Plan for future interaction with BPD mom

[lm1109]

Hi.. I won't go into all of the details but my BPD mother has abused me and trampled my boundaries for the last time. My only worry is that once she realizes that I'm ignoring her phone calls and texts, she will show up at my house unannounced and cause a scene. She has done this before. This tactic has worked for her in the past because she knows that I do everything that I can to shield my children from the dysfunction. She also knows that I would be humiliated to have to call the police and cause a scene in my neighborhood. I am friends with my neighbors, but I've never explained the dysfunctional relationship with my parents. I realize now that I've always felt immense shame that I come from extreme dysfunction and that this shame has kept me quiet and compliant for FAR TOO LONG. However, I'm ready and willing to call the police this time if she shows up at my home, I will not give in again. I am ready and willing to get a restraining order. I NEED peace and giving in has gotten me nowhere with my very sick family.

I have a long driveway and my husband and I have installed a sensor which sounds an alarm about halfway down. I can go to the window and see if it's her. If it is her or my Dad I will have a few minutes to lock the doors and take my kids upstairs. My planned response for this is to tell my kids that their Grandma is going through some things right now, but there is never an excuse to allow anyone, no matter who they are, to treat you badly. I'll explain that they don't need to know any more than that because me and their Dad will handle it when I'm ready. I then plan to send this text which I've already written out:
"I've done nothing wrong. I set a boundary and your response was abusive. The last time that this happened, you showed up at my home unannounced and we decided to "move forward."  I explained to you that I was no longer tolerating chaos and abuse. I meant it. I'm a 34 year old mother of 3 and my plate is full. I am focusing on my own healing and I need time and space for that. I will let you know when I am ready to talk. It will not be at my home, or when my children are present. If you disrespect this boundary and show up at my home unannounced again I will be forced to call the police. I will show them this text as documentation that you(and/or my Dad) were respectfully asked not to come to my home. I deserve time and space to heal and I will let you know when I'm ready for further contact."

I won't be roped into another unannounced confrontation where I am trying to protect my kids from chaos. I will not forgive and forget. I do not have a timeline for when I will be ready to have a conversation, and it will NOT be HER timeline. I'm willing to deal with the embarassment that may come from having the police remove my own mother from my home and I'm willing to press charges and explain that she has tried to physically abuse me in the past(even while I was pregnant with her grandchild) I will admit that she also threatens self harm. I will NOT be held responsible for ANY of HER actions, no matter WHAT those actions are. My parents burdens have FINALLY become too much to carry and I'm laying them down and I'm not taking them back.
My only real worry in this is my kids. We've always had very limited contact with my parents(bdays&holidays) but of course my kids love them (mainly because I've tiptoed around to shield them from their mentally ill grandparents) Is there anything in my planned responses to my kids or parents that could be improved? I'm planning on NO contact until she(or her flying monkey...my dad) shows up at my home. I want it all planned ahead of time so that my responses are thought out and not emotional. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you so much!

[Couscous]

What a heartbreaking and anxiety provoking situation. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. My only suggestion would be to call your local domestic abuse hotline. I actually did this myself a couple of weeks ago due to a family member getting belligerent, and I felt a lot better afterwards. I’m thinking they might be able to give you some guidance on if it makes sense to already get the RO or an anti-harrassment order in place ahead of time, just to avoid a scene. Sending you a big hug. 

[Turkish]

I'm willing to deal with the embarassment that may come from having the police remove my own mother from my home and I'm willing to press charges and explain that she has tried to physically abuse me in the past(even while I was pregnant with her grandchild)

I read though your past posts, but you didn't mention this. What happened then?

I can relate to wanting to move out at 17. So did I but my mom told me that I couldn't. That was around the same time she last smacked me and I, by instinct, raised my hand to smack her back until she said, "what? Are you going to smack your own mother?" I moved out on my 18th birthday.

Would you really be embarrassed if you had to call the cops, or is that feeling what you might feel she would think?

[lm1109]

Thank you for your responses.
Turkish: What happened then was close to ten years ago. She brought my nephew to my house and began yelling at him in front of me. I stood up for my nephew and asked her to leave. She jumped up, got inches from my face, was bumping into my body, and was belligerently taunting me to fight her. It was like a schoolyard scene, mentally she can't be more than about 14. I told her that the only reason why she was trying to fight me was because she knew I was too good of a mom to fight her while I was pregnant and that only an extremely sick person would fight their child while pregnant with their grandchild. I yelled for my husband to remove her and call the police and she left. We didn't speak for months, but..like always...I allowed the guilt to get the better of me and they slowly made their way back in.

About your question of would I really be embarrassed calling the cops in my new neighborhood. Yes, I would. I obviously haven't worked through the shame yet. I've always been extremely embarrassed by my family(even as a child) and yes she knows it and has always used this against me.  I guess I've always fought hard to just be "normal" but especially after having my children. I did all of the things to be a "normal" mom and give them the most "normal" childhood I could. I now have the ability to recognize that I've done and am doing a really good job with them, they're absolutely amazing kids. I got the help I needed to be a good mom and not repeat the generational trauma. But all the therapy, books, and healing was all for them. I've protected them, but I wasn't protecting myself. My hope was that I could tip toe enough and keep my parents at a distance enough for my kids to have a somewhat "normal" relationship with them. I realize now that I was lying to myself. I was beating my head against the wall by covering for my parents, it was sick. 
It's funny...because I also read back through my old posts over the years. I was in shock. As if I was reading someone else's posts, as if they weren't mine. It blew me away that I've been dealing with this for all of these years, that I've continued to "walk on eggshells" It's never been worth it. Very limited contact has never worked long-term, it's just another lie I've told myself. I've stood up for myself, put up boundaries, and kept lots of distance..but never enough. I'll never be able to make even a slight relationship work without completely sacrificing myself. I'm doing my best not to fall back into black and white thinking by announcing I'll NEVER speak to them again. But Im out of the F.O.G enough to really understand that I need A WHOLE LOT of time and space to heal...not a few months...however long it takes. I need to choose myself for once!
The pandemic and losing my father-in-law to cancer has really woken me up. I've had a lot of memories surface that I am working through, and I'm not burying them again. Im looking at them from a much healthier adult perspective. It's excruciatingly painful, but I know it's time. I can't work through it all AND deal with them at the same time. I also found an Al-Anon group in my area and plan to attend my first meeting. Hopefully I'm setting myself up for success in not falling back into the old patterns!

[beatricex]

hi Im1109,
You said "Any input would be appreciated. Thank you so much!" so here goes.

Please note, that I have had all these same thoughts, as I'm in a similar situation.  The only difference is that I believe, this feeling has passed for me.  I too have thought about the "calling the police and restraining order" path.

I did not do this, and my Mom never showed up at my door after she initially showed up and left a note after I asked her to stop calling, texting and emailing my husband and I.  She was love bombing us.  Example:  she wished me a happy birthday and happy birthweek, and asked what I did for my birthday, and drug out this event (my birthday) with multiple inquiries, for over a week.  My birthday was in March. 

Since then, besides fretting she would show up I read "the Gift of Fear" and calmed down quite a bit.  With my mom blocked on phones and via email (both my husband and I) I had time to think.

I don't think this is a good idea for me, and it likely isn't for you either.

It's just that in anger, as a response to her behavior, and with new awareness and clarity about her abuse "an eye for an eye" seems like the right thing to do.  Until it doesn't any longer.

hope this makes sense

keeping you in my thoughts today.  Please post more about your situation and feelings.  i am here also just to listen
b

[Couscous]

I guess I've always fought hard to just be "normal" but especially after having my children. I did all of the things to be a "normal" mom and give them the most "normal" childhood I could. I now have the ability to recognize that I've done and am doing a really good job with them, they're absolutely amazing kids. I got the help I needed to be a good mom and not repeat the generational trauma. But all the therapy, books, and healing was all for them. I've protected them, but I wasn't protecting myself. My hope was that I could tip toe enough and keep my parents at a distance enough for my kids to have a somewhat "normal" relationship with them. I realize now that I was lying to myself. I was beating my head against the wall by covering for my parents, it was sick. 

This is the exact path I have been on since the birth of my first child. Or perhaps I should say, it's the path I have just stepped off of as of two weeks ago. My focus has been 100% on my children and breaking the intergenerational cycle of dysfunction, all the while failing to protect myself from my family's abusive behavior and sacrificing myself just so that my children could have a relationship with their very unhealthy, extended family. The question I am now asking myself is why I would have ever even wanted them to have relationships with people who are not healthy?   

[lm1109]

Beatricex- Thank you for your input. I agree that once we calm down a bit our feelings can pass. I think this may actually be a big part of my problem. I don't see calling the police or restraining order as "eye for an eye" although I can certainly see how my post could be read that way. I think the realization that I've come to is that I HAVE to be willing to take serious action or my life will never change. My pattern is to go no contact and then as my anger passes my empathy for her gets the better of me. Ive always been the "peacemaker" that has always been my "role" in my sick family. The problem is that I'm sacrificing myself for the sake of "keeping the peace" which of course, never lasts with a BPD. There is NO peace, it's just a revolving door of chaos. The last time I went no contact(after verbal abuse) she showed up at my home unannounced while my kids were home. We were in our dining room and there she was looking through our window and banging on my door. I had no other choice but to open the door. She told me she already lost one child and she couldn't lose another. She roped me in with guilt(as she always has) as the conversation continued I came to realize that she actually only wanted to find out why my Dad had talked to my husband one day, she assumed(since shes a narcissist) that it was about her(it was about work) I don't actually believe this woman has love for me...I believe my brother and I were pawns in her sick and twisted relationship with my father. When we lost my brother to suicide she had been ruthlessly fighting with him. She was causing problems in his marriage. My brother had just come home from Iraq(army) and his wife had given birth to a child with severe health issues and they were told the child might not survive. Instead of supporting, she did what she always does, she saw weakness and so she chose to pile on to his stress. I don't know if this is a conscious behavior, but I stopped telling her anything personal by about age 12 because if she saw I was hurting she would pile on(to sink me?) Then after he committed suicide she played the victim card. She created a delusional relationship in her head(they quite literally had the most toxic mother son relationship I've ever seen ) and decided that she was the only victim and used her victimhood and my weakness(too much empathy and need for peace) to keep me in a sick relationship with her. Her and my Dad gaslit me, manipulated, and guilted me anytime I set a boundary or tried to walk away. She used my fear of her killing herself (like my brother) to trap me. When confronted with abusive behavior she would end up in the ER or become suicidal. We've never actually had a real relationship. It's been very limited contact my whole adult life. I've tried my hardest to pretend. I would set up a few times a year for her to see my children..she snaps pictures and that gives her a pretend sense that she is actually a grandparent. I've played into this delusion and had honestly hoped that we could make this fake delusion work for the sake of my children and so I didn't have to walk away since they quite literally have NO ONE else in their life..but she can't do it. She can't not be abusive to me. She isn't capable of any relationship..no friends, no family...just her and my enabling Dad on a sick little island talking about how it's everyone else who's crazy. Sorry this turned into a rant. I just know it's time to finally protect myself and heal...I've reached the brick wall. Now I have to find a way to get comfortable in the discomfort. I have to somehow find the strength and keep the strength because I know that there is a real possibility of the worst case scenario happening. I know that she hates life and doesn't want to be here. But I do want to be here, and I want to be happy. I want to be healthy and be here for my kids as long as possible. It feels that everytime I make significant progress, I'm pulled back into chaos. I have no energy left for them.

I was just listening to a podcast and someone spoke about the guilt we feel when we choose to heal, survive, or walk away. It hit home because I know that my parents are suffering (the same way a drug addict is suffering) and yet my "help" has never even actually been helpful... because obviously you can't help someone who doesn't want to heal. I'm just coming to terms with this! I can't keep putting out energy! It's exhausting everytime I even think of them at this point!

Couscous: I couldn't agree more. I've been asking myself the same question. I suppose I still had hope that my parents would somehow see how amazing my kids are and actually experience some sort of joy in their lives. You always hear grandparents say how different it is with grandkids. On some level I think they wanted that too.. especially after losing a child..but unfortunately they just aren't capable of it.

[Turkish]

She isn't capable of any relationship..no friends, no family...just her and my enabling Dad on a sick little island talking about how it's everyone else who's crazy. 

I read something recently that went like this:

If you meet one  in the day, you met one  .

If you meet  's all day, you're the 

[beatricex]

omg Turkish, that is funny 

IM1109,
I hear what you're saying.  Thank you for the further explanation. 

Just thinking of you and how sometimes we can have the best intentions, but then stuff spirals...as is typical of life with a BPD. 

 
b

[Couscous]

Lm1109, there’s no doubt that you are in a truly difficult position.  From a survival standpoint it makes perfect sense that you’ve continued to work so hard to keep your mother alive, because Inner Child believes you couldn’t survive without her.

I happened to watch this short video earlier and think it’s quite relevant to your situation:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320733.0

[lm1109]

Couscous: Amazing video! It was extremely helpful to me...thank you so much for sharing!

[eaglestar]

I agree, this video and the others on the thread were amazing and tremendously helpful. Thank you for sharing!

[Turkish]

Thanks for posting the videos, Couscous

It's good to hear a professional acknowledge the conclusions I came to myself.  My mom had a IQ of 137 (top 2%). Yet her depression, BPD and PTSD were debilitating, life long, for her to b never come close to her potential.

I've often thought that about my ex: a person who seems so self aware, but sabotages her desired outcome... and seems unaware of her contribution to that.

When I was a kid, and later, my mom took great validation of "pulling herself up by her bootstraps." She named our road on the 25 acres she lost for wont of a $15k note on 1984, "Bootstrap Way."

They both created the crises from which they get validation from others for overcoming the crises that they created by their actions.

[lm1109]

It's interesting..before I watched the video I told my husband that my relationship with my parents has felt like I was continuously pulling them out of a fire. I was programmed in childhood to do this. But they just kept lighting themselves back up because they're addicted to being in the fire! When I became an adult I vowed to stop running in after them. But I stayed. I tried to talk them out. I tried to make them see there was more to life than burning. But all I did was inhale the smoke and make myself sick. I'd get away long enough to heal(never fully), only to go back and breathe it in again. I'm sure I'm not the first to use this analogy..but for me..it rings true, just like the drowning analogy. I love that Peterson's response was "By example" That really is our only power in the situation. I wish walking away from the fire was easy, it's not, even after realizing how sick it's been making me. I've chosen to not make any contact or explain my plans, and just focus on my healing. It's difficult because my brothers death date is in a few days and then Christmas. It's sad that people could hurt me so much, SO many times, and yet I still find it hard to not be the "parent" to them. I realize how strong my "programming" has been. My rational brain is yelling at me to not feel this way, but I've been finding myself having a lot of nightmares lately. Rage filled nightmares of me yelling at them. I'm sure these are repressed emotions. I spent my whole life trying to make things that were NOT ok...ok...for the sake of peacemaking. I feel like I'm finally allowing myself to feel the brunt of the grief I've been so afraid to fully feel! It's really rough...but I'm also hopeful. Things are VERY different this time! My inner child desperately needed me to reparent her and so I've just been trying to focus on putting my energy into loving myself and understanding that feeling all of these horrible feelings are more than ok, it's crucial to recovery. I really miss my brother this year...a lot. I wish he could have lived long enough to know that it wasn't our fault! I wish he could've known all of the things I know now and healed. But I'm only 34...I have so much more life..and there is a huge part of me that wants to heal even more since he didn't get the chance to! Anyways...has anyone else experienced rage filled dreams or nightmares? Did they eventually go away? Thanks!