I think my wife may have BPD - What next?

[Scott K]

I'm so glad to find this resource - I'm at the most difficult point of my life, trying to save my marriage. I suspect my wife may have BPD. She has not been diagnosed, but displays most of the symptoms, and her teenage daughter (now a young adult) was actually diagnosed. She is on medication for depression and anxiety, but only on a prescription from a family practice doctor. She has not seen a psychologist of psychiatrist for an actual diagnosis.

Most of the time, things are great. We love each other, have shared values, and a mostly wonderful life together. But when my wife is stressed or is faced with disagreement from someone else, she is severely angry and irrational, and it has become worse over the last two years. She has a sporadic history of coming down hard on me, and the children (all from her first marriage).  Nothing I say or do seems to help. I stood up to her anger the other day and told her it needed to stop, but now she says I'm trying to make her the 'bad guy' and has suggested unless I am 'kind' to her we need to separate.

This is tearing me up. I've asked her, in a text message this morning, to make a call with me to get help at a local clinic. I am waiting for her response. I have read that unless someone with BPD is willing to get help / treatment, the relationship is likely doomed and the non-BPD spouse should be prepared to leave - but I don't know if that is the right decision yet. It's Christmas time, I'm concerned for how this will impact the children- it's awful. I would appreciate any insight or advice anyone can give - especially on how I can increase the chances of helping my wife agree to seek help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bugwaterguy]

Hello Scott,

I am in a similar situation - and my wife is seriously considering divorce.  I feel your pain.

Things are normally good, unless there is a disagreement, over something that seems minor to me - and then depression, rage, projecting, and other negative behaviors come forward.

If your wife does have BPD - you have a hard road ahead of you.  And there is hope.  I am not in a great place right now, but these boards have many success stories.  You have to check with yourself to see if you are up for that kind of commitment. 

To help you make your decisions:
Read this post - https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

If you have time over the holidays - please consider reading some books on BPD.  It is eye-opening.  It will help you understand your wife, and your reactions to her.

Best books in my opinion are:  Walking On Eggshells, Walking On Eggshells Workbook, Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Even if she will not get help right now, there are things you can change in your behavior, so she might get help in the future.

Trying to force therapy too soon might make things worse.  You also want to verify that the counselor understands BPD. 

[AskingWhy]

I feel your pain, Scott K.  My uBPD H and I have been married for more than 20 years.  He is childish, volatile and totally unaware of the chaos he creates.  He is also totally enmeshed with his adult children, especially his daughters.  You cannot force your wife to seek help.  Seek care for yourself.  You know what you're up against.

[Scott K]

bugwaterguy and AskingWhy- Thank you so much. It's been helpful to know I'm not alone, and there is hope.

We actually do have an appointment to see a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks, and I was pleased and grateful that my wife was/is willing to go. I just hope we get someone who understands, is willing to dig deep and look closely, and provide us the help we need.  We've had a better few days, and that gives me hope. I do very much appreciate your advice.

I feel badly for your own situations, and hope things work out well for you.

[bugwaterguy]

Willingness to seek therapy is powerful. 

Have you made sure the psychiatrist is familiar with BPD?  Before going, you might want to meet with the counselor individually to share your concerns - or at least send a message.

BPD can easily be misdiagnosed as bipolar or depression if the mental health professional is not knowledgeable with BPD and all its forms.