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Author Topic: Replying / setting boundaries to accusations  (Read 372 times)
15years
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« on: January 12, 2022, 10:38:08 AM »

Let's assume I have raped and abused my partner for years, but am quite certain that I'm not doing it anymore.

How do I respond to it when she brings it up?
Why is she bringing it up again and again?
How do I set boundaries when faced with such accusations?

Examples:
1. Showing me the news article about an actor being accused of rape. I read it and don't know what to say. I tell her that's horrible what he's being accused of, she finds my response wierd considering my history. Asks me how it feels to understand the actor.
2. She thinks my credibility in moral opinions differing from hers is zero because I'm a rapist.
3. She wakes me up moments after I've fallen asleep, angry about how I've treated her. Or she doesn't let me sleep until I've validated her.
4. Wanting me to read lyrics to songs she relates to because of my abuse. Asking me if I haven't got anything to say about it.
5. Asking me why I don't bring up the subject myself every day until I've put things right.
6. Says that when she's angry I should ask her to hit/kick me without defending myself because I deserve it. And that then she wouldn't do it because she would feel validated plus she does not support violence.
7. Saying I don't take responsibility.


I don't know if a rapist deserves this. Trying to not take it personally. But maybe that's wrong if I'm a rapist.

Am I enabling these repeated accusations somehow? Will it ever stop?
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« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2022, 11:25:54 AM »

How did she convince you that you were a rapist and abuser? Do you believe this about your past?

Why would she want to remain in an intimate relationship with someone she believes raped her? What does she get from this?
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« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2022, 04:54:43 PM »

How did she convince you that you were a rapist and abuser? Do you believe this about your past?

Why would she want to remain in an intimate relationship with someone she believes raped her? What does she get from this?

I echo these questions.

Rev
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Couscous
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2022, 05:00:01 PM »

Excerpt
Will it ever stop?

Probably not without therapeutic assistance.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2022, 07:47:15 PM »

She may have BPD but for any person, enduring something like rape and abuse for years would be significant emotional trauma, especially if she continues to be in a relationship with the person who did the abuse.

Why would anyone stay with someone who they believe raped and abused them? Many reasons- children, financial dependence, and abusive relationships are complicated and involve dynamics between both people. Many people stay in abusive relationships.

As you say -assume you did something that was very hurtful to her and now you have stopped doing it and it is being brought up repeatedly. It's good that you are no longer doing the behavior that was hurtful to her, and to you perhaps that means you have resolved it, but emotional trauma isn't easily resolved and having BPD would make the emotional issues even more.

I wonder if you affectively made amends. To you perhaps you have apologized, but apparently the hurt feelings are still there for her. I understand on your part, you want this to be put in the past and move on. She may not be able to do that, and so certain songs, or TV shows, or other reminders bring these emotions up. On your part, this is tiring to be constantly reminded.

When she brings it up - she's not asking for just an apology. She needs to know that you truly understand her feelings, how they impacted her. It's a difficult situation because she still needs to hear this, and you feel you've done all you can do and you are tired of the accusations and probably sound a bit annoyed, and this doesn't come across as empathetic. In your defense though, you should not have to hear this over and over with no end. It needs to have some resolution.

I think Couscous is correct, some issues need counseling to navigate and resolve. This kind of thing is emotional for both of you. A counselor can direct the conversation towards resolution rather than have the conversation deteriorate and go circular. Those kinds of conversations don't lead to resolution.



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15years
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« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2022, 05:01:03 AM »

How did she convince you that you were a rapist and abuser? Do you believe this about your past?

I'm not convinced if I'm a rapist or not. I don't think I'm an abuser, not one with a pd at least, certainly not making her walk on eggshells. I have been using sexual violence and I could be a bit hypersexual, so if she claims that sex has not been with her consent then I cannot disagree.

We didn't communicate verbally about sex at the beginning, 16 years old both of us. She has consented to some rough sex, but we didn't communicate about most of it. Now she thinks that rough sex is always rape, that you cannot place responsibility on anyone that they should say no or that it's their responsibility if they did consent or was the one who took the initiative. So violent sex equals rape even if it was consensual.

Her definition of sexual abuse is that if it isn't love it's abuse. Oral sex, anal sex, sexualizing clothing and bodies, porn, humiliating dirty talk, all fetishes and kinks -> ABUSE! Takes away a bit of the fun according to me (but I cannot tell her that).

If I disagree it makes me feel like I don't stand for love. Isn't that an idealized reality? But maybe it really is true and that's the big purpose behind BPD, they do not accept peoples flaws to do damage to that sensitive inner child. They create change. Maybe the whole metoo-movement was fueled by people with bpd wanting change.

Why would she want to remain in an intimate relationship with someone she believes raped her? What does she get from this?

Read Notwendy's response, you could certainly stay in a relationship with a rapist I guess. Maybe there is abuse that isn't caused by mental problems, but by norms and cowards.
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« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2022, 06:17:19 AM »

I think the me too movement involved women who did experience having their boundaries crossed sexually. On the other hand, I realize that a false accusation of sexual abuse or rape is also unethical and damaging. Justice involves honesty, and yes not all people are honest but respect for boundaries and consideration remains essential in any relationship.

What I think may be happening is a sort of double emotional hurt in a sense. First, you really were kids and clueless when this started, both of you lacking maturity and judgment but you have that now. On her part, it's known that pwBPD have poor boundaries, and may also tend to people please/mirror a romantic partner at times. She may have said yes to some things out of her own need to feel loved by you, but she also may have felt she had to do that to keep you. In addition, it's possible you took things too far at times. It seems you know that now.

This kind of situation could be hurtful to anyone, BPD or not. In addition, a pwBPD also has some core trauma- many pwBPD also grew up in dysfunctional families where there was some sort of abuse. Many of the nons as well. So it's possible that the scenarios you two engaged in were in ways, similar emotionally to the abuse and low sense of self already there. The abuse didn't need to be physical. It's the sense of not being loved, but being used instead.

You two are also possibly mismatched in terms of what you want to do sexually. I would guess that a lot of people don't have this discussion before marriage unless they marry at a more mature age. Not everyone is comfortable with some of the things you desire. This is a tough one because, if one partner knows the other isn't happy or feels they are missing out, this affects their self esteem and emotions too. On your part, your physical relationship "isn't as much fun" for you either, and so this plays into your physical relationship as well.

While your wife having BPD can impact this situation, I think this could happen with any couple, not just BPD and it's also a tough situation to work out as there are so many feelings associated with this ( and BPD makes that harder to manage). While marriage counseling isn't the most effective with all issues involving BPD, this might be one to bring up with a counselor where you both can hear each other out. I agree that you should not be condemned forever for decisions you made at a very young age and that you have stopped doing, but also for possible resolution to happen, if there's emotional trauma for her from these experiences, that needs to be addressed.



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« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2022, 07:43:26 AM »

For many years the fights/not even fights but discussions have been about me:
- not being present
- not being my true self
- not being open to love
- having unresolved feelings of hate towards my parents and siblings
- projecting that hate onto her
- not having values
- not being a warm person
- resisting her
- wanting to punish her
- being jealous of her
- making her feel less than everyone else
- not flirting with her
- not showing my love for her publicly
- not showing my true emotions about ex girlfriends

Like with the accusations of sexual abuse, I can find some truth in most of these claims. I used to take it very seriously as I've loved her very much and wanted to make her happy (and stop receiving critisism of course), but occasionally I have felt hate towards these accusations. At the end of the day I have tried to be more present, not knowing what exactly I'm doing wrong, all the while my kids seem to like me for who I am.

Is it even possible to emotionally separate accusations into levels of importance. I guess some here would only reject accusations that accuses both you and societies norms but I have a hard time doing that as I can see the grains or not only grains of truth. I only have a hard time knowing the difference between feeling guilty and (insert whatever it is I'm trying to say)

for example multiple partners being a norm nowadays, my wife is very unhappy for 14 years having found out I wasn't a virgin. Professionals say you have nothing to do with your partners previous relationships. She says that if it makes her feel unhappy it's my responsibility if I love her, to ease her pain. The norm is to be cold towards real feelings.
Same applies with sexual abuse.

Sorry if I don't make sense, I'm just too upset and feel hopelessness right now.
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« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2022, 07:44:51 AM »

Why is everyone allowing this man to allow his abuser tell him he is a rapist? Have I missed something here?

If you have raped someone a) I think it's highly likely you would know b) you belong in jail.

This seems like some of the most effective gaslighting I've ever witnessed on another human - getting you to question whether or not you're a rapist? Really?

Step back from her for a little bit and you will find clarity.
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« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2022, 09:35:24 AM »

Why is everyone allowing this man to allow his abuser tell him he is a rapist? Have I missed something here?

If you have raped someone a) I think it's highly likely you would know b) you belong in jail.

This seems like some of the most effective gaslighting I've ever witnessed on another human - getting you to question whether or not you're a rapist? Really?

Step back from her for a little bit and you will find clarity.


Could not have said it better myself.

Rev.
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« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2022, 10:29:14 AM »

Nobody is saying it’s ok to accuse him of being a rapist. The first line of the post was “let’s assume I am a rapist” but not anymore - so my reply went with that.

It’s not ok to make a false accusation. One should not validate the invalid. Not engaging in the discussion is an option but I don’t know if that’s the solution to why his wife feels that way.

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« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2022, 10:41:48 AM »

I do think the rumination about not being a virgin is not an issue you need to do something about.

You can’t change the past. Prior relationships have nothing to do with her. If marring a virgin is something important to a person - it’s their responsibility to bring that up while dating. As long as you didn’t misrepresent yourself that’s not a solvable issue on your part.

Seems there is a lot of layers in this situation.
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« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2022, 10:42:30 AM »

Nobody is saying it’s ok to accuse him of being a rapist. The first line of the post was “let’s assume I am a rapist” but not anymore - so my reply went with that.

It’s not ok to make a false accusation. One should not validate the invalid. Not engaging in the discussion is an option but I don’t know if that’s the solution to why his wife feels that way.



Hi NotWendy,

Thanks for this comment which focusses in on a core dynamic that I can see.  And because I am focussing in on the dynamic in broader terms, I am not directing it at you or any one in particular. You bring up, or highlight rather, the conflicting ways one can hear an abuse victim - regardless of gender or age or sexual orientation or .... So thank you for that.

The piece that I am adding is that a hallmark of abuse is the victim ultimately absorbs the identity that has been thrust upon them by their abuser.  This a particularly true of male victims, who tend to be picked apart rather than beaten down, if that makes sense.

How to guide someone into a clearer place is always the trick in these situations. And if there isn't clarity, more often than not, people are not sharing on the same plane. So I agree with you - not engaging is a non-option, option. And I'm also not sure that an abuse victim is looking for a solution to how anybody is feeling before then can come to terms with the breadth and depth of their own situation.


Everybody hang in there. Tough times.

Rev
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« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2022, 10:59:32 AM »

Absolutely - Rev- Karpman triangle dynamics are such that a person with BPD perceives themselves as a victim which to them somehow makes their abusive behavior unaccounted for - after all- if they are the victim their “abuser” deserves this ( to them - not really) . Lots to untangle here.

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kells76
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« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2022, 11:17:11 AM »

Agreed, lots to untangle, which strikes me as important.

As 15years' post title includes "setting boundaries" about the accusations...

I wonder if a way to approach the relentless accusations/insinuations could be that this obviously seems important to Wife. She would never argue "this is not absolutely critical to me" or "this is not a huge deal", right? And I think "everyone" would agree that accusing someone of being abusive isn't a "DIY" project to work on. I believe she also may have a belief or mindset of "15years must be shown how serious this is" and at the same time "15years does NOT understand how serious this is".

If all that is true for her...

An approach would be:

Yes, I will interact with you about this article, this idea, that thought, this memory, this issue

with a counselor.

"Counseling is the place where we will interact about this topic that is clearly important to you, that you may believe I do not take seriously enough or think about often enough, and that is actually a crime. Because this topic is so, so, so intense and serious, and you probably think I am not fixing it, then we should take it to a professional."

I would be interested to see what would happen if every time Wife brings up "look at this article" the response was "I absolutely see how important it is to you, and it's such a critical topic that I will set up a counseling appointment for us to discuss it. Whatever I have been doing about it up until now has clearly not worked for you, so I am unwilling to keep doing what isn't working, which is the two of us trying to fix it."

then, if Wife again is like "stay here and listen to me tell you about how abusive you are", the response could be "I agree that abuse is serious, so much so that I am pulling out my phone and calling our counselor to schedule an appointment ASAP"

She can't [rationally/coherently] both believe that abuse is serious and the most important thing to talk about, and shut down every avenue of showing a professional "how bad 15years is".

If/when counseling starts, a question that I might put out there, if I were in 15years' shoes, is:

"Counselor, please help me understand my wife more... help me understand why she chooses to stay with me when she accuses me of X, Y, and Z, and especially when the way it is presented to me, I have never responded to her the way she wants. I just need help understanding her perspective, that she sees me as abusive and also stays married to me"

...

Nutshell version: the boundary I would consider setting is every time the article, story, show, comment, memory, etc, about "rape and abuse" is brought up, the instant response is "I agree that is serious, so I am making a therapy appointment right now for ASAP"
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« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2022, 09:07:32 PM »

Kells, I love this boundary- not just for this accusation but for serious emotional topics Smiling (click to insert in post) that are most likely going to lead to circular discussions and not be resolved.

Yes, dear, let's discuss this- in the presence of our counselor. Then, don't continue the discussion- keep referring to " we have an appointment next Wednesday- let's save this discussion for that" ( and stick to it).
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« Reply #16 on: January 14, 2022, 03:28:34 AM »

I wish I would be strong enough to set that boundary. She won't even meet with a neutral party to begin with. She calls it talking behind closed door and that this shouldn't be a secret. Family should be involved because violence is in the foundation of the family and if one does something wrong its everybodies issue, parents, grandparents, siblings.

Oh god this might still get worse because so far only our parents have been involved. And I have talked to three different mental health professionals.
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« Reply #17 on: January 14, 2022, 05:32:55 AM »

Thank you for having my back, but as Notwendy says, the post suggested what I would do if i indeed was guilty of the accusations. This is my worst case scenario fear and even if it were true, I wondered what I could do to set boundaries.

If I'm honest I was a bit drawn in and lost touch of reality for a while there and felt like I was back a few months ago when I still thought that I somehow have to find my ability to take emotional responsibility.

It's very hard to think I haven't done wrong if someone says I have. It's power of suggestion but my own perception and feeling of self worth is also important. I cannot ever know the whole truth because people experience same things differently. I think I have had a hard time coping with this fact my whole life, wanting someone to tell me what's right and what's wrong. I am now trying to make my own judgments but still look to the outside for validation.

The basic version is that if someone says I have done wrong, I consider it and should ask for forgiveness if I feel it to be true to some degree. It doesn't seem to work like that with pwbpd, it's all or nothing. I would have to tell her she should kill me, I have a monster inside me that deserves punishment. And repeat it every time she's triggered. But I noticed yesterday I became a much worse version of myself when I lived in that shame.

And it's true that this is a very tough subject. I have been naive thinking sex is only supposed to be fun and hot. What people mean when they say "the best sex ever" - I have experienced that with my wife, and she says it's rape. Very confusing.
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« Reply #18 on: January 14, 2022, 07:45:28 AM »

Some of this has to do with boundaries, and poor boundaries are something both pwBPD and their partners have. Someone with healthy boundaries might be attracted to someone with BPD initially, but being with someone with poor boundaries would make them uncomfortable quickly- the relationship would not last. One can assume that if they are in a long term relationship with a person with BPD, they likely have poor boundaries too.

Poor boundaries can be too weak or too strong. Boundaries are not something we place on another person. They basically are about knowing what is you, what is not you and the line between that. Your thoughts, your feelings, your body and her thoughts, her feelings, her body.

Being accused of something doesn't make it true. If someone accuses a person with healthy boundaries of something, they consider - is this true about me or not true. If it's true, then an apology is in order, if it's not true, they don't defend it or try to fix it because it's not true.

I struggled with this issue as well, being raised with all kinds of accusations and feeling responsible to fix them ( with BPD mother). In addition, Patricia Evan's verbal abuse books states that if someone keeps defining you, that is a form of verbal abuse ( her book examples are men as the abuser, women as the victim but it could be any gender). Some of the male posters here pointed out that the man can be abused as well and that is something I observed with my father. Ironically though, my mother is verbally and emotionally abusive to her family- but she still perceives herself as a victim of our behavior. I have learned though that it is completely ineffective to approach her from victim perspective, expecting her to understand that her behavior is hurtful. She is severely BPD and she just dissociates when that happens.

You can not change your wife's perceptions or feelings. You need to be working on how you react to the accusations emotionally and how you respond to them.

One thing that helped me with this is a counselor suggested someone has accused me of being a pink elephant. My boundaries are good enough to be absolutely certain I am not a pink elephant, and know that no matter how many times I am accused of being a pink elephant, that won't make me one. The problem with less absurd accusations is that we worry if they are possible and try to see if they are. So one thing that helped me was to think "is this true or is this a pink elephant". You would not be upset if someone called you a pink elephant, as you know it's not true- so apply this to other accusations that aren't true.

With your wife, it's probable that "rape" isn't accurate however, people have different ideas of what is fun during sex and different preferences. As popular as "50 Shades of Grey" was said to be, a lot of women didn't want to see that movie or do what they heard was in it. However, the result of saying you don't want to do a certain thing, risks being judged as a "prude". As you say, the idea of what is acceptable seems to be changing. Personally, I think there is a variety of what people want to do and that you and your wife may possibly be mismatched as to what you think is fun.

Part of the 12 steps of AA, and co-dependency is making amends ( where it doesn't cause harm to others). A step with a sponsor is considering if you need to make amends to someone ( and the step is actually to be willing to do that, not be forced to do that if it isn't a safe situation to do that in). I think this is an important exercise to look at our own behaviors and let go of shame or guilt. One of the ways to do harm listed is sexual harm. One doesn't have to be a rapist to have done this- perhaps maybe being inconsiderate, or using someone for sex - humans can do hurtful things- either unknowingly or knowingly - and we have a way to apologize and repair them. On your part, if you have apologized and stopped doing what your wife doesn't like - it seems you have done your part in it. Her constantly bringing it up could be her issue- or you have more on your part to do.

I'm going to take a guess here since you were sexually active at 16 with your wife. Where does a teen ager get such ideas about sex? Really, a lot of 16 year olds had no idea what they were doing until the internet- social media and porn. I won't go into any moral ideas about porn as that becomes between consenting adults- but from what I have learned is that it provides a fantasy that doesn't match up to reality for a long term physical relationship and nothing about a long term emotional relationship. Porn isn't real life. All women aren't always willing and ready to try anything all the time. What porn can do is set up a fantasy ( and an expectation) that in reality may not work between two people. On the other hand, no partner wants to feel they are depriving their partner of an experience they feel they are missing out on. It's not an easy situation to be mismatched for either side. So I am not suggesting your wife is correct in her accusations, but she may not have wanted to do some things and then also struggles with knowing you do. Now, the two of you need to work out what you both want to do.

Involving parents and children into this situation is a boundary violation. Would you really want to hear about your parents' sex lives? Do you want to hear about your adult children's sex lives? Do your friends? I hope not. If your wife doesn't want to involve a counselor, then you still can not involve friends and family.

If you have made amends and tried your best to resolve your differences, then your wife's accusations can also be seen as drama invitations. When she comes to you with them, she's in victim position. She's looking at you to rescue her. In the scheme of relationship drama, this can go on and on, because this works for her, to help her deal with her feelings. But you can't really change how someone feels or thinks. The accusations may indeed be pink elephants and in this case, validate the feeling but not the accusation. Don't defend what you don't have to defend. You can say " I am sorry you feel that way" and don't engage it further. You don't have to have that kind of shame. Eventually when you stop the usual response of rescuing and fixing her feelings, there's less reinforcement to the accusation on her part. As long as you hold on to knowing what is true and what isn't about who you are, you won't continue to react to all accusations.









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« Reply #19 on: January 14, 2022, 11:49:32 AM »

Interesting, thank you.

I had a new thought though

I feel like I'm being delusional whatever position I take.

Still, I feel like there is some fantasy component to her views.

There's absolutely nothing supporting that she would like only romantic sex. I'm thinking that there is a histrionic component messing this up so bad. If I seem to enjoy myself and it feels impersonal to her, she feels invisible and it makes her ANGRY. And with time it makes her even angrier.

She has initiated a lot but it makes her feel so much shame if she was responsible for weird sex so she puts it all on me, and I believe it because I'm not one to say I didn't choose to do something I did.

I want to have fun WITH her, not be a character in her fantasies. She enjoys the idea of me being a beast that manages to be gentle against all odds because I'm a  beast but because she's the most beautiful women I've ever seen I control myself. I'm absolutely certain that she would have been very uninterested in me being shy and gentle. So she got her beast but I didn't treat her gently so I didn't do my character with perfection.

She has ideas what she thinks sex should be like, it changes back and forth, one month it has to be really gentle (and she hits me if I'm not hard, but only if I'm being weird about it), the next she wants me to tie her up and pretend she's a young princess and a few months later I'm sick for wanting to tie up my women. Haven't mentioned calling her a young princess because that makes her feel seen I guess?
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« Reply #20 on: January 14, 2022, 11:50:56 AM »

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« Reply #21 on: January 14, 2022, 06:34:25 PM »

Well, people's fantasies are just that- fantasies, and I am not sure why it's different for you to be her beast character and let her be the beautiful princess sometimes than her  doing things you want to do. Maybe you two can arrive at some agreement.

There is an interesting book you might want to read called Passionate Marriage. It's been discussed on this board. Despite the steamy topic and contents, it goes into how relationship dynamics impact sex between two people, especially enmeshment and poor boundaries, low self esteem and confidence. It's not about BPD but the dynamics are still helpful. They use the term "differentiation" for having boundaries and not being enmeshed.

A bit about shame. Shame feels as if one's whole self is being destroyed to a pwBPD, and so avoiding shameful feelings is a way to avoid this. Blaming others is a way to avoid shame. Your part is to hold on to what is true about you, and if she blames you, that doesn't make it true. It may have more to do about her than you. If she has to do this to be able to have fun with you, maybe that can be part of the role playing and not let it get to you.
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« Reply #22 on: January 14, 2022, 09:46:33 PM »


I feel like I'm being delusional whatever position I take.


Hey 15years, I felt the same way not too long ago.

My wife has BPD and accused me of rape from time to time. Like you, I started to believe her accusations. I too looked back and wondered if my passion had caused me to cross legal boundaries and violate her will. Sex feels really good and most young guys really crave it and want it. She also accused me of not truly loving her, just wanting sex and said things like "I felt like I couldn't say no". She cried and made me feel like a selfish, out-of-control monster. She has blamed me for keeping her up late and violating/assaulting her which makes her feel tired and damaged and causes her to mistreat others, pointing out that it's really my fault she's hurting people.

I no longer believe these accusations, for a few reasons:

1. She would levy these accusations after sexual encounters she initiated.

2. About a month ago I read another post on the divorce discussion forum. Poster was being accused of rape by ex-wife with BPD and a commenter asked: "Does she have access to money? Can she drive a car? Did you threaten to physically harm her or her family? Is she able-bodied enough to get a job and live on her own?" etc. NotWendy is right that there are certain, special situations where a woman would choose to remain in a relationship where she was being continually raped, but I think if you evaluate your relationship you will find she has voluntarily chosen to stay with you and spend time with you despite ample opportunity to be elsewhere.

3. I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". Got it for free from the local library, not a long book. Very painful to realize how deep I was in denial but I'm grateful for how quickly it violently ripped the scales from my eyes. People with BPD basically have no idea who they are and see the world in black and white. If there's ever a shadow of a thought in their minds they have done something wrong or shameful they will usually project that onto someone close to them and blame them for their behaviors. They build a reality where they are the victim and everyone is the aggressor. They practice it so often and believe it so firmly it will throw your average person off.

I feel for you, and I'm also very worried about you because she is expanding her rape accusations beyond the two of you. You need to be manning your battle stations defending yourself against the incoming torpedoes of false allegations that you committed serious felonies. I do not want to see you end up in a courtroom or alienated from your family. Things were so bad for me I started to have suicidal thoughts. You have got to connect with something or someone away from her that allows you to know what is real.
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Couscous
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« Reply #23 on: January 14, 2022, 11:31:19 PM »

Since nobody has mentioned this I am wondering if she may have been sexually abused in childhood.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #24 on: January 15, 2022, 12:12:26 PM »

Couscous brings up an excellent point.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2022, 07:09:54 AM »

Since nobody has mentioned this I am wondering if she may have been sexually abused in childhood.

Not that I know of and it's highly unlikely.
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Rev
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« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2022, 07:30:36 AM »

Not that I know of and it's highly unlikely.

It wouldn't be necessary for someone to have been sexually abused to have troubles expressing themselves sexually - even as it's a natural question to ask.

Rev
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