Will anything reverse a BPD splitting black?

[shopgirl26]

Hi friends,

I'm sorry we have to be here but I'm glad we are here. I know this site has brought me a lot of peace over the last year.

I think I know the answer to my own question but I'm going to ask it anyway: Is there any way a BPD splitting black can be reversed?

This was a difficult holiday season for me. I caught myself missing my (soon to be ) ex-wife after 10 months of no contact. Two weeks of sobbing. This was the first time that grief hit me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't stop thinking of the good times and I find myself feeling jealous of friends whose BPD exes contacted them after time apart. I've heard nothing.

My ex was awful to me in the end (she broke in and stole my dog, lied in a courtroom, won the case/dog despite her lies, etc.) It makes no sense to miss her, I know that, but I do.

We were together 8 years. I loved her something fierce. It's the reason I stayed longer than I should have. Going through months of splitting, apathy, attitude, and shut down just waiting for the bubbly sweetheart to come back.

Sometimes I think that these last 10 months is the longest I've ever gone without her approval and that's why I miss her so much. I know how that sounds. I'm on Step 4 in Codependents Anonymous and working with a sponsor.

I wanted a friendship with my ex––not an everyday friendship but a cordial "hey, how is your life these days?" kind of relationship, but people tell me that's nearly impossible with a BPD.

Her mother yelled at my mother that I was a "terrible person, a liar, and a blackmailer." Needless to say, that's not true. I guess I'm wondering ---is there any chance that her splitting black on me can be reversed/will be reversed? Anyone here experienced that? There was like a 2 week window right after we broke up that she was able to see the grey area and the nuance and be appreciative for what we had. That window slammed shut for no reason, and all this rage and scorched earth mentality rushed in.

That's 8 years of my life gone, and the good times are gone with them now that she's telling everyone I'm an abuser. Any hope or no?

[ACycleWiser]

There was like a 2 week window right after we broke up that she was able to see the grey area and the nuance and be appreciative for what we had. That window slammed shut for no reason, and all this rage and scorched earth mentality rushed in.

That's 8 years of my life gone, and the good times are gone with them now that she's telling everyone I'm an abuser. Any hope or no?

Same here my friend. The splitting black is unavoidable in BPD, their pain, guilt or shame is just to big for them to handle after or even before an impending breakup - it's already near impossible for us sometimes - and this activates their splitting defenses.

It's horrible, i was just thinking about this today that from one moment to the next, poof, this person forgets all the good times and the good in you, and just overpaints your very being with evil ink. And they seemingly draw incredible energy from that to start over. It's almost like the person you knew died, something else took its place, and perhaps that might be the healthiest way to look at it for us.

Hope is a false gift. My wife came back the moment i was wholly ready to move on after a 6 months separation. Now after a 4 year recycle, just at the time that i thought the time was ripe to start living again with the kids slowly moving out of the house... bam, speedy devaluation, followed by an even quicker separation.

The thing is, what gives you hope might be be a point of stress for them that makes them flip, and you invested years more into your life, where you could have built a new more solid foundation.

To answer your questions:

yes, they can split white again, especially when they have a few negative encounters along the way that gives them (a) new target(s) to split black.

no, it can not be miraculously enforced. If anyone knew a trick to do that they would probably be very rich in no time :-) Acceptance of the facts, healing yourself and moving on is the only proven formula.

[crushedagain]

I can't stop thinking of the good times and I find myself feeling jealous of friends whose BPD exes contacted them after time apart. I've heard nothing.

I know how you feel because around the time mine left me and I started reading here, the common refrain was "they'll come back, they always do," but mine never did. At this point it's been 4 years. She's not coming back and I'll never hear from her again. But that doesn't mean I didn't secretly hope to hear from her again expressing her sadness or regret, or something. Maybe it's my own foolish ego wanting a boost. I don't know.

[grumpydonut]

Crushedagain,

My first gf had BPD. She came back last year. 14 years later.

[crushedagain]

Crushedagain,

My first gf had BPD. She came back last year. 14 years later.

I would laugh out loud at the absurdity. Even now, after 4 years, I would. I don't have anything good to say to her, so I'd probably just ignore.

[once removed]

its not weird to miss someone who didnt always treat you great.

part of codependency is a certain self consciousness and apology for feeling. let yourself feel. its okay to grieve.

to your question, there arent really "rules" when it comes to splitting. the answer is probably best understood as it applies uniquely to your situation.

on one hand, its been a nasty divorce. youre finding it hard to come back from, even as you miss her. i imagine shes struggling with that doubly. and divorces very rarely result in a friendship.

on the other hand, you miss her, even as youre finding the nasty divorce difficult and everything that transpired to be difficult to come back from. i imagine shes struggling with that too. it may be a bit more complex for her, feelings being so intense.

i dont know that statistically theres a lot of hope for a friendship, at least any time soon. but the thing about ice is that it thaws. im pretty good friends with an ex that was brutal to me (i wouldnt put it on the level of what youve experienced, but it was pretty ugly) and its all water under the bridge. i could be friends with the ex that brought me here, but it was so long ago, and it never happened, and theres frankly no reason for it to ever happen.

it all really depends on the ability of you both to heal and to put it behind you, and then upon what, if anything, prompts the two of you to reconcile.