Good day all.
I used to come to this amazing forum in one of the darkest times of my life.2014-2016. Early 30s, and in a horrific relationship that was so insane you will have to read back through my threads to get the details, I can't even bring myself to regurgitate it all. In summary, she presented herself as perfect, she was beautiful. When I was hooked, the push/pull dynamic started, she cheated on me multiple times and the relationship was a toxic stew of which I found myself in an almost crazy addiction. I'm not here to talk about that though.
Do I still think of her? Sure.
Did it take me an abnormally long time to get over it all? Absolutely. Longer than any other relationship of my life.
Was it hard? One of the most difficult challenges of my life.
Am I ok? I have never been happier.
Simply put, you will be ok. If you are reading this and struggling, I've been there. Again, read my posts if you wish from those days. I was lost. I was searching for answers. I was looking for solutions. It was a losing cause.
I don't quite know what the last thing was but I decided I had enough. I separated from her contact wise entirely. I had a realization. We set the expectations for how other people treat us and frankly I didn't think very highly of myself but didn't know that exactly at the time. I went and bought a Jeep, impulsively. Started going to the gym every morning. I would ride the coast in my car I couldn't afford
(and still have by the way!) That car is like a personal part of my soul now. I did so much damn soul searching in that thing. I will never sell it now. I started focusing inward though. Why did I tolerate those things? What is a healthy relationship? What do I want from now until the time I die? I wrote a lot. Letters to nobody. Outwards thought per say, about what I wanted out of life. I took a heavy inventory about what positive relationships were around me and how they treated each other. I searched for how I became broken. It was lonely but I learned to be alone. I knew I needed to do that. I didn't date anyone for 2 years. I went to the gym to feel better about me. I ate right to be healthy for me. I focused on work to gain confidence in me. I spent time with extended family and I drove that damn jeep for the longest drives up and down the Florida coast listening to music and enjoying the simple joys like the wind on my face on a Saturday morning.
I started dating again a couple years later with a new found sense of self. Had I thought about the ex? Everyday. Had a goofed and texted her or replied to her from time to time? Sure. but I never saw her once. I avoided our mutual places we had gone.
When you are in the midsts of a storm for so long you lose your compass of what's right, what's healthy or what normal even feels like. That equilibrium is crucial to getting your feet back under you and the pain we endured takes a long time to heal from. I went to a counselor just to talk. Not to be "fixed" but to just help me process everything that happened. I went about 10 times, and it was worth it. I wrote a lot of those letters to nobody late at night and did so based on whatever I was feeling. The good, the bad and I tried to focus on fixing the bad and importantly to focus on the little accomplishments I made and the progress that I was feeling by focusing on myself for once.
When I began dating it was slow. A drink here or there, lunch. Very casual. If dating someone with BDP is good for one thing, you will forever have a radar that can find these people like a needle in a haystack and you will feel that feeling in your stomach that something is off. That's another thing I learned to do, to get reacquainted with trusting my gut instincts again. They are usually right. I avoided the people that felt like I knew them dating, I was careful and mindful not to try and replace her with a carbon copy physically or with that alluring charm that got me into my predicament to begin with. Avoid those people/feelings.
I ended up meeting the most sweet, charming, pretty girl who could not be more polar opposite to what I thought my type was soon after. We took things super slow. I avoided the ones that wanted to talk about being exclusive in 15 minutes. The right person doesn't pressure you won't make you feel rushed and will respect you even though you aren't officially together. (All things I had to re-learn in all that work I did before I started dating again)
We were together for 5 years and were married this past Summer. I can count on one hand how many arguments we have gotten in over that time. I have never been happier and am in a place I never thought I'd be.
I want every person out there who is in that place I was in 7 long years ago who may still be reading this to know something. It's not and it never will be too late for you. I'm here to tell you that there is life after this mess we found ourselves in. I'm here to tell you the pain does subside, the hurt does go away and that there is someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. This too shall pass.
As the holidays draw closer, I know how tough those are to find yourself in a mess or trying to be strong alone and avoid contact, or move on. I know so very well how that feels and what you are going through. I can promise you that it's worth it.
If I can ever be of assistance to anyone or if anyone needs some help to pull you through a hard patch, feel free to reach out to me. I went through some crazy stuff with her and I assume I can relate to a lot of what you may be experiencing. If I can help let me know.
You don't need someone else to validate your right to be respected, loved and treated well. Never lose hope or let someone else lose it for you. I promise, there is a way out and each and everyone of you deserve that.
God Bless
