Recently I allowed my ex back into my space for the holidays. That turned into an accidental week long covid quarantine with them. During this time, I learned a lot (of things I likely already knew).
They are funny and witty----> sometimes this is at my expense and I don't like it.
They are kind and understanding---> of everyone else's faults and mistakes except mine.
They are unhappy---> and this is not my fault.
They want things their way---> and these needs exceed my capacity.
There are glimpses of happiness together, and memories of good times----> but there are way more moments of "why are we fighting AGAIN"
We laugh a lot---> I am fearful a lot. Anything I say or do can be taken the wrong way.
I want to talk to them all the time---> I wake up to attitude, have lunch with their attitude, and go to bed with their attitude.
My mood is dependent on my perception of their mood---> their mood is ever changing and a total mystery to me.
I am sure there are more, but this is a good start. I am exhausted, again. I was sick as hell this past week and just wanting comfort from them. Most of what I got was attitude and distance with a few sparse head rubs in-between. I am starting CBT with a new therapist soon and I am excited to learn how to better move through this. Yesterday I felt strong and ready, so today as I feel fearful and unsure, I remember it is possible to feel strong. I do not need to continue to stay stagnant, small, and unhealthy just to keep someone that is unhealthy in my life. I cannot change them, and that has been proven over and over.
It does not mean I don't care or honor our time together if I move on. It means I respect myself and love myself enough to care about my journey too. I can be the things I see for myself if I give myself this space to grow and heal. I've seen it before in my sobriety recovery and I know it can happen here.
READ THIS WHEN IN DOUBT.
