B1987 I have a buddy Whose wife is doing something very similar.I have only had the pleasure of meeting her once briefly But apparently she has full-blown NPD And he's in a huge custody battle Over their two kids. Luckily I don't have any children with mine Because I knew she had commitment issues But I never realized how serious What was wrong with her was (Thought it was bipolar). My lawyer and I found her To get the divorce started After some looking. She had been talking to a couple mutual friends Before she Stop talking to them.
I'm neck deep in Researching this as I'm sure We all were at first And I'm fully aware of all of the warning signs and the charming. It looks like she moved out of state And back in with her mother and sister (both narcs, surprise surprise).
I still can't get over how similar So many of people's Experiences are.
I was curious to know what else Everyone has found that helps specifically with a BPD breakup.
The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was the most eye opening and scary thing I've ever witnessed. Not only was it so accurate to my circumstances but it also gave me a lot of understanding and insight on her. I really was accepting and repressing a lot of stuff I shouldn't have throughout the relationship. Because of my self esteem issues, I tried to be the fixer or compassionate. This actually was enabling her the whole time. I tried to be better for her but realizing I was losing pieces of myself.
That got me in my current situation. Accused of a sex crime and domestic abuse. It's alarming how many people here have experienced the same thing. Wondered "why is this happening?" As I read a lot of these post and learn more about BPD, I've come to a couple of general understandings.
A lot of us have self esteem issues and we are willing to give more than receive because of those issues. We have unresolved traumas or issues that reside from childhood or past relationships. Because we found this connection with a partner who finally understood us, they have the affection and charm we desire, we overlook a lot of things. The chemistry and understanding is almost unspoken and like a fire that burns. We are souls that can detect each other like lifelong friends.
Today I had an epiphany that the reason my wwBPD tried to annihilate me in such a grand fashion was because she thought I lied about my trauma. She thought I lied about the relationship with my ex wife (after one conversation on the phone) and her perception and thoughts of me shifted a complete 180. This meant I was no longer like her. The last almost 6 years of our relationship no longer mattered after 1 conversation with my ex. I thought how is that possible. How is that logical? Definitely can't be logic. But because my ex is a master and manipulation and my wwBPD was validated when she was raging at me, this was enough to cast out our real experiences and time together. No our time together was not real anymore. She threatened to divorce me if I didn't confirm this new reality that was presented. Being weak hearted and in fear of divorce I validated these false accusations hoping to weather the storm. Me validating these lies in fear of divorce only deepened the hole I was thrown in.
I paid for her Masters, and now she currently makes over $90 an hour working from home (I had to convince her how fortunate and easy her job is so she wouldn't quit), she currently has 20k in her account that pays for our house in Texas. She using my military benefit to get a yoga instructor certification (she's never happy and always searching for a purpose ie actress, YouTube influencer, Instagram verified), she filed a protection order on me with false allegations (eviction by PO as my lawyer calls it) and filed a claim at my job that I assaulted her multiple times (now my case will be reviewed by board members to determine if I'm innocent or guilty) she could've easily left and went anywhere with her job and she chose to stay here and destroy me. It is very intentional and emotional. All this to say no matter what she walks away from this situation on top very comfortably.
Bottom line. Look inward my friend. Challenge your unresolved issues of trauma and self esteem. Establish self love and understanding. What are your passions, your hobbies, your traits?
With my every job and freedom on the line currently, I have no choice but to either lay down and accept everything or to fight back and take control of my life again. I was so far gone in the abuse and and relationship I no longer had a "self". I was more worried and concerned about my own wife whose trying to end my life then for myself. I defended her actions saying she just emotional and if I can just talk to her things would be ok.
The bottom line is you need to have that self love. You need to fix yourself. I'm struggling daily and working on this. I'm trying my best to move forward and find myself. To love myself and put myself before her. That's hard to do because now it requires you to fix yourself, be honest with yourself. She has literally tried to destroy my life and I'm more worried about her... I'm fixing that problem now.
Thank you for posting and sharing your story. It gives me insight and understanding into my own issues. This is a step in the right direction for you. I'm here periodically if you need to vent or talk.
