I'm just a little bit in shock

[Starsinthesky]

Hello!
First post here. I guess I wanted to share and feel like I'm not alone...
I spoke to my mother yesterday for the first time in about 6 months and I feel her level of toxicity is just off the chart.
I'm also a bit worried about my father who is 81 and not in good health.
I think she is a mix of BPD and NPD. And he is a mix of NPD and autistic
Some months ago she overheard him criticising her to a woman he had an affair with 40 years ago and still does some admin work for him (he goes to the office to escape her) on the telephone.
When he came home she verbally attacked him and she told me: "I left him shaking." She was proud. You could hear it in her voice. She also told him she was waiting for him to die.
I told her she should be ashamed of herself but she just played the victim card as she always does.
My dad would never ask for help or admit there was a problem even but I am a bit worried about him. My sister is down the road and she's a support to him.

We then changed topics and she told me that she had walked my sister's dog but he had fallen 10 to 15ft off a cliff (I knew it already from my sister). She had no remorse. Now she's being told "where she can and can't walk him" and "she's not going to be controlled in that way".
The stress of it "caused her immune system to weaken and she got a terrible cold". And "it cost her £80 at the emergency vet".

She has fallen out with the neighbours (who do seem difficult) and they have called her aggressive. She doesn't know how they can possibly think that.

I so want her out of my life. First I'd like to tell her just how toxic she really is. But it wouldn't have any affect. If you've got this far, thanks for listening.

[eaglestar]

Starsinthesky, your mother and my mother would likely be best friends.  Or they would hate each other for the traits they share and can't see that they have.  I'm not sure which.  Many times my mother has proudly said things like "I left him shaking" (ie, "I put him in his place," "I could tell you stories that would curl your hair," "Well, she tucked her tail and ran right away," etc) that exemplify a satisfaction at having "won" a conflict that she likely started, or imagined entirely.  Her behavior has been socially ridiculous at times, and it's clear she has no perception of how her outbursts look.

Like your mother, she has done things that genuinely hurt others and then refused to take any responsibility for them.  She is a flawless victim.  She is also obsessed with her health, and though she does have some genuine issues, she hyperfocuses on every minor discomfort.  She was once told that swimming in a public pool could expose her weakened immune system to more germs and that she was more susceptible than most to getting sick. Well, now she won't go near any public water.  The whole "the stress of it caused my immune system to weaken and I got a terrible cold," sounds like my mother could have said it.  And it would take her a month to get over the cold.  She canceled my family's trip to see her and my father, which would have been the first time she had met her grandson, because of her "blood pressure." 

I share this to say that you're not alone.  I don't know that your mother or my mother has BPD; I am not qualified to diagnose either of them.  But I know that they seem to share traits which have been described in BPD patients, and that you can find valuable advice here for how to manage these relationships, as well as camaraderie.

[FeelingStuck]

I think she is a mix of BPD and NPD. And he is a mix of NPD and autistic
...
I so want her out of my life. First I'd like to tell her just how toxic she really is. But it wouldn't have any affect.

Starsinthesky, this sounds just like my parents' dynamic as well. Glad you found this forum; you'll find support here. You're justified in wanting your mother out of your life, and correct that confronting her wouldn't have an effect. This site is full of great tips about escaping the drama triangle and I'd recommend reading about that. It's helped me stay strong when I feel compelled to justify, argue, defend or explain things (acronym JADE) to my own mother.

[Riv3rW0lf]

My mother has been with my stepfather for over 20years now. He is an enabler, yes, but overall, he has always been kind to me and helped me through some hard moments.

A couple months back, I lived with them for a while and she told me how he told her he would leave after they had an argument. How he was looking for an appartment and how she asked him what he would do without her, he is old and frail and sick and he is completely alone with no children and he barely talks with his sisters anymore. (What she said)

I looked at her, and I immediately thought how cruel she was, saying those kind of things. So I answered : he is not alone, I am there for him and if he left you, I would still go visit him with DD and DS. I was aware just how bad she can be in an argument and how she treats him, and I know she is constantly abusing him.

She stared at me with a blank look on her face, like a deer in front of headlights.

My stepfather is so, so very sick. He has trouble breathing and many opened wounds because he keep picking at them. He has really bad backpain and he hasn't been able to work for many years. She works in the afternoon and he stays home all the time.

Once, I was there and I put something in the dishwasher that they don't usually put there. He quickly took it out and said "heeeyy no, we never put that in the dishwasher, what are you thinking ! " I could tell he was scared. He spends his life walking on eggshells around her, obeying to her every whims, scared of the next argument, alone and lonely. I would like to be there for him more but this would mean being in contact with her, and put my own mental health in jeopardy.

His own mother was a narcissist and he was badly beaten as a kid. It is clear to me now that he never solved his childhood trauma and keeps on reliving it with my mother. It is sad, but in the end, it is his decision...