Dark secret

[Depression = 72% of members]

I need to get something off my chest.  I feel this is probably the only safe place I can write it out.  I already know I am probably going to get some serious backlash about this, but honestly, probably nothing worse than I have already told myself.

I lost my housing assistance in October.  I found out beginning of September when they told me.  I basically felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.  The job I was working wasn't going to pay enough to cover rent, bills, and basic expenses.  I was facing eviction and losing everything I worked so hard for.  I had already been on a site in the past so I talked to my girlfriend and I went back on there.  I know what the site was when I signed up for it, I wasn't clueless.

The site is for men to find women who want to date.  But the seedy underlying purpose is for men to give monetary gifts to women in exchange for services.   And those services skate along the line of $3x work.  I ended up finding different men who were willing to exchange monetary value for me to basically be intimate with them.  I ended up making enough in September to pay for all my bills and rent for October.  I did the same cycle over in October and was able to pay for my rent, bills, brakes on my car, and throwing my son a birthday party.  I am doing it all over again this month.

I am doing what I have to do to survive and being extremely careful at the same time.   I know the risks, I know what could happen, I have spent the last few months talking to my friend and tearing myself up inside because of what I have to do.  But I am able to support myself until I am able to find help, because if I don't, I will lose everything.  It's an awful thing, but for the first time in years, I am able to take care of everything on my own.

I feel the universe saw me and said.. she's healing, she's getting better, she's supporting herself, she's becoming happy and accepting her life.. let me just throw a curveball.  A man I've know a year that works at my gym, a man who is everything I have been asking for and saying I deserve, but didn't feel like I ever did.  He asked me on a date and we have shown extreme interest in each other.  I have put myself in a horrible position where I can't tell him, I can't stop doing this because it's what I have to do, but he said he would wait for me and I don't want to start off with a huge a$$ lie.

Do you ever ask yourself.. is the universe just laughing at you and throwing $hit at you at the worse possible time?

[Frankee]

I need to get something off my chest.  I feel this is probably the only safe place I can write it out.  I already know I am probably going to get some serious backlash about this, but honestly, probably nothing worse than I have already told myself.

I lost my housing assistance in October.  I found out beginning of September when they told me.  I basically felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.  The job I was working wasn't going to pay enough to cover rent, bills, and basic expenses.  I was facing eviction and losing everything I worked so hard for.  I had already been on a site in the past so I talked to my girlfriend and I went back on there.  I know what the site was when I signed up for it, I wasn't clueless.

The site is for men to find women who want to date.  But the seedy underlying purpose is for men to give monetary gifts to women in exchange for services.   And those services skate along the line of $3x work.  I ended up finding different men who were willing to exchange monetary value for me to basically be intimate with them.  I ended up making enough in September to pay for all my bills and rent for October.  I did the same cycle over in October and was able to pay for my rent, bills, brakes on my car, and throwing my son a birthday party.  I am doing it all over again this month.

I am doing what I have to do to survive and being extremely careful at the same time.   I know the risks, I know what could happen, I have spent the last few months talking to my friend and tearing myself up inside because of what I have to do.  But I am able to support myself until I am able to find help, because if I don't, I will lose everything.  It's an awful thing, but for the first time in years, I am able to take care of everything on my own.

I feel the universe saw me and said.. she's healing, she's getting better, she's supporting herself, she's becoming happy and accepting her life.. let me just throw a curveball.  A man I've know a year that works at my gym, a man who is everything I have been asking for and saying I deserve, but didn't feel like I ever did.  He asked me on a date and we have shown extreme interest in each other.  I have put myself in a horrible position where I can't tell him, I can't stop doing this because it's what I have to do, but he said he would wait for me and I don't want to start off with a huge a$$ lie.

Do you ever ask yourself.. is the universe just laughing at you and throwing $hit at you at the worse possible time?

[Cat Familiar]

You have tried to do everything though normal channels and it just hadn’t worked yet. You couldn’t see other options and you found something that paid your bills and kept you from being evicted.

To look at your situation from a different perspective, how is this different than when women stay in unhappy relationships just to get their financial needs taken care of?

You now need an exit plan.

And this guy you’re interested in. If he’s someone who really likes you, he can wait. And you can get to know him better as a friend. Yes, it will be difficult. But you can tell him that you need to process all the fallout from your divorce—and that is the truth.

Now some might disagree with this, but I think that there are certain things that are private and never need to be shared with a partner. And that is your burden to bear, and no one else’s business.

 
Cat

[Frankee]

You have tried to do everything though normal channels and it just hadn’t worked yet. You couldn’t see other options and you found something that paid your bills and kept you from being evicted.

To look at your situation from a different perspective, how is this different than when women stay in unhappy relationships just to get their financial needs taken care of?

You now need an exit plan.

And this guy you’re interested in. If he’s someone who really likes you, he can wait. And you can get to know him better as a friend. Yes, it will be difficult. But you can tell him that you need to process all the fallout from your divorce—and that is the truth.

Now some might disagree with this, but I think that there are certain things that are private and never need to be shared with a partner. And that is your burden to bear, and no one else’s business.

 
Cat

That means a lot, it really does.  It's been a hard pill to swallow and luckily I do have a close friend who I can talk to about these things, except my real love interest.  I feel what I am doing doesn't define me as a person and doesn't mean ​I am less deserving to be treated right.  I was honest with him and told him I am not quite ready for a serious relationship and disclosed vague details about impactful things I have been dealing with.  He is a single dad and his wife passed away 3 years ago so he understands having the heavy burden of being a single parent as well.

I started an application through the USPS.  Apparently they have great pay and benefits.  It's a long tedious process to apply, but I am doing a little bit at a time.  What I am having to do to meet financial needs has brought upon an inner emotional turmoil and has made it hard to develop regular relationships because of the secret.

Yesterday my ex made death threats to my parents and his brother's wife and sent insane messages to me through the court monitored app.  He went completely crazy.  I called the cops in my city and the city my ex lives in.  They did go to his apt and ended up having a mental health crisis officer come and do an evaluation.  They did an involuntary commitment to a psychiatric hospital in a city up north.  The officer I filed the report with confirmed that my ex was screaming that he thinks the boys are dead and demanded to see them.  The officer followed the mental health people to make sure they committed him to the hospital.

Tomorrow I am calling everybody.  My boys school, my advocacy lawyer, my DV caseworker, my parents.  I am blowing this up as loud as I can so everyone knows that he has become a new level of threat. 

Between the insanity my ex has brought down in the past couple days and my current job to meet my financial needs has made it virtually impossible to even try to have a normal relationship.  It is better that I just stay on my own path until I can find some sort of normal life.

[SinisterComplex]

That means a lot, it really does.  It's been a hard pill to swallow and luckily I do have a close friend who I can talk to about these things, except my real love interest.  I feel what I am doing doesn't define me as a person and doesn't mean ​I am less deserving to be treated right.  I was honest with him and told him I am not quite ready for a serious relationship and disclosed vague details about impactful things I have been dealing with.  He is a single dad and his wife passed away 3 years ago so he understands having the heavy burden of being a single parent as well.

I started an application through the USPS.  Apparently they have great pay and benefits.  It's a long tedious process to apply, but I am doing a little bit at a time.  What I am having to do to meet financial needs has brought upon an inner emotional turmoil and has made it hard to develop regular relationships because of the secret.

Yesterday my ex made death threats to my parents and his brother's wife and sent insane messages to me through the court monitored app.  He went completely crazy.  I called the cops in my city and the city my ex lives in.  They did go to his apt and ended up having a mental health crisis officer come and do an evaluation.  They did an involuntary commitment to a psychiatric hospital in a city up north.  The officer I filed the report with confirmed that my ex was screaming that he thinks the boys are dead and demanded to see them.  The officer followed the mental health people to make sure they committed him to the hospital.

Tomorrow I am calling everybody.  My boys school, my advocacy lawyer, my DV caseworker, my parents.  I am blowing this up as loud as I can so everyone knows that he has become a new level of threat. 

Between the insanity my ex has brought down in the past couple days and my current job to meet my financial needs has made it virtually impossible to even try to have a normal relationship.  It is better that I just stay on my own path until I can find some sort of normal life.

Frankee, what people choose to do is of course up to the individuals involved and typically speaking if someone wants to do something they are going to do it regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. Now having said that...I think it would be in your best interest to get yourself into a stable frame of mind and also be on a more stable level of life path. Trying to involve anyone else until you are better off is actually just as bad for you as it would be for the other person. Also, I am not judging at all. You are doing what you have to in regards to surviving. If at all possible...I would stay away from relationships until you are not in a fight or flight scenario because it would set you back and cause you more damage in the process.

I mean let's get real here...*transforms into Captain Obvious*...you have more pressing issues to attend to than anything related to a romantic relationship. 

Now what I said sounds good and all, but take it with a grain of salt because it is your life and what you do is up to you and I am just some random dude on the internet so what do I know? ;-)

Personally, I wish you the best and hopefully you can just find a way to break even and get your head above water and live and love life as opposed to just surviving.

Hang in there and keep your head up. 

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Frankee]

I think it would be in your best interest to get yourself into a stable frame of mind and also be on a more stable level of life path. Trying to involve anyone else until you are better off is actually just as bad for you as it would be for the other person. Also, I am not judging at all. You are doing what you have to in regards to surviving. If at all possible...I would stay away from relationships until you are not in a fight or flight scenario because it would set you back and cause you more damage in the process.

I mean let's get real here...*transforms into Captain Obvious*...you have more pressing issues to attend to than anything related to a romantic relationship. 

Personally, I wish you the best and hopefully you can just find a way to break even and get your head above water and live and love life as opposed to just surviving.

I have to agree.  I have told myself more than once that having a personal love interest is something that I truly am not ready for.  I know deep down that I am going to have to be the one who puts the breaks it.  It's been an extremely hard internal struggle.  I have known this guy for a year and we're friends.

The more pressing issues was defintely thrown in my face when I was at the powerlifting competition and my ex was literally losing his mind and I had to call the cops on him. 

I've talked to my new romantic interest and I have made him aware of certain things going on.  I said between that and having my kids with me all the time, it's really hard for me right now.  He keeps telling me he can wait.  I can tell he means it and while it's nice to hear, I can't help but wonder if I will ever be ready.

[At Bay]

Happy New Year, Frankie, and I hope 2022 is much better. I followed your story before I renewed my acct. I hope things are going well, and am glad you found friendship. I've been married 50 yrs and there are things I've never shared about the past, with no regrets. We do our best at the time when it feels like it can't be helped, and hope for the best.

Hopefully a sincere apology would matter. My husband has lied about having affairs for probably 50 yrs and I'm still with him after finally hearing a voice-mail from one of his girlfriends (he asked me to answer his phone while in the car), and catching him behind the garage talking on his phone to a different woman. (I found a way into his cell acct.)