Crisis with sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello - Just found this site. I’ve been suspecting for a while that something was more deeply wrong with my sister than just the “she’s a difficult personality,” that I’ve been living with for many years. I started to think that she was not a reliable narrator about many of the things going on in her life.

She is separated from her husband, and was accusing him of being emotionally abusive and narcissistic. I tried to be supportive, but many of the things she was saying about him didn’t ring true. But it’s hard to know what goes on in peoples relationships.

Then recently on a weekend away with friends, I revealed some sexual abuse in my childhood. I had never told her about it. And that became the focus of her reaction. She had a very strong negative reaction that I had not told her this.

Then she wrote me a text that was like a dagger through my heart. And in a long string of emails she began accusing me of a range of sins over the years. Things like trying to hurt her, like using this revelation specifically to hurt her. Like hating her and undermining her in groups. Like only caring about myself, like manipulating the family to get away from her. Like trying to make her smaller. I was shocked at the accusations, and that she felt this way about me. I tried to respond calmly, perceiving her as like a wounded bear with claws slashing out at me. I wrote in gentle tones, and tried to explain what I’d really meant about things that she had misinterpreted. Eventually I said that I was in a lot of pain from some of the things she accused me of. She asked if I could come by to talk. I went to her house, and she opened up a floodgate of Rage at me for offenses going back decades. In shock, I pushed back very little, I apologized a lot. But in my heart I know I relationship will never be the same.

I’m so worried that it will get progressively worse, over the years, as it has for the last several. She’s alienated a lot of people. She seems very alone.

[Julie59]

Hello - Just found this site. I’ve been suspecting for a while that something was more deeply wrong with my sister than just the “she’s a difficult personality,” that I’ve been living with for many years. I started to think that she was not a reliable narrator about many of the things going on in her life.

She is separated from her husband, and was accusing him of being emotionally abusive and narcissistic. I tried to be supportive, but many of the things she was saying about him didn’t ring true. But it’s hard to know what goes on in peoples relationships.

Then recently on a weekend away with friends, I revealed some sexual abuse in my childhood. I had never told her about it. And that became the focus of her reaction. She had a very strong negative reaction that I had not told her this.

Then she wrote me a text that was like a dagger through my heart. And in a long string of emails she began accusing me of a range of sins over the years. Things like trying to hurt her, like using this revelation specifically to hurt her. Like hating her and undermining her in groups. Like only caring about myself, like manipulating the family to get away from her. Like trying to make her smaller. I was shocked at the accusations, and that she felt this way about me. I tried to respond calmly, perceiving her as like a wounded bear with claws slashing out at me. I wrote in gentle tones, and tried to explain what I’d really meant about things that she had misinterpreted. Eventually I said that I was in a lot of pain from some of the things she accused me of. She asked if I could come by to talk. I went to her house, and she opened up a floodgate of Rage at me for offenses going back decades. In shock, I pushed back very little, I apologized a lot. But in my heart I know I relationship will never be the same.

I’m so worried that it will get progressively worse, over the years, as it has for the last several. She’s alienated a lot of people. She seems very alone.

[pennymoo]

Julie, my heart goes out to you.
Sadly it is a scenario that many of us have also experienced (albeit with differing crucial particulars).
We are all here to help & support one another. At this point I cannot offer advice as Im enduring my own trauma from a BPD relative, BUT I know that by reading texts and articles, just venting my feelings, bewilderment etc here, has given me more clarity, understanding and is helping me. zIt helps to "ground me" in this awful situation & to help me "regain myself"- realise it is NOT me, that BPD persons DO enlist "allies" (& that hurts megawatt!), that there is an seemingly unending litany of fabrications, distortions, projections and displacement behaviours they operate with.
Truth, honesty, integrity have NO place in their thinking/behaviours when they start on someone. Ok maybe it is part of their makeup, they cannot help it, but it doesnt mean you have to be traumatised whenever they react.
Chose for yourself, be kind, love yourself...its hard when friends/family etc side with them, but ultimately YOU know the truth, and you do not have to live your life keeeping the peace, maintaining the status quo, being a general punching bag and "whipping boy" for some one else. It wont work anyway, no matter what you do or say it will be the wrong thing at some time.
You cannot live another person's life, only your own and you deserve the BEST life you can live, which means not being someone elses' "victim"/target etc.
You are worthy, important and valuable and loveable in your own right and you have the right to chose what is right and good for you.
Take care, Bless you. x

[pennymoo]

oh P.s...I know Im getting very verbose...
Julie if you dont already I'd suggest finding a good psycholist for YOURSELF...someone who will help YOU heal & who can also help clarify much of the garbage that is going on.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you have dealt with this. There is something I have observed with my BPD mother when sharing any vulnerability. The Karpman triangle helps explain dysfunctional dynamics. It's my own observation that my mother needs to be in Victim position. In Victim position, others are either in the role of Persecutor or Rescuer.

Whenever my BPD mother is presented with someone else who may be vulnerable in some way- feelings hurt, not feeling well, or in your case, the victim of abuse- whether or not she is the cause of the vulnerability, instead of being empathetic as we'd expect someone to be- she does the opposite- ramps up abusive behavior.

My only explanation is that, from victim perspective, being vulnerable isn't Rescuer position. Rescuer position must be "knight in shining armor" and if you aren't in that role, you must be in Persecutor role. From Victim perspective, one attacks the Persecutor in self defense.

Or it's a form of projection. If one presents vulnerability- this is not acceptable to someone who can not accept any imperfections in themselves and so they attack it. I think many of these "attacks" are due to projections of parts of them they can't accept in themselves.

Whatever it is, it is more about them than about you.

So what does one do? We have choices, albeit they are difficult ones. The choice we don't have is for interactions to be "normal"- if someone is disordered. For some people the best choice is to disengage from that person entirely- go no contact. However this also probably means disengaging from their entire circle and if this includes other family members, that may not be the desired choice.

We can go low contact- take the relationship to a basic, not emotional level- where they are more like an acquaintance than someone close to us. We can use the tools on this board to dampen down the drama and not participate in it as much. While one can see these tools as coddling them, I prefer to see them as lessening the drama for me as I have chosen to remain in contact with my BPD mother on a less emotional level.

With choices comes dealing with a loss- because I think as long as we keep trying for "normal" it may be that our idea of "normal" isn't possible. With my BPD mother, reciprocity is non existent. Relationships require a means of repair. We are human and so may step on someone's boundaries, or argue, or some other messy situation with someone else. If someone you cared about approached you with something like abuse, or hurt feelings, you'd want to be empathetic. If you hurt their feelings, you'd want to say you are sorry. However, with my mother, it seems like an invitation to be even more cruel and hurtful. Best to not do this.

Even though I am in contact with my mother, it's not a "normal" relationship. I have to have my own reasons to do this. In a romantic relationship, there might be children involved so the two parents need to remain in contact even if they divorce. In some situations, people have chosen to completely cut the relationship off.  This is one reason we don't tell posters to stay or leave in a relationship. They are all different. We're all just doing the best we can with ours.

[Couscous]

Welcome! 

I think your sister reacted as she did because you are going ‘off script’ and not playing your assigned role on the drama triangle, and that is very threatening and destabilizing for her.

Even my non-sister (but who might have some BPD traits) once told me that since I am her older sister she expects me to always be the ‘strong one’ and that she cannot tolerate me ‘playing the victim card’, as she put it, or showing any signs of weakness. I made point to never show my vulnerable side to her again after that.

[Being]

Hi Julie,

I have seen my sister act out and blame me for ... whatever ... for decades. At the same time, it is also true that I love her and I want to be there for her if and when I can. We have had years of no contact and years of close contact. The biggest change that happened for me was 20 years ago when I first learned a little about dialectical behavior therapy (dbt) and the practice of "validation." I could suddenly understand that my sister is very sensitive emotionally and that she had been invalidated by my parents, especially by my mother, for much of her life. I dedicated myself to learning more about validation and also dbt.

While I have been "un-sistered" a couple of times in the past year, she recovers more quickly and even recognizes some of her responsibility in the conflict (which I feel is pretty much in her imagination). I let her go. I try not to let it get under my skin and understand that she is experiencing more stress than usual. I am not judgmental when she reappears. And I just try to validate her feelings. But I don't live in the same state as her and I speak to her about once or twice a week when things are good between us.

I also have put a lot of time into developing my own inner peace and happiness. I have a npd mom in a nursing home and I just keep my interactions to weekly small talk about the weather and tell her that I love her. (Fortunately she lives across the country.)

Validation changed my life. It changed my relationship with my sister. I even wrote a book about it, that I call "Genuine Validation". I don't know if it would help you. You have your whole life to see your relationship repaired with your sister. There is no hurry. You will recover and see how much mental suffering she is experiencing to lash out like she does. If she were happy and peaceful, she would not have said any of that to you.