Inner Child Work

[lm1109]

Hi! So.. I've come to understand codependency in the last few years and how much it shaped who I'd become as an adult. The last few years have been what I would consider an awakening to the abuse I've endured, the severity of trauma I needed to work through, and the fact that my relationship with my parents has always been draining the life out of me. The relationship was solely F.O.G based. My mom is BPD and my Dad is an alcoholic narcissist. I ran at 17 only to get trapped back into the F.O.G at 20 when my only sibling committed suicide. I felt it was MY responsibility to clean up the mess and LITERALLY keep them alive( my mom has been suicidal) and the both of them have been very abusive and manipulative throughout the years. I continued to have a relationship with them because they literally have no one else. They've pushed everyone else away. I hit the wall when my resentments became too heavy a burden to carry and my nervous system was shot. I was emotionally depleted. I put boundaries in place, went very little contact with my parents(made easier by the pandemic), got back into therapy, got back into my yoga practice and even became certified as a yoga instructor because it's helped me heal SO much. I've read many books and have grown A LOT!  I've been reading(and now rereading) a book called How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole Leppera which has helped me tremendously. Very little contact was going well but I knew it was only a matter of time before she became abusive again, which happened while trying to make Thanksgiving plans with them. I refused further contact and refused to go to her house at all because of it. I was initially shaking and cried afterwards but ultimately I regulated my nervous system and stopped my old pattern and cyclic thoughts. I recognize how everytime this happened in the past I would stay upset, I'd replay it over and over, and then replay all of the past abuse to justify why I wanted to walk away for good. I would have engaged in the "fight" I would have yelled back and this time I didn't do that. I even went out for pizza afterwards with my family and watched a movie and had a good time. I now understand this was HER choice and I have the ability to choose not to be a part of the chaos. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I've chosen to take a break and I've chosen not to waste my time or energy on explaining that break, because that has always proven to be pointless with them.

That night before bed my attention went to my childhood bear. It happened to be sitting in my room because my son had just given it back to me a few weeks prior, since he was redoing his room in Super Mario, and my old bear no longer fit the room. I couldn't bare to shove him in a closet so he was sitting on my shelf. I went and got him down and felt the urge to hug him and knew that it was what my inner child needed. I was flooded with love. I had all of these memories surface and recognized how my bear and connection to animals saved me as a child. There was no true connection with my parents and so I created connection where I could. I wondered how many tears I'd cried into that bear...SO many! Anyways...I've never experienced anything like this..since I'm new to the whole healing my inner child thing. But wow it felt good. I actually even chose to snuggle my bear to sleep that night. For the first time ever I'm beginning to understand my resiliency and respect my ability to survive. I decided to share this to see if anyone else has had an experience like this? And to ask what tools you all use in healing your inner child?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Im1109 

I have a teddy bear that I bought as an adult while in T. He sits on my bed and has a name, Merryweather. Most of the time he sits there, but he is always available for me to hold and hug. There is indeed great comfort in having our childhood teddy bear or a stuffed animal we bought for us to reach out to.

Inner child work is quite effective in reaching to meet those deep previously unmet needs. Do you have a T you are working with? My T has been so helpful in walking alongside me to help me heal from what I experienced with an uBPDm.

It's great that you are working so hard to keep those boundaries to protect you and your inner children. 

 
Hold onto that teddy bear.
Wools

[Couscous]

I really feel that inner child work is key. I haven’t really begun yet since I’ve still been working on disengaging from my family and establishing safety, but I started reading a book called Inner Bonding that seems to be just what the doctor ordered. The author had narcissistic parents and she seems to really get it.

[HappyChappy]

...There was no true connection with my parents and so I created connection where I could. I wondered how many tears I'd cried into that bear...SO many! Anyways...But wow it felt good. I actually even chose to snuggle my bear to sleep that night. For the first time ever I'm beginning to understand my resiliency and respect my ability to survive. I decided to share this to see if anyone else has had an experience like this? And to ask what tools you all use in healing your inner child?

I'm so pleased for you, recognising your inner child and then being the parent to your own inner child is very healing. Keep being good to yourself, keep showing that inner child compassion and love. That helped me. What other things does your inner child need ? (it was chocolate, music and comedy for me  )

[lm1109]

Thank you for your replies. I will check out the book Inner Bonding..I love to read! I've found some really great inner child meditations that have been helpful for me as well! As a kid I would always escape to my tree in my backyard. It was a giant pine tree that you could actually walk into and be hidden...I loved it. Everytime I'm out in nature...it feels healing. My counselor told me to visualize myself back in the tree and meet my inner child there. It was very emotional for me...but I suppose feeling those emotions is a good thing.

Happychappy: I love that you mention comedy. This may be the biggest one for me. As a kid I was a HUGE stand up comedy fan. I would even write my own jokes in a journal and learned to laugh at dysfunction(as much as I could..at least) My sense of humor HAS to be my best survival tool. I've also found myself recently drawn to certain comedy shows I used to watch as a kid. I've been watching Seinfeld each night before bed, which was a favorite of mine as a kid. I've also had the urge to rewatch some of my favorite old SNL sketches. I assume these nostalgic urges are my inner child. When I was very young I loved Disney movies(would watch them over and over) Even as an adult, I'm always excited to watch all of those kinds of movies with my kids and I truly enjoy them. Movies have always been a big deal for our family and that love began as a child for me. This weekend we went and saw the new Ghostbusters movie with our kids and my inner child LOVED it

[lm1109]

Meant to add this about comedy as well...I recently had a conversation with my mother in law that ignited my inner child. My father in law recently passed from cancer and I was telling my mother in law what an amazing grandmother she is. Despite being in the worst pain of her life she still has the ability to simultaneously experience real joy. She still laughs to the point of tears at my kids jokes and beautiful goofiness. As I said it to her, I recognized this trait in myself as well. I've experienced an immense amount of trauma, grief, and pain but there's still an ornerary little kid in me(no wonder God gifted me 3 boys) Laughter truly is the best medicine...at least for me.

[HappyChappy]

Happychappy: I love that you mention comedy. This may be the biggest one for me. As a kid I was a HUGE stand up comedy fan. I would even write my own jokes in a journal ... Seinfeld each night before bed ...SNL sketches.

Love Seinfeld & SNL. Big fan of stand up. If you can laugh at something it takes away the fear, and when my BPD & NPD tried to kick things off, sometimes I could avoid confrontation by flipping it into a joke.   It's a heathy coping mechanism. Who are your favourite comedians ?

[lm1109]

Happychappy: As a kid my absolute favorite stand up was Margaret Cho! I was a 90s kid so I also absolutely loved Robin Williams, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Roseanne Barr, Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey...SO many! As a kid I would watch all the Comedy Central stand up shows, so I was into a lot of the not so known comics as well. My newest favorite is Bo Burnham..."Inside" was the best thing that came out of quarantine

[lm1109]

For some reason my posts keeps getting cut in half?...Anyways..How about you? Any favorites that helped more than most? Looking back, it's funny how much comedy, sitcoms, and movies shaped me. I too would joke to relieve tension as a kid, not so much with my family, but once I hit middle school I would make jokes about all the craziness in my home. It made me feel better and also served as a warning if my friends came over. My brother and I would also routinely laugh at our parents insanity together. We would joke that the bathroom must have had a portal to an angry world(a narnia hell..so to speak) our mom would go in there in a somewhat stable mood and come out raging about things that happened weeks, months, or years ago! I honestly don't think I ever could have survived everything if it wasn't for my ability to laugh!