Damn some days. When you are looking back at the situation that lead to the split and you think, “ god she had it all wrong and it’s all not that big of deal. We just needed to talk it out’ I think I said it before: I’m addicted to hope, been relying on it all year.
"Addicted to hope" - interesting - I probably have the same addiction.
Its hard to look back and wonder what we could have done differently, what we could have said differently - but the thing is, the answer is
nothing. It was never about us, its always about what is going on in
their heads, in that world they live in. Sure, we might have prolonged the outcome, but we never could have changed it in the long run.
I realized a lot of the feelings I am feeling are not necessarily new brought on by the break up. It’s the same anxiety, worry, paranoia, fear and want for her to come hold me and make me feel it’s all gonna be alright.
This is so important to realize. And its important to try and figure out where that comes from.
I have spent a good part of this year delving into my psyche and figuring out why I attract the same sorts of men, why I can't let go - and -surprise, surprise- it all goes back to childhood. I have spent my whole life repeating the same, familiar childhood patterns I grew up with. The lack of love, the neglect, the thinking "if only I love them harder they will love me back". Its terrifyingly obvious to me now. But at least I now understand where my issues come from, its just a matter of working on that.
And yet still I know it’s best to stop the cycles, best to get off the ride.
I'm so glad you know this - I think a lot of people that come here are still stuck on "what can I do to fix this" instead of trying to heal and let go, as hard as that may be.
You got this
