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Author Topic: The sadness of no contact/disconnecting  (Read 2134 times)
Firsttimefather
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« on: December 02, 2021, 11:58:51 PM »

Well it’s a journey I suppose, pretty sad today. I had to swing by my house and she wasn’t there. She usually would be there as far as the schedule she has been living the past year. Possibly stayed over someone’s house? Wouldn’t be surprised, there were always random testers and tinders lurking not far behind. Nonetheless I was triggered. Missing the times I spent with her: making her lunches for work..in a moments notice she called the cops on the maker of her favorite ginger molasses cookies. Sad yes, then you realize the thing your missing is that which you brought to the table. I miss being her caretaker and that’s just the madness of it. Is she? Does she miss me despite her delusion and wrongful assumptions about my fidelity to her? Does she still believe the delusions she projected? Is she remorseful at all? Sorry for calling the cops? In my heart and head I doubt it. Still this one gasp of hope maybe lingering on? But then the reality again sets in: she called the police on me for nothing, she accused me of such outrageous and atrocious stuff. The whole time she has been my whole world. Would never have done what she thinks I have and certainly not betray my dear dear love. But within a second I was reduced to nothing and made the enemy. The hardest part is the feeling that you ‘understand’ someone and the regrets that perhaps if you had done something differently it would still be alright and I’d be back in my role, that I adopted, that I accepted, the caretaker. And truth is in s way I loved it but I didn’t love not having my emotional needs met, not working thru our misunderstandings. I have been told by many people, friends, a psychotherapist,”I know it’s hard but be glad your getting out.’ I do feel that way yet wish I truly felt that way. Regardless there is no going back I feel. I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad to lose something you wonder if you ever even had.
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anxiety5
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« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2021, 12:47:24 AM »

I've been where you are right now. I used to post here years ago, you can read through my posts and you'll see the suffering I went through dating my BPD ex. I was exactly where you are after that relationship. I'll be honest, 5 years later I still think of her time to time. But it's different. You have to step back from all of it and realize you are damaged right now. I don't mean that disrespectfully, I mean that with empathy and an awareness bc I was the same.

For me? What helped cut the line that she had to my inner soul is the realization that it wasn't real. I didn't miss her. I missed the idea of her. Who would miss being cheated on, lied to, having plates thrown at your head, having someone kick you out of their house an hour after your grandmothers funeral for being told I was selfish for being too needy when she was very busy. They came on strong and fast, we were damaged even when we first met these people and they, the omnipresent almost psychic sense, knew that. So they project to us everything we lack or fail to see in ourselves only to have it stripped away later. They made us whole for a brief moment by filling wounds that were present the day we met. I don't miss her, I missed that brief moment in time where my own shortcomings, misgivings, insecurities and loneliness were washed away by someone who knew I was longing for those pains to end and temporarily offered me the feeling of being whole.

Nobody misses being emotionally abused. We miss feeling whole. And we chase it. It's so powerful that we will allow our world to be destroyed in hopes we can just get things back to the way they were or fix the mess. 

In truth, I came to realize that nobody can fill those voids but me. If I had been emotionally whole or healthy when we had met, I wouldn't have fallen for the long gazes, the lines about how I was special.  Emotionally whole people don't require other people to fill their voids, they view their partner as an external compliment to themselves not as the root of their happiness.

I came to realize that blaming her for my mess was just my own shortcoming in realizing that I wasn't right even when we met. Insecure from previous relationships, being cheated on and lonely to find someone. I was leaning on what happened so much, fixated on her and the demise of my world and so far gone to realize that if I had been emotionally healthy when we met, if I respected myself, if I loved myself in anyway, I would have never have dated her to begin with or if so, I would have left immediately after the first round of crazy.

The loneliness of no contact, the breach of the relationship and the void itself is the scary part because without them around to fixate on or caretake for, we are simply left with ourselves and the realization that we are the ones who require the caretaking not them. Unable to care for ourselves to begin with, it feels helpless and hopeless. How can I fix me when I never knew I was broken from the start?

To be alone for me was the answer. The pain, the misery of failure were all things I had to face head on. The first act of self love is to accept you aren't perfect. I looked into a mirror, a wreck of no sleep and self misery and I apologized to my reflection for ever thinking I was worthless. For ever treating myself with such lack of respect and allowing myself to be emotionally manipulated and abused by someone else. I sat with the pain, the tears came out and I let them. It was time to focus on me. It was me that needed the caretaking all along. She was just the distraction but never the answer.

I started eating right. I started exercising. I did things I never did before like go to the movies by myself. I called old friends from college I hadn't talked to in years on their birthdays and rekindled old friendships. I never once considered dating. I knew that the answer was not going to be externally found. The answer was in the strength I would derive from getting through this. I cut out the bad people in my life that were negative. I focused on work. I went fishing by myself. I listened to music that made me happy. I'd wake up at 5am and walk as the sun rose. I searched for the beauty in life that is all around us. I started volunteering at an animal clinic.

As I did these things I started to feel better about myself, about who I was. I had a big and good heart. I was never the bad guy she made me out to be, which I knew deep down but it took time to realize it again. Walks became jogs, jogs became 5k races on weekends, in competition with nobody but myself from the previous week. The more I pushed through the more strength I found to push harder.

I didn't date for 2 years and by then my perspective was totally different on myself, the world around me and what I wanted out of my life. I wrote a lot of letters to nobody, just my thoughts about what a healthy relationship is, what were the core things that mattered to me in another person and in myself, and I wrote letters to her that I never sent.  Some were angry, some sad, but those feelings regardless were purged from me and the layers of anxiety, guilt, pain, and countless acts of crazy were reprocessed by writing them all out.  I just kept doing all of these things and kept promising myself each day I'd do it again the next.

I realized the only person I owed anything to was me and it was to get well again. You can not heal when you are around your ex BPD anymore than a cancer patient can get better by spending their time in a room full of plutonium.

Fast forward and I've been married to the most wonderful person in this world now since July. We dated for 5 years, and I met her 2 years after the break in which I decided I wasn't going to live my life hating myself or treating myself so poorly anymore. We set the expectations for how other people treat us. When someone walks on you, if you choose not to move it's not so much them as it is our choice to become that doormat on which they wipe their feet. The power was never with them to fix us, it's with us to fix ourselves.

I look back on those times now and I wouldn't change anything about any of it. At the time I thought I was living in hell but the truth is, I needed her to destroy me because that was the only way I ever figured out that I was the one who needed caretaking. The suffering of that relationship is just a chapter in my past now but one I'm thankful for. It took being destroyed for me to become the person Iam today.

God Bless.

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Firsttimefather
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« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2021, 10:00:43 AM »

Thank you so much for your reply. I feel a bit better waking up today and saw your response first thing this morning. I agree with the realization I am who was needing the caretaking. I reached out in a time of need and was rope for the picking I suppose. I’m going to read your letter again and again as a good reminder to keep it together. I look forward to getting back to the gym, it’s been a little over a week. Better days to come and thanks again.
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jackyjoy123
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« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2021, 06:20:45 AM »

thanks for the awesome information.
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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2022, 10:44:54 AM »

Wow, this is exactly what I needed and gives me hope and a blueprint for healing. Thank you truly!
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So many questions
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« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2022, 01:54:15 PM »

Firsttimefather,
Your story is exactly like mine. Wow.
To lose someone you never even had. Gut punch.

My ex lied, cheated, disappeared, said the most hurtful personal things imaginable over the smallest “transgressions”, humiliated me infront of others countless times and it too ended with the cops during her largest psychological break down of them all.

That was her out. She kept me on recycle for 3 months until her replacement was lined up. Now I don’t exist. At all. The smear campaign has only intensified.

She told me “no one gets me like you” and that one has been the hardest to let go. I really did understand her. Even before knowing what BPD was. I saw her almost break through. Admit her mind wasn’t well. She wanted to break free. She wanted a life with me. But she just couldn’t get control of this complex disorder. That kills me.

I don’t know how to move on. I guess it’s just detaching. This woman was horrible for me. I revolved every second of the day around her needs and emotions. I no longer went out alone. I rarely saw friends. I shoved my life to the side. And still, nothing worked. I could say one word wrong, and next thing I know I’m the devil.

There was no solve. For us to last, I would’ve had to been someone I’m not. I want respect. I want communication. I am so forgiving, but still never saw dishonesty. It’s a mind warp. None of it makes sense.

I’m praying for you, friend.
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So many questions
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« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2022, 02:05:18 PM »

Anxiety5

I streamed tears of comfort as I read your post.

I too, loved to be her caretaker. Her life was in shambles and I was such a sturdy remedy. There was times she was SO thankful for me. So happy to have me in her life. She felt she needed me and that felt so good. She told me I saved her. The exact thing we all want to hear.

She was the girl of my dreams. Literally. The one person I always spoke of wanting. The one person who made me feel like a middle schooler when she spoke to me, before we dated. My feelings existed long before we ever spoke intimately.

And she knew that and said all the things to reel me in. I was hooked immediately. She was telling me “I’m your one and only,  nobody else” “I never wanted marriage or kids, but you made me realize I do” - while sleeping with someone else. She was capable of infidelity in the idealization phase! Mind blowing to say the least.

She was fresh out a 5 year relationship and I was the replacement. I am high value, social status, business owner. But at the same time, I was a broken love addict, with enough insecurities to fill an arena; all the makings for the perfect replacement.

I can’t admit her feelings weren’t real. I can’t. There were too many times we almost broke through. I was the first s/o other to challenge her and her behavior. To stand up to her. She is absolutely stunning and chose weak partners who let her get away with whatever.

That was my own mistake. Exposing her. But I couldn’t be a doormat, even if I was. I still never walked away through all of it and honestly, I never would have. She had me forever.

I’m thankful to read your story and I’m so happy you found healthy love. That’s all I want. But I won’t find that until I take care of me. I’m trying. It isn’t easy. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just here at the bottom.

I’ve had bad luck with love. I’ve been cheated on by 3 of 5 serious relationships. I know it has to do with me and my insecurities.

So I’m committed to being alone. And I don’t care if it takes the rest of my life, I want to be a whole person who takes care of me.

Thank you for your words. They sit strong in my mind.
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Good Intentions
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« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2022, 10:12:46 AM »

@Anxiety5 - thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.
There was a ton that resonated with me, but there was one particular phrase I wanted to discuss:

"omnipresent almost psychic sense" - I entered my r/s with my ex-pwBPD with a variety of insecurities, and in hindsight it does feel like my ex had an intuitive sense for what those insecurities were, and it has been stated on other websites & forums that in some ways, pwBPD are actually pretty perceptive...obviously we all know that in most instances, their perception/interpretation is completely disordered but I digress.

As @So many questions described, it's as if she knew the exact things to say to "reel me in" based on her intimate knowledge of my insecurities. Over the course of almost 4 years together, there were plenty of momentary bursts of love-bombing language, but I'm now dealing with the depressing realization that it might just have been her subconscious effort to control me by, as @Anxiety5 put it, "filling those [emotional] wounds". During the idealization phase, she soothed some of those insecurities in a way that I probably wasn't even aware of until right now.

Example - one of my bigger fears in the r/s was being cheated on...at first, my ex wanted to assure me that she would never do that, she respects me enough to break up with me if she were ever in that kind of situation emotionally, etc. But there was one particular instance in the final month of our r/s in which (by her own admission) she intentionally weaponized that insecurity to punish me in some way.

She was about to leave town for a bachelorette party and we had some sort of conflict. In her presumably dysregulated state, she described how she didn't feel an emotional connection with me in that moment & therefore I deserved no loyalty from her...her exact words were "this is when people cheat" and when I pressed her to clarify what she meant, she basically doubled-down.

My guess is that, like dozens of instances before, her intentional attempt to try to hurt me emotionally by alluding to the possibility of her cheating was simply her BPD brain not knowing how to process/react to whatever her own emotions were in that moment in a healthy way. And if I stop to think about it, I doubt this is the only time she manipulated me via her intimate knowledge of my emotional psyche.

I see a connection between the pain I experienced in that example and the exact opposite - the love-bombing described previously - which is that they both revolve around my insecurity and her sense for it.

Anyone else have a similar experience?
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T0M
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« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2022, 11:44:33 AM »

Anxiety5

Wow, just wow.
A must read for all codependent people.

Makes me reflect on my own situation. Not strong enough to quit.
I was so proud that my GF told me our relationship was the longest after her marriage. She had 4 or 5 relations between her marriage and me, which lasted 5 to 6 months.

But now I realize, the others were strong enough to stop the relationship before they were knee deep in it.
And I can now see that I am not better than those other man, I'm just more dependent.

Thanks again!
 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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T0M
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« Reply #9 on: March 10, 2022, 11:45:21 AM »

.
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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2022, 10:23:31 PM »

Firsttimefather,
Your story is exactly like mine. Wow.
To lose someone you never even had. Gut punch.

My ex lied, cheated, disappeared, said the most hurtful personal things imaginable over the smallest “transgressions”, humiliated me infront of others countless times and it too ended with the cops during her largest psychological break down of them all.

That was her out. She kept me on recycle for 3 months until her replacement was lined up. Now I don’t exist. At all. The smear campaign has only intensified.

She told me “no one gets me like you” and that one has been the hardest to let go. I really did understand her. Even before knowing what BPD was. I saw her almost break through. Admit her mind wasn’t well. She wanted to break free. She wanted a life with me. But she just couldn’t get control of this complex disorder. That kills me.

I don’t know how to move on. I guess it’s just detaching. This woman was horrible for me. I revolved every second of the day around her needs and emotions. I no longer went out alone. I rarely saw friends. I shoved my life to the side. And still, nothing worked. I could say one word wrong, and next thing I know I’m the devil.

There was no solve. For us to last, I would’ve had to been someone I’m not. I want respect. I want communication. I am so forgiving, but still never saw dishonesty. It’s a mind warp. None of it makes sense.

I’m praying for you, friend.

100% the same thing that happened to me, well said
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WhatToDo47
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 465



« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2022, 10:27:38 PM »

Anxiety5

I streamed tears of comfort as I read your post.

I too, loved to be her caretaker. Her life was in shambles and I was such a sturdy remedy. There was times she was SO thankful for me. So happy to have me in her life. She felt she needed me and that felt so good. She told me I saved her. The exact thing we all want to hear.

She was the girl of my dreams. Literally. The one person I always spoke of wanting. The one person who made me feel like a middle schooler when she spoke to me, before we dated. My feelings existed long before we ever spoke intimately.

And she knew that and said all the things to reel me in. I was hooked immediately. She was telling me “I’m your one and only,  nobody else” “I never wanted marriage or kids, but you made me realize I do” - while sleeping with someone else. She was capable of infidelity in the idealization phase! Mind blowing to say the least.

She was fresh out a 5 year relationship and I was the replacement. I am high value, social status, business owner. But at the same time, I was a broken love addict, with enough insecurities to fill an arena; all the makings for the perfect replacement.

I can’t admit her feelings weren’t real. I can’t. There were too many times we almost broke through. I was the first s/o other to challenge her and her behavior. To stand up to her. She is absolutely stunning and chose weak partners who let her get away with whatever.

That was my own mistake. Exposing her. But I couldn’t be a doormat, even if I was. I still never walked away through all of it and honestly, I never would have. She had me forever.

I’m thankful to read your story and I’m so happy you found healthy love. That’s all I want. But I won’t find that until I take care of me. I’m trying. It isn’t easy. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just here at the bottom.

I’ve had bad luck with love. I’ve been cheated on by 3 of 5 serious relationships. I know it has to do with me and my insecurities.

So I’m committed to being alone. And I don’t care if it takes the rest of my life, I want to be a whole person who takes care of me.

Thank you for your words. They sit strong in my mind.

Hang in there. I heard all of the same things. It hurts us because we ARE capable of real, healthy, deep love. They aren't and, sadly, never will be. I know we all here have better times ahead if we just keep working on ourselves and don't give up. Don't blame yourself for other people cheating on you. That's NEVER your fault. Like me, I think you have to dig deep and find out what attracts you to people who would cheat on you. It sounds like an odd concept at first, but I think there's something to it.

Like you, I NEVER would have left her or cheated on her. EVER. Women like us exist, too, we just have to find them and attract them by healing ourselves. At least that's my 2 cents, worth about 2 cents less than that haha
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WhatToDo47
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Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 465



« Reply #12 on: March 11, 2022, 10:36:09 PM »

@Anxiety5 - thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.
There was a ton that resonated with me, but there was one particular phrase I wanted to discuss:

"omnipresent almost psychic sense" - I entered my r/s with my ex-pwBPD with a variety of insecurities, and in hindsight it does feel like my ex had an intuitive sense for what those insecurities were, and it has been stated on other websites & forums that in some ways, pwBPD are actually pretty perceptive...obviously we all know that in most instances, their perception/interpretation is completely disordered but I digress.

As @So many questions described, it's as if she knew the exact things to say to "reel me in" based on her intimate knowledge of my insecurities. Over the course of almost 4 years together, there were plenty of momentary bursts of love-bombing language, but I'm now dealing with the depressing realization that it might just have been her subconscious effort to control me by, as @Anxiety5 put it, "filling those [emotional] wounds". During the idealization phase, she soothed some of those insecurities in a way that I probably wasn't even aware of until right now.

Example - one of my bigger fears in the r/s was being cheated on...at first, my ex wanted to assure me that she would never do that, she respects me enough to break up with me if she were ever in that kind of situation emotionally, etc. But there was one particular instance in the final month of our r/s in which (by her own admission) she intentionally weaponized that insecurity to punish me in some way.

She was about to leave town for a bachelorette party and we had some sort of conflict. In her presumably dysregulated state, she described how she didn't feel an emotional connection with me in that moment & therefore I deserved no loyalty from her...her exact words were "this is when people cheat" and when I pressed her to clarify what she meant, she basically doubled-down.

My guess is that, like dozens of instances before, her intentional attempt to try to hurt me emotionally by alluding to the possibility of her cheating was simply her BPD brain not knowing how to process/react to whatever her own emotions were in that moment in a healthy way. And if I stop to think about it, I doubt this is the only time she manipulated me via her intimate knowledge of my emotional psyche.

I see a connection between the pain I experienced in that example and the exact opposite - the love-bombing described previously - which is that they both revolve around my insecurity and her sense for it.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

I had a VERY similar experience. When I met my soon to be ex wife, I was coming off of a relationship that turned long distance when that ex moved back to her home state, promising to return, and never did. My wife could see how that hurt me and promised she would never abandon me if I never abandoned her despite her "crazy" and "temper." I never, ever did. I kept my word.

She also knows how much I despise and am afraid of being cheated on. She assured me she never had or would cheat. I never even so much as talked to women other than her.

Towards the end, she started saying bizarre and very hurtful things, such as "do you have an STD from cheating on me?" "some girls buy vibrators and some are just sluts" "maybe I'll call the fire department and there will be some hot guys that come."

Then, one day she got extremely dysregulated for a reason I still don't understand and she probably doesn't either, went back to her home state promising to return but not doing so (just like my previous ex), said she will be hanging out with guy friends there but I have to "trust her" and they "mean her no harm," cheated on me there, moved in with that new guy, and discarded me and ended out 5 year marriage, something we had agreed would never happen without at least trying marriage counseling, which she refused. And, as she was packing up to go, she looked at me dead serious and said "why are you freaking out, this is all because YOU have a fear of abandonment" (can you say projection?).

So much for her care and concern for me and our marriage!

So, yes, I can relate.

I feel sorry for the replacement. He has no idea what he's in for.
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WhatToDo47
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Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 465



« Reply #13 on: March 11, 2022, 10:37:40 PM »

Anxiety5

Wow, just wow.
A must read for all codependent people.

Makes me reflect on my own situation. Not strong enough to quit.
I was so proud that my GF told me our relationship was the longest after her marriage. She had 4 or 5 relations between her marriage and me, which lasted 5 to 6 months.

But now I realize, the others were strong enough to stop the relationship before they were knee deep in it.
And I can now see that I am not better than those other man, I'm just more dependent.

Thanks again!
 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I can relate to this, too. I used to take it as a badge of honor how long our marriage lasted. Now, I'm starting to see that I'm just the codependent sucker who had the most life for her to leech out, use, and abuse. Hence, my therapy now to figure out how I tolerated this and NEVER to do so again.
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T0M
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« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2022, 02:20:13 AM »

Hence, my therapy now to figure out how I tolerated this and NEVER to do so again.

I hope I'm a step ahead of therapy. But more important, I hope we are taking a step in the right direction in our relationship.

I can really see now, after the post of Anxiety5, that I'm  as much to blame as my GF with BPD. If people with BPD tend to kick around, we can choose to stand close to them and be kicked, or to walk away, and to avoid being kicked.
In a way we (codependent people) are emotional sadomasochists. Maybe the lack of emotions from our partners is worse for us than anger, or jealousy.

Don't get me wrong, if everyone was a codependent, the world would be a beautiful place. But it is not.

I started to realize that I'm codependent when I started reflecting on my past. I'm still friends with a guy that runs out of friends faster than anyone I've seen before. He is a typical NPD. Doesn't listen to anything I say, and lies all the time. Yet here I am, still being the loyal friend.

Another example. I was the only one who was still saying the new GF of my nephew was a good woman. Although most of my family discarded her, and did not wanted  to have her around. After 4 years she cheated on my nephew and they divorced. So the others were wright, she really was not ok - probably also BPD.

And these examples are numerous. I was a people leader in a previous job, but I quit that job because I could not say to a person that he did something wrong or needed to contribute more. It would keep me awake at night for weeks.

Again, we are not bad people. If anything, we are the most gentle and nice people you can imagine. Another friend of me once told me that my superpower was that I never ever say anything bad about someone else. That I defended everyone. That was the biggest compliment anyone could give me. But this strength, is also my weakness, my Kryptonite.

Since I read the post of Anxiety5, I started to consciously evaluate and alter my 'natural' behavior.

Two examples that were so eye opening for me:

1) My GF called me. She saw that I checked out her LinkedIn page and was very suspicious about it. Normally I would start to defend myself or explain in very detail how it happened. But now I thought: 'Did I or was I thinking of doing something wrong?' and the answer was - No. So I told her very bold and brief: 'Honey since when is looking at LinkedIn a crime?' i noticed my voice was very firm, almost sarcastic. She did asked some more questions, but i answered: 'I clicked on LinkedIn, saw your picture and clicked on it. Period!'
And the discussion was over.

2) Normally I go over to her place on Friday evening. We do not live together and every other week I have my kids. In the week that I have my kids, I live at my place. But this week my GF had to work on Saturday. So she said herself that it did not make sense that I would come over on Friday evening because I was going to be alone all Saturday. Now this happened before, and i know that she does not mean it, and she wants me to say that I will be coming over on Friday, because even that one evening together would mean so much for me. We live an hour drive apart from each other. And i would go to her place.
So this time I just said: 'Ok, that is indeed the best thing to do. My house is a mess so I can use that time to clean it. Thanks for the proposal.'

She did texted me asking me if I really wasn't coming over on Friday, but I answered, no, that is what we agreed.

But the most important lesson is that I learned that I was fooling myself. Normally I would have gone over on Friday, convincing myself that that was what I wanted. And even when I was with her, and she would ignore me, or be insulting me, I was thinking: 'I'm glad I came, because she is in a very bad place at the moment.'

But now, that I did not go, I realized that that is actually what I really wanted. And the guilt of not going, evaporated. I still realize I do love her, and that me saying no, did not change that. I was also afraid that if I would refuse her something, my feelings for her would disappear. But I love her even more now because I know now that it is ok to say NO to her. It is maybe even better!

This post was longer than I anticipated for. But even writing this down, does so much for me.

Have a nice and egoistic weekend all  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2022, 01:37:27 PM »

I've been where you are right now. I used to post here years ago, you can read through my posts and you'll see the suffering I went through dating my BPD ex. I was exactly where you are after that relationship. I'll be honest, 5 years later I still think of her time to time. But it's different. You have to step back from all of it and realize you are damaged right now. I don't mean that disrespectfully, I mean that with empathy and an awareness bc I was the same.

For me? What helped cut the line that she had to my inner soul is the realization that it wasn't real. I didn't miss her. I missed the idea of her. Who would miss being cheated on, lied to, having plates thrown at your head, having someone kick you out of their house an hour after your grandmothers funeral for being told I was selfish for being too needy when she was very busy. They came on strong and fast, we were damaged even when we first met these people and they, the omnipresent almost psychic sense, knew that. So they project to us everything we lack or fail to see in ourselves only to have it stripped away later. They made us whole for a brief moment by filling wounds that were present the day we met. I don't miss her, I missed that brief moment in time where my own shortcomings, misgivings, insecurities and loneliness were washed away by someone who knew I was longing for those pains to end and temporarily offered me the feeling of being whole.

Nobody misses being emotionally abused. We miss feeling whole. And we chase it. It's so powerful that we will allow our world to be destroyed in hopes we can just get things back to the way they were or fix the mess. 

In truth, I came to realize that nobody can fill those voids but me. If I had been emotionally whole or healthy when we had met, I wouldn't have fallen for the long gazes, the lines about how I was special.  Emotionally whole people don't require other people to fill their voids, they view their partner as an external compliment to themselves not as the root of their happiness.

I came to realize that blaming her for my mess was just my own shortcoming in realizing that I wasn't right even when we met. Insecure from previous relationships, being cheated on and lonely to find someone. I was leaning on what happened so much, fixated on her and the demise of my world and so far gone to realize that if I had been emotionally healthy when we met, if I respected myself, if I loved myself in anyway, I would have never have dated her to begin with or if so, I would have left immediately after the first round of crazy.

The loneliness of no contact, the breach of the relationship and the void itself is the scary part because without them around to fixate on or caretake for, we are simply left with ourselves and the realization that we are the ones who require the caretaking not them. Unable to care for ourselves to begin with, it feels helpless and hopeless. How can I fix me when I never knew I was broken from the start?

To be alone for me was the answer. The pain, the misery of failure were all things I had to face head on. The first act of self love is to accept you aren't perfect. I looked into a mirror, a wreck of no sleep and self misery and I apologized to my reflection for ever thinking I was worthless. For ever treating myself with such lack of respect and allowing myself to be emotionally manipulated and abused by someone else. I sat with the pain, the tears came out and I let them. It was time to focus on me. It was me that needed the caretaking all along. She was just the distraction but never the answer.

I started eating right. I started exercising. I did things I never did before like go to the movies by myself. I called old friends from college I hadn't talked to in years on their birthdays and rekindled old friendships. I never once considered dating. I knew that the answer was not going to be externally found. The answer was in the strength I would derive from getting through this. I cut out the bad people in my life that were negative. I focused on work. I went fishing by myself. I listened to music that made me happy. I'd wake up at 5am and walk as the sun rose. I searched for the beauty in life that is all around us. I started volunteering at an animal clinic.

As I did these things I started to feel better about myself, about who I was. I had a big and good heart. I was never the bad guy she made me out to be, which I knew deep down but it took time to realize it again. Walks became jogs, jogs became 5k races on weekends, in competition with nobody but myself from the previous week. The more I pushed through the more strength I found to push harder.

I didn't date for 2 years and by then my perspective was totally different on myself, the world around me and what I wanted out of my life. I wrote a lot of letters to nobody, just my thoughts about what a healthy relationship is, what were the core things that mattered to me in another person and in myself, and I wrote letters to her that I never sent.  Some were angry, some sad, but those feelings regardless were purged from me and the layers of anxiety, guilt, pain, and countless acts of crazy were reprocessed by writing them all out.  I just kept doing all of these things and kept promising myself each day I'd do it again the next.

I realized the only person I owed anything to was me and it was to get well again. You can not heal when you are around your ex BPD anymore than a cancer patient can get better by spending their time in a room full of plutonium.

Fast forward and I've been married to the most wonderful person in this world now since July. We dated for 5 years, and I met her 2 years after the break in which I decided I wasn't going to live my life hating myself or treating myself so poorly anymore. We set the expectations for how other people treat us. When someone walks on you, if you choose not to move it's not so much them as it is our choice to become that doormat on which they wipe their feet. The power was never with them to fix us, it's with us to fix ourselves.

I look back on those times now and I wouldn't change anything about any of it. At the time I thought I was living in hell but the truth is, I needed her to destroy me because that was the only way I ever figured out that I was the one who needed caretaking. The suffering of that relationship is just a chapter in my past now but one I'm thankful for. It took being destroyed for me to become the person Iam today.

God Bless.


 Thank you for sharing. This is the only way out and it’s a tough road. I hope I can come back and share the same story in the future.
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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2022, 07:16:35 PM »


I can see what you’re saying. I had know idea that BPD and NPD even existed, much less the red flags, until after she discarded me the final time. I wish I had. I think most of us here are in the same boat, at least when we first entered into our BPD relationship.

I like your term emotional sadomasochist. I never realized it, but this does describe me. I could deal with it when she was raging, depressed, manic, etc, because it gave me something to go off of. Now, I get nothing, most of the time radio silence. It’s so hard to be able to save someone from suicide, depression, anxiety, rage, etc for all of those years and then… nothing.

I am also a loyal codependent, like you describe. My entire family is telling me to block her, go NC, and move on completely. Yet I don’t. Why? If I’m being honest, it’s because she has no one else, really, and I want to “help” her, which I know that I can’t. I have a principle to never give up on someone, especially a (soon to be former) spouse. But that only works in a world where no one is abusive or personality disordered. I’m slowly learning that.

We share the same kryptonite, my friend. I have been told that I’m the kindest, most loyal, sincere, loving, optimistic, never give up person, by multiple people, but that can also be a weakness.

Thank you for sharing those examples, they are very helpful, and good examples of some of the communication tools and proper boundaries and assertiveness that are found on this site and elsewhere.
I am also starting to say no to her, and it is refreshing. It’s nice to have some boundaries when someone is acting abusively and/or manipulatively.
I think you are doing great, and it helped me a lot to read your post and experiences.
Have a great weekend all!

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« Reply #17 on: March 12, 2022, 07:16:53 PM »

Thank you for sharing. This is the only way out and it’s a tough road. I hope I can come back and share the same story in the future.

You and me both haha
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LaRonge

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« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2022, 02:15:59 PM »


I look back on those times now and I wouldn't change anything about any of it. At the time I thought I was living in hell but the truth is, I needed her to destroy me because that was the only way I ever figured out that I was the one who needed caretaking. The suffering of that relationship is just a chapter in my past now but one I'm thankful for. It took being destroyed for me to become the person Iam today.

God Bless.


This is incredibly inspiring. I was discarded for the last time about a month and a half ago, and it was devastating. I've gone through all the pain and torment many people here have experienced, but in my better moments I've also realized that this is an opportunity, and might have been exactly the thing I need to actually learn to love and respect myself after a lifetime of insecurity and shame. I only went no contact with my ex less than a month ago, so I'm still raw, but have started to see that the real work I have to do is up to me, and that no one can do it for me. So thanks for sharing your story.
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« Reply #19 on: March 25, 2022, 10:21:00 PM »

This is incredibly inspiring. I was discarded for the last time about a month and a half ago, and it was devastating. I've gone through all the pain and torment many people here have experienced, but in my better moments I've also realized that this is an opportunity, and might have been exactly the thing I need to actually learn to love and respect myself after a lifetime of insecurity and shame. I only went no contact with my ex less than a month ago, so I'm still raw, but have started to see that the real work I have to do is up to me, and that no one can do it for me. So thanks for sharing your story.

Well said! Rooting for you and please let all of us here know if we can help in any way. Just passed 6 months after a brutal, cruel, heartless discard by my BPD wife of 5 years. While this has been painful and miserable, I am already growing stronger, the FOG is lifting, and I know that better times are ahead if I just keep working on myself. One thing is for sure, I don't EVER want to go through this again. We ALL deserve better.
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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #20 on: March 25, 2022, 10:22:37 PM »

I have some friends who have also gone through divorce with a pwBPD, and also all of my new friends on this site. When she left, and I was devastated, so many of them said "you don't know it yet, but this is a blessing in disguise, the beginning of your healing, a better, happier, healthier, brighter life." That was a very hard pill to swallow, but I'm beginning to see the truth in it.
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Mack1

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« Reply #21 on: March 26, 2022, 01:43:23 AM »

Hey mate. I know it’s hard but I suggest when you think of a good time, get your brain remembering 3 bad things, I’m sure you’ve got plenty. I’m in my second discard phase; one 10 years ago before we got married and one about January where she delivered the news like some stupid 16 year old instead of a highly educated woman in her 40’s.
BPD or not, they know how to hurt with words so do your best to show a ‘PLEASE READ you’ face and agree with them that it’s the right decision.
My brain controls my emotions, not the other way round like them. Every negative emotion is them winning, screw that.
I admit the first time I was devastated, now I’m elated she’s finally want to quit as I’ve found this site, I know she’s a lost cause and any texts you get, I suggest you think of a reply which  festers in their self-centered brain and gets their head spinning.
Sorry guys, but I have anger how she’s been all this time and can’t wait to see the crash when it comes.
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« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2022, 01:21:16 PM »

It’s been one month no contact so far… it’s been literally a roller coaster of emotions… one day horrific… one day not so bad… the next pretty ok..
I’m really low today… I think I got infected by her illness seriously
Any directions to navigate this rough road?
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« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2022, 01:51:00 PM »

It’s been one month no contact so far… it’s been literally a roller coaster of emotions… one day horrific… one day not so bad… the next pretty ok..
I’m really low today… I think I got infected by her illness seriously
Any directions to navigate this rough road?

For me the entire first month was awful, even though I was doing all the things I was supposed to do (therapy, meditation, exercise, not drinking, eating well). It started to get better at about a month and half after breakup (and about three weeks no contact). On top of the things mentioned above, the best things I did was get a co-working space so that I could get out of the house, which was killing me, and join a running group, to meet new people. Also, I've really cut down on drinking. I was drinking a lot in a seriously misguided attempt to keep the relationship alive, since her drinking was a huge source of conflict for us, and am starting to see how much more enjoyable life can be without excessive drinking (I still have a beer or two a few times a week, but that's about it). Good luck. Hopefully in a few weeks you'll notice the misery start to lift and will see that as horrible as it is to go through this, it's a real growth opportunity for you.
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Mack1

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« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2022, 01:51:27 PM »

Here’s an idea. I know it might not help that much, but instead of thinking it’s been a week/month with ‘no contact’, instead tell yourself it’s been a week/month with ‘peace and no drama’.
And just try to remember, the days will get better, like your hair growing, you might not see it or feel it, but it’s happening a little bit every day. You’ll see. Keep your chin up and get in touch if you need to.
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« Reply #25 on: March 26, 2022, 07:32:18 PM »

Great advice all.

Mack1, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to reconcile and go through this again in 10 years. Stories like that give me motivation to resist any recycle attempts. From where you are now, any advice on resisting a recycle attempt that I know is coming?

Hermetyko, hang in there and please keep posting on here! I also have good days and really hard ones. I can't go full no contact right now because we are going through a divorce and need to communicate about that, taxes, etc. If we used the lawyers for everything it would cost a fortune that neither of us have.

I'm finding it helpful to write a list of things that I miss and then go through them with my therapist or with my family and friends who were around when she was here. Turns out ALOT of what I miss never really happened like that (eg I remember her being sweet but she was actually just being manipulative/using/mirroring), also almost everything I miss literally any woman would provide and provide so in a healthy, consistent way.

I have a dog and it helps a lot to take her for hikes, to read articles on this site. I don't know if you're religious and I'm not trying to convert anyone but I do find prayer and faith that it HAS to get better at some point if I do the right things now help.

I also imagine that I've just suffered emotional broken bones, every bone in my emotional body, the compassion that that will take time to heal and it's okay and normal to have moments of sadness is helpful.

Also, it helped me to research the addictive nature of these relationships and really think of those hard days as the equivalent of a heroin addict going through withdrawal because that's kind of what's going on in your brain.

Mack1 is right, these are days of healing and one day closer to our lives getting back on track, it takes time to rebuild a shattered life, but we can and will build back stronger. whereas for the pwBPD, sadly, it's just another day in the cycle unless they get years and years of therapy, and even then it's no guarantee. Early in my journey, someone gave me the mental image of a peaceful, sunny meadow - think about what that happy, healthy future that you DO want looks like, and take some active steps to get there, even if it's something small.

Hope that helps, and I know it still sucks!

If you have any specific questions or details about your situation, we are all here for you! This website and these forums are a lifesaver, literally.
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Mack1

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« Reply #26 on: March 27, 2022, 10:21:19 PM »

My advice is don’t be hard on yourself for finding it hard to resist contact when there is a chance, I did it and others too simply because we’re human and remember the WHOLE relationship, good and bad both equally so it makes sense if you don’t know there is an illness to try again. Millions of couples break-up and come back stronger, and I’m pretty sure that’s what everyone thinks after their first dumping so reconciliation seems a second chance which is understandable as you think rationally.
But now you know it will come again.
I’m 47 and I’m thanking my lucky stars this ‘splitting’ came now as I’m still young enough to move on.
Stay strong.


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« Reply #27 on: March 30, 2022, 10:23:01 PM »

My advice is don’t be hard on yourself for finding it hard to resist contact when there is a chance, I did it and others too simply because we’re human and remember the WHOLE relationship, good and bad both equally so it makes sense if you don’t know there is an illness to try again. Millions of couples break-up and come back stronger, and I’m pretty sure that’s what everyone thinks after their first dumping so reconciliation seems a second chance which is understandable as you think rationally.
But now you know it will come again.
I’m 47 and I’m thanking my lucky stars this ‘splitting’ came now as I’m still young enough to move on.
Stay strong.




Thank you, that is all excellent advice. I am finding myself stronger the more and more I learn about BPD and realize that this isn't the standard couple has an argument and reconciles it situation. She has NEVER done that in any of her relationships, romantic or otherwise. There's always another BPD cycle. I can't expect to be treated any differently or for it to work, that's my own craziness. Really appreciate your perspective as always.
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NotAHero
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« Reply #28 on: March 31, 2022, 10:29:57 AM »

Thank you, that is all excellent advice. I am finding myself stronger the more and more I learn about BPD and realize that this isn't the standard couple has an argument and reconciles it situation. She has NEVER done that in any of her relationships, romantic or otherwise. There's always another BPD cycle. I can't expect to be treated any differently or for it to work, that's my own craziness. Really appreciate your perspective as always.

 The more I detach the more I learn how disordered a pwbpd can be. In my case she is trying to get me back in twisted ways.

 If they discarded / cheated, it is NEVER ok to take them back. Not ever. I wish I can write a book on why to help those in doubt out there. Just don’t do it, don’t consider it, accept it’s over and move on.
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« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2022, 10:14:35 PM »

The more I detach the more I learn how disordered a pwbpd can be. In my case she is trying to get me back in twisted ways.

 If they discarded / cheated, it is NEVER ok to take them back. Not ever. I wish I can write a book on why to help those in doubt out there. Just don’t do it, don’t consider it, accept it’s over and move on.

That sounds miserable. And is also very helpful. Mine didn't technically cheat as she told me she wanted a divorce and THEN cheated, but I call that cheating. Thank you for the warning as I'm likely to get a recycle attempt soon. I would ask what happened but I see a newer post about recycles from you so I'll read and respond over there soon. Thank you.

Maybe we should all write a book and make it mandatory reading for those about to date. Heaven knows I could have used some warning for this nightmare.
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