How to reason about separation?

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I'm conflicted about whether to continue my marriage to my wife who has BPD traits.

She engages in a variety of abusive behaviors that seem to stem from this intense need she has to monopolize my attention. She used to fly into jealous rages when I worked in an office, accusing me of cheating on her with no other evidence than the fact that I left the house to go to work. Now I work from home but she still gets triggered if she overhears me on a call with a co-worker or texting with someone on my phone. She also works to undermine my relationship with my family. She hasn't succeeded in that but has caused them a lot of emotional scars with her efforts.

Her moods are really terrifying to me because we have 2 children (S13 and D11.) I feel like I need to constantly be on high alert as she alternates between being extremely indulgent and picking fights with them (especially with my daughter,) I'm always on the ready to either defuse a shouting match or make sure she sets appropriate boundaries with the kids.

I've confronted her about this ineffectively for years as she is always able to take control of the conversation by flying into a rage, going into despair, saying nonsensical things, threatening to take the children and leave for parts unknown, etc.

However a few months ago I stumbled across the concept of BPD and began to get a more concrete grasp on what is going on. After reading the Walking on Eggshells book I was also prompted to call the domestic abuse hotline and start learning about the concept of emotional abuse. Before that I largely thought I was somehow at fault for my wife's behaviors due to not supporting her well enough, showing her enough love, etc but now I understand her issues have nothing to do with me, and that her mental illness does not excuse her being emotionally abusive.

This lead to me confronting her in a somewhat more effective fashion after studying the literature on dealing with HCPs/abusers. I set firm boundaries in various areas and made it clear that I didn't consider her bad childhood to be any excuse for actions she engaged in today. I stood firm as she alternated between rage, threats, and despair.

After these confrontations she has improved some of her behavior. She has stopped picking fights with my daughter and is making efforts to parent in a more consistent way. She started seeing a therapist and went to an abusers support group (on her own initiative, I've always been careful not to prompt her to seek therapy.) She's been flying into jealous rages less often.

I have doubts if she is really serious about getting better though. She says her therapist diagnosed her with depression but told her she is not BPD because her symptoms are not severe enough. She continues to be very emphatic about how serious her issues are when she is making excuses for abusive behaviors, not being able to have a job/career, etc but seems still unwilling to admit she has a serious mental illness and seek appropriate treatment like DBT. She's talked at great length for years about how "addicted" she is to my attention and validation, how she feels the need for me to parent her and take the place of her father, how she feels like a terrible person no matter what she does, and so on, basically she describes many symptoms of BPD she is experiencing but refuses to acknowledge the potential diagnosis.

For me day to day life is better but still challenging. I have chronic migraine (constant headache that easily escalates to full migraine episodes) and a raft of other chronic health issues. I've managed to attain an emotional distance from her such that her mood swings don't effect me much and I haven't let her trigger a migraine episode in 2 months. However I still have occasional migraine episodes caused by weather. I had a weather-induced migraine episode on new year's eve and she caught me smiling at a text from a friend (just some dumb joke about fireworks) and flew into a rage talking about how "you never smile that way for me anymore", "I'm just an afterthought to you", and so on. This kicked the migraine pain up to really unbearable levels and I spent most of the next day in bed crying b/c it hurt was so bad. While I was in this state she said some things in a resentful tone like "you'll always feel like a victim even though I'm trying to do better" that make me think her
 behaving better and going to therapy is just a means to an end of "keeping" me, not something she's genuinely serious about.

So I feel safer from her when I'm feeling physically well, but still very vulnerable when unwell.

I feel like I'm really in a bind. I'm in a better place to survive living with her but my body still is not in great shape and I don't know how my health will be effected over the long term. But the idea of separating from her terrifies me because I can't predict how it will affect her. She's has this vast sense of abandonment that's triggered by me having casual social interactions - what will happen to her mind if she loses access to me altogether? The lawyers I've talked to tell me that since she hasn't hit anyone she wouldn't necessarily be considered as abusive in a legal setting. She'll likely get at least 50% custody of the children in a divorce, and my instinct is that she'll coerce the kids to take the role of caregiver if she doesn't have access to me. And the idea of the kids going through a high-conflict divorce where she's trying to use them as a weapon is intolerable.

I'm really curious about how people in the community reason about these issues, because I'm at a loss how to even think about some of this stuff. It just doesn't seem like there's any good outcome for the kids unless she commits to getting better, which I'm afraid isn't happening.

[AgrippanMode]

I'm conflicted about whether to continue my marriage to my wife who has BPD traits.

She engages in a variety of abusive behaviors that seem to stem from this intense need she has to monopolize my attention. She used to fly into jealous rages when I worked in an office, accusing me of cheating on her with no other evidence than the fact that I left the house to go to work. Now I work from home but she still gets triggered if she overhears me on a call with a co-worker or texting with someone on my phone. She also works to undermine my relationship with my family. She hasn't succeeded in that but has caused them a lot of emotional scars with her efforts.

Her moods are really terrifying to me because we have 2 children (S13 and D11.) I feel like I need to constantly be on high alert as she alternates between being extremely indulgent and picking fights with them (especially with my daughter,) I'm always on the ready to either defuse a shouting match or make sure she sets appropriate boundaries with the kids.

I've confronted her about this ineffectively for years as she is always able to take control of the conversation by flying into a rage, going into despair, saying nonsensical things, threatening to take the children and leave for parts unknown, etc.

However a few months ago I stumbled across the concept of BPD and began to get a more concrete grasp on what is going on. After reading the Walking on Eggshells book I was also prompted to call the domestic abuse hotline and start learning about the concept of emotional abuse. Before that I largely thought I was somehow at fault for my wife's behaviors due to not supporting her well enough, showing her enough love, etc but now I understand her issues have nothing to do with me, and that her mental illness does not excuse her being emotionally abusive.

This lead to me confronting her in a somewhat more effective fashion after studying the literature on dealing with HCPs/abusers. I set firm boundaries in various areas and made it clear that I didn't consider her bad childhood to be any excuse for actions she engaged in today. I stood firm as she alternated between rage, threats, and despair.

After these confrontations she has improved some of her behavior. She has stopped picking fights with my daughter and is making efforts to parent in a more consistent way. She started seeing a therapist and went to an abusers support group (on her own initiative, I've always been careful not to prompt her to seek therapy.) She's been flying into jealous rages less often.

I have doubts if she is really serious about getting better though. She says her therapist diagnosed her with depression but told her she is not BPD because her symptoms are not severe enough. She continues to be very emphatic about how serious her issues are when she is making excuses for abusive behaviors, not being able to have a job/career, etc but seems still unwilling to admit she has a serious mental illness and seek appropriate treatment like DBT. She's talked at great length for years about how "addicted" she is to my attention and validation, how she feels the need for me to parent her and take the place of her father, how she feels like a terrible person no matter what she does, and so on, basically she describes many symptoms of BPD she is experiencing but refuses to acknowledge the potential diagnosis.

For me day to day life is better but still challenging. I have chronic migraine (constant headache that easily escalates to full migraine episodes) and a raft of other chronic health issues. I've managed to attain an emotional distance from her such that her mood swings don't effect me much and I haven't let her trigger a migraine episode in 2 months. However I still have occasional migraine episodes caused by weather. I had a weather-induced migraine episode on new year's eve and she caught me smiling at a text from a friend (just some dumb joke about fireworks) and flew into a rage talking about how "you never smile that way for me anymore", "I'm just an afterthought to you", and so on. This kicked the migraine pain up to really unbearable levels and I spent most of the next day in bed crying b/c it hurt was so bad. While I was in this state she said some things in a resentful tone like "you'll always feel like a victim even though I'm trying to do better" that make me think her
 behaving better and going to therapy is just a means to an end of "keeping" me, not something she's genuinely serious about.

So I feel safer from her when I'm feeling physically well, but still very vulnerable when unwell.

I feel like I'm really in a bind. I'm in a better place to survive living with her but my body still is not in great shape and I don't know how my health will be effected over the long term. But the idea of separating from her terrifies me because I can't predict how it will affect her. She's has this vast sense of abandonment that's triggered by me having casual social interactions - what will happen to her mind if she loses access to me altogether? The lawyers I've talked to tell me that since she hasn't hit anyone she wouldn't necessarily be considered as abusive in a legal setting. She'll likely get at least 50% custody of the children in a divorce, and my instinct is that she'll coerce the kids to take the role of caregiver if she doesn't have access to me. And the idea of the kids going through a high-conflict divorce where she's trying to use them as a weapon is intolerable.

I'm really curious about how people in the community reason about these issues, because I'm at a loss how to even think about some of this stuff. It just doesn't seem like there's any good outcome for the kids unless she commits to getting better, which I'm afraid isn't happening.

[Serenitywithin]

You are where I was a year ago and your kids are about the age mine started having trouble becasue of the abuse I jsut posted an update as I currently have all 4 of my kids full time and she now has supervised visits. Your not alone I have been there reading your post.

Here is my story I wont tell you to stay or leave , but i will say to keep a close eye on your kids for self esteem issues or depression and get them help whether you stay or go i waited to long to get my kids help and wish i had done it sooner.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351761.msg13162596#msg13162596

[ForeverDad]

I was a bit conflicted about choosing between Legal Separation versus Divorce.  When I first met my lawyer long ago he said in 17 years he'd handled only two Legal Separations and neither included children or high conflict scenarios.

Sadly, so much about pwBPD involves all-or-nothing situations.  Separation is an in-between attempt at a solution.  Yes, it does get you a court order, temporary at first, but you're still linked to the other spouse, still married.  So probably nothing gets resolved well.

Are you pondering Divorce or Legal Separation?  When I first met my divorce lawyer, I said I was pondering which path to take.  He said in his then 17 years of practice he had handled only 2 legal separations and they had health insurance reasons, no custody conflict.  He warned me that if I tried Legal Separation and it wasn't enough to address our custody issues, then switching to Divorce might be possible but may cause delays.  He told me one case he handled where the H was looking very good in the Custody Evaluation, there was only his signature needed but the H went silent.  Lawyer called but the W answered the phone, they had reconciled.  Well, six months later the H called back and wanted to restart his divorce.  But the second time around the W knew which poor behaviors to avoid and this time she came out on top for parenting.

[maxsterling]

I would only consider a legal separation as a time to catch my breath before filing a divorce.  I would never pursue a separation unless I was ready to file for divorce within a few months.