Don't know where to start

[Cat Familiar]

As far as bringing things to the table, Im talking about actual tangible things. Can you ever count on them to pay bills on time, perform certain duties? Not talking about emotional things here, but rather division of labor. I pretty much do everything and that contributes to the burnout and resentment.

My husband not only pays all the bills on time, he now cooks dinner 6 days a week. I do all the washing up and putting things away.

Cooking became a very contentious issue for us. I’m much more involved in outdoor ranch work, repairs, animal care, etc. Often I’d be outside, covered in dirt after fixing a broken water pipe or something, and he would have been indoors all day, reading or watching TV (he’s retired), and he’d ask me, “What are we doing later?” which was code for “What are you making for dinner?”

It would infuriate me because why did I have to be responsible for dinner when he’d been sitting on his azz all day? Not that I begrudged cooking, but for me, as a former vegetarian, I’d be happy with rice, a steamed vegetable, and maybe some cheese or tofu. After suggesting a meal like that, he’d say, “I need real food,” meaning meat.

So a few years ago, we found a compromise. We started ordering meal kits from an organic food delivery source, which was a perfect strategy once the pandemic hit. I was OK with eating a little meat, as long as it was organic. Since I had no clue about cooking meat, he took over the cooking. It has been working out great.

After dinner, I put on a podcast and clean up. He cooks and is seemingly happy about not having to clean. I complement him on his cooking, and he’s been doing a great job. A true win/win!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[fisher101]

In my brief sojourn in grad school, thinking I wanted to be a therapist,   , one of the things I remember learning in one course was *when you get the outcome you want, STOP!*

It was far too easy for me to go on and on, asking for understanding. “Do you  get why that was an unkind thing to say?”

To answer FF’s question, nowadays I never bring up the past and try to have a discussion. (I’ve finally learned that lesson.)

It’s an unpleasant thing to do even with an emotionally healthy person. “Do you really understand why you hurt my feelings last week?” But with a pwBPD, it’s like putting the puppy’s nose into the poop he left on the carpet and then having him bite you.

So in other words a pwBPD never has to take accountability or apologize for being cruel? Seems to me that BPD is some sort of license to get away with this type of behavior? Has your husband ever owned up to this sort of behavior?

The result I want is an apology w/o explanation.

[Cat Familiar]

Something that’s important to understand is the level of shame and self loathing that people with BPD feel.

We nons really can’t understand the degree to which they feel these feelings, which seem to almost annihilate their total existence.

Admitting to bad behavior is uncomfortable for us nons. For pwBPD it’s excruciating.

Yes, my husband will apologize if he feels he’s done something wrong or unkind.

But what I occasionally hear from him, like I did yesterday, when he was unaware I was in the house when he was in the kitchen making a snack, was him saying over and over how stupid he was, saying f*ck himself, making various sounds and grunts about how he always screws things up, etc.

It was kind of heartbreaking to hear his internal dialog verbalized.

So think of that, when you want an apology. It’s likely that she already feels shame about whatever she’s done and instead of apologizing, she projects it outward on you. The latter part can stop once your relationship is more on the course of repair, rather than a downward slide.

[fisher101]

Something that’s important to understand is the level of shame and self loathing that people with BPD feel.

We nons really can’t understand the degree to which they feel these feelings, which seem to almost annihilate their total existence.

Admitting to bad behavior is uncomfortable for us nons. For pwBPD it’s excruciating.

Yes, my husband will apologize if he feels he’s done something wrong or unkind.

But what I occasionally hear from him, like I did yesterday, when he was unaware I was in the house when he was in the kitchen making a snack, was him saying over and over how stupid he was, saying f*ck himself, making various sounds and grunts about how he always screws things up, etc.

It was kind of heartbreaking to hear his internal dialog verbalized.

So think of that, when you want an apology. It’s likely that she already feels shame about whatever she’s done and instead of apologizing, she projects it outward on you. The latter part can stop once your relationship is more on the course of repair, rather than a downward slide.

It is heartbreaking that he beats himself up like that. I have no idea if my wife ever really feels bad or not. But when she doesn't apologize I interpret as just being used when she needs something.

It's doubly hard for me to understand this, in fact I can't empathize with it at all. I have zero problem admitting fault and I look at it as a too to improve myself.

Probably I'm just the wrong person for her. I'm not good at anything she really needs, and I'm the kind of person that needs someone they can rely on.

[fisher101]

My husband not only pays all the bills on time, he now cooks dinner 6 days a week. I do all the washing up and putting things away.

Cooking became a very contentious issue for us. I’m much more involved in outdoor ranch work, repairs, animal care, etc. Often I’d be outside, covered in dirt after fixing a broken water pipe or something, and he would have been indoors all day, reading or watching TV (he’s retired), and he’d ask me, “What are we doing later?” which was code for “What are you making for dinner?”

It would infuriate me because why did I have to be responsible for dinner when he’d been sitting on his azz all day? Not that I begrudged cooking, but for me, as a former vegetarian, I’d be happy with rice, a steamed vegetable, and maybe some cheese or tofu. After suggesting a meal like that, he’d say, “I need real food,” meaning meat.

So a few years ago, we found a compromise. We started ordering meal kits from an organic food delivery source, which was a perfect strategy once the pandemic hit. I was OK with eating a little meat, as long as it was organic. Since I had no clue about cooking meat, he took over the cooking. It has been working out great.

After dinner, I put on a podcast and clean up. He cooks and is seemingly happy about not having to clean. I complement him on his cooking, and he’s been doing a great job. A true win/win!

Sounds like good guy who cannot control his emotions sometimes.

For years my duties included the following:

1) All cooking including packing lunches for us both at work (well she might have cooked twice a year)
2) All pet care
3) All cleaning
4) All finances
5) Auto repair

Her's:

1) Laundry

Then we bought a house and basically I said, as a condition of buying, that she had to step up. This really probably has nothing to do with BPD from what I can tell, she just didn't do stuff for whatever reason, but I can't be sure. So now she cooks and cleans a little more. I cooked for so many years that if it were up to me, I'd eat out or buy takeout everyday from how on.

[alterK]

"Can a pwPBD EVER bring anything to the table?"
Many people with BPD have very limited problem solving skills. They can be skilled at work, but in interpersonal situations where emotions are involved they are so overwhelmed by anxiety, fear, anger that they can contribute little or nothing. Among other things, helping to solve a problem in a marriage usually begins with acknowledging that you are part of the problem.

"Takes Two to Tango" is not part of a pwBPD's repertoire. So you have to do most of the work, at least until they make some progress with their BPD, which can take a long time, even if they are getting good treatment. It can be tiring.

[fisher101]

"Can a pwPBD EVER bring anything to the table?"
Many people with BPD have very limited problem solving skills. They can be skilled at work, but in interpersonal situations where emotions are involved they are so overwhelmed by anxiety, fear, anger that they can contribute little or nothing. Among other things, helping to solve a problem in a marriage usually begins with acknowledging that you are part of the problem.

"Takes Two to Tango" is not part of a pwBPD's repertoire. So you have to do most of the work, at least until they make some progress with their BPD, which can take a long time, even if they are getting good treatment. It can be tiring.

So the million dollar question then is "why bother?" Everyone should get something out of a relationship, in my opinion. I just can't figure out what that looks like in this situation. I feel like I'm busy from the minute I wake until the moment I go to sleep with the adult stuff while my wife basically gets to live her life like a care-free college student with a butler or something.I think I might be misunderstanding the meaning of "work" in this case though.

I guess I just can't accept a lot of things. Seems like there are a lot of excuses and while I acknowledge the difficult pwBPD might have, seems like there is quite the loophole available for them to take advantage of a nonBPD.

As cold as it sounds, if I gotta do all the work, I want most of the decision-making power to match the level of responsibility.

[thankful person]

I have never heard my wife putting herself down in the way that cat describes her husband doing. But. In seven years, I did once get an apology. I made a note of it on my phone and I can’t find it now, so I’m 99% sure she has deleted it. But the part I remember went, “I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have…” It was sometime after when she was struggling with breast feeding our first, and treated me horrendously for months (it was before I found this forum so I severely made things worse every day at the time). But I hold on to this apology. Because I know I’m an ideal world, people should admit when they’re wrong and treat others badly. But for some reason bpd find this extremely difficult. But the reason this meant so much to me is that it shows that she actually knows when she treats me badly. Before that I really wasn’t sure she had such thoughts. It confused me that bpd is supposed to be self-deprecating (she was also a severe self-harmer). It was odd that such a person would never admit to being wrong. Fit perfectly with me because I always used to blame myself for everything. Not any more.

[thankful person]

I have never heard my wife putting herself down in the way that cat describes her husband doing. But. In seven years, I did once get an apology. I made a note of it on my phone and I can’t find it now, so I’m 99% sure she has deleted it. But the part I remember went, “I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have…” It was sometime after when she was struggling with breast feeding our first, and treated me horrendously for months (it was before I found this forum so I severely made things worse every day at the time). But I hold on to this apology. Because I know in an ideal world, people should admit when they’re wrong and treat others badly. But for some reason bpd find this extremely difficult. But the reason this meant so much to me is that it shows that she actually knows when she treats me badly. Before that I really wasn’t sure she had such thoughts. It confused me that bpd is supposed to be self-deprecating (she was also a severe self-harmer). It was odd that such a person would never admit to being wrong. Fit perfectly with me because I always used to blame myself for everything. Not any more.