Broke up with a woman who I think is BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi GTS-

I am so sorry you (we) are feeling this pain. I am in a somewhat similar timeline (expect the relationship lasted 5 months). On NYE my ex made it clear he didn't want to be involved romantically.  

A lot of really great care has been shared here.
You've mentioned the conflicting feelings of wanting your ex back while knowing she is bad news. The heart is not a servant to the mind/logic. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the space and time to feel the sadness of what's been lost.
One of my teachers says, the pain IS the healing.
Feeling the sadness, longing, missing, the grief, the anger, etc is what will allow the heart to heal. It is on it's own timeline and I believe our work is to bring compassion and love to what we are feeling and going through. Feeling the feelings doesn't mean we need to act on them.
 
Reconciling and being ok with the conflicting feelings in myself has been a process.
This IS unlike any other breakup.  
My heart genuinely loves and cares for my ex. I did feel loved and seen and like the luckiest woman in the world. There was such joy, love, laughter,  intimacy, connection, and gratitude when we were together (this part lasted 3 or so months for me).  Having a partner and friend like my ex to share life with, I felt more alive, confident, me.  It's natural and normal to want to feel that again and to grieve it's lost. In a normal breakup, grieving that part would be acceptable.

2 things seem to block this:
1- It was so confusing and unlike anything I had experienced, for a bit, I was unable to comprehend the loss… I guess that was denial.
2- I've noticed how much shame and how wrong I feel to let myself feel the loss…and the natural feelings that come with the loss of a relationship. It's like there is a defense mechanism that blocks me from grieving and honoring the good times we did share… which were true and real for me. (Unlike some of the things I have read, I do believe that my ex genuinely cared for me and the sentiments and feelings he shared were real. His internal landscape was just too complex to see those feelings through and be available for a deeper love and intimacy….so he ran/pushed love/me away).

My mind knows I deserve better treatment, to have a loyal partner who is stable, honest, has integrity and there is no changing my ex. That part is logical. My mind is determined to do no contact (My ex texted me twice in the last two weeks and I haven't written back). To move on. To learn from this. To get through the pain. This part focuses on all the behaviors and memories that demonstrate how unhealthy the relationship is/was.

And so I notice a split in myself, where I both long for a connection/love and feel aversion/distance with the same person. My inner world feels in conflict. After sitting with this (intensely) over the last few weeks, I have come to see this is a normal response to being intimate with a person who is internally split/conflicted. My contradictory feelings are a natural response to my ex's contradictory feelings/behaviors.  Reconciling and integrating the contradiction in myself is a process of allowing both… and not judging either. I talk with my therapist and friends, and I've found writing to be really helpful as well…

You did nothing to deserve the treatment of your ex and your feelings and longing for connection are not wrong either. Sending you compassion friend.

[Ellala]

Hi GTS-

I am so sorry you (we) are feeling this pain. I am in a somewhat similar timeline (expect the relationship lasted 5 months). On NYE my ex made it clear he didn't want to be involved romantically.  

A lot of really great care has been shared here.
You've mentioned the conflicting feelings of wanting your ex back while knowing she is bad news. The heart is not a servant to the mind/logic. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the space and time to feel the sadness of what's been lost.
One of my teachers says, the pain IS the healing.
Feeling the sadness, longing, missing, the grief, the anger, etc is what will allow the heart to heal. It is on it's own timeline and I believe our work is to bring compassion and love to what we are feeling and going through. Feeling the feelings doesn't mean we need to act on them.
 
Reconciling and being ok with the conflicting feelings in myself has been a process.
This IS unlike any other breakup.  
My heart genuinely loves and cares for my ex. I did feel loved and seen and like the luckiest woman in the world. There was such joy, love, laughter,  intimacy, connection, and gratitude when we were together (this part lasted 3 or so months for me).  Having a partner and friend like my ex to share life with, I felt more alive, confident, me.  It's natural and normal to want to feel that again and to grieve it's lost. In a normal breakup, grieving that part would be acceptable.

2 things seem to block this:
1- It was so confusing and unlike anything I had experienced, for a bit, I was unable to comprehend the loss… I guess that was denial.
2- I've noticed how much shame and how wrong I feel to let myself feel the loss…and the natural feelings that come with the loss of a relationship. It's like there is a defense mechanism that blocks me from grieving and honoring the good times we did share… which were true and real for me. (Unlike some of the things I have read, I do believe that my ex genuinely cared for me and the sentiments and feelings he shared were real. His internal landscape was just too complex to see those feelings through and be available for a deeper love and intimacy….so he ran/pushed love/me away).

My mind knows I deserve better treatment, to have a loyal partner who is stable, honest, has integrity and there is no changing my ex. That part is logical. My mind is determined to do no contact (My ex texted me twice in the last two weeks and I haven't written back). To move on. To learn from this. To get through the pain. This part focuses on all the behaviors and memories that demonstrate how unhealthy the relationship is/was.

And so I notice a split in myself, where I both long for a connection/love and feel aversion/distance with the same person. My inner world feels in conflict. After sitting with this (intensely) over the last few weeks, I have come to see this is a normal response to being intimate with a person who is internally split/conflicted. My contradictory feelings are a natural response to my ex's contradictory feelings/behaviors.  Reconciling and integrating the contradiction in myself is a process of allowing both… and not judging either. I talk with my therapist and friends, and I've found writing to be really helpful as well…

You did nothing to deserve the treatment of your ex and your feelings and longing for connection are not wrong either. Sending you compassion friend.

[truthbeknown]

GTS,

I might be late to the comments in this thread but I wanted to chime in just in case you happen to see it.

First, lets talk about sex.  In many of these situations the love bombing is intense.  The chemistry is off the charts and it creates a dopamine addiction.  Very much like any other kind of addiction, the brain gets a rush from this type of dopamine rush and wants more.  Then if it is taken away abruptly, it almost creates a stronger desire for it.  This is the essence of addiction. But why do we get addicted to the bpd person versus anyone else?  this is the question that I had to wrestle with during my last breakup.  I have come to learn alot about the reward / punishment cascade and how it actually wires the brain to want to try and fix things due to "safety".   In other words, if you can fix the relationship then the brain feels safe temporarily again.  But its a lie that we tell ourselves or our mind tells us because we dissociate the painful experiences and our minds get rewired to sense pain as pleasure.  This is the same thing that happens with prisoners of war.  In order to survive the painful abuse, the mind crosses it's wiring and starts to like pain or turn pain into pleasure.  Why? it's a survival mechanism.  So with these interactions with people who have bpd, its like our own survival mechanism kicks in and we rewire our brain to think that the pain we might experience if we take them back is worth it (because now pain equals pleasure which equals safety).  So I have learned and now I actually coach people on this that trauma rewires the brain's pain/pleasure centers.  Also, this is what's happening to the bpd person as well and in some sense it's like a mindset infection.  In other words the way they self sabotage and look for pain because it is more comfortable can be taken on by us as a projection.  So we by nature of bonding with them take on the projection or can take it on.   

In my last relationship, I chose to go no contact because I knew about the pain/pleasure cycle and I was susceptible to it.  I had been recylcled twice by her and third time was not going to happen.  I made a commitment to protecting myself.  The hardest lesson I've had to learn but it was also something I needed to learn. 

With that said, I just found out 2 years later that my ex got married and it did sting for a bit and that prompted me to come on here and remember what others have gone through with partners who have bpd. 

I am to be honest and always will be in love with the part of her that showed up first and that cared for me when i was ill etc etc.  However, there were actually two personalities that lived in her.  Maybe she has healed that, maybe she hasn't.  It is possible and I found a psychologist who used to help people with Dissociative identity disorder recover but it took years.

Our conscious minds know that someone with a personality disorder or quirk or split personality is not healthy for us.  But our memories of the good times and the pleasure reward centers don't want to hear that.  So I come on here every once and awhile to remind myself what others have gone through if they get recycled with someone who has not been able to heal their trauma.   

My hope for my ex is that she did go through some counseling and healing and possibly the new guy is not as triggering for her. For example, some partners who leave us will find someone they are not in love with or attracted to so they don't get their abandonment wounds triggered as easily.  The more they are attracted to someone and love them the worse their abandonment issues tend to get triggered and then the devaluing kicks in. 

You will always love the "good" part of her.  When I coach people on this the biggest issue they have in a breakup is thinking that they have to forget about the person they loved.  I don't think that helps us.  I will always love her and wish her best.  However, I have also learned to protect myself which was a hard lesson to learn.  I hope you can cut yourself some slack for missing her, that's perfectly okay to have those feelings.  You didn't do anything wrong by protecting yourself and your daughter it's just the paradox of these situations. 

[GTS22]

Thanks Ellala and truthbeknown.  I’m really struggling today and not sure why?  You’re right.  This is like no other breakup that I’ve experienced, including my exwife cheating on me.  This just sucks.  And I think seeing her jump to the other guy so quickly is an ego wound.  It feels like she chose him over trying to work things out with me.  But that’s probably because working things out with me would have taken effort on her part, as opposed to just jumping into a new carefree relationship.   I’m just shocked it escalated so quickly, but even that is probably a blessing in disguise, as it probably is preventing me from recycling and more pain.  I just want to feel better. 

[harbinger70]

GTS

It’s tough man. It really is. And like the last post said, your brain will rewire itself to focus on pain as pleasure. Don’t look at her social media. Wait until your emotions are calm and then see how you feel. And the biggest takeaway - you did nothing wrong. Women with BPD are the hardest breakup. I didn’t hurt this bad after my exW either. Relationships are hard and take work from both people involved. It doesn’t work like that for a person suffering from BPD.

[harbinger70]

truthbeknown

Thanks for your words of wisdom. You’re absolutely right that’s going no contact is the best method of moving on and healing. I think discussing it here also helps me a lot because it helps me make sense of what happened to me in my last relationship. At the time I had never heard of BPD but after discussing my relationship with my therapist he said “She probably had BPD” which gave me SOME closure. At least now I was able to see that she was suffering from a very real mental illness and that my actions in the relationship were not wrong. Being loving and affectionate doesn’t drive people away - but in her case it did. Smothering/engulfment took over and she bailed.

I hope your ex got the therapy she needed and is making genuine progress in bettering herself. Not to sound cynical but part of me doubts it because it seems like so many people with BPD, from the scholarly articles and peer discussion posts alike, make it sound like very few people with the disorder get the help they need. But who knows. Maybe your ex did.

I haven’t been recycled by my ex. Not yet at least. But I’m waiting for it. I’d be curious to talk with her but not restart the relationship. From all the stories I’ve heard it doesn’t end well.

[Ellala]

Thanks Ellala and truthbeknown.  I’m really struggling today and not sure why?  You’re right.  This is like no other breakup that I’ve experienced, including my exwife cheating on me.  This just sucks.  And I think seeing her jump to the other guy so quickly is an ego wound.  It feels like she chose him over trying to work things out with me.  But that’s probably because working things out with me would have taken effort on her part, as opposed to just jumping into a new carefree relationship.   I’m just shocked it escalated so quickly, but even that is probably a blessing in disguise, as it probably is preventing me from recycling and more pain.  I just want to feel better.  

I appreciate this thought…it rings true for my ex too… "working things out with me would have taken effort on her part, as opposed to just jumping"…

My ex confided there was a part of him that didn't want to do the work required to be in a relationship… he noticed a childlike desire to just receive love without having to make any effort.  So, I think you are spot on. She probably doesn't want to do the work to develop a real or deep intimacy (whether she is aware of it or not).   You had a higher standard, wanted and deserved a level of love and relating she couldn't meet. And what you wanted is perfectly normal and sane. It's really her loss.    

Sorry today is hard. Seeing someone you've been intimate with jump so fast is shocking.

Sometimes I say "God's rejection is God's protection".  

[truthbeknown]

GTS,

The other thing I just thought of is projection goes both ways.  It took me awhile to realize that I was projecting too.  I always thought that bpd people projected their pain onto their partners (and they do) but I never considered that I was projecting "goodness" or my concept of relationships onto her.  So part of why I think our brains struggle in addition to what i said in the previous post is that we expect them to be like us (subconsciously of course-not something any of us are aware of when we are doing it).  By learning about enmeshment and projection I could begin to understand that they way that they leave us is a way of projecting their inner pain onto us.  Then the question becomes are we going to accept the projection or recognize it and transmute it?   Her going with the other guy so quickly is a way that she in her bpd mind transfers the pain from her to you.  That's the projecting.   Of course it's done subconsciously and she isn't aware of it.  Also, on the flip side we are really feeling how they should feel but dissociate from and put on or project onto us.  It's like a transfer of pain in some weird way but healthy people are susceptible to it.  On my end, i recognized my OVER empathy part of my brain was kicking in.  So rather than being in a normal state of empathy, i was in a heightened state of empathy which can be just as destructive as lack of empathy or no empathy.  So as I healed and learned some healing techniques I was able to restore my nervous system to the regular place where it supposed to be rather than stuck in fight/flight or fawn mode.   

[GTS22]

Thanks truthbeknown and Ellala.  You both make great points.

I'm really struggling today.  I miss her so much, but you're right that what I miss is not the real her.  It's my projection of the person I thought/wished she would be.  It stinks to see her showering the new guy with the love that I crave from her. 

I created the situation I'm in.  I was the one who broke up with her, because she did and said things that were unacceptable.  I need to remember that, but it's just so hard to do that.  I'm so fixated on the good times and the anticipated good times in the future.  I need to focus on the present - on what is now, and that is that I'm no longer with her and she's with the new guy.  I just want to the obsessing and the desperate wanting to speak with her to stop.

[judee]

Thruthbeknown, your piece about idealisation of the relationship resonated with me a lot as well..well said, thank you!

GTS22, you didn't create the mess you are in, you took yourself out of it, in time.
And (no offence) now it is really hard not to fool yourself by idealising what you haven't been put through.
This is the hardest thing about not sticking around long enough to be demolished by this relationship. It is a sign of health but that much harder to let go of those dreams. You would have been in a deep, stinky mess if you would have stuck around...  you had every reason to trust yourself when breaking up with her.

[GTS22]

Judee, yes I think you are absolutely right.  I’m disappointed because if she could have remained the woman she presented during the first 8 weeks, I would have been happy to spend the rest of my life with her.  And I think about all of the plans we talked about for the future.  I romanticize the good times we had and mourn the fact that those times won’t continue.  I wanted to have another shot with her to see if we could recapture that, and now that she’s in another relationship, those dreams are dashed. 

But I also know intellectually, that her antics would have not only continued, but most likely would have only gotten worse.  She criticized my younger daughter (thankfully not directly to her face), and she started to create a wedge between me and my best friend.  I’m sure she would have continued to drive wedges between me and the people closest to me.  And she probably would have isolated me and then start to unload her pain and anger on me. 

But I don’t want to see the facts.  I pine for the woman that I fell in love with.  I haven’t told many women that I love them, so even though this was a short relationship, it affected me tremendously.  I think her moving on so quickly into a Facebook official “I Love You new guy” relationship was a gut punch.  It also stirred up past hurts, as my exwife cheated on me and ended up marrying the guy she cheated with, and then the woman I dated for 2-1/2 years a couple years after my divorce also cheated on me and is still with the guy she cheated with.  So now this exGF is in a committed relationship, that means the last 3 women I’ve fallen in love with are all in happy committed relationships, and I’m alone and sad.  That definitely is contributing to my current state of quasi depression. 

[harbinger70]

GTS

That’s quite literally what I went through too. My ex wife immediately jumped into another relationship (it didn’t last long). And my BPDexgf also jumped into a new relationship and is (I assume) still with the new guy. They’ve been together now longer than she and I were together which hurts in a way, but also makes me feel sorry for the new guy. He has no clue what he’s gotten himself into. I would wager that after Valentine’s Day they’ll be done and she will move on. But who knows. I think my exgf with BPD will struggle for the rest of her life because she’s not getting treatment for her issues.

And as it sounds, they tend to come back to their exes once they’re done with their new relationship. I know I’d be curious to talk with her again but know in my heart that there’s nothing I could do to change her mental illness. And neither can you. Bear that in mind when she comes back around. Stay strong.

[GTS22]

Thanks harbinger.  Mine reached out to me 3 weeks after the breakup to shame me for not checking up on her after her major surgery.  We were broken up, and she had defriended me on social media.  Then 2 of her friends reached out to me and said they were sorry things didn't work out between us, and that I should contact her.  So, I tried between Christmas and New Years - she and I were messaging (mostly me asking to have a conversation with her, and her berating me for "leaving her during her biggest time of need").  Each time I said "It doesn't sound like you want to talk, so I wish you well in the future", she would say "I didn't say that.  I just said I need to focus on my health right now, and maybe we can talk after the new year."  On January 3, I discovered she was in a Facebook official relationship with the new guy. 

So, I don't think she's going to come around again.  No chance she breaks up with this new guy before Valentine's Day, and then her 40th birthday is mid March.  She's likely locked in at least through then, which would be the same 2-1/2 months I lasted.  If he's OK putting up with her antics (I couldn't do it), he might even last longer than that.  I miss her tremendously and would love to revisit a potential relationship with her, but especially after reading posts on this board, I can see that it would be a horrible decision by me.  Yet still one I would probably make. 

[harbinger70]

Yeah man I know how you feel. My ex uBPDgf was with me every day for seven weeks, not quite 2 months and then with the new guy a week after she dumped me. Her mom reached out the next day and said she was sorry how it turned out and her best friends followed me on IG for another 2 months. Now they unfollowed me.

I reached out after two weeks (she had been spying on my IG stories) and she very matter-of-factly said it was fun but not the right fit. I said I was there whenever she needed me. Who knows. They’re unpredictable. And it’s not healthy to be in relationships with them even though we miss those happy times. I would guess we both will hear from them once their new relationships end. Or maybe never. But all the signs say they get lonely and then go back to the people they once had affections for. But WE have to remember it’s like dealing with an addict - you have to remember the illness takes over. They don’t think logically.

[GTS22]

I just want to be over her so that I can stop obsessing about what might have been.  I fell hard for her, so it's been really difficult to let her go.

[SinisterComplex]

I just want to be over her so that I can stop obsessing about what might have been.  I fell hard for her, so it's been really difficult to let her go.

I'm still following along. A suggestion. Right now this is an addiction for you not just an obsession. So I propose that you find a novel hobby or passion you have been thinking about or put off and you throw yourself into it. Let's start there. Share some ideas about that. The point is to get you off this track. The only way to beat an addiction effectively is to replace the negative behavior with a positive behavior. In essence, let's have you focus on being productive and get rid of the destructive cycle. No more defaulting back to her. No. Tell me what you are going to do and then you Nike that S  !

Essentially you have to work on tricking your mind to shift you off this track and on to another. You can't do anything about what has already happened. So focus on the now and moving forward.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[GTS22]

Thanks SinisterComplex.  Right now, I'm slammed at work.  Trying to focus on that has been tough.  And I'm working out to release/expend energy.  Maybe this is a good time to clean up my house and purge things that I need to get rid of and donate. 

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks SinisterComplex.  Right now, I'm slammed at work.  Trying to focus on that has been tough.  And I'm working out to release/expend energy.  Maybe this is a good time to clean up my house and purge things that I need to get rid of and donate. 

There we go. It doesn't have to be something grand, exciting, and adventurous. No, simple will do. I would highly recommend the cleaning up the house idea. Perhaps focusing on that and putting energy into that will be cathartic and in the process eventually help you to get your mind off this situation. The idea is to have this situation not take front and center on stage, but rather wither away into the sands of time. Because of the strong emotions you have to work hard on training your mind to be focused on other things and let the situation fade away because it is a process and it takes time. So with the working out...focus on new mini goals. Research new tips and strategies and strive to create novelty. This is key. By creating novelty your mind will slowly shift away from this situation.

Cheers and best wishes my friend.

-SC-

[truthbeknown]

I romanticize the good times we had and mourn the fact that those times won’t continue.  


But I don’t want to see the facts.  I pine for the woman that I fell in love with.  I haven’t told many women that I love them, so even though this was a short relationship, it affected me tremendously.  I think her moving on so quickly into a Facebook official “I Love You new guy” relationship was a gut punch.  It also stirred up past hurts, as my exwife cheated on me and ended up marrying the guy she cheated with, and then the woman I dated for 2-1/2 years a couple years after my divorce also cheated on me and is still with the guy she cheated with.  So now this exGF is in a committed relationship, that means the last 3 women I’ve fallen in love with are all in happy committed relationships, and I’m alone and sad.  That definitely is contributing to my current state of quasi depression.  

A couple of things came to mind:  1st: as far as romanticizing about the good times.  I think this is the mind paradox that we can get stuck in- for me I recognized that I had a pattern that got me into this type of relationship or a relationship with someone who has bpd traits.  And for me that pattern was "fun" .  I came from a very critical family and upbringing and everything seemed criticized.  I think my mom was more on the npd spectrum versus bpd but I realize there is crossover.  Labels aside, fun was not allowed in my mom's world when it came to us kids.  It had to be perfection.  I'm not sure when I realized it but reflecting back on my ex she was the "joy" i needed in my life to get me away from the seriousness that I have experienced so much of my life.  And I also realized that women with bpd traits give me permission to be silly and bring out the little kid playfulness that I don't normally experience.  Since this realization, several things have happened.  I have met friends who have had a similar pattern in relationship and have attracted partners who are the "life of the party" but ultimately in a relationship we also need some stability and maturity and they are not able to shift from this childlike mode to an adult mode without being angry.   That was a huge awareness for me because I have since experienced watching seniors get dementia and the ones who haven't processed their pain and emotional issues are the ones that tend to get angry when they get confused.   I started thinking about that in respect to bpd personas and its a similar deal with their brains.  They go from one extreme to another.  In dementia, the person declines to the point where they don't make logical decisions, they are very impulsive and they aren't intentionally trying to harm themselves or others but they just do.  They can't be trusted either.  It's helped me get a mental perspective on the disorder and look at the person in a different light.  As far as switching to other partners they are just looking for someone who will tolerate their shadow side and have less boundaries for them.  The fact that you had boundaries upset the apple cart.  

Now, getting back to the other side of the equation: again I think that I was attracted to bpd traits because it gave me permission to be more free, open, sillly and experience fun in ways that had never experienced.  So a side of me that was dormant was awakened.  The loss of my ex represented the loss of having this permission to have fun and show my inner child if you will.  I was parentified as a child so I didn't really get to experience all the fun of growing up.  Being with a person with bpd traits is like being able to have the perfect play partner that we want as children but unfortunately it also boomerangs into having to evoke the parent hat when their behavior goes south or as one of my friends says "sideways".  

Your loss is real, and I encourage you to examine what parts of you showed up with her that were dormant before and that now you are afraid you won't be able to access without her.

Btw, I recently made friends with a woman in another country because we were on a fb group together and met each other there.  I have experienced some of the fun again that I had with my ex but the good thing is that we are just long distance friends and I am discovering that I don't need to be in a romantic relationship to experience this.   I'm sure there is still plenty for me to learn but I wanted to share that as it has helped me process my "patterns" of being attracted to certain women.