The sadness of no contact/disconnecting

[Good Intentions]

I really did understand her. Even before knowing what BPD was. I saw her almost break through. Admit her mind wasn’t well. She wanted to break free. She wanted a life with me. But she just couldn’t get control of this complex disorder. That kills me.

I don’t know how to move on. I guess it’s just detaching. This woman was horrible for me. I revolved every second of the day around her needs and emotions. I no longer went out alone. I rarely saw friends. I shoved my life to the side. And still, nothing worked. I could say one word wrong, and next thing I know I’m the devil.

coming back to this thread because I've been struggling recently and these posts are packed with both validation and wisdom.

I think one of the many things that continue to torment me almost a year after I was discarded for the final time (after the last 12-18 months of a 4-year relationship being defined by her constantly threatening to leave the relationship and abusing me mentally and emotionally) is the confusion that resulted from feeling like she was finally ready & willing to see herself as part of the problem.
After her own therapist "diagnosed" her with BPD (she's technically only a licensed counselor so she was very non-committal about labeling her opinion as an official diagnosis), my ex-pwBPD at least started going through the motions of self-reflection, finding a DBT program, etc. but in reality I know she wasn't committed to the "break-through". In all likelihood, she was just going through the motions with the hopes that doing so would get me to ease up on my attempts to establish healthy boundaries in the r/s and not tolerate her angry, hurtful outbursts.
In my opinion, it feels like she ultimately chose to abandon me (ironic given her abandonment issues which plagued our r/s for 4 years) because that was easier to process than the feelings of guilt & shame that would naturally come from owning her toxic behavior in the r/s.
I tend to still believe that she wishes her emotional regulation system were more "normal" because she's smart enough to see how it impacts her relationships (both friendly & intimate), but clearly she didn't want a life with me enough to put in any sort of meaningful self-work, and that hurts...

[WhatToDo47]

coming back to this thread because I've been struggling recently and these posts are packed with both validation and wisdom.

I think one of the many things that continue to torment me almost a year after I was discarded for the final time (after the last 12-18 months of a 4-year relationship being defined by her constantly threatening to leave the relationship and abusing me mentally and emotionally) is the confusion that resulted from feeling like she was finally ready & willing to see herself as part of the problem.
After her own therapist "diagnosed" her with BPD (she's technically only a licensed counselor so she was very non-committal about labeling her opinion as an official diagnosis), my ex-pwBPD at least started going through the motions of self-reflection, finding a DBT program, etc. but in reality I know she wasn't committed to the "break-through". In all likelihood, she was just going through the motions with the hopes that doing so would get me to ease up on my attempts to establish healthy boundaries in the r/s and not tolerate her angry, hurtful outbursts.
In my opinion, it feels like she ultimately chose to abandon me (ironic given her abandonment issues which plagued our r/s for 4 years) because that was easier to process than the feelings of guilt & shame that would naturally come from owning her toxic behavior in the r/s.
I tend to still believe that she wishes her emotional regulation system were more "normal" because she's smart enough to see how it impacts her relationships (both friendly & intimate), but clearly she didn't want a life with me enough to put in any sort of meaningful self-work, and that hurts...

Hi friend, I'm not on here much anymore, but you are in the right place. The great people here will love and support you and help you heal. I encourage you to post this as a new thread if you didn't already and I know you will get a ton of support! Just know that if she is BPD, her behavior isn't personal. None of us deserve to be abused, no one does. Sending love, prayers, and support for you and for her and all who need! Feel free to DM me anytime and I will reply even if it's delayed as I'm not on here too much anymore.

The pain in your message is so familiar, but it can and will get better. Just don't give up and get some therapy if you can! Post and read on here and learn about BPD and be around as many healthy people who love and support you as you can.

[Tojian]

Wow this feed it me like a train.
Of the hours and hours of reading forums, help pages etc this is the one that rang the truest of all.
The worst part about my latest one is I knew I was this way.
I also knew I needed saving too and made the monumental mistake of putting those words into her mouth very early on.
She reciprocated exactly the same way.
Sucked me in with her numerous abusive ex’s, victim past and love bombing.
She made my codependency seem like it was the best thing that ever happened to her then slowly watched me expand with her own misery and lack of self esteem. I was gulping it in time after time whilst my own self esteem, self respect and self love slowly digested and seeped out of my backside.
Real stories and lies gradually popped up but I was too far in to realise what it truly meant, i didn’t want to know, I did but I couldn’t, it wasn’t part of the love story.
Deep down I knew it was all wrong, the therapy from my last nightmare was hovering in my subconscious. That began seeping out via my voice box then one last projection, gaslighting, bullying and devaluation and what I had slowly built up exploded Big Boy style and she’s gone.
Nobody to care for, nobodies fears and pain to gulp up, nobody to make me feel whole again.
2 weeks of pure misery then my past therapy, some amazing friends and family and the power of the internet and I’m slowly drifting from it.
Back and forth I go, guilt, shame, fear, anger, acceptance.
My own cycle running adjacent to hers.

Reading some of you coming good, reading some of you still catching the tough breaks and reading I am not alone is the most powerful thing I have experienced.
I know it’s not over, there still so much to sort through with a mediator as useful as a chocolate teapot but once the break is clean, please god allow it to stay severed for good.
Thank you all so much for sharing and I do hope those of you that aren’t there quite yet find your peace, love and happiness.

[Pook075]

I can relate to so many of the stories here.  My breakup has only been about 5 months (after 24 years of marriage) and at first, I could only focus on the intense love I had for my BPD wife.  I thought we had a great marriage because that's where my focus has always been, on the good stuff in life regardless of what obstacles got in the way.  I've always been the eternal optimist, I can conquer anything if I just work a little harder, focus a little longer, etc.

But that empathy and determination really made this breakup 1,000x harder than it needed to be.

Maybe in the 3rd month, I started really examining my marriage and some recurring themes began to pop out.  Being physically attacked over a minor disagreement, her leaving, then days of the silent treatment.  She'd return 3-5 days later incredibly loving and apologetic, and making up was...well, you know.  Fireworks.

So maybe 6 years into marriage, after three separations and countless powder keg moments, I decided that I wouldn't argue anymore.  If she disappeared with her family, then I'd wait until she got home and we'd enjoy the evening together.  If we had plans for the weekend and she was stuck in bed with a migraine (which I now know was from BPD anxiety), there's always next week.  If our bedroom is a disaster and I can't find a single pair of socks, oh well...I've always been neat, tidy and organized, but I'll let that go too.

One by one, I took little pieces of myself and tossed them away.  Great friendships that caused fierce jealousy- I walked away from them.  Traveling to see close relatives in another state; no time for that anymore.  My passions in life, like sports and working out, I gave them all up.  All to be the loving, supportive husband that was probably alone over 50% of my 24 year marriage.  My wife was always faithful, but at the same time she was always running from one family member to the next, wherever the most happiness was to be found in the moment.

I also became a workaholic to support my family and my wife's constant need for validation through gifts, trips, etc.  Not blaming her for this, I chose this path and chose to endlessly spoil her, but I literally had a heart attack at 42 from so much stress in my life.  I had to fill my time somewhere though since I was compensating for such an empty marriage, and I had no clue what I was actually doing to myself.

I never saw the splitting either- it was one person after another throughout the marriage.  Something minor would happen, and that person was essentially dead to my wife.  And if I didn't understand why she had to go to such extremes, then we were right back in the cycle of her shutting down, detaching, etc.  All these patterns were there for the entire 24 year marriage and the 2 years before that as we dated...but I chose not to see any of it.  I thought my wife was a loving, compassionate woman who just needed to always stay busy with friends and family.

Five months after separating and a few months of no contact, I am more torn on my marriage than I've ever been torn on anything.  On one hand, I realize how destructive my wife's been and I want nothing to do with her behavior anymore.  A small part of me still hopes that she'll stop by tonight and want to talk or fool around...which is probably the worst possible thing for me.  Then the rest of me completely hates her for trashing me to our family, turning my daughter against me, etc.  My wife denies her diagnosis and has convinced her family that I've manipulated all of them, so I don't know how to fully forgive when she's still creating chaos in my life.

My point in all of this is that I'm still far from "all right", but I can say that I'm back to being me once again.  The house is organized.  I actually laugh with friends and family.  I'm focused on my health (both mental/physical), and I can express my feelings now without worrying about extreme blowback.  I'm also back in church and making new friends, and I honestly feel 10 years younger- coworkers say I look it as well. 

None of us realize how much stress, anger, and resentment we carry around while trying to care for our loved one that won't care for themselves...it's completely exhausting.  And now I know that it's not fair either.  None of us are meant to work 10x harder than our spouse to have a happy marriage.  I read somewhere that marriage is not supposed to be 50/50...it should be 100% effort from both spouses, 100% of the time.  Hopefully someday I can find that since it would be great to know what it feels like.

[cranmango]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Pook075. Much of what you say resonates with me. This in particular:

None of us realize how much stress, anger, and resentment we carry around while trying to care for our loved one that won't care for themselves...it's completely exhausting.  And now I know that it's not fair either.  None of us are meant to work 10x harder than our spouse to have a happy marriage.  I read somewhere that marriage is not supposed to be 50/50...it should be 100% effort from both spouses, 100% of the time.  Hopefully someday I can find that since it would be great to know what it feels like.

As my ex was breaking up with me for the last time, she said one thing in particular that has stuck with me. She said she never understood why I didn't take care of myself more. And in a way, she's totally right. I didn't take care of myself. I poured so much of my energy each and every day into taking care of her. I chose to do that. I thought that's how I could show my love. I found meaning in it. But by the end, I was completely drained and hollowed out.

Since the breakup? I've lost some weight, been exercising more, and sleeping more. Some chronic physical symptoms have cleared up entirely. I've strengthened old friendships and made some new friendships. In short, I'm taking care of my mental and physical health more than I have in years.

And still...there's a part of me that misses taking care of her. Despite all the chaos and drama, the daily stress, the fights, the insults, the repeated breakups. Taking care of her made me happy in a very specific way. As I am trying to re-balance my life, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to me to be a caretaker. Why it's such a part of me. I would like to be in a healthy relationship someday. I'm still not quite sure what that looks like. But for now, I am glad to be taking care of myself.

[MeandThee29]

Maybe we should all write a book and make it mandatory reading for those about to date. Heaven knows I could have used some warning for this nightmare.

I was so very naive. I assumed that my ex's good career and family were enough. I didn't ask enough questions and didn't wait long enough to see his true colors, but I knew that I was in trouble on the honeymoon. We had a marriage of several decades followed by a divorce that my attorney called "memorable and unprecedented." My ex had the formal diagnosis, which I believed for so long could be turned around. I was so very naive.

Considering why I even ended up there was so very painful. I loved being a wife and mother, truly. However, my ex was a leaky bucket that no amount of effort would ever fill. He was perpetually unsatisfied with marriage and family and ultimately turned on me as the source of his troubles. Our kids, both in their twenties, saw it all go down and are reluctant to even date.

It is so sad, but the split absolutely had to be. I was telling a friend earlier tonight that I can't even remember now what his voice sounds like because we haven't talked in four years. Had to be...

[WhatToDo47]

Ditto and all the above resonates so much. We all deserve a healthy, non abusive relationships, romantic and otherwise. Everyone does! Hope everyone is having a great day and sending prayers, love, and support!

[Pook075]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Pook075. Much of what you say resonates with me. This in particular:

As my ex was breaking up with me for the last time, she said one thing in particular that has stuck with me. She said she never understood why I didn't take care of myself more. And in a way, she's totally right. I didn't take care of myself. I poured so much of my energy each and every day into taking care of her. I chose to do that. I thought that's how I could show my love. I found meaning in it. But by the end, I was completely drained and hollowed out.

Since the breakup? I've lost some weight, been exercising more, and sleeping more. Some chronic physical symptoms have cleared up entirely. I've strengthened old friendships and made some new friendships. In short, I'm taking care of my mental and physical health more than I have in years.

And still...there's a part of me that misses taking care of her. Despite all the chaos and drama, the daily stress, the fights, the insults, the repeated breakups. Taking care of her made me happy in a very specific way. As I am trying to re-balance my life, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to me to be a caretaker. Why it's such a part of me. I would like to be in a healthy relationship someday. I'm still not quite sure what that looks like. But for now, I am glad to be taking care of myself.

My journey has been very similar- I'm down about 43 pounds since the breakup, enjoying time in the gym, and really seeing the world through a different set of eyes.  I still haven't given up all hope on the marriage but at the same time, I'm crystal clear on what I'll accept or reject if we ever sat down and discussed life together again.  If she follows through on filing for divorce (in our state, it requires a year of continuous separation), then I'll let her go and try not to look back.

My situation is unique since my wife jumped out of our marriage for a new favorite person- a disabled individual that she cares for at work who has a child's mentality.  He's always happy, always gives unconditional love, and it's something I obviously can't compete with.  So I didn't get the rebound cycles that everyone else experiences and I honestly don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.