Looking for folks with a High Function BPD wife - Waif/Hermit subtype

[bugwaterguy]

Hello folks,

I have just finished the trio of books - Stop Walking On Eggshells; Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook, and The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder.  They were eye-opening.

I believe my wife is a High Function BPD, with the Waif/Hermit subtype.

We tried couples counseling that went bad.  My wife was seeing the therapist individually - we had marital issues and we started seeing the same therapist that she had been seeing.  (I later learned this is bad practice, because the therapist has a stronger rapport with one than the other).

During an individual session with that therapist, I brought up that I thought I was being emotionally abused.  I was immediately dismissed.  That hurt.

When I questioned whether the couples therapy was working, my wife said it wasn't about the relationship, but how we were doing individually.  She stopped the counseling after I questioned it.

Fast forward a year.  My wife wants to divorce.  This is happening because I am trying to set clear boundaries (particularly around clutter.  My wife is concerned about our children (which is great) and wants to go through divorce counseling. 

I am wondering if the divorce counseling could be an opportunity for growth? My wife has accused me of being a narcissist or incapable of empathy.  I believe this is her projecting.  My hope is that a new counselor, with an unbiased opinion could unearth the truth.

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[mitten]

Welcome, glad you found Stop Walking on Eggshells eye opening.  It was for me as well!  EVERYTHING resonated. 

Tell us more about the boundary you are trying to set around clutter.  Wondering if that's the battle you want to pick? 

Also, what do you want to happen in regards to the relationship?  What do you feel when she says she wants a divorce? 

[bugwaterguy]

Hello mitten - thanks for replying

My wife has left stuff on top of a file cabinet for years - including a printer that has been in the box for over a decade.  I said that I was going to clean that area up after a certain date.  She cleaned the stuff up on her own.

Similarly, she has said I cannot donate or discard anything in our garage.  I put stuff into a pile that I wanted to donate (broken birdfeeder, a broken lamp, random boxes of hardware, bent blinds, furnace filters for a furnace we no longer have).  I said I was going to donate it at a certain date.  She took things out of the pile, and put them in an appropriate place, and I donated the rest.

The reason I picked that battle is because it is a tangible symbol of the control she has.  She expects me and our children to put things in their proper place, but doesn't do it herself.  She tells our children and I that "you can have things that will fit on this shelf", and her stuff sprawls over the entire house.  I ask what I can do to help her deal with it - and she says "I don't know".

My wife doesn't rage - she withdraws.  I find it very difficult to set a boundary around someone who withdraws or does emotional withholding.  If she yelled, it is easy to walk away from the conversation.  If she stonewalls - what good does walking away do?

I want increased emotional intimacy.  My hope is setting limits will increase respect, which will lead to intimacy.  By being more confident in my decisions, instead of pretzeling myself to accommodate her, it will also build up her confidence.

I am hurt when she says she wants a divorce.  We have been married for over 25 years.  I thought I was being supportive and helpful, when I was being codependent and enabling.  My hope is by changing my behavior, the situation will improve.