as recently as 6-7 weeks ago. She finally got the settlement about 8 weeks ago, and when she told me about this I was actually excited. But, she didn't mention how it would help us be together. Instead, she was very short and said she was moving out, getting her own place, maybe moving back up north to be close to family. She has since moved about 5 minutes from me in my neighborhood, has an apartment somewhere close. I have had the unfortunate privilege of already seeing her with someone new that I do not know. The first time it was 3 days after our last conversation, and the next time 3 weeks later in person. I have been completely shattered and devastated. I wasn't ready for all of this, and I can't help but wonder why she moved so close to me. How can someone  say, "You're what I've been waiting for my whole life" one minute, and then just walk off with someone else the next? She has to still be married, too. I know this all sounds crazy, but I have this deep rooted attachment to her that I can't shake. I know everything about her, talked to her almost every day for a year, and now...silence. I love her, worry about her, and it's killing me. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and all I can do is wonder where she is, who she's with, and if she's really moving away. I pray she does for my sanity..We haven't spoken since I saw her in person with this new guy. My question is: How do I stop obsessing over her? How to I channel my thoughts towards other things? I'm losing lots of sleep. I've never been on meds but in an hour I am going to see my doc to possibly start some antidepressants. Thanks for any advice you can give me.

[ebtaylor]

Hey guys,
This is my first post on here, so let me first say how much I appreciate what you do here.
I'm in a bad place emotionally. About 1 year ago, I met a charming and beautiful gal with diagnosed BPD at a yoga studio I used to work for. We seemed to hit it off right off the bat, and we began dating very soon. She mentioned she was going through a divorce, and had a lot of trauma from her childhood. This made me a little apprehensive, but I proceeded and we began dating. Things were really great for the first few months, but as many of you are aware this is where things started going downhill. At first, she mirrored me. We seemed to be the perfect match. We spent so much time together, said, "l love you" very early in the relationship, and became physical really fast. This was something I wasn't comfortable that she kind of pushed, but since I really liked her I just went with it. She expressed a deep fear of abandonment, pushed boundaries frequently, had many unstable short lived relationships of all types in the past, was self-destructive/threatened suicide, frequently played the victim, and projected a future together with a family and kids. She even tried to move her 2 dogs, cat, and 5 guinea pigs, and herself into my condo after we'd known each other 5 weeks. There is so much more, but I'm sure you get the picture. Anyway after about 6 months, she decided to get back together with her ex. I was devastated, but honored her wishes. We stayed in contact against my wishes which is something I deeply regret as I sit here today. She constantly told me how unhappy she was, missed me terribly, and felt she had no choice but to go back to him for financial reasons. She longed for the day we would be together and start out family. I told her I couldn't be with her until this was resolved, but stayed emotionally attached and enmeshed with all of her trauma. We talked every day, with her initiating almost all conversations and texts. She made it very hard to let go. At one point she even told me they basically had a roommate type situation. She was due a large sum of money through a family settlement, and she frequently talked about how this would be the catalyst for us to start new. We'd even talked about this as recently as 6-7 weeks ago. She finally got the settlement about 8 weeks ago, and when she told me about this I was actually excited. But, she didn't mention how it would help us be together. Instead, she was very short and said she was moving out, getting her own place, maybe moving back up north to be close to family. She has since moved about 5 minutes from me in my neighborhood, has an apartment somewhere close. I have had the unfortunate privilege of already seeing her with someone new that I do not know. The first time it was 3 days after our last conversation, and the next time 3 weeks later in person. I have been completely shattered and devastated. I wasn't ready for all of this, and I can't help but wonder why she moved so close to me. How can someone  say, "You're what I've been waiting for my whole life" one minute, and then just walk off with someone else the next? She has to still be married, too. I know this all sounds crazy, but I have this deep rooted attachment to her that I can't shake. I know everything about her, talked to her almost every day for a year, and now...silence. I love her, worry about her, and it's killing me. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and all I can do is wonder where she is, who she's with, and if she's really moving away. I pray she does for my sanity..We haven't spoken since I saw her in person with this new guy. My question is: How do I stop obsessing over her? How to I channel my thoughts towards other things? I'm losing lots of sleep. I've never been on meds but in an hour I am going to see my doc to possibly start some antidepressants. Thanks for any advice you can give me.

[Cant breathe]

Welcome, ebtaylor. I am sorry you are in a terrible place emotionally, but you have found the right group. We have all been through this. I'm not going to lie, the journey is going to be tough. But you WILL come out the other side.

I'm not going to say I am healed, but I will say that I am much better off today than I was on my final discard (there were many) in August. Learning about BPD helps so that at least you stop questioning why or waiting for a heartfelt answer from someone who is unable to give you one. She isn't the person you think she is and she isn't feeling the relationship the way you are or you think she should be. I'm sorry about that. I feel for you. I feel for everyone here.

I will say this, time, this group and a great therapist (go weekly if you can) will help. I know very well that your brain is stuck on thoughts of her, that you think of her even when you wake up in the middle of the night. Your brain is stuck because it can't make sense of it all.  You went into this honestly while she was always pretending.  One thing that helped me to train my brain was to find some great memory (not of her) and try to force your mind to switch to that every time I thought of my ex. I also found throwing myself into a lot of activity helped. If I was busy, I was better off.  I wish I had good answers to make it magically better, but you will get through this.

Someone else on this board once wrote something to me that helped me a great deal. If I can find it, I will send it to you.

[ebtaylor]

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. It has been hard coming the realization that the whole thing was a fantasy in her head, while it was so real to me. Even though it feels awful, it is also comforting in a way knowing that I am not crazy. What is crazy to me is as I was going through this, I didn't realize what was happening. I even remember a friend of hers asking me if she was a narcissist before I had any comprehension of what that word meant. As I look back now, and put all the puzzle pieces together, things start to make more sense. I can manage through the days, even though it's hard. Nights are very hard. I am so afraid I'm going to run into her since she lives somewhere in my neighborhood.

I guess people like this keep doing this to people? It seems as if she jumped from one fire to another to another, and never really took the time to sit with her feelings and take any responsibility for our relationship. I can only imagine this cycle will repeat with this new person. I think that's what gets me the most. I can only assume this isn't the first time she has done this.

I keep thinking I did everything under the sun for this girl, and was there every time she needed me. Whether it was picking her up in the middle of night, calming her down during a panic attack, or taking care of her in the middle of the night when she was sick.

I think what hurts so much is giving to the point where I had nothing left to give, and then being left out in the cold and replaced like I never existed.

[Ad Meliora]

Welcome ebtaylor.  This problem you have is a common one, and one I suffered from for a long time even after the relationship (r/s) ended.  I was wayward for about a 1yr before I got here, so at least you've gotten this far!  Here's an elixir of information that might help you to understand what you're going through.  This and reading other people's stories on the board should help with that portion in the short term.  If you haven't looked it up already, take a look at "Trauma Bond" on this site and elsewhere.  You're still participating in the r/s, she is not.  You are bonded and attached while your partner has moved on.  The what and why? You may never know, she may not even know.  It's likely she's searching for as many caretakers as possible to help her get over that childhood trauma she told you about, including you, her ex, some random dude on the block etc...

Every time you have contact with her the pain will start again and the wound will open, that's why No Contact is encouraged.  It's really the only way for you to move forward, by establishing a firm boundary so your emotional well-being doesn't get further trampled.

You want a short-cut?  Check out the "lonely child" thread here and read 2010's post from years back.  This may have some answers for you on the what and why.  Not everyone has the lonely child schema running, but many here do.  I'm one of them.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

In the workshop section there's a short video on "Rumination", that may be helpful for you too.

The lonely child info and others may point you in the direction of your Family of Origin (FOO).  This is maybe a little more advanced and will require some deeper contemplation.  Your r/s with your ex.:  terrible, awful, soul-crushing experience.
?  She put you down, treated you like trash, and tossed you out like you were a candy-bar wrapper, right?  This is by far the worst r/s you've ever had and would nominate it for one of the worst human beings have had since the creation of time...right?  Stop if I'm wrong.

You may want to try and think back if there was someone in your family, someone close who treated people like your ex treated you.  Were you forced to witness or put up with those behaviors in the past?  Contemplate.

Your ex, did she seem magnetic like an ideal partner?  Did she seem like someone you'd been waiting for and have a lot of good qualities that you see in yourself or have qualities you would like to enhance?  Did you see some of yourself in her?  I'm going down the lonely child route a bit here, but you did talk about mirroring in your post so I'm just asking.

Stuff gets stirred up by BPD partners.  I think it's a good idea to talk to your doc, I'd advise seeking individual counseling as well.  It's taken months here for me to get things lined up, our health care system is straining due to covid so I would think about making appointments even if you decide later you don't need it.

You're not going to be able to "fix" your BPDex, but you can fix yourself and heal yourself.  There's a lot of good info here, read people's stories and share yours as you see fit and are comfortable with. 

Good Luck!

[ebtaylor]

Yes, I'd say I have a trauma bond with her for sure. I'm sure I have codependency issues, as I came from divorced parents. My goal is to do so self evaluation and make sure I don't get into a situation like this again. I have a good therapist, and thanks for suggesting this. It has helped me talk through things. There were so many red flags early on that I ignored. There were several incidents where my boundaries were crossed so bad that I actually ended things. Every time, she would come back with a massive campaign to get me back. Every time I took the bait, and each time my boundaries got weaker. My self respect began to slowly fade, and here I am today. Completely broken. I honestly don't know if i'll ever be able to trust anyone in an intimate relationship again.

[ebtaylor]

I also forgot to mention I have gone no contact, and have been for 2 solid weeks. Prior to running into her 2 weeks ago randomly (or so I presume randomly), I had almost been no contact for a full month. I initiated this, btw.