A Note To Me (All of Us)--- Read when in doubt.

[imtiredofthiscrp]

Recently I allowed my ex back into my space for the holidays. That turned into an accidental week long covid quarantine with them. During this time, I learned a lot (of things I likely already knew).

They are funny and witty----> sometimes this is at my expense and I don't like it.

They are kind and understanding---> of everyone else's faults and mistakes except mine.

They are unhappy---> and this is not my fault.

They want things their way---> and these needs exceed my capacity.

There are glimpses of happiness together, and memories of good times----> but there are way more moments of "why are we fighting AGAIN"

We laugh a lot---> I am fearful a lot. Anything I say or do can be taken the wrong way.

I want to talk to them all the time---> I wake up to attitude, have lunch with their attitude, and go to bed with their attitude.

My mood is dependent on my perception of their mood---> their mood is ever changing and a total mystery to me.

I am sure there are more, but this is a good start. I am exhausted, again. I was sick as hell this past week and just wanting comfort from them. Most of what I got was attitude and distance with a few sparse head rubs in-between. I am starting CBT with a new therapist soon and I am excited to learn how to better move through this. Yesterday I felt strong and ready, so today as I feel fearful and unsure, I remember it is possible to feel strong. I do not need to continue to stay stagnant, small, and unhealthy just to keep someone that is unhealthy in my life. I cannot change them, and that has been proven over and over. It does not mean I don't care or honor our time together if I move on. It means I respect myself and love myself enough to care about my journey too. I can be the things I see for myself if I give myself this space to grow and heal. I've seen it before in my sobriety recovery and I know it can happen here. 

  READ THIS WHEN IN DOUBT.

[ACycleWiser]

It does not mean I don't care or honor our time together if I move on. It means I respect myself and love myself enough to care about my journey too.

Your journey was always equally important.

In healthy relationships you grow together, both as a person and as a couple. Each of you sparks its own branches and leafs, but you do it from the same ever strengthening trunk you form as a couple. That's how a relationship grows into a beautiful big tree.

How does a BPD relationship grow into a big beautiful tree? It doesn't cause your branches and leafs eventually will cause abandonment fears or hate so you gradually develop more and more their side of the tree until it collapses from total dis-balance and a far too weak trunk.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you, this was all very helpful and needed!

[GuyIncognito]

Love this, and it's a good reminder that no matter what good things we remember with them...it doesn't make up for the facts of what happens or happened, and it doesn't negate the good to know it's time for us to not keep fighting that battle.

I know my ex will probably never really grasp the amount of love I had, and still have for her. But it just couldn't work with her still living this way. And in hindsight, it wouldn't have worked because we wanted different things. Of course, who knows if she really wanted those things or just fell down that path and will have a totally different outlook again in a few years.

I've moved on in every practical sense, and my life now is so much more peaceful and consistently loving, and absent those moments, simply lacking the daily stress and worry that came with our life together. But she's still there, in my heart. I still care about her and wish her the best, and if at all possible, treatment that really lets her live a real, functional life, be it alone or with someone down the road. No matter the hurt her actions inflicted, she doesn't deserve to keep living like this, hurting herself and/or anyone who gets charmed by an otherwise loving, funny, and enjoyable human to be around.

In the meantime, all I get from her when she can find ways to reach me, are things like "You're still the abuser". Mostly at this point, I just try not to think about it at all, and focus on the good things in my life that have nothing to do with her.

[Goosey]

I no longer have that crushing longing to just be in her presence.
  God I missed her so desperately, maybe in retrospect wanting to protect her., yes mostly with my fear for her safety. Damn it i loved her so so much. Why and how is too complex to figure out. Though I know all the reasons now it’s not complex. 
    It’s been literally over two maybe 3 years since I have seen her.
  I don’t want to see her.  I am not in a “good” place. I am not in a bad place. I am in an empty place. Can’t explain it better then that. There is no closure. That’s the closure.
   I have one life goal left. To shut my trap about it all anymore. To pay for our daughters education. 
  The only thing I’m proud of myself about is I don’t lash out to her. I don't contact her. And I know I won’t get a response and that is just more embarrassing for even doing it. 
   I don’t want her back in my life. At the same time I know it bears on my so hard what transpired I am never going to waste another’s time for them to see how I feel today.   Damage is done. That’s ok. Thanks for letting me type.
   
   

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you all for typing. You all put into words what I could not. Greatly appreciated and it helps to have this community and not feel alone.