Four Years No Contact - Life is Good

[Rogue]

Greetings to all of you,  

I used to post here YEARS ago - about mid 2000's.  At that time, I remember thinking I would never be able to handle the guilt of going No Contact, I felt obligated to be the 'good daughter' as I had for decades.  I even said it on here.

Then in 2016, an event happened that proved to me that my Narc/BPDm would indeed NEVER change, and it would only ever be about her need for control and someone to enslave.  You don't need to hear the details of that terrible, painful story - so many of you are already living it.

I wanted to come on here and tell you:  If you are like I was, and still want to hope and trust ("forgive" as they always demand you do), and hold onto a wish of having a relationship with a healthy mother - there may come a life-changing event, one that wakes you up.  For me, it was realizing it wasn't only me she wanted to hurt, it was someone I love dearly.  That event may be incredibly scary and painful, you may be tricked by the pd, and endure huge losses... end up on the edge of homelessness (if it's anything like what my bpdm put us through).  Perhaps you will read this and avoid ever letting it get to that point (I hope!)...

The encouraging thing I want to tell you:  Not only survived that event, but rebuilt my life, for the first time, with NO contact with any FOO.   What saved me?  For me personally, my faith in God - but also extreme acceptance and resolve: utterly walking away, knowing that I, nor anyone I love, was meant to spend life being abused.  I gave her over to God - she's in His hands now, as I am only human and not capable of performing miracles.  My guilt is gone, as I see things very differently now.

I was meant to be elsewhere - I have made new friends and new "family".  I am now a Ninja when it comes to detecting Cluster B's around me that may try to take advantage of me.  Have accomplished things I NEVER thought I could accomplish.  

Has it been rocky?  Yes.  So hard at first.  But, slowly, day by day, healing happened.  There is much sunshine in my heart even in times I never could have handled before.  I appreciate all the little things in life so much more than ever.  

I want to tell you, if you need to let go but haven't had the courage yet, know that YOU were not meant to live to be abused.  Know that if you believe and have faith, you will live a life you couldn't have imagined, even if it's a very simple, humble life.  You will find joy in unexpected places.  You're all my "siblings" as it were, and you're here because you have so much strength and potential inside you.  Some of it may be untapped because you are having to spend so much time suffering due to the pd's.  
There may be others out in the world (whom you don't even know yet) that you may meet that end up enriching your life and vice-versa.  Others, who deserve your care, are out there.  Do NOT buy the "family are the only ones who will love you" lie, as I did for too long.  Also realize that it may very well be the best thing for the pd as well, for you to live your life healthy and away from them, if need be.  Realize you can take a different path than you thought, once your mind is free of that prison.  
 
Do what you feel ready to do, but I can vouch for NC being a thing of beauty.  

May you be Blessed and find peace, God knows you've earned it.  Much love,

-Rogue

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you, Rogue, for sharing about the healing that has taken place in your life. Hearing your story brings encouragement and hope to other members who so desperately need it.

In the midst of the pain, it can be quite difficult to have hope and to be able to persevere and dream that there may be better days ahead for us. You have shown us that it's possible.

Thank you! 
Wools

[zachira]

Thank you for sharing. Congratulations on making a new and better life for yourself!  We really appreciate when members come back and let us know they made it.

[Couscous]

Hi Rogue, I really appreciate your popping by to give us all hope for a better future. It was the best Christmas present I could have asked for. Thank you!

[Rogue]

Hello again, I just wanted to reply to you all!

This board helped me really educate myself, and open my eyes, by reading the struggles and stories of others - and encouraging one another.  

I should add a (rather long) footnote to my story:  I am aware that my BPD/NPDm has indeed tried contact attempts -- but NOT directly to me as I have completely blocked her out of my life... it was just a handful of attempts (at holiday times) through my in-laws, who I have told to please filter that email address out.  Even when we DO escape there can be times where attempts are made to suck us in or bring us down - if there are any loopholes they can find.  

I hate when I find out any contact attempt was made - and it does shake me, even now -- but my recovery time is much faster.  I shake it off fully within a couple of days and move on, blocking that life out of my memory again, reminding myself I'm Free and deserve to be free.  

The most recent attempt made me realize something fantastic:  Lately I have been working on self-improvement issues (sleep, procrastination, etc).  I've kept a journal for a few months now.   I realized how utterly I had FINALLY let go of even THINKING about BPD/NPD.  All my journal entries have been about mundane things in my life and how I can improve my work, etc.   Coming from someone who couldn't let go of the pd family for decades, from someone who read and read about it, was haunted with guilt about it - this being free is an absolute miracle.

With all due respect, I had even forgotten about this board ().  That is how good a job this board did in creating a foundation for me to at least be able to 'launch' off of, once that terrible event happened.  I owed it to you to come here and speak about it.  I hope you all stick to it, don't let them create disaster in your lives before you stand up for yourselves...

Hoping and praying for all on this board - and again Thank you so much to you Admin for what you do here, Bless you!

[Rogue]

Hi Rogue, I really appreciate your popping by to give us all hope for a better future. It was the best Christmas present I could have asked for. Thank you!

You are so very welcome, and Merry Post-Christmas! 

[Channing]

I came onto this board today to ask a question about my long term (4 year) NC with my BPD mother and this post was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you! You really understand the fears, doubts and anxieties that come up when you maintain a firm NC boundary with a BPD parent-- especially when, like today, I received my yearly holiday nasty-gram from my mother. She always claims she wants to have a relationship with me but says nothing about the horrific things she did that led to the NC. She instead tries to shame me with judgmental comments about the importance of family. I don't know why I feel so much anxiety and dread when I receive these communications.

[Rogue]

I came onto this board today to ask a question about my long term (4 year) NC with my BPD mother and this post was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you! You really understand the fears, doubts and anxieties that come up when you maintain a firm NC boundary with a BPD parent-- especially when, like today, I received my yearly holiday nasty-gram from my mother. She always claims she wants to have a relationship with me but says nothing about the horrific things she did that led to the NC. She instead tries to shame me with judgmental comments about the importance of family. I don't know why I feel so much anxiety and dread when I receive these communications.

You feel the dread and anxiety because you were conditioned since birth to feel the "fog."  You don't want to go back to that anymore now that you've been healing.   Yes, I understand EXACTLY how you feel... reading what you said is like reading what she does.

My holiday "nastygrams" don't go directly to me but word of them gets to me, sometimes by accident.  I'm grateful to have those protecting me, on my side who know what she has done.  If her communications came directly to me, I think my reactions would be worse.  The responses she gets from them are less than nice, at this point.  She will never learn, always be trapped in that insane cycle in her head.  They feel entitled to "forgiveness" i.e. we all have to FORGET what they've done so they can wheedle their way in and do whatever they want all over again.   ... My reaction:  HELL NO, never again, I already did my Good-byes.  She will, as always, try to go find someone else to suck back into that black hole - the classic bpd/npd cycle.  I will pray for her once more and know that God will work things out.

Shake it off - stay strong, live your life and Never forget (although they trained our brains to repeatedly forget) - Write things down if you have to.  Have a Happy New Year, too, you earned it!

[Rogue]

Oh I I wanted to add:

I Never respond to her- what my spouse and in-laws do is their choice - but I am Done, Finished, I already did my Good-byes and there is no door, window, nor crack for her to slip through to hurt me or us - Ever again.
I know what she wants - she's always wanted me to be caretaker/servant - even when she was younger she was already "old."

It's not my job to "save" or be caretaker to someone who did vastly more damage to my life than ever did good, and would destroy me and those I love.  The guilt is NOT mine, and my healing has taught me how very true this is - the Guilt is on them, not you.  It's your job to care for those you love who DESERVE it, especially by NOT subjecting them to endless abuse.

I wanted to emphasize that - it's something I remind myself very strongly from time to time - a reminder not to fall back into the FOG trap.  That is an unhealthy path, for all - can't make them happy, it's not possible - that's between them and their Maker.

[missing NC]

Thank you for this update, Rogue. I am still fairly early in renewed NC after a lengthy period of horrific forced contact with my sister, who has clinical BPD and NPD and strong APD traits.  I really appreciate your sharing the view from the other side. It give me tremendous hope that I'll be able reach some level of equanimity in the years to come. 

[Rogue]

...It give me tremendous hope that I'll be able reach some level of equanimity in the years to come. 

Sorry you had to go through that, it just sounds awful.  Keep your resolve; if you can get to a place where you pretty much completely 'reset' your life, and let yourself (mostly) forget about the past day to day, you can move on more fully.  I may have said this before - but I think it's good to really emphasize it:

The PD's rely on our being able to 'forgive and forget' so they can suck us back in.  Yet (at least in my case) the real positive change in my life came once I could both mostly forget, but also be reminded (when necessary) of the DIRE need to utterly stay away, NO contact.   My brain was so traumatized over the years I literally have memory deficiencies and would forget the horrible things done so many times - even now, I cannot remember many things, although I DO remember that these awful things WERE done. 

Having someone who can remind you of the horrible things that was done (if you need reminding) helps, or keep a diary of what was done to you, then hide it away.  Wishing you the best!