Suffering since ending relationship with suspected borderline

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Two years ago I met a wonderful man who I quickly fell in love with. He seemed to be everything I was looking for and gushed that he had never felt like way about anyone before and we felt like soulmates. He talked of marriage early which concerned me but he listened when I said i would need longer together before making decisions like that. I remember finding it all a little intense to start with, especially being told I was perfect but I soon fell so in love and enjoyed the closeness. It felt like I had found what I had been looking for all my life.
6 months later I discovered he had lied to me about the ending of his marriage and it turned out he had been unfaithful whilst his wife was pregnant. I was devastated at the lie but worse it took 3-4 days for me to get the whole truth out of him and at times he tried to confuse me and tell me I had forgotten he had told me etc. We eventually reconciled but afterwards his behaviour was completely different to the man I had known in the first 6 months.
He had severe mood swings with no apparent cause and we would sit in silence for hours at a time with me wondering what I had done wrong.. He started to criticise everything I did, however small and keep track of where I was and not like it if I was late.. He worried about me going to the gym and what I wore and got very insecure that I was going to leave him for someone else. On holiday he didn’t like me wearing a bikini.
I started to develop anxiety and panic attacks for the first time in my life as the situation felt so oppressive and I was scared to come home in case there was another argument. I couldn’t sleep at night and needed sedatives to calm the adrenaline.
In between though, I would see glimpses of the good man I met and it confused me, making me wonder if I was imagining it being so bad or if it was me. He was often so self reflective after his anger/rage/mood swings and sought help via the GP that I hoped I could weather it until he got help.
He had a course of CBT but it didn’t work and he got put on a waiting list for more intensive therapy. He told me the team thought he’d had a trauma in early life and he himself told me he thought he had a personality disorder: His openness and honesty made me want to stand by him despite my own suffering but also because I loved him:
Things escalated so fast though though after this and the mood swings were daily, more intense and I was getting close to being signed off work: I saw a therapist as I felt the relationship was becoming abusive and she told me I needed to tell my family what was happening. I had been hiding things to protect my partner. Eventually I couldn’t take any more and on a bad night where I was being made to apologise for something I really
Didn’t feel I needed to and having lots of hurtful comments thrown my way, I ended the relationship.
Since I did that, my anxiety and panic attacks have gone away and I am sleeping better: I took some time off work but then returned and felt lighter knowing I could go home and there not be an atmosphere or someone mad at me. The problem is I miss him so much and feel very low. Even though I know it was making me sick, I can’t stop thinking about him and whether I could have done more to help him or be understanding. He’s since told me he’s sorry and that I need to know that I did nothing wrong and he can see now it’s all him. He wanted to know if there was a way back but couldn’t guarantee me he wouldn’t hurt me again as he’s not had any treatment yet. From people who have experienced this, does it sound like a personality disorder? how can I feel so much love still when the relationship almost destroyed me? I’ve tried reminding myself of all the stuff I don’t miss but it’s not working and I feel like I’m sinking. Him contacting me and telling me how much he is suffering set me back so much and I keep wishing I hadn’t ended the relationship, despite my logical brain telling me I had no choice.

[Peach84]

Two years ago I met a wonderful man who I quickly fell in love with. He seemed to be everything I was looking for and gushed that he had never felt like way about anyone before and we felt like soulmates. He talked of marriage early which concerned me but he listened when I said i would need longer together before making decisions like that. I remember finding it all a little intense to start with, especially being told I was perfect but I soon fell so in love and enjoyed the closeness. It felt like I had found what I had been looking for all my life.
6 months later I discovered he had lied to me about the ending of his marriage and it turned out he had been unfaithful whilst his wife was pregnant. I was devastated at the lie but worse it took 3-4 days for me to get the whole truth out of him and at times he tried to confuse me and tell me I had forgotten he had told me etc. We eventually reconciled but afterwards his behaviour was completely different to the man I had known in the first 6 months.
He had severe mood swings with no apparent cause and we would sit in silence for hours at a time with me wondering what I had done wrong.. He started to criticise everything I did, however small and keep track of where I was and not like it if I was late.. He worried about me going to the gym and what I wore and got very insecure that I was going to leave him for someone else. On holiday he didn’t like me wearing a bikini.
I started to develop anxiety and panic attacks for the first time in my life as the situation felt so oppressive and I was scared to come home in case there was another argument. I couldn’t sleep at night and needed sedatives to calm the adrenaline.
In between though, I would see glimpses of the good man I met and it confused me, making me wonder if I was imagining it being so bad or if it was me. He was often so self reflective after his anger/rage/mood swings and sought help via the GP that I hoped I could weather it until he got help.
He had a course of CBT but it didn’t work and he got put on a waiting list for more intensive therapy. He told me the team thought he’d had a trauma in early life and he himself told me he thought he had a personality disorder: His openness and honesty made me want to stand by him despite my own suffering but also because I loved him:
Things escalated so fast though though after this and the mood swings were daily, more intense and I was getting close to being signed off work: I saw a therapist as I felt the relationship was becoming abusive and she told me I needed to tell my family what was happening. I had been hiding things to protect my partner. Eventually I couldn’t take any more and on a bad night where I was being made to apologise for something I really
Didn’t feel I needed to and having lots of hurtful comments thrown my way, I ended the relationship.
Since I did that, my anxiety and panic attacks have gone away and I am sleeping better: I took some time off work but then returned and felt lighter knowing I could go home and there not be an atmosphere or someone mad at me. The problem is I miss him so much and feel very low. Even though I know it was making me sick, I can’t stop thinking about him and whether I could have done more to help him or be understanding. He’s since told me he’s sorry and that I need to know that I did nothing wrong and he can see now it’s all him. He wanted to know if there was a way back but couldn’t guarantee me he wouldn’t hurt me again as he’s not had any treatment yet. From people who have experienced this, does it sound like a personality disorder? how can I feel so much love still when the relationship almost destroyed me? I’ve tried reminding myself of all the stuff I don’t miss but it’s not working and I feel like I’m sinking. Him contacting me and telling me how much he is suffering set me back so much and I keep wishing I hadn’t ended the relationship, despite my logical brain telling me I had no choice.

[NotAHero]

 BPDs will come back to you when you leave them first. It has nothing to do with you and everything that has to do with them. It’s not real. My BPD keeps torturing me with being sweet and nice whenever I drift away. When I take her back she immediately goes back to devaluation and rage. It is hard but I am telling you what I tell myself don’t stay ensnared. Move on. It’s a type of mental conditioning.

[Peach84]

Thank you for your input. I appreciate I need to stay strong now I have made the decision.

[grumpydonut]

It’s a type of mental conditioning

This.

It's a variable ratio schedule of reinforcement and it's highly addictive.

[Rev]

I’ve tried reminding myself of all the stuff I don’t miss but it’s not working and I feel like I’m sinking. Him contacting me and telling me how much he is suffering set me back so much and I keep wishing I hadn’t ended the relationship, despite my logical brain telling me I had no choice.

Hi there !  

And welcome. Sorry you find yourself here. And glad you have found this place. There is lot's of wisdom here.   And no judgement. In some way shape or form, we've experienced and in some cases continue to experience the roller coaster that you describe here.

You've named something that is normal. Things move along for a while and then you end up stuck.  It happened to me and something someone shared with me really helped. When we're stuck, it's not a bad sign, necessarily. It could be a sign that you are ready to look at some of the dynamics that got you involved with someone like this in the first place - like from a shame free place - just looking at where your blind spots are.  

Also, don't under estimate how powerful a trauma-bond can be or, as grumpy donut points out - the dynamic that causes the addictive nature of these relationships.

All this to say is that it can take time for your body to catch up with you mind.

Maybe I missed it, but how long since you broke up?

Hang in there. There are moments of self-doubt that can be challenging (at least for me they were) and eventually they don't occur as often and they don't last as long.

Write back any time.

And again - welcome.

Rev

PS - And yes - it sounds like a disorder of some kind. FYI - on the boards here, we will make the distinction between a diagnosis and traits. In the end, it doesn't really matter why as much as what - in other words, abusive and coercive behavior is not acceptable regardless of why it's happening. And if some one refuses to get help and/or take responsibility for what's happened in a relationship, that leaves you with no other choice but to step back. The alternative is not pretty. Going back to hope things improve inevitably leads to more abusive behavior.

[Peach84]

Thank you Grumpy Donuts and Rev. This is really helpful and I have heard of trauma bonds and am reading up on it as it sounds like what is going on for me. It has been a month since we split and I know that is not long after a relationship of a couple of years but I think the fact it is Christmas is heightening it. I won’t go back as my own mental health had deteriorated so badly and I have a son who has autism who I need to be strong for. That was a big part of the decision to break up as the cycle was starting to become visible to my son. Plus I have to be strong to absorb my sons feelings and meltdowns and there is only so much to give. I was doing this for my partner too and in the end couldn’t cope. I have found a therapist as Rev you are right that I need to do the internal work now. I have found myself in dysfunctional relationships before however never an abusive one. Hoping one day I can learn to spot and then enjoy a healthy relationship. Thanks everyone.

[MaggieMisty]

Hello, I am really sorry you are experiencing the longing. I am in a similar boat. My ex, it took six months to starts showing his behaviors. There were red flags before that, which I chose to ignore. I am now in the process of looking at myself and how I ended up in this relationship. My mom was mentally ill all her life, and my dad was her caretaker. It is my belief I am just replaying the past, trying to save someone who’s unwell. I really hope to get to the bottom of my patterns and never repeat them again as this relationship was deeply traumatic and I still love him. I found ‘Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life’. I wish you all the best.

[judee]

Hi Peach84,

Reading your story made me think it was mine... really every bit of it.
The intensity, marriage talks, moods, the oppressive behaviour, the fear of abandonment. The self reflection afterwards. The anxiety it caused you, I know so well what that feels like . The break up, the regret. ( you can see mine in this forum, a few weeks ago under the title " walking away from a burning plane crash')
Just telling you it sounds so similar to my ex, it is almost creepy.
My ex actually WAS diagnosed with BPD, a few years before I met him.
We were together for three months and recently broke up. I still deal with all the feelings you describe as well. Started sleeping really well again and feel relaxed and I am enjoying things again, but I think it is really logical we keep these feelings of missing and longing for awhile and we can trust that things have to run their course.
I think it is not without a reason that you landed on this site.. you sound like a smart and sensitive person and you have every reason to trust yourself when you broke up with him.
I also agree with what other people say above, it doesn't matter what diagnosis or not , because also without,  it is the behaviour that is damaging. But hope you find some support in my story. The best to you !

[Peach84]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have read your thread and can see the similarities. We were together almost two years and only had 6 months of calm so I know I gave it my all, including therapy and only left because I was broken and off work and for some reason, the lower I got the more he wanted to kick me. He would tell me I was pathetic if I was having a panic attack and scoff that he should call an ambulance for me. It was so awful I know I should be so relieved right now but I guess the trauma bonds make that more difficult: I’m sticking to it and your story has given me strength. To see someone else walk away and be doing better and sticking with it, is a huge source of inspiration. Thank you x